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When does it get better ?

(16 Posts)
steelchic Tue 27-Sep-11 19:16:22

Hi I've posted before asking for advice on various things all connected to my H leaving me in Feb.
Brief history, My H went on a business trip in Feb to cut a long story short when he was away I found out he had rented a house and had planned to leave me and our 3 DC's. So he did not come home from the trip, he moved into his house.
Turns out he had an OW (although this was denied at 1st). We went to coucilling (waste of time as he would not give up OW till he was sure we could work thing out !!)
For 6 months I tried my best to get him back, we had family days out, meals together and I felt things would work out and he would come back. Then a couple of months ago I found out he had now bought a house with his GF and she is pregnant.
I feel such a pathetic fool and I feel unterly betrayed by him.
I have good days and bad days, but lately there seems to be more bad days. It is coming up for our tenth wedding anniversary and I'm starting to think about what Christmas is going to be like this year. (although last years was rubbish because he obviously didn't want to be here ).
I think I'm coming out of the shock and what he has done is now sinking in.
I certainly don't want him back, he is a spineless coward and he is a compulsive lier. But the hurt won't go away.
I have 3 wonderful DC's who I live for but all I seem to do now is work and look after my DC's.
I didn't want my life to be like this I was happy. I know we had our ups and downs but I honestly thought we would grow old together. How can someone change from being a loving husband and dad change into a lier and a cheat ( who actualy blames me for not making him happy)
H wants us to be friends but after this final bombshell I'm finding it very difficult. He can't seem to understand that I'm devestated.
He won't be honest with me, he won't tell me how long it was going on with the OW before he left. He won't even tell me where he is living although I know it's in the same town and only a couple of miles away from the family home ( the younger 2 DC's haven't been to his house as he hasn't even told them about his GF never mind about her being pregnant) he expected me to lie to the kids and let him take them to his house and he would hide any trace of GF !!.
I just feel betrayed, humiliated and very very sad.
When will it get better

Wisedupwoman Tue 27-Sep-11 19:41:21

The short answer I'm afraid is - not yet. But it will. I am so sorry this has happened after all the effort you have put in to trying to make it work.

But only one of you was doing that, and now the truth is out (at least enough of it is for you to know where things stand) you don't have to do twice the work any more.

I can only say this:

Do not lie for him or protect him from the consquences of his actions. Make sure that you know what he tells the children so you are ready to answer their questions honestly and kindly. If they are very young and you don't want them meeting OW yet, put your foot down and enforce some boundaries on the thoughtless twat.

Cut as much contact with him as possible except the bare minimum for the divorce (I am assuming you will divorce him now) and the arrangements for the DC's. Don't ask him to tell you the truth hon, because he won't do that. He'll be trying to protect himself now and you can't rely on him any longer, I'm sorry.

Get legal advice and do what you need to to ensure you are financially able to cope. The sooner you do that the better you'll feel, I promise. Check your bank accounts, especially any joint accounts and if necessary freeze them so he can't use joint money to support OW. Get credit cards in your name if you don't already have them - you may need a credit score in your own right at some point in the future.

Be nice to yourself by coming here and in RL (you'll have heard all this already but I want to remind you how important it will be in the coming months, yes months, that you talk as much as you need to).

Let yourself feel every emotion that comes and don't fight them. When you have energy use it to do what you need to. When you can't move, rest. And above all else - don't waste your time thinking about a waster. It gives him far too much power that he actually doesn't have.

Hope this helps steelchic. Thinking of you.

steelchic Tue 27-Sep-11 20:44:50

Thanks Wisedup,
I have been to a lawyer I want him to transfer the house into my name as I need to protect my DC's interests (although he is not going to do this without a fight). I'm trying to keep contact with him to a minimum. I used to let him spend time in my house with the kids, watching dvd's etc as he couldn't take them to his. But since I found out about the pregnancy (he didn't tell me by the way I guessed and he eventually admitted it), I no longer let him do this, he just comes in to pick up/drop off. He is not happy about this and to be honest it makes life harder for me as I don't get a couple of hours "off" now, but for now I just need to stick to my guns. Also I've changed our bank account into my name only now

Thanks for your kind words xx

kunahero Tue 27-Sep-11 21:00:15

It took me 18 months + to get close to reovering from exdp having affair with a good friend of mine.
Everyone is different and we all recover at different rates. The improtant thing is to stay calm and strong for the sake of you dc, they should be the focus of your life for now and soon the clouds will lift and trust me happiness will find you just when you least expect it. It did with me and when in my darkest hour waiting to jump in front of train I never thought I would be as lucky and happy as I am now.
Good luck you can and will do it.

steelchic Tue 27-Sep-11 21:14:21

Thank you Kunahero, I do count my blessings as I have 3 wonderful DC's I know I'm lucky in that respect. I'm glad you came through it and are happy. xx

steelchic Fri 14-Oct-11 23:33:20

Hi update, told DC's tonight that their dad has a GF and the are having a baby. As expected 12 year old is devastated, she says she no longer wants to see her dad. I know she will come around and she will be ok. I'm amazed at the questions she asked him she was so mature she asked things like how long has this been going on, does she know about us, do you love her and her baby more than us, why do you teel us telling lies is wrong and you have told the biggest lier. Then the child came out asking who is the prettiest mum or her? who do you love more mum or her? (all very embarrasing as the answers where obvious) Our 7 yrs old DS was very confused and he worries me as he loves his dad and well he was upset but all I can say is he's too young to understand.
I'm pissed of as he started the conversation
"well you know mum and dad have been seperated for a while, well I've met someone else, and you are going to have a little brother or sister" WTF.
I told him to correct his story, he hadn't just met her etc,etc.
I'm also pissed off turns out he lives about 1.1/2 miles away in a lovely 250K house that they have bougth together.
Also he is insisting that he only met her last Oct . That means in a year, he has met her, rented a house, bought a house and they are having a baby.
Also I'm pissed off with his family, turns out they've all met her. At the time when I thought we were trying to mend our marriage. I know they are all in an awkward position but they have all denied meeting her. I aked his parents to be truthfull with me and they lied to my face saying they knew nothing. I feel so humiliated. I've been taken as a fool by this spineless cowardly excuse of a man.
I just feel that he thinks I'm a inconveinience that he has to go through to see his kids. I don't deserve the way he is treating me all I did was love and support him during our marriage. I put my career on hold to support him in his and when he got to the top, he does this, now I'm left at 48 a single mum.
Sorry just had to unload this

TiredOfGoingRoundInCircles Fri 14-Oct-11 23:54:40

o steelchic sad
That's horrendous - I don't know what to say, apart from the fact that I've learnt from all the things I've read on here, it will get better and you won't hurt so much but there's no fast forward. Hope you feel a bit better having unloaded that. And it goes without saying that you are obviously better off without him

steelchic Fri 14-Oct-11 23:59:31

Thanks Tired, I know I'm better off without him but It's so hard. I know marriages breakdown every day. If he had told me at the start that he had someone else, it would have been hard but by now we could have ajusted and moved on. But, the lies lies and more lies !!! I know its cos he is a coward but I feel humilliated.

100emotionsin1day Sat 15-Oct-11 00:05:45

Evening steelchic - I'm so sorry to hear you're going through yet more crap with your ex. It's not much consolation I know, but at least now your DC know (some of) the truth, you can all start rebuilding your lives, it's another milestone out of the way if you see what I mean. Your 12-year-old sounds amazing and very perceptive, I bet your ex was burning with shame, whether he showed it or not!

So much about these situations is shitty and I'm not surprised you feel pissed off with his family, but if they've got even an ounce of integrity I imagine they're pretty annoyed at him too for putting them in such an awkward situation. And I totally empathise at how galling it is to have supported him through everything and raised his kids, only for this to happen.

When I found out about my H's affair, one of the things I was furious about was the fact that I felt we were just about to start a brand new phase of our life together as a family. He was doing really well in his career, we'd just moved into a new house, our youngest was just about to start school full-time, I was planning to go back to work and was generally feeling really positive about our future. I naively thought he was too. And yet with one totally selfish act, he well and truly pissed all over that.

In some ways that's one of the things I find hardest to forgive, and I know I'm still grieving for the way I'd expected and hoped things to turn out for us. Because I worked bloody hard for it too, I deserved that future. And so did you, and I know how heartbreaking it is to feel like you've been kicked to the ground and can't imagine how you're ever going to move forward. But you can and you will. And in the meantime, unload on here as much as you want, because it really does help!

TiredOfGoingRoundInCircles Sat 15-Oct-11 00:08:01

It's bizarre that he continues to lie if he's left you. Have you asked him why he's not honest with you? (in the sort of 'what's the point in lying now, its such a childish waste of time' kind of way) Can you actually prove that he's lying? If you could supply some sort of evidence that he's lying, maybe he will start being more honest?

Having said all that, I think you're probably better off saving your energy for yourself and your DCs and having as little contact with him as possible!

Hi steelchic, brief post just to say I totally understand as am going through very similar now. The lies are the worst and as ToGR says why continue to lie, but they do. Had a mediation session today - it was tough, but in a strange way I felt better when I got home. I then find ex has "had enough of mediation" and wants to go off to the lawyer. He showed his true colours and the mediator called him on it.

I wish I could tell my DS (age 6) about the affair. At the moment Daddy is perfect and of course I know he isn't. sad

100emotionsin1day Sat 15-Oct-11 00:24:46

By the way, the timing of our situations is quite similar, but I realise I've had the dubious advantage of my H being honest about everything, which probably means I'm a bit further down the line. And do you know what? Things are OK now. Not fabulous, not perfect, but fine and I'm coping.

As you know, I recently went through my kids being introduced to the OW, and far from it being the horrendous situation I was dreading, it went well. And a completely unexpected bonus was that since then, I feel what can only be described as acceptance and I think about him far less (in fact very little at all).

I honestly didn't believe I would reach this point - and I'm always suspicious of my own feelings, I'm sure there are more bumps and knocks to come - but it's almost as if my survival instinct has got me this far and now my rational side is taking over and now I can admit to myself that OW exists, she's not going anywhere, so I should just let them get on with it and not waste any more of my precious time, strength and energy on fretting about it. And there's also a darker side of me which says that him involving the DC in the whole situation was the final straw for me - it didn't break me, but he was aware that it could have and went through with it anyway - and there's not really any coming back from that. So forget him! wink

steelchic Sat 15-Oct-11 00:37:13

100, I know how you feel, I too felt we were about to enter a new phase in our relationship. Things were looking good, my B & SIL had came into some money, paid our mortgage off ( but he thought that instead of something that could make all our families lives better, this was his ticket out as he could afford to buy a place with her) In fact on the day I found out he had rented a place I was looking at holidays for us all to go to Mexico on holiday, for out 10th anniversary (we got married there and always dreamed about going back on our 10th anniversary) - dreading Sunday. Also I worked from home since our 12 year old was born, but last year I got another job (same industry) so I felt better a bit better about myself going out to work each day and being motivated so I thought things were looking up xx

Tierd, I also don't understand the lying either, I have asked him to be honest (even if it hurts me, I'd rather know the truth) but he's imcapable. He was married before me (no DC's and I was not the OW - they split up 2 years before I met him) His ex wife told me he was a womaniser and a compulsive lier, i thought she was upset because he had met someone and was happy and she had not. obviously she knew him more than me. His family, well none of them like conflict, but I can honeslty say if one of my SIL'S asked me what was going on I'd say "You have to speak to **. Then I'd say to
if you don't tell her I will.

steelchic Sat 15-Oct-11 00:54:35

100, I remember your posts you are so strong and such a good mum. NEVER forget that. I totally admire you, you are so strong. I know its hard because deep down your heart is broken. But stay strong you are an insperation, I don't think I could be in the same room as OW. xx

Veryconfused, I know the lies are the worse, your DS is around the same are as my DS (he also thinks his dad is fab). I hope you can get through this. At the end of the day your boy will be fine, he has a mum who loves him, thats allmhe needs. Take care, keep in touch let me know how things pan out xx

steelchic Sat 15-Oct-11 01:23:50

Just remembered, one thing that made me laugh. MY DD asked him, is this baby your child. Either she just thinks its all too quick / or it'd time for Jemery Kyle xxxx

100emotionsin1day Sat 15-Oct-11 10:13:07

grin That's hilarious, your DD has obviously got far more sense than her dad! She might have hit on something there, wonder if he's asking himself the same question wink.

I find it very interesting how positive your situation was looking before this all kicked off. I did a bit of reading about the triggers of infidelity and mid-life crises a few months back, and it seems like big life changes are often involved, whether negative or positive ones. Obviously it's not usually a conscious thing, but it's almost as if the unfaithful partner says to him/herself 'well, I've got everything I need - lovely partner, kids, house, good job, no money worries - shit, what's next?'.

It's almost like they panic or chicken out, perhaps because despite everything they still don't feel 100% happy and blame that on their relationship rather than looking inside themselves. Although how the hell anyone can believe that happiness lies with hurting everyone who cares for you and making yourself look like a complete arsehole to everyone else, I'll never know!!!

As for the lies, your ex has dug himself such a deep hole and being honest with you now would mean him having to admit to himself just what a cheat and a liar he's been. I'm guessing he's deluding himself too much right now to face up to that...

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