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OH possibly cheating.....

(41 Posts)
veraw Sat 01-Oct-11 22:33:31

If he's not cheated already I think he might do soon......

We have been together for 9 years, 3 children (under 4) both work, me part time. Things have been hard for a while. Ive possibly had pnd since dc1 born and almost certainly depressed at the moment but have developed a real fear of doctors..... things have been difficult between us for a while, Ive been asking for us to spend time together for 2 years but we never do anything. He is great with helping with children and around the house. Ive really struggled with wanting to have sex with him. sex drive has completely disappeared. He wants it every night.
A couple of weeks ago he got a text from a work colleague saying something like, ' dinner tonight? x' He works shifts, I didnt think much to it. I only saw the text as it came through whilst I was near his phone and it flashed up.
Ive just been away with my work for 4 days and I dont know why but when I got back, and he went out without his phone, something, instinct?, made me look at it.
OMG! there was a real flirty chat between them, after finishing work late at night whilst I was away. Cant remember exactly but he offred to go round hers to kiss her goodnight, she wanted him in her bed. (she was off on her holidays the following day) he would save kisses til she was back. She cant wait and misses him already. She would facebook him but he said nooooo. ( i used to know his password but he changed it) ( hes not logged out of facebook on the computer so i can see that shes not contacted him on there)
he told her to listen to a certain song and think of him.
We had a real good talk that night, I played ignorant, and weve made a real effort to get back on track. Things have been better this week. But i dont know what to do. This girl ( shes 19) is away for another week. OH is 34 and Im 38.
He mentioned her in conversation the other day and called her a bit' slow'.
ive always trusted him. never had any reason not to. I just dont know what to do........ I cant be sure anything has happened. It certainly looks like they both want something to....... do I hope that by the time he next sees her, 2 more weeks, ( he has a week of work when she gets back) that we are much better and he dismisses it as a bit of fun. Do I just pretend I know nothing and then if theres any more similar contact between them, confront him? Leave him?
Jeeeez, sorry for ramble, dont have long as he'll be home soon. Just had to get off my chest. Phew! feel a bit better already.

madonnawhore Sat 01-Oct-11 22:37:49

Sounds like something has already happened between them.

What do you want to do? Wait and gather more proof? Confront him now?

Whether anything's happened between them or not (and I'm willing to be it has), those messages are totally out of order and massively overstepping the mark on their own. Definitely not OK, however you look at it.

PamBeesly Sat 01-Oct-11 22:44:22

I also think it sounds like something might have happened already. I have to ask, is this girl a bit 'slow' as he puts it or do you think its to throw you off the scent.
Hope you feel strong enough to go to a G.P or counsellor for your depression

veraw Sat 01-Oct-11 22:45:12

I dont know what I want to do.....

I want to be with him, be a family...... but not sure I can be if he's cheated or going to........

can you fix a broken relationship? Ive never been one to break up and make up again.......

If hes cheated once, surely he'll cheat again. How wold I ever trust him......

How could I confront him now? How could I have seen his phone other than snooping?

veraw Sat 01-Oct-11 22:48:37

I think she might be a bit naive. Shes only 19. I dont think shes slow. She's attractive and outgoing.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Sat 01-Oct-11 22:48:50

Does your real effort to get back on track include a resumption of sexual intimacy?

If not, I would suggest you do your utmost to overcome your fear of doctors and seek treatment for your depression and for your loss of libido - the two often go hand in hand and a course of ADs may alleviate both conditions.

Working and having 3 dc under 4 can leave little time for other pursuits, but you can at least use words and gestures to make your dh feel desired by you on a daily basis even if doing the deed only occurs infrequently after considerable planning

madonnawhore Sat 01-Oct-11 22:50:34

Well his cheating outweighs your snooping. But you saw that text message come through from her anyway. That's what alerted your suspicion and prompted you to snoop. Which is totally fair enough.

You need to think about how you want to handle this. Just the text messages on their own would be a deal breaker for me I'm afraid.

Wisedupwoman Sat 01-Oct-11 22:53:15

You're going to get lots of replies to your post I'm sure. Couldn't leave without saying something though.

So he has been texting and meeting up with a barely out of nappies colleague? He's changed his FB password? Whilst you have been depressed? And he wants sex every night? Well, that's supportive, isn't it?
Has he always wanted sex so often, or is this a change in behaviour? When did you stop spending time together?
Does he have an email account you can access on the quiet?

I ask this because, as if you need any more proof that he's definitely up to no good, you clearly don't know what to do yet. So my take on it is to bide your time a bit and see if you can gather more evidence. Now, this is a painful thing to do, as you may find out things which will change everything. But you already know he is at the very least either thinking about an OW or he already is having a silly affair with a young and no doubt impressionable young woman.
You must be absolutely reeling and I'm sorry - but IME ignoring this and hoping it will just go away will drive you insane. And it won't go away. He does need to know you're on to him, but only you can make the decision about when and how it happens. It doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage, but it may mean things have to fundamentally change within your relationship.

I hope you get some sleep tonight. Will look out for you tomorrow and see how you are.

brianmayshair Sat 01-Oct-11 22:53:35

He hasn't cheated he is cheating.
You are not in the wrong so don't worry about seeing his messages, that is beside the point. Don't let yourself be a doormat just so as he won't leave you. He is the one that is doing this. So Sorry Op i hope you have family that can help.

madonnawhore Sat 01-Oct-11 22:55:09

Agree that OP should see her GP for her depression. But it's not going to benefit her mental health to feel like she suddenly has to become Jessica Rabbit and make her cheating knob of a husband feel desired while he's probably shagging someone else. That's crap.

OP, forget him and concentrate on getting yourself well an strong so that you can deal with this on your terms.

PamBeesly Sat 01-Oct-11 22:58:03

I don't think snooping is a criminal offence when its weighed against adultery. Do you think you'd cope if you found out he was having an affair? Would you be strong enough to go it alone? I would confront him, but only when I felt strong enough. I do hope you can find some strength to go and speak to a doctor about your depression. Your health is most important. If he is cheating you'll need it to carry you through any decision you make. All the best Veraw

veraw Sat 01-Oct-11 23:05:02

Thanks for replies. He's gonna be home anytime now so will have to go.....
Will make a docs appointment for this week. And let him no in no uncertain terms my feelings on adultery. He knows them but will reiterate.....
Theres a works night out coming up....... will see what he says about it......
My poor children....... I just feel so sad for them...... its not how I wanted things to be.....

babyhammock Sat 01-Oct-11 23:24:43

You sound exhausted tbh. So exhausted that just being upset without having to deal with the fall out of doing something seems like a better option. That's no way to live though sad

How could I confront him now? How could I have seen his phone other than snooping?
Trust me, his shannigans trump a bit of snooping by a mile! x

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Sat 01-Oct-11 23:38:10

I haven't suggested the OP apes Jessica Rabbit madonna.

The OP has said she's had pnd on and off for 4 years and her loss of sexual interest in her dh seems to have begun long before she discovered that he's been, at the very least, displaying an inappropriate interest in one of his much younger colleagues.

Rightly or wrongly, I feel obliged to play devil's advocate by saying that some find it very difficult to live with a spouse/partner who shows no affection or demonstrates any desire for them.

That is not to say that I condone adultery but I can understand why it happens in some cases.

Instead of an outright confrontation, I would advise the OP to subtly let her dh know that she's not to be trifled with and to endeavour to engage with him as she did before the arrival of their 3 small dc - and that means being intimate in ways that may not include sexual intercourse but, nevertheless, reinforces the fact that they are a 'couple' facing life's challenges together rather than 2 individuals who happen to have found themselves rowing the same boat from opposite ends.

veraw Sun 02-Oct-11 19:47:43

Thanks for all the replies.......

Izzy i know what you are saying and I know he has found it very hard whilst I have been struggling. He really is very understanding and caring at the same time and I know he wants me to get better.
I need to feel that we share something more than children and bed. We need to make time for each other alone which is hard but not impossible.

My family are all miles away and sadly, despite many promises of visiting to help us with jobs and to give us a break, they never materialise. His family are a bit closer and Im sure will help out.

Ive not been able to get hold of his phone to re-read all the messages but i do remember that the dinner one wasnt there so that thread has been deleted (iphone). I think if I can read them again whilst not in so much shock, Ill make more sense of them? See if there have been more.

Im sure everyone says it, but i really didnt believe he would cheat on me.
He was at a party with this girl two weeks ago......... it was a colleagues wedding. I didnt go although had planned too...... there are photos of the party all over facebook.......loads of her with everyone but only see him in a couple....... if something happened, it happened then I'll bet....... he doesnt really go out much, and comes and goes to work at regular times...... he comes straight home..... leaves with only tme to get there.......
guessing, and imagination running away, the deleted thread would be the proof that something happened.......the existing one is just a follow up.....

I'm back at work for the next couple of days but plan to tell him about a colleague whos just split from husband ......and retell this story outlining the consequences if he were the male!

If it stops, no more texts after she gets back from holiday and he goes back to work I'll see how I feel......... If there is any more like Ive seen then he'll find his clothes on the doorstep after work one day......preferably when its raining!

if i confront him I shall give one of the children his phone to play with and they will discover the messages........

my stomach has been in knots all day, just feel distraught....... and scared.

madonnawhore Sun 02-Oct-11 19:54:03

I understood what you meant, Izzy.

"Instead of an outright confrontation, I would advise the OP to subtly let her dh know that she's not to be trifled with and to endeavour to engage with him as she did before the arrival of their 3 small dc - and that means being intimate in ways that may not include sexual intercourse but, nevertheless, reinforces the fact that they are a 'couple' facing life's challenges together rather than 2 individuals who happen to have found themselves rowing the same boat from opposite ends."

But surely this is a bot of a moot/foregone point since OP's DH is now cheating on her.

Much too late to be talking about reinforcing their coupledom through intimacy. He's shagging someone else. I'd be confronting him and kicking him out. Not endeavouring to engage with him in an intimate way.

Rowtheboatashore Sun 02-Oct-11 19:59:20

If you want to tell him you saw the messages on his phone just confront him. They are so bad and he will have so much explaining to do that he might not even think to accuse you of snooping. He shouldn't have left his phone lying around and it might have been an important message that you were checking. But, in my experience he will only admit what you have evidence for and will do anything to insist that what you have found is everything. You might want to bide your time and wait until you have some more evidence - regularly track his phone, email etc. I'm not much good at waiting to confront things but I think it's wiser. I wouldn't tell him the consequences because it might only make him more careful rather than better behaved.

veraw Sun 02-Oct-11 21:36:00

it's soooo hard but I want to gain more evidence........ so far the texts dont actually prove anything has/is going on despite their wrongness.....

he has always said that he'll never leave the children, they would stay with him........ not sure his 19 year old will be so much fun when she's exhausted from running around after 3 preschoolers all day.......... He also has a teenage son....... just a few years younger than her........

i'll check his phone when i can........ his email account is always open so easy to check and his facebook which he was so careful to change his password on, is still open as he hasnt logged out of it! Her wall is open for me to read too..... and a lot of my work colleagues know him, though he wouldnt know which ones recognise him, so as we all work at the same place, he would struggle there too......... (different companies but one same great big work place)

Charbon Sun 02-Oct-11 22:02:51

I'm not sure why you are waiting to confront. Isn't what you found bad enough? Have you convinced yourself then that as long as he hasn't slept with this girl, this is okay? What if you never uncover evidence of physical infidelity? It doesn't mean that it hasn't happened or is likely to, does it? What would you do therefore if you do find evidence? I'm really struggling to see what your dealbreakers are here, or indeed if any exist.

I also find any advice to "up your game" in order to stop this in its tracks, profoundly depressing. Whatever has gone on with this woman, your husband has been horribly disrespectful to you and this needs bringing out into the open and the consequences felt.

buzzskillington Sun 02-Oct-11 22:15:51

He wouldn't get to decide whether the children stayed with him. hmm That's not a threat he can carry out.

I think what he's done already is more than enough to need confronting. What happens in your plan of waiting if he changes his password/logs out/gets more careful with his phone, especially if you're reaffirming your stance on infidelity and he's feeling guilty? Will you take it as an admission of guilt or will you still be hanging waiting for evidence?

Rowtheboatashore Sun 02-Oct-11 22:58:04

I was saying for OP to wait to confront only if she suspects there's more and wants to confront him with it all at once. But I agree, that there's plenty to be upset about already and any attempt to say that you've invaded his privacy would be a pretty poor come-back. I think it can be difficult to know what the "deal breakers" are until you feel them. It's not always about what he said or did either - it might be more important to get to the truth and then work out how to deal with it. That's why more evidence the better to be confident in your line (which no doubt he will at least initially try to excuse somehow). But what's described above wouldn't be interpreted by many as "don't actually prove there is something going on". I'd say that there is something going on - at least via the media you know about. What's missing is the evidence of physical sex - which may or may not be happening too - existing evidence is awful behaviour and a betrayal anyway. OP, you sound though like you've invested a lot in your relationship. I don't like the "up your game" advice either, although I'm ashamed to say that I've just realised that I've done that myself in the past - it's just another way to reward and reinforce his poor behaviour.

Rowtheboatashore Sun 02-Oct-11 23:00:59

I'm afraid this man sounds like a bit of a bully too if he's threatening that he would take your children in the event of a split. Buzz is right, he can't make that decision on his own.

veraw Thu 06-Oct-11 19:47:09

A quick update .......... I managed another look at the messages and thought I'd maybe over reacted slightly- (I'd been up 24 hours or so when I read them and they re - read not so bad...)
however, she landed back from her hols a few hours ago and already there are several exchanges....... And he apparently can't wait for his holiday to be over......... We have a day out together planned tomorrow, no kids, guess how much I want to go now ?!
BTW, he might be a cheater but he's definitely not a bully.

AnyCorpseFucker Thu 06-Oct-11 20:13:09

he is a cheater

have you accepted that yet ?

you didn't ever over react, btw

and any person who cheats and deceives ain't a good person

veraw Thu 06-Oct-11 20:49:54

Yep well I'm getting my head around it now.......

Just not sure what I do from here as no way to afford house on my own....... Have no family to help with childcare so I'm gonna need a new job and a possible move to cheaper part of country.......


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