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How can i get through this again.....

(20 Posts)
welshmum77 Thu 29-Sep-11 13:37:36

My partner of 2 years decided to walk out on me 3 weeks ago with hardly any reason whatsoever. He had moved in with me and my two children in January and I thought everything was going well. Three weeks ago when at work he text me saying he wasnt happy and that he was going to stay with his parents that night. We had had a few upsets in the family recently and its been a tough time but I thought we had got through it. We had been trying for a baby for the last eight months and since we split he told me he agreed to this to "make me happy". I have put up with such a lot from him since we met he has an incurable back condition which makes him bed bound on occasion, he is reliant on diazepam for this which he has to take every single day and this also severely affected our sex life. I had accepted all this as I loved him so much and was prepared to spend my future with him whether i ended up caring for him eventually or not. When things got hard or we had an argument he would leave for the night and go and stay with friends and on one occasion he even booked into a B&B leaving me at home with the children which im quite sure if they were his he wouldnt have done it. During the time we were together he quit two jobs and I let him stay with me without paying a penny towards anything. I feel like i have put so much into this relationship and have nothing to show for it now except pain.

I have been having panic attacks and cant stop crying...he has said there is no chance of us getting back together and he is sorry...he says there is no one else which I think i believe due to the issues above caused by diazapam and his diabetes. I just feel so hurt and upset his friends and family cant believe it they have all said i am the best thing that has ever happened to him whereas all my friends and family are saying in the long run he has done me a favour and that he isnt mature enough to deal with my children and the responsibility of a house etc. The thing is he works locally and i keep seeing him around the thought of seeing him with someone makes me feel physically torturing myself thinking of things and just want to feel normal again. Its been three weeks now and surely I should be ok. Any advice would be appreciated as Im so fed up of feeling so low and the constant fear of bursting into tears is wearing me down. He was everything to me and I thought he was my future. What did I do wrong :-(

Punkatheart Thu 29-Sep-11 15:12:00

I am so so sorry my love. Another member of The Heartbreak Club that makes me cry as well. Take a breath. Please please get support from the GP or call The Samaritans if you feel really desperate. There are (free) therapies you can have and to talk will be of enormous benefit. I am being assessed for some tomorrow. Don't overthink...having those negative thoughts going round and round can be so very destructive. He is not mature or responsible enough to be a husband or a father. Let him be on his own. Mine is with his mother and has been for months. Mine says that he is not coming home.

I know that the pain seems unbearable...but you must get some help. If you live near me (Near Reading) I would meet you and have a chat. The bursting into tears thing I can's the most frustrating thing. I cry at couples, at small bloody everything...feeling sick is your body going into panic mode, trying to escape.

Keep talking here. Lots and lots of women have been through the same thing...all of us at different stages and with different emotions. Friends and family are trying to help but I know what you feel.


mumsamilitant Thu 29-Sep-11 15:42:21

Please read and re-read what you have just written. He doesn't sound at all worthy of your tears x

welshmum77 Thu 29-Sep-11 16:07:27

punkatheart & mam - thank you for your replies. i have an appointment with the doc 2morrow. I feel its the only thing that will help..its the silly constant reminders that make me sad and the fact that i know my friends see him out and about with work all the time. I feel that i want to throw myself at his feet and beg him to come back but I wont as I know he is not worth it. This has happened to me before and it feels like I will never be happy. I have my two children but I know that I would love another baby at some time. I had all my hopes for my future with him and he just took them away one day without warning. I know i am in panic mode but cant control it. I have had my friends and family around me who have been amazing but he has cut all ties unless he needed to pick up his things. He said it wasnt an easy decision but he didnt even discuss things with me. Just said he didnt love me, the kids were hardwork and saying we could try for a baby was a mistake - yet I saw how disappointed he was every month when it didnt happen. Im missing his family terribly but I know I cant stay in touch it would break my heart knowing what he was up to. i just dont know how anyone can be so cruel he keeps saying he is sorry but it means nothing after the way he has done this - pretty much all by text. I feel completely numb and most of the time im thinking of him. Im generally such a strong motivated person. I have my girls, my friends, my house is mine but i just wanted to share it all with him.

squeakytoy Thu 29-Sep-11 16:11:30

his friends and family cant believe it they have all said i am the best thing that has ever happened to him whereas all my friends and family are saying in the long run he has done me a favour and that he isnt mature enough to deal with my children and the responsibility of a house etc

And they are all correct. The thing is, they are seeing it with different loyalties. Your family care about you and your future, and to be honest, with what you have posted, a child is the last thing you need to be putting into this relationship anyway, while he is still so immature himself. His family and friends obviously like you, and appreciate he must have landed a good one who would take care of him, but that isnt the way it works!! You are meant to take care of each other and this relationship was very much one sided with you doing all the giving and him doing all the taking.

on one occasion he even booked into a B&B leaving me at home with the children which im quite sure if they were his he wouldnt have done it

Oh I am quite sure he would.. sad

During the time we were together he quit two jobs and I let him stay with me without paying a penny towards anything

I refer you back to the comment about his family and your family with that one! He was taking the piss.

I feel like i have put so much into this relationship and have nothing to show for it now except pain.

Trust me on this, you wont see it right now, but what you have gained is valuable life experience, and escaped it with your freedom, and without another child and a constant link to someone who will bleed you dry and give you no support. Some might call it a lucky escape.

What did I do wrong :-(

from what you have posted, nothing, absolutely nothing wrong, other than to be involved with the wrong man. It hurts like hell right now, but please, listen to your family and your friends, they are the ones with YOUR best interests at heart, and they are the ones who are there for you right now. It will get easier, honest. x

buzzskillington Thu 29-Sep-11 16:40:13

Oh dear. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It's only been 3 weeks though, and it came as a shock, so it will be raw, very raw - there's no timescale on it, but in a while you will feel better.

And I think a little way down the road you'll realise you've had a lucky escape.

He sounds awful, lazy, entitled - and you sound like you've poured everything into this relationship for so very little in return.

Maybe try a bit of counselling or reading that book "Women who Love Too Much" or something like that, and make sure you're in the best possible shape in self-esteem and with good strong boundaries and expectations for a relationship before you start seeing anyone again. Sorry, you're not going to be ready to think about that yet. But you will be.

I hope things start looking brighter soon and you see him for what he was.

aliceliddell Thu 29-Sep-11 16:49:51

You won't always feel like this, it will gradually get better. Pretty much everybody goes through it sometime, it's not anything you did wrong, it's just a horrible experience.

AnyFucker Thu 29-Sep-11 18:05:34

OP, read squeaky's post

then read it again

then read all the others telling you that this cocklodging manchild is not worthy of you

then listen to all your friends and family that say you are too good for him

it istrue

all of it

welshmum77 Fri 30-Sep-11 11:31:16

Thanks for all your replies and i know your all so right....i had an ok day yesterday but today is a different story i have been in pieces since I woke up...i have been to docs been given some tablets and some time off work to sort myself out..i just want to stop the pain i miss him so much and just having him around i cant deal with the loneliness. Your replies all make so much sense and for a time they make me feel so much better but then my mind takes over and he is in there again. I havent heard a thing off him he hasnt a clue how im feeling or what im going through trying to keep things together for my dds and not let them see too much of how im feeling...sorry i sound like a right misery...i know its for the best deep down but it doesnt make me feel any better x

Punkatheart Fri 30-Sep-11 11:43:11

I send hugs. Not the usual Internet kissy kissy ones but a strong all-enveloping 'I know what you mean' hug. I feel entirely the same about my OH. It hurts to the marrow, doesn't it? We have all this love inside us and they have freedom. What a high price they pay...I do hope that they realise it in time. Maybe one day they will wake up with the guilt on them like a stone.

But we have to think about US welshmum. That is their story. Ours is beginning and maybe it is being rewritten but it will be OK.

My DD - sometimes a difficult teenager - put her arms around my waist last night and said 'Whatever happens I will love you and I will love you forever.' You gave birth and you will have them always.

Can you find something to fill the thoughts? Rubbish TV, walking etc. I have this feeling of wanting to gather up all these heartbroken people and just keep walking. Walking until we can laugh again and feel OK. But all I can do is send my hopes to you and support. Sorry it's such a very little gift.

welshmum77 Fri 30-Sep-11 11:56:50

Thankyou pah its comforting to know im not the only one going through this at the moment. I would like to think this is the beginning of a new life for me and its all happened for a reason which im sure it has. My dds are 7 and 9 and they have been so lovely through all of this..the good thing is they are not missing him really so they are not sad. I do hope he wakes up one day and realises what he has lost and what he could of had and by that time I will be happy without him. I have surrounded myself with my friends and family and been trying to keep really busy but as soon as I stop it starts again. I thought I would be stronger this time but i guess not. I like the sound of walking and walking im sure it would be good for the soul!!

Charbon Fri 30-Sep-11 12:01:11

OP would you feel worse or better if it turned out that he has someone else?

Because it is the most likely reason for his sudden departure and is, I suspect, why he booked into a B&B that time.

For most women, knowing that this is the real reason helps tremendously, because it stops you focusing on your own faults or worse still in your situation, the childrens'. Knowing that your ex is just a liar who has simply found another soft landing will hurt and make you angry, but at least then the anger will be directed where it's most deserved.

Punkatheart Fri 30-Sep-11 12:33:04

I know that most people base things on their own experience but really, some men do leave because they simply want to be on their own, they cannot cope or they are just cowardly. They decide they do not want to be part of a family, just like my OH. No, I don't think it helps to have the thoughts that there might be anyone else on the scene...when fragile, scared and depressed.

Just concentrate on you welshmum. Buy something nice to eat if you have an appetite.

welshmum77 Fri 30-Sep-11 12:33:07 pretty sure there isnt anyone else because of the intimate problems he has with sex. I know this isnt something that has happened recently its been a problem since we met but i dealt with it and loved him so much that I tried not to let it be a problem.Also when he stayed in the B&B he was texting me all night long and sent me a picture of the room he was staying in - please dont ask why he did that as I dont know. This is what he would do..disappear for the night after an row but when he was away would constantly text me to try and sort things out and then come home and say sorry. The relationship was based more on having fun but i still loved him so much and when were together he always acted like he really loved me. I dont know what to think anymore

Charbon Fri 30-Sep-11 14:02:20

I guess you can only speak for yourself punkatheart though, which is why I asked the OP if it would help if she found out there was someone else. We all post from our experience after all, but if you think I'm personally projecting, this situation has never happened to me personally. It has however happened to several people I've known and I've read lots of threads here and on other forums. Hence I can categorically state that I've never known a situation when a man has left suddenly and there hasn't been an OW involved, either waiting for a relationship to start (in the best of cases) or because there is an existing relationship.

OP, you said the sexual problems have always been there, so if you took him on despite that, it follows that someone else might too, doesn't it?

I can see no reason why he would take pictures of the B&B incidentally, other than to protest too much that he was there alone.

Really, you've just got to focus on what will help you get over this. Often anger helps, especially if you're doing unhelpful things like blaming yourself or your situation. Re-read what izzy has said too, because what this man hasn't brought to the relationship should be enough really, to breathe a sigh of relief that he might be someone else's problem now. He would be called a "cocklodger" on Mumsnet, except he couldn't even manage that...wink

Wisedupwoman Sat 01-Oct-11 15:27:57

grin at Carbon but sadly I couldn't agree more with everything you've said. Taking photo's of the room? For your benefit OP? NO. To cover his back more like (no pun intended).

If your family and friends could see what you couldn't their instincts are worth tuning into. People on the outside can often see what love blinds us too. Unfortunately, many people sit on the fence until something happens.

You will recover, sooner than you think. And the sooner you get very angry with him the better you'll be able to deflect any 'I've had a change of heart' type texts - as predictably all too often happens despite the show of bravado in the beginning.

Wisedupwoman Sat 01-Oct-11 15:28:19

Charbon, even.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Sat 01-Oct-11 15:44:42

his friends and family cant believe it they have all said i am the best thing that has ever happened to him

I suspect that his frends and family have had years of negative interactions with this guy and they'll say that to any woman who is stupid beguiled enough to take him off their hands.

Your friends, on the other hand, have your interests at heart - listen to them.

welshmum77 Mon 03-Oct-11 09:00:20

Thank you for all your advice im beginning to feel a little better. I had a text off him Sat night saying "i love you" apparently his friend got hold of his phone and sent it...regardless it was a cruel and nasty thing to do whoever sent it. The good thing is it didnt upset me too much i had a slight wobble because i drove past a hotell we stayed in together - sad i know but the slightest reminder sets me off. im trying to stay positive and put all my energy into my dds and my friends for now. i hope he is happy but even his friends have said he is always looking for more!

CelticStarlight Mon 03-Oct-11 11:05:42

His friend didn't send it, he is playing with your head. You are well rid.

You sound a lovely person with a lot of love to give. Find someone worthy of it and don't give this tosser any more head space.

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