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Just moved in with DP, teething problems?

(32 Posts)
DrivingMeMad99 Sun 02-Oct-11 10:48:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madonnawhore Sun 02-Oct-11 10:50:44

No I don't think you're being unfair at all.

He's not respecting your privacy or boundaries and it sounds like everything is all about him.

Did you notice he was this selfish before you moved in together?

DrivingMeMad99 Sun 02-Oct-11 10:53:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kayano Sun 02-Oct-11 10:55:28

Have a word about 'me time' and 'personal space'

You are both getting used to it

For the work thing that is wrong, you can support him without doing his work for him. Let him know in advance while he is working you have something or are having your me time and get in the bath, go out or pretend to do work of your own while really being on MN. grin I would be tempted to buy a joke cheerleader pompom and wave it sarcastically whenever he
Mentions lack of support grin

He will soon get the message.

You could also wake him up or interrupt when he is doing something and as soon as he objects say 'see? Isn't it annoying?'

buzzskillington Sun 02-Oct-11 10:56:49

Well, some of it's an adjustment and it is quite hard to get used to sharing your space/down-time with someone.

That said, you do need your space and a bit of privacy, and I'd ask him not to come into the bathroom uninvited. There's no reason you need to share intimate grooming details and toilet habits with each other. Do you not feel able to say "Hey, I'm in here, you know?"

As for the work brain-storming, he is acting a bit like my dd with her homework. hmm

solidgoldbrass Sun 02-Oct-11 10:58:27

You wouldn't call him selfish? Why on earth not? His behaviour is very selfish. He is acting as though he is the person in the relationship and that you kind of revolve around him, prioritizing and meeting his needs. This behaviour needs stepping on firmly.

madonnawhore Sun 02-Oct-11 11:00:13

It sounds very annoying. Especially the bit about expecting you to help him out with his work. That's his job. If he can't do that properly without input from you then something is very wrong!

Maybe it's just that he's over excited about living together and he'll cam down soon as you settle into your routines.

I'm taking a strident view of this though as my ex was very like this (he was also an EA twat though, so I suspect the comparison stops at the attention seeking.) But I could not read a book at bed time, watch a programme I enjoyed, do some work on my laptop, etc... without being constantly interrupted by him needing me to do something for him. He had no respect for my time or my activities.

Because he was emotionally abusive, I look back at this behaviour and see it as part of a wider campaign of control and dominance.

But I realise that might seem a slightly hysterical response to the information you gave in your OP. So I'll just say tat while it's early days of living together you really need to establish your boundaries and tell him that he must respect the fact that you want privacy and time to yourself sometimes.

CailinDana Sun 02-Oct-11 11:03:39

Put a lock on the bathroom door! I would go ballistic if my DH walked in on me. As far as I'm concerned the bathroom is 100% private (unless invited in for fun, IYSWIM). It's totally normal to have some kinks to work out when you move in together, the important thing is to sort them out calmly and not to let them fester or become more of an issue than they actually are.

My DH was a bit clingy when we first moved in together - he used to get huffy if I went off to bed to read instead of staying downstairs with him to watch tv etc. I explained how I felt - that I liked being downstairs with him but sometimes I just wanted time to myself and it wasn't a comment on him at all. He understood and it was fine. I now spend more time with him I think as I don't feel obligated to, if that makes sense.

As for helping with his work, that's ridiculous! It's his job, not yours. It's fair enough to ask for ideas now and again, I used to do that with DH (I'm presuming he's a teacher?) but I would never expect DH to give up his free time to help me for hours. He has done that in the past when I've been swamped but that was his own choice.

buzzskillington Sun 02-Oct-11 11:05:39

She shouldn't have to put a lock on the bathroom door, 'tho. If asked not to do it, he should just stop.

CailinDana Sun 02-Oct-11 11:08:08

True buzz. I find someone wandering into the bathroom when someone else is in there very odd indeed - do his parents do that to one another perhaps?

Kayano Sun 02-Oct-11 11:11:56

We don't even close the bathroom door in our house blush

DrivingMeMad99 Sun 02-Oct-11 11:11:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrivingMeMad99 Sun 02-Oct-11 11:13:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrivingMeMad99 Sun 02-Oct-11 11:15:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buzzskillington Sun 02-Oct-11 11:22:11

I do think it's important to set some boundaries, so think you should say unless he's armed with a glass of wine, he's not allowed in grin. And the interrupting what you're doing does need the brakes on it as well - it reminds me of what my children do for attention - and you don't want to slip into roles where you're the resolver & doer and he does the 'learned helplessness' thing.

notlettingthefearshow Sun 02-Oct-11 11:27:11

Have you moved into somewhere new or your place or his place?

I wouldn't worry too much at this stage. It sounds like he is just really happy to have you around and wants to see you lots! I think you will probably naturally fall into a pattern when you've been there a while.

You shouldn't have to put a lock on the bathroom door. Tell him if he's disturbing you.

You must be a very good at helping with his work stuff. It can be so helpful having a sounding board to discuss things especially if he is now working from home with no colleagues to talk to (I'm a teacher and we really do tend to talk A LOT - he must be missing it like crazy!) - but not the same as doing his work for him. Take it as a compliment, but maybe limit it and say you will help him with x y z at ~ o clock, but until then you're busy. My DH used to have a habit of asking me to help with the computer when I'm in the middle of watching CSI etc and it was very irritating - I just made a point of agreeing times in advance.

swallowedAfly Sun 02-Oct-11 11:28:44

you need to get those boundaries in or you can imagine how it would end up.

those men who can't even pick their own clothes to wear of a morning or identify where the tomato ketchup lives start out somewhere. don't go there!

notlettingthefearshow Sun 02-Oct-11 11:28:52

PS lesson plans can take hours when you're new to it! It may not look like much to a non teacher but there is a lot to consider, and yes he should expect to work hard in his NQ year. In fact teachers do work evenings quite a lot with marking and planning I'm afraid.

swallowedAfly Sun 02-Oct-11 11:30:58

they don't need to take hours at all. i'm an ex teacher and frankly the work doesn't need to take hours in the evenings in fact very little work needs to come home at all. unfortunately many teachers tend to be piss poor at time management and whole picture thinking.

CailinDana Sun 02-Oct-11 11:35:27

Actually the fact that he's an NQT changes things slightly. It's a nightmare year, I'd say he's just stressed to the hilt. Most good teachers question themselves a million times in the early years, and drive themselves mad trying to be perfect. I used to bug the life out of DH talking about lessons, analysing them, asking his opinion. I found it very hard to write the lessons on my own. You're really put on the spot as a new teacher, your brain is constantly overloaded what with getting used to a new job, new children, new colleagues, a new way of working, new lesson etc etc etc, not to mention the parents who expect you to be a shining example of perfection at all times! Do try to help him a little bit, but make it clear that you need time away from it all too. Poor baby, I really feel for him! (Can you tell I nearly cracked up in my NQT year?!!) It might reassure him (and you) to know that by my third year teaching I was knocking the plans together in two hours on a Sunday night grin

DontGoCurly Sun 02-Oct-11 11:35:57

Sounds like his perception of a relationship is a little unrealistic. He seems to expect to be parented a little bit by you and seeems a bit needy.

I'd sit him down and explain it to him. I'd get sick if someone clipped their nails in front of me!

Just watch the dynamic because if you fall into parent/child roles the love/romance will die quickly!

DrivingMeMad99 Sun 02-Oct-11 12:00:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DumSpiroSpero Sun 02-Oct-11 12:13:34

Have you explained to him that you are used to having your own space and therefore really need him to respect that?

I'm an only child too and the lack of space thing drives me nuts so I really, really feel for you, although luckily my DH is one of three and always wanted his own space so we don't have too many issues! grin He knows that if he goes for more than a week without going out for the evening I will be climbing the walls and I've recently rearranged my work hours so I get a day at home to myself midweek, as we are all on school hours and term-time only which can be lovely but also mind-blowingly stressful!

As far as work goes, I'd try and cut him a bit of slack, he's gone into a new profession at a difficult time with budgets being cut and is bound to be a bit more highly strung about it than he might otherwise be. Maybe say you'll help him for X time but then you're going to do something else, and keep reassuring him how well he's doing. In time that side of things will hopefully settle down.

TheFoosa Sun 02-Oct-11 12:30:46

I'm one of several children and I crave my own space, nothing wrong with that

he sounds quite annoying tbh

ImperialBlether Sun 02-Oct-11 12:48:57

I think, as has been said, the NQT year is really awful. I think you should help with ideas for topics/approaches but that's it. Don't forget next year he should be able to re-use a lot of them.

I wouldn't want him coming into the bathroom if you need some peace and quiet. I think you have to make that plain to him, otherwise there'll just be resentment. I'm sure it's just he loves living with you and wants your company, so you'll have to be tactful.

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