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He's a knob...I've had enough.

(25 Posts)
mrjellykeepskidsquiet Thu 29-Sep-11 18:32:19

We have seperate bank accounts but a joint one still open.
Tonight I asked if I could write a cheque for 40.00 and pay it back in next week and abruptly got cut off with a NO.

It is just the last straw in this crappy marriage, I pay for electric, food, internet, phone, tv licence and all stuff for the DC (clothes..school trips etc)

I can't be arsed with it anymore..dealing with someone who wouldn't give you the steam off his piss has worn me down.

Yet he uses the account for whatever he wants and takes weeks on end to pay it back in.

I don't know the best way to get away from him TBH...over the years he has become verbal abusive and at times nasty and aggressive.

At the moment he is slagging me off to my 5 year old...this is the level I am dealing with.

AnyFucker Thu 29-Sep-11 18:34:15

ok

what are you going to do about it ?

he sounds like a fucking loser...but how are you going to lose him from your life ?

is this just a rant, or are you serious you are going to end it ?

SirSugar Thu 29-Sep-11 19:12:15

Whats the Joint account for?

personally I would say, fuck you, empty half the joint account and tell him you will pay any 'joint bills' as and when direct.

Stop putting up with shit, it may get shittier but its shit anyway.

Phoenixx Thu 29-Sep-11 19:22:06

Sounds just like my 'marriage' I have moved in to DS's bedroom and will be leaving as soon as I can, its all part of the freaky control thing these men have, the professionals call it financial abuse.

Jux Thu 29-Sep-11 19:28:01

He is slagging you off TO YOUR FIVE YEAR OLD?????????

squeakytoy Thu 29-Sep-11 19:28:22

If he has freedom over spending what he wants, why did you even ask him. Dont say "can I", say "I am"...

If you have separate accounts, get half out of the joint account, (assuming you have contributed to it anyway), put it into your account, and do not put anything else into the joint account.

It sounds like you support him, so it would be no loss financially if he was out of your life, and he sounds like a bloody drain on your emotions as well as your finances.

He is a tosser for involving your child in his pathetic behaviour too.

fuzzywuzzy Thu 29-Sep-11 19:51:37

Get your name off the joint account. (personally I'd first withdraw every last penny from it first).

Then go see a solicitor tomorrow most do first hour free consultation.

Have a look on the law society website for family law solicitors in your area.

Rally friends & family round to give you moral & practical support.

roguepixie Thu 29-Sep-11 20:00:28

He's slagging you off to your 5 yo DC???????? WTF????? And as for you asking whether you can write a cheque....I assume you asked because you were being respectful but, tbh, he seems to be totally disrespectful of you.

I would empty the accounts, put it all in a new one which he can't get to and get yourself to a solicitor in the morning. He sounds like a dick and you sound like you've had enough.

Would your life, and that of your DC, be so much worse if he wasn't around???

Sorry, but whatever your differences and whatever he chooses to say to you and you choose to accept/not accept he should not involve a child in his manipulations.

mrjellykeepskidsquiet Fri 30-Sep-11 08:08:21

My mum always says I would be better off without financially and emotionally.

The account is mainly emergancies so it's not really used on a day to day basis. The cheque was for some dinner money at school that I haven't got enough for this week.....and that is mainly through a phone bill he ran up that is going out today.

It gets on my nerves that I have to beg to borrow 40.00 poxy quid until thursday and I don't even get that. He is obsessive over money, saving every penny you have and never getting any enjoyment from life.

For the people that mentioned him moaning at my 5 year old...he involves the DC all the time just to be petty, trying to get them onside I guess. Doesn't work though because he is a horrible shit to them most of the time so they see through it.

Rogue...No he really shouldn't involve them, but thats the level I have to deal with.

I wouldn't be able to afford a house deposit so have no idea what to do.

roguepixie Fri 30-Sep-11 09:37:03

Get a CAB appt mrjelly - you need some advice on your options. You shouldn't have to 'beg' for anything from your partner/H, leave alone money for the lunches of your joint DC.

It is a generalisation, I know, but it is often the men in a relationship that are more overtly controlling with money - what does this tell you? Controlling with money equals a way to control you. Why does he get to use joint money to pay for a bill he has incurred and then refuse you when you need to pay lunch money? He has no more rights to that money than you.

And, I'm sorry, but any person, man or woman, who uses a child to vent their feelings on is a total and utter scumbag. I understand that that is the level you have to deal with, but it isn't right. Would you want your DC to grow up thinking this way of acting is right? If your DC is a DD then would you want her to put up with it because that what's she's learnt or if a DS, would you want him to treat his partner the same way?

You need to take action now - you say you can't be arsed to deal with it anymore...then don't. Take decision action now and you won't have to deal with it for the rest of your life.

SirSugar Fri 30-Sep-11 09:38:30

I would write that cheque anyway.

solidgoldbrass Fri 30-Sep-11 10:38:30

I'd recommend a chat with Women's AId, too. This is financial abuse (keeping you short of money for essentials) along with verbal/psychological abuse.
They will not laugh at you or tell you to go away unless you are being beaten. Abuse is abuse and they will be able to offer you practical help in getting rid of this man.

mrjellykeepskidsquiet Fri 30-Sep-11 11:38:14

I've had to borrow the money off my DM.....thank god shes around really. I feel terrible asking her but she will get it back next week.

Will try Women's Aid as suggested.

SaggyHairyArse Fri 30-Sep-11 12:13:14

You have my sympathies. he sounds like a controlling prick.

Womens Aid will help and also you can call www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/ for free legal advice.

when I decided my marriage was over, I went to the CAB, Housing Office, saw the Lone Parent Advisor at the Job Centre and contacted www.cmoptions.org/. I worked out what I was entitled to and how I was going to manage financially and then hit him with it one evening.

Once you start to gather the info, you realise there is a way and that actually you will be better off without him (not talking financially).

Best of luck, be strong!

Jux Fri 30-Sep-11 13:41:07

It's a joint account. You don't have to ask. It's lunch money, not some £1000 designer dress you've taken a fancy to. Just take the money you need. Pay it back (if he pays back the phone bill). Reorganise your finances. Tell him why.

Proudnscary Fri 30-Sep-11 13:44:47

I think the fact you say he is a 'horrible shit' to your dc is more pertinent here than the financial abuse. In what way does he treat them badly and is it really all the time?

Your dc will grow up feeling anxious and worthless if they have a father like this, and that's just heartbreaking.

Can you talk it all through with your mum or a close friend - how and when to leave?

GreenMonkies Fri 30-Sep-11 13:45:00

I agree with Saggy, even though in real terms my finances have reduced considerably, I am now in complete control of the budget, and have found I now have more disposable income than I had before. It's actually much easier than I thought it was going to be.

mrjellykeepskidsquiet Fri 30-Sep-11 13:49:25

I talk to my mum...she is great.
My dad doesn't really know much, he would not be happy to say the least.

He just winds them up and causes so many problems. He can be quite verbally aggressive with them.

An example last week he got home and we had just started tea, everyone was quiet and eating, then he has to start picking on DS1 and causing a big row with him. It is draining in all honesty

ballstoit Fri 30-Sep-11 13:50:35

What's the situation with the house you currently live in? Is it mortgaged or rented, and in whose name?

If you are serious about ending the relationship, there is a lot of RL help available to you...Women'd Aid, or your local Children's Centre would be a good starting point.

cestlavielife Fri 30-Sep-11 13:51:14

"he is a horrible shit to them most of the time "

err you need to leave with the Dc for their sake.
whyshould they be expected to put up with this?

even if they stil have contact with him at least for 50% of time or more they can live a peaceful life

ballstoit Fri 30-Sep-11 13:52:50

Another one who on paper, is massively worse off since ex-H left...but in reality manage much better and with far less stress as no one is undermining the family budget by blowing £100s on scratchcards and lottery tickets.

mrjellykeepskidsquiet Fri 30-Sep-11 14:13:38

Rented and I am not on the lease...so would have to move out.

ShoutyHamster Fri 30-Sep-11 15:30:16

Hey... this is a joint account.

Write the cheque, my dear... it's in no way his decision. Just as he presumably made the unilateral decision to run up the phone bill.

You don't have to ask his permission to do anything wrt the joint account.

Write the cheque, then take what you reckon is actually OWED to you out of this account, then get your name taken off it - hopefully before he realises.

Then start cutting the rest of your ties to this tosser. It's great that you're rented and not on the lease - hey, you can be gone by tomorrow and there's not jack shit he can make you do to keep on paying towards the place. Could you move in with your parents for a bit, get on your feet, and then get a new tenancy?

Talk to your parents. Put this to them: if they help you NOW, firstly putting a roof over your head and secondly maybe helping you with a deposit, they'll be helping create a situation where long term you'll be solvent and free of this man, and their grandchildren will be happier and more secure. You'll probably be in a better position to help THEM as they get older too. Let them help. You'll pay it back eventually.

The alternative is that their daughter wastes more time with a shit of a bloke and their grandchildren carry on being miserable, and as they get older and need more family help, instead of having a grateful daughter to help support them, they'll have to negotiate a surly, selfish, shitty son in law.

Pickadaytocelebrate Fri 30-Sep-11 16:19:45

Time to cut your losses and get rid of him. Don't forget he will have to may maintenance to you for the children and you may be entitled to benefits too. He will have less control over his own money and no control over yours.

GreenMonkies Fri 30-Sep-11 16:32:33

Could you speak to the landlord and get your name on the lease? Then kick him out.

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