How to cope with oh's mood swings and stress

[nethunsreject]

I am finding it hard to take dh's negativity/downers. He is either happy as Larry or totally down, grumpy, shouty-at-the-kids, miserable. He's always been this way, but atm we are skint (like most people) plus he is fed up at work - really fed up.

I can't really take much more of it.

He is a loving, kind man who does let me know that he thinks I am fabulous/beautiful/smart/a great parent. I feel the same for him and let him know. But I can't handle his moods. I have told him, but he says that's who he is - I don't think he gets how bad I am feeling.

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

He is taking his stress out on you and the children, and when told how this makes you feel, he dismisses your feelings and any notion that his behaviour is hurtful by saying that you must just accept it as "that's who he is."

In other words, his behaviour is unacceptable to you, you have explained this to him, and he is unwilling to change.

Have I summarised this accurately?

Ball is in your court, then. What are you going to do?

[Kayano]

Has he seen a doctor? Might be bi-polar? Up and down etc?

[nethunsreject]

I don't know, I really don't.

Your summary is pretty much there, but I wouldn't say he dismisses it - he accepts it, but isn't putting effort into changing.

He needs to.

I need to get this across, don't I?

Sorry, just need somewhere to talk this out!

[nethunsreject]

Doc - no, he doesn't rate ours and tbh, nor do I.

He is like someone I know with mild bi-polar, yes. He has always oscillated like this.

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

he accepts it, but isn't putting effort into changing. He needs to. I need to get this across, don't I?

You already have. And he's given you his answer.

This is an incredibly difficult thing to accept, but: he doesn't "need" to do anything that he is unwilling to do. You can't change him; you can't make him want to change. Only he can do that.

The only person that you can act on is yourself, not him.

What do you want - for yourself?

[nethunsreject]

Sorry - had to go last night!

FOr myself - well, I've kind of shut a bit of myself off to stop his moods getting to me. It's not a long term solution though.

I am lost today.

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

nethunsreject I'm really sad to hear you have been switching yourself off your needs, and your emotions because his behaviour is affecting you so much. You can't keep on like this and remain a whole person.

Can you stop denying yourself for a little while and examine what you want?

[GypsyMoth]

My ex h was like this

I was constantly on eggshells trying to gauge his mood. It started to affect the kids, they had no 'mood' radar so would unknowingly, irritate him. I left him in the end ( other factors too) but I can't believe I stayed living like that for so long!

[cestlavielife]

like ilt...

you not repsonsible for his happiness only he is.
you not responsible for him being fed up at work - he has to put up because right now you ened the money - and find releief in other things eg take up running. or change something.
up to him to find other stress relievers.

up to you to change your reaction to his moods

• eg take yourself and dc off for the day, get away from him.
  ask him to go out take a walk.
  
  set your boundaries - but ultimately if yes it is how he is - well you can decide whether to continue like this with him for next 50 years or not....

[nethunsreject]

Thanks for the responses. I've been chatting to my Mum just now as she is round and along with the responses I am feeling a bit better.

I am wrking on trying not to react to his moods, yes, that is good. I took the kids away the other day when he was on a downer.

I will see how things pan out in the next few weeks and take it from there I think.

Thank you. I'll be popping on and off today, so apologies if I don't respond for a bit.

[jjgirl]

i think it would be acceptable to set some boundaries. he has to look into getting some help/diagnosis and you will put off plans for seperation.

[solidgoldbrass]

You have to tell him that you will not accept the whole household having to revolve around his sulks and tantrums indefinitely. And give him a time limit, with the understanding that if he isn't making an effort to resolve the situation, you will end the relationship and he will have to leave the family home.

[nethunsreject]

thanks guys.

Well, we've had a good chat tonight and he has said he will sort it out.

He gets it tonight - I don't think he 'got' how tough it is on us.

i feel hopeful.

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Glad you were able to get your point across!
I hope the words also translate into action.

Keep us posted.