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My friend has flipped, and I need help!(18 Posts)
This is quite long so apologies in advance for what is to come.
we have been friends for around 5 years. I phone her most days as she lives about an hour away and chat for around an hour or so about everything really. She has a husband and 3 children, her husband is my dp's best friend and they have been friends since school. She has been a SAHM since her first child was born 12 years ago and her husband works full time. I know no one has the perfect relationship however her husband treats her like a princess and is great with the kids, hard worker and loves her to death.
Around three years ago she lost quite a bit of weight and as a consequence had a bit of a confidence boost(which we all thought was great as she was quite insecure before) Her husband was always telling her how gorgeous she was at any size.
Anyway! around a month ago she called me to confess she has struck up a conversation with a mutual friend and it had turned inappropriate. She ended up calling him and they were going to meet up. she has said to me before that she went through phases of no fancying her husband any more however it was never anything serious and we speak honestly with each other so I really dont think it was a major issue until she met this guy.
I told her it wasnt a good idea and that she shouldnt meet him as she might end up doing something that she'd regret. Also once you start down the path of an affair then it'd probably affect her marriage. I begged her to leave it at a phone call but she didn't listen.
She has now had a full blown affair and has decided she wants to leave her husband. She was also going to see the OM with her husband knowing about it leaving him an insecure nervous wreck. Her husband has been on the phone to me trying to understand her behaviour. I can't go into too much detail on here as it might give away who she is but the way she has treated him is despicable.
He is now left a shell of his former self as she has been nothing but nasty and cruel to him, she has left the kids with him for days at a time to be with this other man and now she has told him that she is going to take him for every penny he has.
I'm struggling to be her friend. I have not given my opinion on her life however i'm struggling with her behavior. She's acting like a selfish brat and is not thinking about her children or how to behave like a decent human being to the man who has loved and provided for her for 20 years. She is just giving it all up on a whim and the promise of a quick shag.
I think she has gone temporarily insane but my question is..how can I remain friends with such a person or is it none of my business what she does with her marriage and personal life. When she goes on about how great her new life is going to be I could scream with anger at the bloody mess she's left behind. I'm so confused!!PLEASE HELP!!
I thnk your priority is the husband and children
I dint think if I was in your position I could maintain a friendship with someone who has caused so much heartache
There is the chance it will all go wrong with the new bloke
Am not sure what to say except she sounds very self destructive
Why would you want to remain friends with her?
I dont think I do want to remain friends with her to be honest.I just feel everything she has done goes against everything I believe in. There is just a bit of me that thinks "some best friend I am when I desert her because she's done something I don't like"
I think I might have to tell her how I feel.. her behaviour disgusts me.
I think this would be a friendship deal breaker for me TBH
I think there's a lot going on in her life and stuff you don't know about. It's hard to not have opinions and feel judgey about this because you can see so much harm and destruction because of her "selfish" attitude.
I think you should calmly say to her that you don't really understand and you are struggling with it all. But don't close doors on her yet. Step aside if you don't want to be involved so much. I think I would need some space from this. You cannot do or say anything really to her - it seems she is doing exactly what she likes.
And that's easy for me to say cos' I don't know the full story... Lots of luck, you must feel bewildered.
I find it so hard to be able to say what I mean here.
No one, no one, knows what goes on in a relationship.
It may appear to an outsider that this husband is 'perfect', and he may well be, but, obviously, he is not 'perfect' for your friend!
I can only speak from my own point of view, but my OH, appears to be so wonderful And I am sat here at my wits end trying to find a way to end a relationship that is abusive, manipulative, cruel, in fact, no 'relationship' at all.
But from the outside, people would think I was the 'bad' one.
Please dont judge harshly.
Circumstances and events build up until something has to give. And when it does, you cant expect anyone to act in a rational way.
FWIW in my previous relationship we had what appeared to be a 'perfect' marriage and I treated dw 'like a princess' SHe then had several affairs finally splitting when she went off with her sisters fiance/my freind. I later learnt that the reason we split was entirely my fault because i was too nice too her and gave her too much freedom!
Like WINE says you can never tell what goes on behind closed doors and most of us are good at 'putting on a front' but at the end of the day what she has done is not acceptable and I would have serious doubts about continuing the freindship.
Keep us posted.
The thing is, though, that the OP's friend has talked to her so much - do you really think she would tell her she was having an affair, but not say "And you think my husband is so great, but he's a manipulative bastard"?
Im sorry that's happening to you wine I really am and like malinky says there is always a way out.
I can't really go into too much detail however there have been telltale signs before all this and I'm really not being judgemental of my friend. Since she has lost weight she has said things like" he knows he's lucky to get someone like me" and is very high maintenance. She's really quite materialistic and always has been. It didn't really seem that bad before however in recent months she has been pushing for her husband to get a better job, has been compulsive spending on credit cards etc. They had their house on the market and wanted to move to "posher area" the house didn't sell due to current climate and she has now left him and rented a house in the "posher area".
He has given her lots of freedom and she kind of used to abuse this. She'd say off the cuff remarks as a joke like "if he knew how much attention I got when I'm out he'd never let me go out"
She married quite young and i think she feels like she's missing something.
She's going to be significantly better off without him and yet she's wanting to take every last spare penny off of him.
I understand that no one knows what goes on in a relationship but she has had such a blase attitude to the fact she was having an affair and getting me to cover for her.
ARGH!!! my head is pickled with this whole thing!!!
kunahero I think you have a point. I know I have had relationships where I have had guys who have been just 'too' nice! I was not ready for them at that time. Looking back I am glad I recognised that for their sakes! See how difficult and destructive relationships can be? God it is a minefield!
OP This is a difficult one for you, but I suspect that this has been building for your friend for some long time and like (sorry lol) some horrible boil, it has erutped and the eruption is gross ! It sounds like a bit of a mid life crisis for her. I think for yourself, maybe you could withdraw a little. She sounds as if she is on a 'high' but that wont last forever. If she is a friend, then you might like to, or choose to, be around to pick up the pieces.
Well, these too-nice men are being picked up quickly by women who have divorced men who weren't very nice.
OP, did she get custody of the children?
I would never cover a friend because of an affair. No matter how good of a friend is, she's no friend of mine if she knows how strongly I feel about infidelity, and asks me to aid her.
Think about this -- you might be putting your marriage on the line if you help her because your husband might question your own values.
Let her mess up her own life. Let them fight it out in court.
Sometimes men who marry young, insecure women are thoroughly inadequate themselves, even though they come across as 'nice'. They pick women they consider 'less' than them because it makes them feel good about themselves. As the young, insecure women grow up and for some reason or other gain confidence, the man starts to resent this and sometimes the woman starts to resent the years she's spent being patronised and ignored.
If she's been with her current H for a long time then she's not 'just' a selfish materialistic bitch. There's stuff going on that you don't know about and which isn't any of your business.
Detach. Don't judge your friend or her STBXH. Focus on your own life. If necessary, tell her that you
are a monogamy -worshipper-- don't approve of extra-marital affairs and don't want to hear the details of hers, but if you really are good friends, let her know that you are still her friend.
If you were such good friends with her, I think you'd have known if there were dissatisfactions in her marriage. But I bet she's inventing some now, after the fact! It really doesn't matter though. She's chosen to have an affair and leave her husband after only a month of being in a relationship with this other bloke. It therefore is unlikely to last, but that's her look-out.
It's a notoriously difficult to stay on the fence in a situation like this and the reality often is that whatever you do, one of them will think you're taking sides.
I think all you can do is to tell her that leaving the marriage is her choice, but that it will help the children and the subsequent divorce if she treats her exH with respect and a measure of kindness. What ever her grievances are, the way she chose to end her marriage has left her husband in shock and pain and there is no need to make that pain worse. If she cannot do that - and is vilifying him to assuage her guilt, then I think you'll see her in a new light and decide that the friendship's not worth keeping.
As she's in the midst of the insanity of a new love affair, it's unlikely she's thinking very practically. She might not have bargained for her exh going for shared parenting arrangements, or depending on how old their kids are, that one or all of them will elect to live with him, not her. He needs some good legal advice, quickly.
Thank you windsortides. That is sage advice.. I think thats the best way to go forward with this. It is totally true that she seems to be inventing things after the fact.
My objection is not that she decided that their marriage is over- that is none of my business. Its the way that she has gone about things to end the marriage. They have been together since they were in their late teens(both the same age so there has been no exploitation of a young girl solidgold)
I think I shall speak to her and see whats going on, haven't spoken to her for a day or so and see how the land lies.
I do believe that if you marry someone and have kids with them then you have an obligation to treat them with respect,this had not happened here.
I shall see what she says to this and if she continues to behave like this then I don't know how I can be friends with her anymore.
Thank you for all your advice!!
I really appreciate it!
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