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When did you know your marriage/relationship was over?

(43 Posts)
RhinoKey Fri 30-Sep-11 18:41:18

I am trying to make sense of mine and DH's relationship and how I feel about it.

When your marriage ended was it a gradual thing or was it a lightbulb moment where you realised it wasnt worth it anymore?

Wisedupwoman Fri 30-Sep-11 18:45:18

Not a light bulb moment, no, more like a collection of small, seemingly inconsequential and disconnected events which suddenly all combined into a nuclear event!!!!!!

Now happily free of all that. grin

TalesOfTheUnexpected Fri 30-Sep-11 18:48:38

It was gradual in a way because he didn't support me and our children. He lay in bed, he spent hours at work or on the toilet (!). He had sexual fantasies that I was ok to oblige with in the fantasy sense, but not in the actual sense.

He just generally wore me down and at the end, I couldn't stand the fucking sight of him, and his touch caused me revulsion.

Maybe it was a lightbulb moment, but I just looked at him one night and thought "no more. You don't make me happy. You don't engage with our children. You put work first. You've promised to put it right for years and you haven't done".

Enough.

susiedaisy Fri 30-Sep-11 18:49:31

When I realised that I no longer cared for him or loved
there was no big one lightbulb moment, it just happened over a period of time and I no longer felt any urge to try to save the marriage anymore and I realised that I couldn't give a shit where he was or what he was doing

cheesesarnie Fri 30-Sep-11 18:51:18

what did you all say/do when you realised?

balia Fri 30-Sep-11 18:52:03

I did have a lightbulb moment in one relationship - I was ironing while he lounged on the sofa watching telly. I burnt myself and yelled - he didn't even look round.

NanettaStocker Fri 30-Sep-11 18:52:46

I was incredibly unhappy with XH. Then I met current DP. I think Pam from the American Office says it best:

"I shouldn't have been with Roy... and there were a lot of reasons to call off my wedding. But the truth is, I didn't care about any of those reasons until I met you."

The reasons didn't matter til I felt true love and happiness and I knew I couldn't live without it any more.

PeterSpanswick Fri 30-Sep-11 18:53:09

My previous relationship ended when the arguments stopped, funnily enough. After months of tearing each other's throats out we were able to sit comfortably together in our front room, neither of us even acknowledging the great, gaping hole in our relationship (I was growing close to my now DH after a long period of trauma and unhappiness re: ex's drinking) because it didn't even seem to matter anymore. When you're so disconnected from the relationship that you can't even be bothered to fight about it, you know it's over!

Chrononaut Fri 30-Sep-11 18:55:40

when i realised the man i loved was stood right infront of me all that time and the one i was with was well...a very long and drawn out rebound

MangoMonster Fri 30-Sep-11 18:55:43

In past relationships, it's been when I've banged my head against a brick wall so much that I just stopped caring, loss of respect for other person really and for our relationship together.

rubyrubyruby Fri 30-Sep-11 18:57:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GetOrfMo1Land Fri 30-Sep-11 18:59:07

On a bus in Lithuania with XP. I just looked at him and it was a real lightbulb moment - I knew it was over. A pure feeling of disdain.

Took 6 months to get myself sorted and actually leave, but it was over from then on.

LeoTheLateBloomer Fri 30-Sep-11 18:59:45

I think the build up was gradual and very subtle. It actually took MN to make me realise how wrong and abusive the relationship was. Once I realised it was over it was a very definite moment but it still took 3 or 4 months to actually do something about it.

The final straw came when he threw DD's breakfast across the kitchen. I left the next day.

Theala Fri 30-Sep-11 19:00:25

When I started fantasizing about him being killed in a tragic accident.

PeterSpanswick Fri 30-Sep-11 19:00:40

The real lightbulb moment about my last relationship didn't come until my next one - DH and I were having a minor disagreement when it suddenly hit me that he would never dream of speaking to/ swearing at me like exp used to and that people who love you don't pounce on any opportunity to pour scorn and spite on you just to make you feel bad. It was a warm welcome to the world of civilised adult relationships and made me realise in an instant that my last relationsip wasn't normal!

imnobody Fri 30-Sep-11 19:04:38

Theala I have those thoughts often. sad

TastyMuffins Fri 30-Sep-11 19:08:35

About a year after we separated! Even though he was a useless waste of space I had still been wondering if there was any hope we could get back together. Then I did some soul searching and realised I was better off without him and ready to move on.

susiedaisy Fri 30-Sep-11 19:10:57

theala I used to have those thoughts sad

SirSugar Fri 30-Sep-11 19:11:16

I used to think something will change, it won't be like this forever, I won't be stuck in this abusive crap relationship forever. Didn't know how, and I was scared, and I didn't know about MN then.

And then he died, within three weeks of falling sick and I realised he was going to die before the doctors told us and I kept thinking; I'm going to be free

PeachyWhoCannotType Fri 30-Sep-11 19:18:11

With XP, same as Nanetta: a hundred reasons to call off wedding, only one that motivated me to take the flack was meetiong Dh but I know we would have ended up with a painful split if we had married.

Theala Fri 30-Sep-11 20:02:32

imnobody, then get out, it's over, and you will both be better off out of the relationship. especially you.

susied, I hope "used to" is because you got out?

AbbyAbsinthe Fri 30-Sep-11 20:41:19

SirSugar, I welled up at your post sad

Hope you're ok now.

juneybean Fri 30-Sep-11 20:45:05

When I foolishly logged into her facebook and saw her telling her ex all about it smile nice.

HappyTangerine Fri 30-Sep-11 20:55:26

Not a marriage but a 10yr relationship with XP. We were seeing a couples counsellor for the first time. After hearing us both speak, she laid into me, shouting. Apparently, I should never have promised my father on his deathbed that I would look after my mum and 9 year old sister, any problems in the relationship were my fault and was it any wonder that XP was always out and we never spent time together.

XP just sat there and said nothing. He later said he was a bit shocked and wasn't sure if it was right to defend me "at that time." He sort of got how hurt I was but that was a bit of a dealbreaker for me, it really showed how far apart we were. He wrote some half arsed letter to the counsellor expressing his shock and disappointment. I reported her to the BACP and left XP a few weeks later, 13 weeks before our wedding. Bes thing I ever did.

kunahero Fri 30-Sep-11 21:00:20

when she interupted man city on the telly to say ' I dont love you any more, i think we should separate and I dont want to make this work but there is no one else' 26th jan 1998. can remember it like yesterday. Turns out she was shagging a 'good' friend who was also her sisters fiance. I left, we divorced and to make matters worse Man City lost 2-1

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