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Please help: my DH has betrayed me and not sure what to do

(17 Posts)
flipflapcatflap Thu 29-Sep-11 08:27:45

The other day when innocently flicking through internet history looking for a recipe (yes sad I know) I found that my Dh had been visiting a website.  I do know this site, we both have profiles on there but then I found that he has been memoing member of that site and they have been memoing back.  There is nothing particularly over sinister about what he has written, just nice compliments and exchanging pictures with a couple of women.

The irony of this is that I know we both go on this site, we both look at local stuff, pictures and say hi to friends but for the last 4 years it has been just that and all innocent - this is not the same at all as far as I am concerned.

What is really hurtful is that this has only been in the last 4 weeks or so (as I worked out his password and logged on) but it coincides with a really difficult period for me (including finding out I am expecting another baby) 

I am so devastated, he is genuinely full of remorse and I do know his intention was not to hurt me but I am absolutely heartbroken about it.  He is not into porn (which I wouldn't have minded anyway as I like it myself) it is the personal nature of this that hurts so much, that he has complimented them on their profiles, their looks etc.

Please help, because I love him and I know he loves me.  I can understand why he has been feeling down and useless in the face of the problems we have, I understand this was a fishing for compliments thing and he was after a bit of flattery but I just cannot accept what he has done.

The result of this is that I am almost at the point of having anxiety attacks about it - I am feeling sick all the time because of the baby anyway and I am wretched about this - what I would like to do is just have never known at all. 

I feel so let down, please if you have any suggestions as to what I can do to get past this I would be so grateful.


flipflapcatflap Thu 29-Sep-11 08:28:43

Sorry I am a regular here but I have name changed because I feel so humiliated.

MadameOvary Thu 29-Sep-11 08:35:33

If you can manage to put it into perspective (which is difficult right now as you are still too shocked) then I think you genuinely have a chance of getting past this.
Talk, talk, and talk some more.

MadameOvary Thu 29-Sep-11 08:40:39

Sorry that wasn't meant to be patronising, but you know your DH better than anyone, if he is genuinely sorry and can admit that he should have sought reassurance from you rather than other women (and really understands this) then you can take this as something to learn from. Once you have dealt with the immediate issues hopefully it will make you stronger as a partnership.

glasscompletelybroken Thu 29-Sep-11 09:12:14

Firstly - however bad he may feel about what he has done to you it is NOT your job to make him feel better. he really needs to know how much he has hurt you so don't for one second let him dominate with how bad he is feeling.

It sounds as though you really want this to work out so you can get past this. My advice is to let yourself experience the full force of your feelings. it's tempting in these situations to try not to think about it, keep busy, bury it somewhere in your mind. In the long run that won't help you. You need to spend time thinking it through and talking it through to come to terms with it and move on.

I know it's a cliche but take one hour of each day at a time and when you are feeling at your very worst know that it is a black moment and that later, or tomorrow or next week you will have a better moment, then a better morning, then a better day.

It's so painful to be betrayed like this but you can get through it.

flipflapcatflap Thu 29-Sep-11 09:49:20

What is so sad is he is really aware of what he has done - he is so sorry and I know it is as far as it has gone and their was no ill intent - it was about getting some attention and not thinking through the consequences. He is a good name, what he has done is shitty but I do think it is important for me to get it into perspective because otherwise it will pollute all the areas of our lives together.

glass - he is absolutely aware of what he has done and the hurt he has caused and I agree it is important to not try and make it better for him (as is my instinct).  

I think it is also about when you have the measure of someone and think you know them and then something like this happens and it sort of fucks up your view of everything. I am shocked about it - half an hour before I found the evidence I would have bet my life on him never being able to do something like this.

flipflapcatflap Thu 29-Sep-11 09:52:19

And sorry, thanks for your reassurances, I am really messed up about this and it means a lot as I cannot tell anyone in real life

Spellcheck Thu 29-Sep-11 10:02:49

You are so vulnerable at the moment, we all are when pregnant, and hormones run rife - I am a total biiaatch at the moment, 14 weeks gone - but it occurred to me the other day that my beloved DP is also vulnerable, it's his first DC and my 4th, we have to somehow get the loft conversion to make room for us all, he's working so hard to pay for it, he's got a lot to think about really. Not making excuses AT ALL for your DH's behaviour, but just examining reasons why. Sometimes I feel I could PAY builders to wolf-whistle me when I'm feeling particularly shite or fat but it's the last thing on my mind to sleep with anyone else. Ugh.

Perhaps you have stopped something before it got more complicated.

Perhaps, and more probably, he was after a bit of an ego boost. Now you know, you can do it instead of those women, after all you know him best! wink

MadameOvary Thu 29-Sep-11 10:05:22

You need the space to express your anger/sorrow/disappointment
And in a little while give him space to vent his reasons (while also taking responsibility for his actions!)
Then discuss how to move forward. Maybe that means deregistering from the site, or changing the profile to make it clear flirting is not wanted, or having a photo of the two of you.

flipflapcatflap Thu 29-Sep-11 10:10:18

It was about ego yes as he feels he can nothing right and more importantly there is a lot he cannot control - he and I are good together but we do have an awful lot on our plates and he feels flattened by it all I think. I do think that this is a metaphorical wolf whistle for him, I have had complete access to all his email and the site and the content is looking for an ego boost. I am quite sure he would not sleep with anyone else, certainly not without leaving and falling in love, it is just not his thing (unlike me who can have meaningless sex - tart!)

And agree that it important to understand why it happened and he does and I do know it will not happen again, making him crawl over broken glass is not what i want to do. The worse thing for him is seeing me upset but I really want to try and get past this.

He knows he has been stupid and thoughtless and really he couldn't be more sorry so I have to really try but my anxiety and being sicky and pregnant are not helping at all - I feel like I need to sleep for a week.

flipflapcatflap Thu 29-Sep-11 10:13:43

Yes he told me to remove the profile etc but funnily enough I genuinely do not feel the need to - I do trust him that it will not happen again. I think trying to sensor him and police anything will be a long road and not one I want to go down.

He does socially flirt a fair bit at work and such he is attractive and gets a lot of attention generally - I think it is the fact that I am in such a bad place and needed him to boost me and he chose to do something left field instead of concentrating on us - but again I can see his reasons (although it does not make it ok)

I think being updiffed is making me a bit madder anyway and my craving for security naturally increases so it makes it even worse.

flipflapcatflap Thu 29-Sep-11 10:18:51

Reading back I would also like to add that I am not so far up my own backside that I don't know in the scheme of things, and compared to others here that this is a relatively minor thing, just that I am so shocked and never thought I would be in this position.

Sorry to anyone who is in a bad way in this sort of situation, I know I am making a mountain out of a middle sized molehill!smile

MadameOvary Thu 29-Sep-11 10:19:54

You already sound calmer, although you may be feeling this for a while yet, which is fine.
It seems as if this is something you can both overcome, so treat it as the first step to getting back on track, and remember to keep talking. smile

MadameOvary Thu 29-Sep-11 10:24:03

Having been on both sides in this situation, I think you've done exactly the right thing, paused to take some advice which has already given you a bit of perspective.
As for anyone judging the severity of your situation - it says more about them than you. There is ALWAYS someone worse off than you, but pointing this out is never constructive, and doesn't lessen your immediate distress, so I dont understand why people do it...

flipflapcatflap Thu 29-Sep-11 10:49:27

NO but you do read some terrible things that happen to people on here - and I do really feel for them and always try to post support.

My anxiety stems from my first marriage and it's breakdown which was horrible and still involves a vile court case which is part of the problem. The anxiety consuming me is fear about things fucking up and my children being Fatherless (yes I know i am projecting too far but that haunts me because I am happy agai after a long period of absolute distress for the children and myself)

He is a great man on so many levels, I deeply admire him and I know it is mutual, we are very similar in many ways so I can entirely see where he is coming from on this. But aside form the confident happy woman I mostly inhabit there is a very frightened person who suffered years of abuse from someone who thought he loved me - it took a real leap of faith for me to even have a real relationship again let alone involve my children. We have been so happy, have had another two children since we met and I felt safe, really safe for the first time in about 10 years. This small thing has shaken me to the core.

MadameOvary Thu 29-Sep-11 13:17:09

So sorry to hear about your past abuse. You sound like you've done an incredible job in dealing with that and moving on, but it always comes into play with anything that involves loss of trust/betrayal. Does your DH understand the extra dimension this must give to the way you feel? Does he know about this abuse?

flipflapcatflap Thu 29-Sep-11 14:07:07

Yes he does know - that is half the problem that my ex is still a massive problem and we feel short of leaving the country we will never escape!

Honestly, he didn't put two and two together but he is aware now and is doing all he can to make it up. I am very very over sensitive about trust issues that is true (although it doesn't excuse what he has done) - to be honest I didn't realise how much of an issue I have with it until now. I have nevr felt the need to police and snoop on him and I am not a jealous person or anything so it has never come up before, it is more about a terrible fear of losing everything, again I wasn't aware I had this until now.

A relatively small breach has caused me to lose the plot and made me realise just how vulnerable I am - made him realise too because I do a good job at being ok.

I appreciate your input, I have to treat this with a proportionate reaction or it is going to spin out of control.

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