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So confused, not sure if I want to try and work things out or not? :(

(18 Posts)
Southendsister Sun 02-Oct-11 18:29:51

not even sure how to put my feelings down so they make sense for anyone to read.

Been with h for 11 years (together since I was 18-he is 5 years older). Was married after 6 months, even on the wedding day I remember feeling something was not right.

10.5 years on I am so miserable and don't know where to turn.

He is not abusive had one incident a few years ago that I left him for (not physical) but he was very sorry seen a doctor etc took the full blame and this has not been the issue.

I still kick myself for not leaving at this point though, my parents/friends etc knew about the incident and it was my best chance to leave but things happened and we got back together.

He has never had a affair, does not control me with money/nights out etc he is for the most part a excellent dad and does more than his fair share in the house and with the children.

So what's the problem then? I am cringing even having to right it all down as I am embaressed about him.

He is a compulsive fantasist/liar who would struggle himself to tell his real life from his lies.

Examples-

He IS in the forces but constantly lies about how much action he has seen/been in. He will even tell his stories to people who have been in the forces with him and KNOW he is talking shit.

My family go on holiday and he will give them tourist advice from when he was at this place even though everyone knows for a fact he has never been.

He has lied to me about places (dangerous heroic stuff) he has been and what has happened, once again I know it's shit.

Stupid other things like if we watch top gear he has driven every supercar they feature, does not matter if they are not released yet he will have a "mate" who has one.

The worst incident I can think of is after telling me for years about how great his school was/happy memories/would love our dc to go etc he got talking to me very drunk and emotional friend one night who brought up sexual abuse in her childhood, next thing he is telling her about his sexual abuse at school. I brought it up the next day and knew from his response he was lying (I know that sounds terrible and you will all think but what if it's the truth. I honestly believe it is another story)

I could sit and reel the "stories" of all night.

I have no respect for him, I dont even care about him at this moment sad

Do I love him? Not sure I'm afraid, I love the idea of keeping my family together but can't go on going along with his lies. A lot of them I pull him up on but I just get a eye roll then he does not mention that again and moves onto his next set of stories.

He has no grasp on reality/can't seem to cope with everyday challenges when everything goes pear shaped it's either his work or me that has somehow screwed it all up!

My only issue with him and the children is his language, he swears so much in front of them I pull him up on it constantly but due to his work (?) it's some thing he can't help!! Although he can get plastered infront of his bosses who he has to show respect for and not mutter one swear word hmm

He left today for 6 weeks and the sense of relief I feel is unreal, for the next 6 weeks my 3dc and I will have a great time without him about.

I have been close to leaving a couple of times but he always swears things will change then after a few weeks we are back to the storytelling and generally bring a miserable git (i could cope with the miserable part)

I don't know what to do? Is storytelling a common thing? Is there anyway to stop it?

I honestly don't believe a word that ever comes out his mouth and more people are starting to pick up on it now which is so embarrassing sad

I know this post could out me and have a feeling some friends try and find me on here so if you do quess me from this please keep quiet.

AnyFucker Sun 02-Oct-11 18:34:34

I really feel for you

You must feel in a constant state of abject humiliation

You know that people will be pitying you for being married to such a person, and that will cut you deeply

I also could not respect a person like this...I would take steps to exit this relationship and leave him to his sad fantasy life

Unless he accepts he has a real problem with self esteem and knowing fantasy from fact and will seek practical help for it I think your relationship is doomed

it won't be too long before your children get targeted at school, for having such a sad case as a father, I am afraid sad

sayithowitis Sun 02-Oct-11 18:37:09

Sounds to me that he has such low self esteem that he thinks people will only value him if he wildly exaggerates and tells these ridiculous lies. Maybe he realises that you have no respect for him, maybe he feels that nobody respects him and that by saying he has been places/done things that others haven't, it may make them sit up and take notice of him?

Has he always been like this? Or has it developed over time? If so, can you pinpoint a starting point as that may hold the key.

How does he react when you pull him up on his lies?

PamBeesly Sun 02-Oct-11 18:40:54

I feel for you OP. Its very sad that he needs to lie all the time and exaggerate. Can you look a bit further back? Is there anything in his family/upbringing that would have led to this? How are other members of his family. It must be exhausting and mortifying for you to have to listen to him lie like that.

Southendsister Sun 02-Oct-11 18:42:11

I just want to click my fingers and it all to be diffrent.

I can actually feel myself making up excuses for him after reading your post af!

Why do I even feel the need to do that?

I know other people are aware of him doing this but feel that most of his stories are just shared with me so it should not effect the dc but I also dont know what people at his work say/think about him.

I would love to know what impression those who spend there days with him think. My friends husbands don't work with him directly so I can't even get it from them.

waterrat Sun 02-Oct-11 18:44:28

oh dear Op, no this behaviour isn't common. And the swearing is awful too. But you know what - it doesn't matter if it's common - what matters is you are deeply unhappy. this is not the 1950's. You dont have to crush your dreams and happiness to 'keep a family together'. An unhappy family is not worth keeping together. He is not a good role model for your children - yes, he will always be their father, but they need to see you reject the way he lies, reject his swearing, set off on your own path.

I wonder why you feel so trapped in this marriage? What really stops you from ending it, when you are so unhappy? You talk about your 'chance' to escape that you missed - which is normally language someone would use when they have no control over their life. You sound as though you are really crushed with guilt/ responsibility towards him - otherwise why would you feel you needed a 'chance' to leave..you can leave any time you like. This is your life, he makes you incredibly unhappy and his behaviour is totally unacceptable.

Do you think he has mental health issues? You need to know that you alone cannot help him deal with this - it's way beyond normal small lies if he tells lies to people who know about them. He sounds like he needs to realise his problem himself - then want to change, then make an enormous effort to change his whole personality - you can't be in charge of all that!

You have tried, you have made clear your problem with his lies - your responsiblity now is to take charge of your own life, stop living in such a state of sadness - and give your kids a peaceful, lie-free life they deserve.

So often on here what I want to say to people is - you get one life, please don't live it in a state of misery.

Southendsister Sun 02-Oct-11 18:49:37

His family is very much the same as him, always have to be seen to be the biggest toughest etc none of them can talk they all have to shout to each other to try and be heard above all the other shouting.

His lying has always been a problem but it can be a good while between the big lies, first thing he ever said to me was that he was just back from a warzone. Took me until we were married to realise he had to campaign medal and the rest of his regiment had never been. When I asked him though he just said he meant he was supposed to be going but it was cancelled at the last min, I knew this is not what he told me though.

Another time he was sitting discussing a certain country with my cousin who had just been there, he was telling her all about his trip even though I knew he had never been. I was to embareased to say anything till she went then he just said that he was getting mixed up with another country he had visited.

oldwomaninashoe Sun 02-Oct-11 18:51:08

I have a friend who married someone like this. She was very young when she married him and I think was initially quite impressed with his tall stories.

It was a sympton of some sort of mental illness and over the years it worsened until she had to leave him for the sake of her own sanity.

You sound like you have had enough, I would suggest you calmly make your "escape" plan as he will not change and it will not get any better.

Southendsister Sun 02-Oct-11 18:53:34

I don't know how I feel I can't leave?

I would happily give up my big house/new car/friends etc to be happy with my dc but it seems so scary when a lot of the time things seem ok and the dc adore him.

The thought of having to share my dc terrifies me and I don't know if I could do weekends without them.

Southendsister Sun 02-Oct-11 18:55:30

Your friend sounds very much like me oldwoman sad

I could deal with it when I was young and immature myself (although I was not a liar) but I can't deal with it now

PamBeesly Sun 02-Oct-11 18:59:25

It sounds like something that was 'learned' at home but was never unlearned. Do your ever pull him up on the big ones? Its probably glaringly obvious to you.
I can imagine it would be awful to 'share' the DC's but it could be also equally as awful to go on with the facade? I don't know OP it just seems like its a big load of crap you've to put up with, like you've the DC's and then a grown up toddler to contend with too.

waterrat Sun 02-Oct-11 19:12:07

The only way he will change is if he sits down with a psychotherapist and unpicks his past - but the desire to do that has to come from him. And he sounds like someone who, fundamentally, has huge problems looking himself in the eye and accepting who he is - so that would be a really big battle.

You can't make him change unless he wants to and unless he is prepared for the scary internal journey, picking himself apart and remaking himself. I've had therapy - it's not easy and it doesn't work unless you are completely committed to it. I don't think without professional help he is likely to change on a deep level - he is an adult and these are fairly seriously strange behaviour patterns.

Yes, it would be painful to share the kids - but look ahead, do you want to live the rest of your life like this? - but you say that both you and the kids will be much happier with him away - so you know that his behaviour is not good for them.

If you really want to try and make it work one last time, decide what you would want from him - ie. a commitment to see a professional and talk about his family upbringing and a real promise that he sees and accepts he has a problem. This is really not normal behaviour - and you will not have a happy life if you try to stay and make the relationship work but he doesn't try to change.

With a family breakup, it's about the least worst option.ie. If you have to end it, then it will work out, there will be pain and hard times but you will end up happier the other side if it's right. The feeling you have about him going away - that is how it would be - permenantly - you would feel free.

AnyFucker Sun 02-Oct-11 19:26:47

I am sorry I made you feel bad, OP and well done you for not reacting to my post with anger/defensiveness

you know I am right though, and that is why I think you are actually quite a way along the road of thinking you could do better than this but more importantly, that you deserve it

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Sun 02-Oct-11 20:37:53

What was the "incident" you refer to in your OP?

charliebear100 Sun 02-Oct-11 20:48:25

I work with a guy just like that! If you are buying a dress online, he's worked as a dressmaker before. If you're going on a surfing holiday, not only has he been a pro surfer but he's also stayed in all the hotels in the area. We all roll our eyes at him! Not sure how i'd get on being married to him though?

I would say you need to address the issue with him, and then give him a real chance to sort it out WITH PROFESSIONAL HELP. This is key as I really do believe it is a mental issue......maybe he feels insecure in some way and its his way of bigging himself up?

May be going against the grain here but sounds like its worth trying to resolve if he's so good in every other way? Whatever decision you make, I hope it all works out for you....

Southendsister Sun 02-Oct-11 21:21:58

Thank you Charliebear smile

Puppy the incident was about 4 years ago when after him being a moody twat for a few days he decided he wanted everything to go back to normal, I was not as forgiving as he wanted so he invented a whole story involving me which explained why he had been pissed of with me.

He basically accused me of shagging someone on a particular occasion when it would have been impossible for me to do so.

The whole story was completely made up and I told him how fucked up he was and packed mine and dc bags and left.

This was the one and only time I was brought into his fantasy life ( that I am aware of, perhaps people at his work have been told lies about me) and I told everyone the truth about why I had left.

He begged and pleaded with me to give him another chance, we had a salesman at the door one day and he got the salesman to phone my mums to say how sorry he was hmm h left to work away for a few weeks so I returned home to find 100's of notes all saying sorry all over the house. I was finding them for days!

He went to a doctor of his own back at that point but they gave him anger management sessions which I did not think was getting to the root of the problem.

Eventually he came home and we gradually started sleeping together again and I thought he had learned his lesson but the making things up is still continuing.

What I will say in his defence though is that nobody can remember facts/hold grudges like I can. I sometimes wonder how many wives would brush over the small issues more than I do but I keep everything bottled up to be played back at a later date.

I'm not using that as a excuse for him as he obv has a problem but some of the big lies he has told has been while he was drunk (very rarely dies he get drunk) and I wonder if it was a friend talking rubbish I would be more forgiving and put it down to the alcohol.

I think the problem lies with me more than him, I've given up caring I even sometimes imagine how much easier things would be if he was to have a terrible accident sad how awful am I to think that of the dad of my dc sad

FabbyChic Sun 02-Oct-11 21:29:06

Pathalogical fantasist. He doesn't lie as such, he makes things up.

Lying is totally different.

AnyFucker Sun 02-Oct-11 21:31:11

the problem is with him

he made up an ultimate lie to paint himself in a different light...looking for sympathy no doubt

the only problem I see here with you is that you wil continue to make excuses for such an inadequate man

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