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Mother in law problems

(8 Posts)
Ticklemonster2 Wed 28-Sep-11 12:08:49

my mother in law is a very controlling and selfish woman who, since I had my son a year ago has been quite viscous and unreasonable. When my son was born she tried to come between my dh and me. She also tried to hamper the bonding process with my son by insisting on coming over every day day, flustering me and denting my confidence as a new mum. When tackled about this and asked to give me space she became aggressive and assaulted me. In the weeks following she demanded my dh take my son to see her without me (my son was 3 weeks old), causing me great distress.
Following the assault I informed the authorities and got support. I also put a stop to my son being taken from me.
I distanced myself from them, my dh and I rowed a lot as he is very loyal to them. However, he has been supportive since her petty and unreasonable behaviour has continued.
In the year since then we have had to draw boundaries with both her and his sister. If I had my way I would never see them again.
We see mil about every month and that is enough for me. After what she did to me I feel nothing for the woman.
If mil had her way she would be the third parent in our family and we would live in a house without Walls. The problem is I am starting to see signs of bitching again. Luckily for her she has been invited into our home, which is more than she could expect after what she did. I have bent over backwards to heal the rift, but she keeps on being vindictive.
I have noticed that she treats our son less favourably than her other grandchild ie spends much less on him. Don't get me wrong i dont need her to buy my son things. However, I was brought up to believe that children should be treated the same - no favourites.
Also, when we let her babysit last month she declared with glee and spite that he 'did not miss me' (he was only with her half an hour) when we returned home.
Anyone have any advice as I am all out on this situation. I am at the point of not asking her to babysit again (only let her for my husbands sake and very rarely). I feel this latest little bitchy comment is one too far when I could have had her excluded from my sons life a year ago because of her violence. Is she being totally ungrateful? What would you do?

forgetmenots Wed 28-Sep-11 12:25:44

I feel ridiculous dishing out advice on this - only yesterday I was asking for MIL help! But she has physically assaulted you.

No way would I have anything to do with her, I'm already out of my in laws' lives and thanks to MN clarification they will not be part of my children's lives. DH is his own man and has his own decisions to make. I have a horrendous MIL and SIL combo too and I know how damaging it can be - great that DH is being supportive. You, him and your child are what matters here, and you cannot leave your child with her. (I will be taking my own advice too!)

buzzskillington Wed 28-Sep-11 12:50:39

Don't give her these opportunities, stop bending over backwards. I wouldn't have her babysit at all as that makes her think she's doing you favours and gets her power. Cos she sounds the type to see it that way.

When you do see her, keep it short & civil, and don't put up with any crap. You'd be well within your rights never to see her again.

Ticklemonster2 Wed 28-Sep-11 15:16:04

Thanks for the advice. Believe me she gets very little time with my son. She has baby sat 4 times in over a year and I am now looking at other paid sitter options. It may seem very mean, but I have made sure that over the past year she has not been able to develop a bond with my son as she lost the right to that the night she attacked me.
I have actually sat this women down and told her that one false move and she is out of our lives for good. However, I don't think she sees the wrong in what she has done. she seems to lack a conscience and has never apologised for how she has treated me.
I plan to have another baby in the next year or so and want to be left to bond with it in peace.
When I see her it's only for about an hour. At the moment she lives away, but is planning to move down here. I have told my husband I don't want them in our lives anymore than they are now and if they don't like that don't bother moving here.
I feel for you forgetmenot as the mil and sil combo is nasty. I put it down to them be very insecure x

AMumInScotland Wed 28-Sep-11 15:23:26

Personally, I wouldn't leave a small child alone with anyone who had a history of assault and aggression. I don't mean to be judgy, you are obviously trying to allow your DS to have a relationship with her for your DHs sake, but why do you let her be alone with him? Surely your DH could take him to visit, and stay there to supervise, if she is a vindictive and aggressive person?

PopcornMouse Wed 28-Sep-11 15:28:34

Omg. I agree with amuminscotland - do you really want an abusive woman around your child? shock

Ticklemonster2 Wed 28-Sep-11 16:36:05

She never sees my son without me there, period. She tried coming between me and my son by demanding my dh visit her with him alone from when my son was tiny. That stopped a year ago and will not occur again. She has been alone with my ds on 4 occasions for half an hour each time. On two of these occasions he was asleep the entire time.
As I have said this is not something that I am happy with. I would rather she had no contact with my ds. But it is a compromise with my dh. Now that my son is getting older I am in a position to reasonably ask others to sit for me and am actively compiling a list.
Believe me she would not hurt my ds but she wouldn't think twice about breaking up his home. If I had doubts then she would not see him unsupervised. I must point out that she and my sil are on my sons nursery file as 'people not permitted to pick up'.
Please don't think I am a bad mum. I am very protective of my son and if anyone hurt him, well.............

AMumInScotland Wed 28-Sep-11 16:59:03

I have to say I'm confused about what you allow and what you don't, as I don't follow your logic.

I think whatever you decide to do, you need to start acting on it quite soon - your son will soon be able to understand when she makes unpleasant comments, and that will give her a new way to try to break up your family, if that's what she wants.

And as he gets older it will be far more difficult to limit their contact, as he will have expectations of going to her house on his own, and it will be more difficult for you to start saying it's not going to happen.

If this was me, I would only allow her to see him with me and DH there, and I would not allow/expect any babysitting. And if she couldn't behave politely during visits, they would stop.

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