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potential date big into S&M, I'm not, would it bother you?

(185 Posts)
msshapelybottom Thu 29-Sep-11 19:11:37

Been chatting, speaking on the phone and texting a guy from POF this week, getting on like a house on fire, supposed to be meeting next week. The conversation turned to fantasies and he said he is into S&M, not just a bit of light bondage, the whole shebang.

I am not into this at all, in fact the idea of it turns me right off and really feel there's no point even meeting if we are already going to be out of synch sexually speaking. In all honesty, I'm no prude, but I feel kinda funny about him now I know this.

Am I being daft letting this stop me from meeting him? He's gobsmacked that it would bother me.

If someone is into S&M and role play, can they still enjoy "vanilla" sex with someone? It's a genuine question BTW, I'd really like to know!

Thoughts please?

lubeybooby Thu 29-Sep-11 19:14:15

Well I was speaking to a guy that was VERY into it, and i'm not so much... he said vanilla wasn't a problem for him and that he had totally vanilla relationships without it being a problem.

ImperialBlether Thu 29-Sep-11 19:15:42

Why would you bother meeting him, when his fantasy is to do something to you that you would hate?

It's better that he told you. It's also better he finds someone who shares his fantasy and it's better for you to stay away from him.

Maisiethemorningsidecat Thu 29-Sep-11 19:17:17

I wouldn't want to get involved, but then I'm an old bird who's been married for ages and prefers the quiet life

SkinnedAlive Thu 29-Sep-11 19:17:19

Just meet him and see how it goes smile Even if you both deceide it wouldn't work and only end up friends would that be so bad?

For the right person I think most people will make compromises - which goes both ways really. With the right man you may find mild S & M fun, for you he may be 100% happy with 'vanilla'.

AKissIsNotAContract Thu 29-Sep-11 19:17:44

Is he sub or Dom? Point him in the direction of:
www.informedconsent.co.uk

I'm suprised he was gobsmacked that it would bother you really, sexual compatibility is important.

squeakytoy Thu 29-Sep-11 19:19:31

I cant imagine having an online conversation with a total stranger who I am possibly going to meet about my sexual fetishes etc.. confused

Unless of course, it was purely to meet up for the purpose of a shag.

I wouldnt want to meet someone on this sort of platform, if I was looking for a relationship.

It may just be me being a bit out of touch, but I would find it rather seedy.

tethersend Thu 29-Sep-11 19:20:07

For him to mention it before you've met would suggest it's pretty much a dealbreaker for him...

livingonthedge Thu 29-Sep-11 19:20:25

its the He's gobsmacked that it would bother me that would put me off - I have a couple of (male) friends into S&M but they both see themselves as a minority - not wrong and not a tiny minority but a minority none the less. Is he surprised that you are not into it or surprised that you'd be bothered that he likes it (before he met you assuming a faithful relationship i thefurture) - I think that there is an important difference. The former is his not accepting the statistics [insert alarm bells icon] the latter is okay I think.

MangoMonster Thu 29-Sep-11 19:21:04

Really depends on how much you would care to find out and possibly experiment. He obviously likes it so if you are going to have a future together you would have to compromise. Maybe meet him and find out more unless you really can't entertain the idea, then cut your losses now.

BluddyMoFo Thu 29-Sep-11 19:21:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

icemaidensu Thu 29-Sep-11 19:21:57

Bloody hell lubs...!! If i was you would deffo give it a Miss...!

msshapelybottom Thu 29-Sep-11 19:25:16

Interesting to hear some views...we were talking in general (I thought) about small fantasies, you know, uniforms and stuff!! Then he mentioned this.

I am pretty sure I wouldn't want this to be a regular part of my sex life.

Even if we do meet, I'll be looking at him and imagining him with a gimp mask on, it's all fecking ruined grin

bushymcbush Thu 29-Sep-11 19:25:21

Yes it would bother me. Even if we got together and he agreed to keep s&m out of our relationship, I would always wonder if he thought sex with me was boring.

Phoenixx Thu 29-Sep-11 19:28:18

Run for the hills! The guy sounds like a creep, I would be scared shitless!

slapshead Thu 29-Sep-11 19:29:03

It was a deal breaker for me.

I went out on a few dates with someone I really liked. It turned out he was massively into this and wanted to be dominated, beaten, peed on, made to eat his own ejaculatory fluids. Eww. Scrubs self clean at the memory of it. This all came out the first time we slept together. I kept stressing I wasn't into that, he kept pushing and pushing for it all. I walked away pronto - how could we have been compatible if he was desperate to do this stuff and I really didn't want to, and then on top of that because he kept pushing the issue, which was raising big red flags to me? He was trying to trick me into it iyswim.

I do honestly think that for lots of people who are into this sort of thing they will never be fully satisfied with keeping it vanilla, but everyone's different, you never know. He has to know if you think you will never change your mind though and you are clear on that, in case, like my guy above, he thinks he can convert you.

swallowedAfly Thu 29-Sep-11 19:29:24

i reckon the fact that he wanted to get into full on conversations about sex preferences and was spewing his fetishes at you before even meeting you would be enough to make me lose contact with him pronto.

would you normally be talking about sex with a guy before you'd even met?

sounds like he's using dating sites as a means of lining up shags - if that's what you're after then up to you but if you are interested in something more than that i wouldn't bother. mind you even if you were only after sex i wouldn't bother at this point given you've identified you're into totally different stuff.

msshapelybottom Thu 29-Sep-11 19:30:29

yeah I've this niggly feeling that won't go away now. I never ignore these any more. Which might be why I'm still single but relatively intact sanity wise!

msshapelybottom Thu 29-Sep-11 19:32:53

No, I'm not looking for casual flings and normally run a mile once the sex talk starts but we've been getting on so so well up till now, I thought "lets see where this is heading" and here I am typing this!

Better to know now eh? I swear to god men on dating sites are either dysfunctional misfits, needy pussies or sexual deviants.

swallowedAfly Thu 29-Sep-11 19:33:24

yikes slaps! what kind of selfish prick is pushing a woman to do all the things he likes to pleasure him the first time you have sex anyway? regardless of what your preferences are trying to force someone to have sex your way, doing the things that you like being done to you with no consideration of what they like or getting to know each other or letting it be organic at all is messed up confused

Sofabitch Thu 29-Sep-11 19:34:34

Honestly. A vanilla relationship isn't going to be enough for someone who is a kinkster. You can love a vanilla. You can make love to a vanilla. But you can never satisfy that craving for your fetish. Which sooner or later will take over. So long term unless you are happy for them to meet that need else where. Or give it a good go -- you might even like it-- wink it's always going to be In the back of your mind. I know lots of kinksters married to vanillas and they all meet that need else where.

LeBOF Thu 29-Sep-11 19:35:59

RUN. At best, you are not compatible, and there's no point. At worst, he's a creep just after a shag on his terms- talking about sexual fetishes before even meeting is a bit of an indication of this, i w

swallowedAfly Thu 29-Sep-11 19:36:03

am i alone in thinking it's a bit odd to have a fixed idea of exactly what 'you' are into anyway? surely it changes with different partners? you see what the chemistry is like and where it leads you and what works for you 'two'?

i think someone having fixed fetishes that they announce would put me off whatever the fetishes are because it suggests sex is all about them and their pleasure and an extension of masturbation really rather than an organic thing between two people to be explored?

weird.

LeBOF Thu 29-Sep-11 19:36:15

would have thought.

msshapelybottom Thu 29-Sep-11 19:37:08

Yup, I'm not a kinkster. Well, not on that scale anyways grin

He's getting binned. That'll teach him to start the sex talk...

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