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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is dh selfish?

38 replies

tesco84 · 27/09/2011 22:55

At a party I was dancing when cake came round. After party I commented that I missed out on cake. Dh replies I had some.
Should he have got some for me or m I being over sensitive.
another occassion he went to a birthday meal with one of our dc. I stayed home lokking after dc with chicken pox. He brought home 1 piece of cake for dc. Not enough for me apparently.
Also lost count of number of valentines days/mothers day where I have felt overlooked. One particularly grated when he went our to football on Saturday and came home with a top for himself but I received nothing on Mothers Day. Not only that I was the one getting up early with sick dc even though I was poorly myself.

OP posts:

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TequillaMockingBird · 27/09/2011 23:14

Cake story is you being ridiculous and boring.

Mothers day gets a blip on my radar. Talk to him about it.

tadpoles · 27/09/2011 23:17

you can't have your cake an it eat - apparently!

HairyGrotter · 27/09/2011 23:17

I love cake

babyocho · 27/09/2011 23:18

what did he say when you told him you were upset about it?

iklboo · 27/09/2011 23:23

DH will eat the last slice of bread/drink the last of the milk without thinking about DS if he is hungry or thirsty. He is a great dad, but when it comes to food it's like he doesn't register DS. I've lost count of the times when we've come home from shopping & DH will get himself something to eat while leaving me to unpack - and without getting DS any lunch.

tesco84 · 27/09/2011 23:28

Apparently it was my fault because I was dancing. Than went on to describe cake. He wasn't actually that keen on it but from the way he described it I would have loved it.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 27/09/2011 23:29

I think this is a communication difficulty. He clearly is not going to read your mind and may be insensitive to your emotions but I don't think it's selfish behaviour. A little thoughtless maybe.

I always put in a list for Mothers Day and Birthday. I would like, a lie in followed by a cup of tea in bed with the paper, lunch cooked for me, etc. That way there's no confusion or resentment and I have a fab day .

Btw why did you do this - Not only that I was the one getting up early with sick dc even though I was poorly myself.

I would have told him. No, I'm resting, you deal with it.

YusMilady · 27/09/2011 23:32

Dancing is better than cake, OP. Less fattening. Perhaps your DH has your welfare at heart.

tesco84 · 27/09/2011 23:33

Maybe

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 27/09/2011 23:39

Does your H behave in ways that suggests he thinks it's up to him to control what you eat? Does he think you should be thinner/eat less? Only you mention that he deprived you of cake on two separate occasions.
As to the Mothers' Day/Valentines stuff, does he think these are overly commericalised occasions that he objects to on ethical grounds, and does he know that they actually matter to you? Some people make a really big deal about birthdays/special occasionas and others really CBA but if you live with someone in the opposite camp you need to agree to compromise.

Jux · 28/09/2011 00:32

Cake complaints understandable but petty.

Mothers Day - don't think it figures on dh's radar (I'm lucky if he remembers my birthday!). Sort it yourself. Tell him what you're going to be doing, buy yourself a present and tell him it's from him. Tell him what you expect him to do so that you can do the things you'll be doing.

What happens on Father's Day? I only started doing the above on Mother's Day because dh expected full-on Daddy-is-the-most-wonderful-person-on-the-planet thing, so I thought I'd better have some sort of equivalent

mynewpassion · 28/09/2011 01:55

You snooze you lose on the cake.

If he's not thinking about saving you some cake, you are expecting him to remember Valentine's Day, your birthday, and Mother's Day? Yeah, right.

Remind me. Give him BIG hints weeks, days ahead so that he remembers. Get kids to remind him too.

ImTheCowGodMoooo · 28/09/2011 16:09

SGB, seriously? "Deprived" her? He didn't bloody tackle her as she was lunging for the victoria sponge, he just didn't proactively hand her a slice. FGS I am as against controlling behaviour as much as anyone else but it doesn't do much good to make a bogeyman out of every shadow.

Marne · 28/09/2011 16:10

He sounds like a 'normal' man to me and most of them are selfish (or they just don't think).

jasper · 28/09/2011 16:15

he might be, but not from these examples

SpanishPaella · 28/09/2011 16:32

mmmm cake

CupOfBrownJoy · 28/09/2011 19:58

cake?? wtf??

You are being ridiculous and high maintenance. Is this seriously the worst thing you have to put up with from your DH?

If so, do you fancy sending him round here? He sounds like a saint...

CupOfBrownJoy · 28/09/2011 20:00

He sounds like a 'normal' man to me and most of them are selfish (or they just don't think).

Marne if that's your honest opinion I feel sorry for you

PenguinsAreThePoint · 28/09/2011 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ToffeePenny · 28/09/2011 20:52

Cake #1 - you were there, he'd have had to stand around looking like a lemon holding cake in case you fancied a bit when you'd finished dancing - no way.
Cake #2 - perhaps he brought the 'patient' his piece and maybe taking 2 pieces would have left some people who attended the party without any which would have been bad form.

One of the great things about being a grown-up is that you can buy your own cake and scoff the lot whenever you feel like it

But then this isn't about cake, it's about feeling overlooked while you're looking after everything else.

Some people have partners who think of presenting them with little gifts, romantic notes, and treats on the spur of the moment. Some don't.

It hurts if they go from being the former to the latter but another good thing about being a grown-up is that you have the ability to express to them that it bothers you.

Talk to him, let him know how you're feeling (but don't use the cake example when you do).

Ephiny · 28/09/2011 20:56

Cake thing sounds like a non-issue to me.

As for mother's day - it depends. Maybe it never occurred to him that he was supposed to do anything for you, you're not his mother after all. I certainly didn't realise it was expected for partners these days, that must be quite a recent development!

solidgoldbrass · 28/09/2011 23:34

I'm not, actually, automatically convinced that the OP's H is a diet fascist or anything. It's just that she mentioned cake twice, so I was asking if there were ishoos around it. What I thought was slightly off was the H apparently describing the cake in loving detail to the OP while claiming that he hadn't enjoyed it and there was none for her, which is a little bit strange.

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tesco84 · 29/09/2011 07:48

Maybe not the best examples. Just 1st things which sprang to mind. I am sure there are lots of other example.

He does similar things when he gets a bonus at work. Goes out and spends maybe £100 on a treat for himself and a smaller amount on dc. Now I do not object to him spending his bonus on himself. He works hard and earns it. However, it would be nice to get a token gesture gift to indicate that I matter.

He always has enough money to buy his football season ticket each year, and pay for his train ticket, pints, programmes etc. Yet we can't afford to buy extra car seats to avoid me being without car due to us forgetting to swap seats ft

OP posts:

tesco84 · 29/09/2011 07:48

Sorry for spaces in post. Laptop playing up.

OP posts:

DizzyKipper · 29/09/2011 08:02

He does sound a little bit selfish. If I got a bonus from work I wouldn't dream of spending it only on myself, neither would OH. If anything it would either go all towards the kids (when we have some) or would go on something we could both enjoy. Similarly we never really get a slice of cake without getting one without the other - if there's only 1 slice then we tend to share, or knowing my love of cake OH often will insist I have it. Does sound like he's thinking more often of himself.

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