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Do you think

(11 Posts)
Relationshipover Fri 30-Sep-11 15:22:18

Hi there (regular)

For the 9th or 10th time in our 10 year relationship my p has told me serious lies about money. This time he took out a loan without telling me, defaulted on it, all the while telling me he had fully paid off his other loan, credit was clean and I thought we were in a position to house hunt (but suspcious as he's a lying prick where money is concerned and never, ever showed me letters or payslips etc). I opened his mail and got a nasty surprise.

Have 3 kids and small house, so have been working towards selling to upsize. He has done a few other things, most of which don't make our future rosier such as losing a secure job last year for gross misconduct. The problem is, I do rely on him for childcare (not money - the kids and I will probably not miss his financial contribution at all) and I have a stressful job - he picks up a lot of the household slack when I am working. And he does deserve credit where credit is due. He's a great Dad not just to his own child and ok at the domestic side of things.

I have warned him continually to stop lying about money and I really don't trust a word he says now, but again he let me (and us) down.

I asked him to leave and really don't care, not even angry, just let down (totally dispassionate about it tbh - been a single parent before and can do it again). This lack of emotion does bother me, but in the last month I have suffered a bereavement and both of my parents have become ill. I am far away from them and having to do a lot of travel and am stressed already so maybe not in the best place to deal with this.

I asked him to leave yesterday and he did although he had to come back this morning to look after our preschooler. Not sure what to do when he brings her home from his Mum's?

p.s. I assume he went to a friend's - I am dreading his parents finding out as they will undoubtedly plead with me. He was in a dead end job before I met him and there's a good chance it's us who've made him become more responsible and, for his parents, someone else's responsibility. He is in his 40's btw and in the past has had mh issues but before I met him (prob linked to cannabis is my guess) which also makes me worry about whether he would do something stupid.

Relationshipover Fri 30-Sep-11 15:32:41

Sorry weird title to this message but bumping please

icemaidensu Fri 30-Sep-11 15:42:42

For what exactly did he need this loan for???

Do you think it might be drugs(again)???

I know someone who did exactly this.... Also in their 40s

Sorry, not very helpful reply

Relationshipover Fri 30-Sep-11 15:45:22

God knows. He is totally shit with money, though, so I am putting it down to fecklessness. Have made a decision, he can stay this weekend and I'll go to my Mum's. She needs me there anyway and meanwile he can get his stuff together and get out. Poor kids - esp the wee one who adores him, but that one time too many he's done this.

buzzskillington Fri 30-Sep-11 16:09:54

Oh dear. It's such a repeating pattern of behaviour on his part I don't see that you had much option.

mumsamilitant Fri 30-Sep-11 16:17:53

What was the "gross misconduct" at work?

Is the load a huge amount?

Something fishy going on here?

With all that is going on with the rest of your family you are probably a bit numb emotionally. Which from what I read may be a blessing (not meaning of course about your bereavement but don't know how to word it)

FabbyChic Fri 30-Sep-11 18:58:45

Dont rely on him for child care, find alternative care. If the relationship is over the things he does for you has to go with that too and you have to fend for yourself. You said you are okay financially without him but he does have responsibilities with regards maintenance. What he gives you may well pay for childcare.

You need to become independent of him so you can have a life of your own, not one that has him constantly in it.

You and your children need structure.

Relationshipover Sat 01-Oct-11 00:42:59

Hey, thanks for responding - not easy to get online at my Mum's so apologies for delay. Yes, Buzz, it is a repeating pattern sad

Mili - theft of money from a float, but he had the cash to repay it the following week allegedly. And I am numb which is why I sould so calm and measured.

And Fabby, I know what you are saying. I do have a life of my own though. And my kids have structure. And he is good at some things.

buzzskillington Sat 01-Oct-11 00:49:33

Oh, he's totally dishonest sad. Don't minimise his theft with his excuse.

You're not responsible for him - it's all down to his choices.

tallwivglasses Sat 01-Oct-11 01:26:24

OP you've made the right decision. Stand firm and don't let this situation go on and on. He can still be a 'good dad'.

kayah Sat 01-Oct-11 01:37:22

Make sure you aren't responsible for his debts.
(no idea if a letter to him from your solicitor - only guessing)

stick to your guns, nothing kills relationships faster than the lying.

Enough is enough.

He should help as a parent, but that shouldn't buy him any favours - it's his responsibility

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