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I want out

(26 Posts)
serotoninbutterfly Wed 28-Sep-11 23:19:55

Hello all, just need somewhere to vent a little about all this. It will be a long post - sorry, but thank you if you are reading this.

I have been with my OH for just over three years, not married but have a 16 month old together. He has two kids from a previous relationship (7 & 5).

He has a bad history in employment - in the last 3 years he has been fired from 4 jobs and I'm pretty fed up now. Last straw recently though, we have just moved into an amazing house, which is a rental (private) and has left us struggling a bit financially. I work part time in a very demanding and emotionally draining job, and he had got a job paying good money with lots of added benefits like salary sacrifice for Bonus Bonds etc and a pay rise after probation. I sold my car to raise some funds - only £130 but it's also saving me on tax, insurance etc. He has a car which we both use.

Essentially, after being fired from 3 jobs previously, I stood by him and he promised that this would be better. But he has just been 'let go' as his attendance was too poor. This us because he was skiving essentially, and taking holiday just because he didn't want to go to work. To add insult to injury, he lied to me about being at work, inventing details about his day when I asked him about it. He dropped our son off at his mothers (who is our childcare as I cannot afford a childminder/nursery) and then stayed at home all day.

I feel like a complete idiot right now, and the worst part of it is that I just don't love him anymore. I was at a funeral recently of a man whose wife had never been away from him in 40 years and she was utterly devastated by his passing. I realised then that actually I wouldn't be all that bothered if I was in her situation, and I'm scared that I feel that cold.

I want him out and gone, but is it really the best answer? All I want is to be with my son, he is the world to me.

Thank you for reading and I'm sorry if it's a bit ranty 

ImperialBlether Wed 28-Sep-11 23:31:06

He sounds a complete waste of space. In your position I'd call it a day and say goodbye.

Would his mum still do the childcare if you left her son?

serotoninbutterfly Wed 28-Sep-11 23:34:25

Thank you for replying. Probably not, she has 3 other sons that she doesn't see (and countless grandchildren) because she has cut all ties with them, so I seriously doubt that she will want anything to do with my boy sad

I don't know how to get rid - does that sound stupid? How do I make him leave?

1catherine1 Wed 28-Sep-11 23:41:05

Firstly, I think if he died you probably would be upset - I think you are just hurt and betrayed so can't see that right now. After all, he is the father of your son.

I understand how you feel and can understand why you want out. He has lied to you and he is setting an extremely bad example to your son! Out of interest... how come you didn't notice he was receiving less money than he should have been. Were they paying him sick days?

So what would you like to happen now? Obviously him dying is not an option.. You have just moved so I assume you are still under a tenancy agreement-Could you afford it on your own long term?

He sounds very irresponsible!

solidgoldbrass Wed 28-Sep-11 23:47:15

He sounds like a total fucking liability to me - what are his good points? More to the point, what is his contribution like when it comes to housework and childcare? Does he do at least his fair share if not more?
If that's the case then you need a drastic re-think: some people really don't get on with being 'employed' but that doesn't necessarily mean they are lazy or selfish. Is it feasible for him to be SAHD?

OK, I have the feeling that you are going to say he does fuck all round the house as well and basically wants to spend his time on the sofa watching DVDs or wanking or something. In which case getting rid is your best option. If he is the father of your son he will be legally obliged to pay something towards the child's upkeep (though if he can't/won't work then this is going to be bugger all, really) but you won't have to subsidies this man's food or heating bills or hobbies.

serotoninbutterfly Wed 28-Sep-11 23:47:58

We are on a 12 month tenancy that I really cannot afford on my own, although a friend of mine has offered to move in, halve the rent/bills etc and go on the tenancy too, so thats sort of covered. I just can't imagine how he thought that I wouldn't notice! He gets paid sick leave up to a point, but as he was on probation they only need to give a weeks notice and although he tells me that he will get paid as usual on the 15th (rent day) I don't think he will, and I will not be able to pay the rent out of my wages - rent is only £250 less than my wages on my own.

I guess I just need to feel that I am not making a mountain out of a molehill here, and that the decision to get rid of him is the correct one really. I just have never had to do this before!

AnyFucker Wed 28-Sep-11 23:50:16

I think you should put this one down to experience and move on before he brings you and dc down any lower

This man-child will take no responsibilty for his own life, ever

Do you want to be always cast in the role of his nagging mother ?

get out now

serotoninbutterfly Wed 28-Sep-11 23:51:09

Solidgold - he does bits, and is doing the childcare while I work, but today is my first day off in 5 days and I have looked after our son, done the housework, got up with him etc etc while he has pretty much done whatever he does in his studio. Him pulling his weight is a mug discussed issue really!

He is great with my DS. but as he barely sees his other 2 let alone pays for them I don't see it being any different if I got rid.

serotoninbutterfly Wed 28-Sep-11 23:52:29

Thanks AnyFucker, I am glad I am not the only one who thinks I am his mother sad this is all so new to me, I have not a clue how to go about this blush

serotoninbutterfly Wed 28-Sep-11 23:52:59

* much discussed issue - damn iPhone

AnyFucker Wed 28-Sep-11 23:53:35

ah yes

barely sees his other 2 kids let alone pays for them

was that not a red flag to you, OP ?

or does he blame his ex for that...is she a "psycho bitch" by any chance ?

be prepared for him to paint you the same way when he realises you are serious you will not longer tolerate his cock lodging

AnyFucker Wed 28-Sep-11 23:54:51

what do you need to know, love ?

tell him it is over, and tell him why

he will have heard it all before, I reckon

why did he break up with the mother of his other dc ?

serotoninbutterfly Wed 28-Sep-11 23:57:22

It did, but I am as naive as they come, thought that I could be a steadying and mature influence, make him a better person etc etc. Might as well get 'mug' tattooed on my forehead really.

serotoninbutterfly Wed 28-Sep-11 23:58:56

She cheated on him, in their house, while their DCs were in bed. Felt sorry for the wronged lover and such drivel. What do I do to make him leave? I know he won't just pack his things and go sad

MumblingRagDoll Thu 29-Sep-11 00:01:59

Is his name on the tenancy? If so, then it might be a bit sticky.

AnyFucker Thu 29-Sep-11 00:02:07

speak to the landlord and have his name removed from the tenancy

get your mate to take it over

tell him to leave

if he gets threatening, call the police

love, it is a big, fat mistake to feel you can change someone just by loving someone enough

the only success you will achive is in grinding yourself into the ground

I say a massive well done to you that you have realised what is happening while you still have a lot of self esteem left

MumblingRagDoll Thu 29-Sep-11 00:04:56

I dont think it's as simple as speaking to the landlord. OP if I were you, I would telphone "Shelter" as they dont only offer avice for the homeless but for all knds of situations.

I think, in your cirumstances I would be thinking along the lins of moving out myself. If you got rid of him and your frined then left, then you would be stuck...you need to be in a place where you can pay the rent alone. Or staying with family perhaps.

MumblingRagDoll Thu 29-Sep-11 00:06:21

Your other option is looking into housing benefit. You may get help.

serotoninbutterfly Thu 29-Sep-11 00:07:37

I really don't want to give up the house, it's a cheap 3 bed in this area and the landlords are really lovely etc etc.

I am going to have to bite the bullet aren't I?

Thank you for all your advice and support. I'm going to try to get some sleep now, have to get up early to take the train to work.

AnyFucker Thu 29-Sep-11 00:08:03

Yes, not so simple as that. Sorry. Not my field at all.

Don't let any temporary practical difficulties sway you though

You have every right to end this relationship

MumblingRagDoll Thu 29-Sep-11 00:09:58

If you ask him to leave, he is probably within his rights to stay....as long as he pays the rent, there will be some legal way of removing him if he is not contributing.

As well as SHelter, speak to the Citizens Advice Beuruea....but Shelter hve lot of info on their site too. I hope you feel ok in the morning OP. Look after yourself.

1catherine1 Thu 29-Sep-11 00:10:47

Actually... it really depends on your landlord. Some are more easy going than others. When I left my exP I simply phoned the agency and told them I'd moved out and couldn't go back their for my own personal safety (situation is different I know) and that he was staying at the property so he would be taking over the rent. The contacted him and confirmed it and that was it.

When my current DP moved in with me I just told the landlord he was moving in and asked if it was a problem and her response was "well, he should be on the tenancy too but as long as the rent is paid then it doesn't really matter to me".

The issue at the moment is that OP has an 12 month tenancy, so really, if she moved out she could end up having to pay half of the remaining rent up until the house is re-let which if money is tight could be difficult. Although I agree that OP would be better somewhere she could afford without the friend. Do you have a 6 month break clause in your tenancy?

AnyFucker Thu 29-Sep-11 00:13:29

Thanks catherine, I posted my thought re speaking to the landlord from my admittedly small personal knowledge of these things

A friend of mine was able to do exactly as I said, but I do accept that may not always be the case

MumblingRagDoll Thu 29-Sep-11 00:18:00

But Catherines situation was different as she was leaving...the partner in your case OP...has some rights...I have just checked the Shelter site and it says that even if he fails to pay, the OP is still liable to pay all the rent.

I also checked about his rights to stay and he can....because it's a joint tenancy. HOwever...the OP can apply for an occupation order...

england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships/relationship_breakdown/occupation_orders

Info in the link.....this is a way to get the courts to remove one tenant...because of various reasons, one being not paying rent and breakdown of relationship.

hopefully the man wont let it get to that.

garlicnutty Thu 29-Sep-11 00:57:58

Firstly: well done for realising what a dependent user he is before you'd invested another 20 years of your life in him! Smart smile

I know it hurts - and you will have to grieve for what you thought he was, what you believed you had, for your hopes & dreams, and for his misrepresentations. It's possible he doesn't realise he's still an eight-year-old in a grown-up body, and possible he never will. Not your fault; it's not exactly obvious to begin with, is it? You've done well to get a handle on it so soon.

Re the flat: As you're in reliable employment, my first suggestion is go to your landlord/agent and lay your cards on the table. They vary wildly, so I shan't guess at their response, but you should give them the chance to keep you on as sole tenant, at a more affordable rent. Make them an offer of the most you can genuinely afford solo. When if they turn that down, tell 'em you have a source of extra funding. Don't mention your pal. Bullshit f you have to; you're still in the negotiation stage.

Whatever the result, get your tenancy changed to your name only (if they say they'll charge you more than £60 for this, tell them you'll get your own solicitor to do it - they're trying it on.)

If you don't get a satisfactory outcome, find out if your council runs a Fair Rent scheme. It used to be mandatory, but I think councils can opt in or out these days (haven't checked.) My rent's just been reduced by 16% on this and my council is officially the most corrupt in the country, so you stand a good chance! Don't tell the landlords you're doing this, the assessor will do it and by the your landlord is legally bound to comply.

Start looking for alternative accoms, with and without BFF. Also involve the police if STBX is refusing to go ... I reckon he'll have another mummy on standby, so probably will shuffle out if you're horrible to him.

With a modicum of luck and good sense, your place will now be (just) affordable solo. It's then up to you whether to share with BFF and have more disposable income. If your landlords are being complete twats, at least you've got feelers out elsewhere and will know what's available for you, now, with and without BFF.

It's all going to be OK!!! smile
Don't feel "victimised" just coz you picked a bad 'un. You didn't; he picked you. And now you're Ms Empowerful, with your own salary and Right on your side as well as rights - you'll be okay.

Once all that's sorted, you'll need a good friend and rather a lot of vodka to help you with the grieving. Go!

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