Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

advice needed desperately regarding social services

(882 Posts)
wannabestressfree Wed 28-Sep-11 21:10:18

I am desperate for some advice and wondered if anyone could help......

I have three sons. 14,10 and 7. My oldest is aspergers and ADHD, self harms daily and has had two stays in mental hospitals. On sunday he attacked me with a knife in front of my middle son. He didn't hurt me but obviously it was very scarey. He then absconded {he does this a lot} and eventually the police took him to hospital.

A house officer phoned me in the morning and said he would be requiring inpatient treatment but he is medicating at the moment [he is on a childrens ward} and so they have reversed the decision and say he is fit to return home. He self harms daily and his special education school has told social services they are refusing to have him back. I work full time as a teacher.

I told social services I wouldn't have him in the house......... this is after years of asking for help and they have phoned today and said they will give me respite for a week by placing him in foster care in our old home town. I cannot believe they would do this as this is where he absconds too and drinks and was basically told 'tough'......... no other foster carers would take him due to his mental condition. The social worker insisted I tell my school they were dealing with us {head was super supportive} and said they would be looking at the other children. I am so upset as I just want some help.

He will stop taking his medication when he comes home, attack the other children and roams in and out of the house. We are all exhausted.

So advice please............ do I take him back tomorrow or allow him into foster care that I know is not the right place. I honestly feel like they are emotionally blackmailing me..................

ivykaty44 Wed 28-Sep-11 21:12:50

allow him to go to foster care to protect your other dc

wannabestressfree Wed 28-Sep-11 21:19:02

Even though its a local town and he won't be in education? What happens when the week is up? Am sorry to ask lots of questions

PommePoire Wed 28-Sep-11 21:19:14

No advice I'm afraid, just posting to bump for you. It all sounds desperate, you poor things! I know nothing, but can your GP or the hospital doctor insist that for mental health reasons he shouldn't be fostered in this town where he likely to get into more trouble? I suppose that's no use if there are no other available foster parents. Can you just take him straight back to hospital tomorrow?

DCSsunhill Wed 28-Sep-11 21:20:38

Allow him to go to foster care.

You need a safe space for your other DC but also need to follow through with your initial feelings of not wanting him in the home.

Your DS also needs to understand why he can't go home, although his AS might dampen the message.

I can empathise with you. I have an eight year old DS with AS and he is extremely violent. Let us know how it goes.

DCSsunhill Wed 28-Sep-11 21:22:44

Don't worry about his education. He will be cared for by his FCarers and they will deal with that.

Use the week to strategise. Do you have a CAMHS worker who can help in getting you ready for his return?

LottieJenkins Wed 28-Sep-11 21:24:29

Sending you hugs. My ds can be aggressive with me so i know a little of what you are going through. I would second the going into FC so you can concentrate on your other children. I would also contact your GP.

LottieJenkins Wed 28-Sep-11 21:25:08

Meant to say my ds has Aspergers Syndrome.......................

EnviousEvie Wed 28-Sep-11 21:28:24

FFS poor kid. Why dump him in foster care to make him feel worse if he is already self -harming? Take some time off work and deal with this. You need to insist on more help from his mental health team urgently by taking him down there in the AM as soon as he is out of hospital and not leaving until they have a plan in place to help him. Stop letting him roam in and out and make sure he takes his meds by standing over him while he does it. You need to tackle this head on.

Sorry but an honest opinion.

What will you do after the week if he goes into foster care?

wannabestressfree Wed 28-Sep-11 21:30:06

I phoned CAHMS after I had spoken to social services and his key worker is calling me in the morning. Her boss said they may have asked for advice but that social services may not always listen. I don't object to him being here if he medicates but he refuses here. He puts it in his mouth then spits it out.

I honestly think in view of the fact he is now being refused to his school he needs extra help. The house officer who spoke to me said in her view he needed in patient treatment due to vocialising that he wanted to kill other children , he also doesn't want to come home and yet the nurse who went out to see him 48 hours after vetoed that. He was medicated then though.........

I sent his books into hospital with him, where he has talked a lot about harming others and himself and he sprays his room and the bthroom with blood although I have removed any sharps. Its so desperate...

LottieJenkins Wed 28-Sep-11 21:31:14

EE........... Have you any experience of children with autism...........??.Its all very well saying everything you have, it is however not easy to put into practise with autistic children. The OP is feeling anxious and worried for her other children and has to make some difficult decisions.

wannabestressfree Wed 28-Sep-11 21:33:36

I am not 'dumping' him and I don't let him roam in and out. He wlks in and out when I am asleep. I can't stay awake all night with him. I have other children. Children I can't leave alone with him. I think thats pretty harsh. We have a psychatric nurse here once a week and he picks up filthy glass and cuts himself whenever he can. I am not abdicating responsibility just at my wits end............

slartybartfast Wed 28-Sep-11 21:36:28

can he get the in patient treatment he needs?

can you ask camhs to admit him again?

wordfactory Wed 28-Sep-11 21:36:50

wannabe it sound slike he needs to be in a specialist placement and not in the family home.

Is that what you think?

LottieJenkins Wed 28-Sep-11 21:37:03

OP........... I am cross on your behalf that people comment about "dumping". My ds was in a psychiatric unit for an assessment two years ago. I found it very hard too. Sending you big hugs xx

DCSsunhill Wed 28-Sep-11 21:37:54

Ignore Evies post. She obviously has no experience of AS nor the sheer tiredness of protecting yourself and other DC from a sibling. I spend my day having o keep my two apart.

Gosh, you poor thing. you need someone to call a support meeting. He surely xn't return home until his mental health is stable. Have you considered contacting child protection, over your concern for other DC's welfare?

They may be of real help to you.

wannabestressfree Wed 28-Sep-11 21:39:07

They are saying he doesn't need it now he is medicating. My concern is he will be true to form and stop again when home. He has also said he doesn't want to come home so if returned will be a ball of rage. And my little ones are petrified of him........

slartybartfast Wed 28-Sep-11 21:39:15

if they are offering foster care for a week, take it.

cory Wed 28-Sep-11 21:40:32

I think most of us do understand your dilemma, wannabe. Of course you cannot physically prevent him from doing something he is set on doing- he is 14 and presumably a big boy. Have a 14yo myself and and am very aware that if it ever came to a physical showdown I couldn't win that fight.

It really sounds as if this situation is beyond you, you cannot help him, and you need him looked after by others for his sake as much as for the sake of your other children. Even foster carers might prove a short term advantage because he might just take his medicine for a pair of strangers though he won't for you.

wordfactory Wed 28-Sep-11 21:40:48

Are 'they' social services of the health team?

wannabestressfree Wed 28-Sep-11 21:44:44

My other dc's school referred us over a year ago to ss due to concerns over the other two childrens welfare. They asked me if I minded and I said no. SS came once then shut the file. They also came again after the last serious suicide attempt and once again shut the file.

I reiterate I am not abdicating responsibility, I just can't cope and want some normality for the smaller ones. We all love him it makes me so sad. I have asked for respite/ more practical help and he has been to three secondary schools and two units. I honestly feel residential is the only option left.........

BahHumPug Wed 28-Sep-11 21:46:01

Take the foster care. If you need to, think of it as respite. You deserve a break, your other children deserve a break and your son possibly could benefit from time away from home-based behavioural triggers.

If his understanding is good enough (sorry, don't know how to judge his responses etc, very sorry if this is off the mark) then perhaps he will grasp that he needs to be in control of his condition by taking his medication in order to be included in a functional family life. This might sound cruel but the time away might shock him into a bit more compliance if he realises he can't get away with his current behaviour.

Sending you a lot of luck and hugs.

wannabestressfree Wed 28-Sep-11 21:46:20

Sorry by 'they' I mean the alot team which is outreach from the mental hospital he had his last stay in. They also come to the house once a week

wannabestressfree Wed 28-Sep-11 21:48:32

He is high functioning autistic and can be incredibly manipulative. This was noted at his last hospital stay. He came home from his last hospital for the weekend and smuggled razor blades back in there.... they sent him home for a punishment......

slartybartfast Wed 28-Sep-11 21:48:44

there are residential schools, so it does sound like he should be in one.
talk to camhs and social services.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now