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How do I get on with my life please ?

(45 Posts)
fortyfairy Thu 29-Sep-11 19:15:05

I posted on here twice you may remember but if not short re cap.
Married for 23 years with two boys 15 and 21. Last September DH told me he had been having an affair for 8 months. I wanted to give our marriage a chance and said I would give him another chance. I waited 6 weeks for him to make up his mind (yes stupid I know) and he chose her. I got over Christmas and felt by February I was turning a corner. Going days without crying and even able to listen to music again. Then out of the blue I got an E-mail from him asking to give things another go how he still loved us all and realised what a terrible mistake he had made (everything was fine with OW ) I thought about it for a month and said yes but he would have to move somewhere neutral and make his return gradual going out together coming round for tea etc...... this is what the kids wanted too a gradual return.

Anyway 10 days into it on Mothers Day April 3th I found a chat e mail between him and her they had slept together and were telling each other how much they loved each other. I read it and threw up.
I met him a week later and told him he had blew it big time and I wouldn't have him back.
I hate myself because I miss him so much and still love him very much. I'm so lonely spending night after night in front of the TV. Don't have many friends and of those I do have have been good to me since September when it all started. I now feel like the miserable friend who goes on all the time about her dh. When I do go out all I want is to get back home. Everything seems worse this time so miserable and dyeing inside. My boys are wonderful the eldest is at uni and was going to move out last October but he said "mum I will stay my brother has lost his Dad he doesn't need to loose his brother too" how amazing is that. They both wont have anything to do with their Dad. I have never felt this unhappy ever in my life. It seems to be getting worse with time not better.

I wrote that last June and I don't feel much better hate myself for feeling like this how oh how do I get back on track ? still crying far too much at my wits end please help me.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Thu 29-Sep-11 19:40:10

Honey, it's going to take you a lot longer to get over this second betrayal than it did first time round.

Your hopes, dreams, aspirations, have been cruelly crushed twice. Not. surprisingly, your confidence is at a very low ebb and your emotional fragility has resulted in you only feeling 'safe' at home - but that will change.

Please believe that you will get back to that place where you were able to go 'without crying' and will be 'able to listen to music again', but you have a lot of grieving to do and it's best to take it one day at a time until the first glimmer of hope reappears - and you can be sure that in the not too distant future, it will.

Have you started divorce proceedings? If not, this could be the decisive step that will help you come to terms with your altered state.

If you feel that you are slipping into a long-term depressed state of mind, don't hesitate to go to your GP and ask for a referral for counselling/therapy and for ADs if you feel you need them.

As for him, he chose to become someone entirely different to the man you married and I hope that, in time, you will be able to take the view that the OW is welcome to him because you had the best of him - and what he's done to you, either he'll do to her or she'll do to him.

Save your tears for yourself alone because he truly isn't worth one of them.

MangoMonster Thu 29-Sep-11 19:47:59

So sorry you feel so bad. It does take time, especially after such a long relationship. Do you get to do anything that makes you feel better or takes your mind off it? Like a job, volunteering or a hobby. Helping others will probably give you something else to focus on and occupy your mind. There's no easy answer, it hurts and will do for some time but keeping your mind occupied can help. Wish you all the best. Plus don't worry about moaning to your friends, that's what friends are there for when the shit hits the fan. You've got this far, just hang in there.

fortyfairy Thu 29-Sep-11 19:52:25

Thought about divorce now and then but just can not face it, but have wondered if it is better to divorce when my children are children and not adults or does it make no difference ?

Bluebelle38 Thu 29-Sep-11 20:24:09

Fantastic post, Izzy.

Fortyfairy - my heart was breaking reading your post. You have really been through the mill, but what a testament your boys are to you.

You are still a complete person without your husband.

I think it is vital that you really take the time to nurture yourself at the moment. Try and keep in mind that time will help heal you and you will be happy again.

Are there any social clubs or volunteering nearby that you could maybe throw yourself into. A way to make some new friends, keep yourself busy?

I know how low you feel, but go easy on yourself. As said, you are not going to be over this double betrayal in a month or so. It is a slow and gradual process where one morning you will find yourself thinking 'it has been an hour since I last thought of him' and that will slowly increase.

I wish I was there to tell you to get your glad rags on and take you out for a drink and a laugh because I think you deserve it.

Take care. xx

CactusRash Thu 29-Sep-11 20:31:10

Also would you be able to have counselling? It could help you clarify what has been going on and move on.

You need to concentrate on you and your life ahead. Much easier to say than do. I know that.

As Izzy said, if you feel yu are getting deprerssed, go and see your GP.

maleview70 Thu 29-Sep-11 20:56:23

"You have wondered if it is better to divorce when the children are still children"

Your boys are 21 and 15. The eldest is an adult and the youngest not far off.

They will cope.

You taking control of the divorce is the best way forward. if you dont he eventually will and that will set you back again.

If you feel down then you may need AD and a visit to the doctor to discuss this may then lead to counselling and a new start for you.

foolonthehill Thu 29-Sep-11 22:51:12

Hi fortyfairy feel sad for you all but so glad you are sticking to your guns.

I don't know if this will help but your pain really sounds like a bereavement...you may well need support ( AD and/or counselling) to get through it but bear in mind that you have a lot of grieving to do, it has to come out somewhere.

You are grieving the loss of the man you first fell in love with and all the dreams and good times you shared, the loss of a father for your lovely sons and the loss of a future together.

I would expect there will be some time of "madness" to get through...feeling completely other than yourself and going through all sorts of emotions including despair, anger and self doubt until the times of emotional calm become more frequent and longer and you can spend your energies building yourself up and reaching out again. being single again requires a re-invention of yourself that you probably don't feel strong enough yet to do, but you will.

Of course the divorce thing is your choice but since the desision is already made I can't see it making much difference to your sons, and (like a funeral) it may bring you some peace and clarity to draw a line under that part of your life.

I am sure your friends understand, you'll be there for them when they need you. it is a privilege to be allowed to love, care for and support a friend in need...so lean on them when you have to.

you will feel better, this will not go gon forever, be good to yourself and do whatever helps to keep going.

best wishes FOTH

fortyfairy Fri 30-Sep-11 05:06:53

Thanks for the kind words everybody all you say is sound advice and everything I know deep down but sometimes I just need to hear people say it to me if you know what I mean.

He came yesterday to collect some of his things they have been in the hall for a week he says " its too painful to collect them 2 its taken me this long to bag them up.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Fri 30-Sep-11 05:50:12

There's a wealth of wisdom on this site from women who've experienced exactly what you're going through; you'll find many threads on this board that contain everything you need to know about the slow and painful process of leaving the past behind.

Please read Wisey's post www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1274789-After-divorce-trying-to-move-on-is-like-doing-a-square-dance-with-both-feet-tied-together-Update for the wit, humour, and pathos of moving on after the breakdown of a lengthy marriage. You may not be quite there yet - but you soon will be.

You can start empowering yourself by consulting a solicitior with a view to commencing divorce proceedings - as maleview has said, if you don't it's highly likely that, encouraged by the OW, he will.

This is a time when attack is the best form of defence as it will be far more hurtful for you to find his petition for divorce on your doormat when you least expect it - and, as the lying twunt has proved he cannot be trusted, it's best that you don't place any reliance on any assurance from him to the contrary.

BTW, there's absolutely no need to tell him of your plans - let it be as much of a surprise to him as his deceitful and despicable behaviour was to you. wink

TFMIS's quote Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain should be your mantra for the weeks ahead and, please trust me on this, you WILL learn to to dance in the rain until the sun shines for you again.

You also know that you have a support group here that is at your service 24/7 any time you need help or comfort or a very unmumsnet hug - don't be shy about using it as often as you feel the need.

Wisedupwoman Fri 30-Sep-11 19:57:31

fortyfairy. I read your post and then I had to go out and buy some wine. Then I had to roll a fag. So, armed with said drink and fag:

I waited 6 weeks for him to make up his mind (*yes stupid I know*)

Stupid? No. Years and years of investment in a relationship that was so important to you, you weren't as willing as he was to just give up on it. Not stupid.
he chose her

Of course he did, she's the easy option. Apparently. But time will tell.

Then out of the blue I got an E-mail from him asking to give things another go how he still loved us all and realised what a terrible mistake he had made (everything was fine with OW )
No, everything was not fine, they were probably arguing about you, and he had a brief moment of self pity, realising that the grass is not greener blah blah see above.

You did the right thing in stipulating the conditions of his 'return' - he just couldn't meet these very simple and basic rules and that's his failing not yours.

I hate myself because I miss him so much and still love him very much
Why hate yourself for still having the capacity to love someone who has meant so much to you for so long? It's what you do with it that matters. You do not love him unconditionally, clearly, or you would have been telling us you have lain prone at his feet and held on to his legs, begging him to come back. But you have drawn a line in the sand with him. There is no way back. I still love my XH but would I even pass the time of day with him now? Never. Never.

I'm so lonely

You don't have to be lonely, and my bet is you'd be far lonelier if you had taken him back and you were probably lonely before he went any way. That will pass, in time.

I now feel like the miserable friend who goes on all the time about her dh
Check that one out with your RL network. It's likely that their perception of you is far different to your own - don't forget you 've had your self esteem and confidence eroded by this man's callous disregard and any one would question their self worth after that kind of treatment. Trust me, I know.

Everything seems worse this time so miserable and dyeing inside

Well there's nothing like crapping on someone twice for really twisting the knife - and again, trust me I know. This too, will fade but in it's own time and I would say don't fight it because when it turns to anger you can use it to your advantage and show the both of them you're a woman to be reckoned with.

My boys are wonderful
So, two thirds of the way into the post you say something positive and it's about your DS's. Why are they wonderful? Because they have you. Because they know who they want to be with and help through this. Because they recognise their DF is not the epitomy of a good male role model even though he is still their father. They are prioritising you because you didn't give up on their parents relationship and that goes a fuck of a long way in showing DC's what a strong and committed DM they have. So let them take care of you for a while, they're old enough and willing to do their bit and you are not taking advantage of them by accepting their help.

So - in essence - he fucked up. In the process he's dumped his fuckedupness onto you. But pretty soon when you have the legal system (and you need that), MN, RL whoever, and your DS's you will regain a different kind of you. One who gets up again and again and does another round with all the grief. You can do it. The worst is done really. Keep posting here. I'll lurk and post if it helps.

smile

BelleDameSansMerci Fri 30-Sep-11 20:02:32

Wisedup - lovely, wise post. You are well named.

Wisedupwoman Fri 30-Sep-11 20:15:59

blush thank you. Just hate to see this happening and really want to give something back.

BelleDameSansMerci Fri 30-Sep-11 21:22:44

You've helped me too, thank you.

fortyfairy Fri 30-Sep-11 21:48:21

Thank you so much Wisedupwoman I think I love you you make so much sense.
Thank you thank you xx

"You did the right thing in stipulating the conditions of his 'return' - he just couldn't meet these very simple and basic rules and that's his failing not yours."

Most of all thank you for the above he did say that things may have worked out if he had been aloud to come straight home. I have often blamed myself for not doing this. But at the end of the day a gradual return was what me and my boys wanted and if he wanted his family back he should have been prepared to walk over burning coals to get there.

Wisedupwoman Fri 30-Sep-11 23:02:42

He's not very subtle is he?

I mean, what more blatant a way can someone blame another for their own child-like and desolate weakness?

Pah! What is important is you stuck to your guns and you can already see that he was putting himself before his family - which is terribly hurtful but shows that you know who you are dealing with - and this will be your strength in the long run.

When he is reeling from the reality of his actions (and he will) it will energise you when you need it. That's the strange thing about affairs and marital breakdown like this. You may not realise it now but you have an enormous amount of power. At the very least you can expect your H to finally see he needs to treat you with a modicum of respect. You can command that just by the way you conduct yourself. However, slippery bugger that he probably is, I wouldn't be surprised if he tried something like that again, and you may need to prepare yourself to deal with another assault on your decision. It sounds like he doesn't like to know you actually have a mind of your own and he likes to be 'in control'.

The hardest thing I found was to hold on to the outsider perspective when I felt like I was drowning. But the more I posted the more I saw how other's saw my situation - I can only say how useful I found coming to MN and just spilling it all out. You may like to use here differently, but that's the beauty of MN, it really does exist for those who want to use it however they want to.

And hey, I was promised to Annie but I'm such a slut I'll marry you when you're free grin

MajorB Sat 01-Oct-11 13:40:07

Forty fairy, I just wanted to let you know that you ARE doing well, even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment.

In regards to getting on with your life I would suggest exercise, which sounds trite BUT I guarantee if you commit yourself to a new exercise routine (preferably one out of the house, workout DVDs can be good but essentially you're still indoors looking at the telly) and go 3 or 4 times a week to a fitness class or gym it will do you the world of good.

I genuinely don't care if you're a size 8 or 28, this is not a size/weight issue (though toning up is an added perk!) but you sound really low, and doing something that's just for you, will release positive endorphins into your body and give you something to focus on, WILL make you feel better, I promise!

You may also meet new people, change your "stuck in front of the telly" routine, and generally feel better about yourself - humour me & try it, then come back in a month and tell me how you feel.

Good luck for the future, whatever you decide. smile

fortyfairy Sat 01-Oct-11 14:48:42

Oh my god just had a txt from him he said,
"Just insured my car have left your name on the policy and left the address as yours as it was £250 more if I put my current address."

Bloody hell that's because the skanky OW lives in a not so good area !! I'm absolutely fuming.

BalloonSlayer Sat 01-Oct-11 14:53:49

Bloody Cheek!

Do you know what insurance company it is? Can you ring to dob him in confirm you are off the policy and express surprise and alarm that the registered address is still your house?

Wisedupwoman Sat 01-Oct-11 14:55:56

Ah, well, this is the (illegal?) equivalent of what mine did just after he left. he asked me to put him on the census form as living at home because he didn't like the idea of 'failing to exist any more'. You will guess how I responded to that one.

What do you want to do? Allow him to use you as a convenience? I bet you don't and why should you? What have you got to gain? Do you share the car?

Wisedupwoman Sat 01-Oct-11 15:08:05

Love your post Balloonslayer grin

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Sat 01-Oct-11 15:09:39

I agree that doing something purely for herself may help fairy feel better, major but does it have to involve a workout?

A low burn sport such as darts (with a photo of the twunt attached to the bull's eye) may release some of those feel good endorphins you spoke of, but when I was prostrate with grief the thought of putting my body through a punishing exercise routine would not have filled me with anything other than the desire to pull the duvet firmly over my head.

On the other hand, a trip to the hairdresser can give a quick lift to the spirits and updating one's wardrobe can provide more lasting results - as can luxuriating in the soothing and tranquil atmosphere of a spa day with the treament(s) of one's choice.

Once her transformation is complete, fairy may find her inner confidence has been restored to a level where she is ready to face the world with a (albeit painted) smile on her face - and where she feels capable of casually grinding the twunt under the heel of one of her newly purchased fashionable shoes should he have the effrontery misfortune to get in her way to the gym or any other destination.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Sat 01-Oct-11 15:16:14

Wouldn't you know it? It all kicked off while I was tapping out my above response.

This is your first opportunity to encourage him to face the consequences of his actions, fairy. There will be many more to come grin

Start as you mean to go on.

How fucking dare he!

fortyfairy Sat 01-Oct-11 15:24:27

Good idea Balloonslayer don't know the company.
Izzy thanks you have made me laugh out loud I thank you.
Wisedup I too left him off the census and crossed his name off the electoral register and yesterday gave the tax credits people her address so he could pay half of the overpayment.
His old motorbike is still in the garage might go look for a hammer later.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Sat 01-Oct-11 15:26:49

So, essentially, the skanky OW gets to be ferried around in a car that is registered to your address and benefits from the £250 he's saved by wiping his shoes on you?

As always, there's no need to dignify his text with a speedy response because you will always have other, more pressing, matters to attend to.

BalloonSlayer has the right idea - a call to the insurance company on Monday will ensure that he stays on the right side of the law.

When you get around to replying to his text, suggest that either he makes the call or you will.

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