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DH, his female friend and me feeling crap!

(59 Posts)
bloomingpainfeckoff Tue 27-Sep-11 10:03:29

So I've posted about this before, but under a different name.

I'm 33 weeks pregnant, we have one DD (15 months), and I just generally feel crappy, but DH is making it worse.

When we met DH had a female 'friend', I got suspicious when she posted inappopriate comments on his facebook, and he admitted that his friend was 'in love' with him. He also showed me the abusive emails she sent him when she found out about me.

Still not happy about this 'friend' I pursued it, and he admitted that she had seduced him a number of times.... with this knowledge I asked him to not be alone with her anymore, to not go alone to her house or vice versa (it was the beginning of our relationship so we were still building trust, but a woman who wants a man & has succeeded in getting him into bed, is not one that I wanted to contend with). He still saw her at work (DH works from home as a computer engineer, but goes into a charity one day a week - the same day as her).

We married quite soon, and then I was expecting. We heard no more from his friend... until DH went on holiday (alone) when I was 7 months pregnant. He forgot to logout of facebook, and I saw emails to & from her, nothing flirty at all from him, but she was constantly asking for his help - to get a car, to give her a lift somewhere and other things - he didn't help her though (and she'd left work).

After DD was born she started wanting help with her PC, it kept going wrong, although worked fine once here. DH had to take it back to her place. He did bring her round to meet me, and she was pleasant - but still wouldn't have me as a facebbok friend.

It's started again recently, she wants him to fix her laptop/pc/other laptop, and he goes to collect/drop-off. Once I came home from town to find her in our house, alone with him... she criticised my new hairdo & DH didn't say a word... when confronted he claimed to have not heard her.

So last week he goes into work... he's not been for ages & has changed his day... conicidentally she was there & had her daughter's laptop for him to fix hmm I don't believe that she randomly turned up, on a different day to usual, bringing her daughter's laptop, on the off-chance he'd be there!

Off he's gone just now, and I'm actually in tears. She still owes him money from fixing hers, yet he made my son pay to be fixed, so I'm bloody fuming that he's had a look at her daughter's!!!!

I'm worried that when I go into hospital to have this baby (and will probably be caesarean), that she will need something 'fixing', and will turn up at our house, or DH will take our DD to hers - and I don't want her near my baby girl without me present.

To make it worse I slept on the sofa last night, as our sex life is dire, and I want more (being selfish I guess, but without sex I don't get why we should stay together), and can hardly walk today as my back & hips are killing me.

I guess he'll speak to her today, confide in her, and I guess it'll be my fault for pushing them together, yet DH wouldn't be happy if it was the other way round.

If you read all this, thank you xx

TheGrassIsJewelled Tue 27-Sep-11 10:08:05

I would be livid and would take a 'be friends with her OR be with me' approach. Others may be less harsh...

primrose22 Tue 27-Sep-11 10:13:55

I agree with the above, he's being very inconsiderate, especially as you are bound to be feeling more hormonal/insecure about it all etc while pregnant sad I suggest you ask him how he would feel if you had a male friend that had previously 'seduced' you and how happy he would be if he was constantly contacting you and demanding your time? I'm guessing he'd be at the v.least irritated but more likely angry and hurt. Good luck bloomin, sounds like the last thing you need when pregnant x

ColdToast Tue 27-Sep-11 10:14:27

I would start by losing the notion that this woman "seduced" him. They had sex. It was consensual. No amount of persuasion would have made him have sex with her if he hadn't wanted to.

While you are buying the "seduced" line you are effectively transferring the responsibility to this woman. If she were to try again, your poor dh would be too weak to resist. Rubbish. Once you start to see that sex will only happen between them if your dh wants it to, the perceived threat of this woman will diminish rapidly.

As for the rest of your post, the key phrase is this:

"yet DH wouldn't be happy if it was the other way round".

If he is acting in a way that he wouldn't approve of if it were you, then you need to have a serious talk about what is happening.

JeremyVile Tue 27-Sep-11 10:16:45

She is an irritation but your problem is him, youdo realise that?

None of us can tell you if he's sleeping with her but he's getting something out of their continued interactions.

Whether she wants to shag him/loves him/ wants his company does not matter one tiny bit, if he wanted rid of her he'd be rid of her. Very straightforward.

Personally I wouldn't trust him an inch and if he's doing that spineless thing of saying he doesn't want to upset her....well he'd be out on his ear just for being so disgustingly spineless and putting someone else's feelings before his wife. (not that I would believe that anyway, he is seeing her because he WANTS to)

flimflammery Tue 27-Sep-11 10:17:32

You're 33 weeks pg and YOU slept on the sofa? shock

Re the 'friend' you need to lay down the rules on this. What you are OK with and what you are not OK with. Be clear and calm. Listen to his point of view. Tell him how you feel.

JeremyVile Tue 27-Sep-11 10:19:15

Yy she didn't "seduce" him. What a moron - honestly he'd be gone just for spinning me such a pathetic weasely line and expecting me to buy it.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 27-Sep-11 10:20:36

You need to confront him and tell him end all contact with her - this "friendship" is crossing so many boundaries.

Try googling SHirley Glass and Not Just Friends - I found the book very useful.

solidgoldbrass Tue 27-Sep-11 10:20:54

Look, whether or not your H wants to have sex with this woman, he is enjoying this situation which is why he is allowing it to continue. Having women compete for him is what gives him his jollies - he reckones that he can get each of you to obey and indulge him by threatening to replace you with the other one.

windsorTides Tue 27-Sep-11 10:21:54

Sorry, but you're letting him off the hook big time.

Everything you've posted about are his choices.

He chooses to let this woman into his life and accept her disrespecting you in your own home, just as he chose to sleep with her. However, it's very convenient for him to make out he's a passive observer in all this and that he's done-to, rather than the truth that he is making a choice.

Don't fall into this trap yourself and blame her more than him. I'm sure she's dangerous and an enormous threat to your relationship, but only because he's allowing her to be.

If he loved you enough, he wouldn't countenance a friend of his behaving like this towards you, but unfortunately, because you tolerated this very shabby behaviour right from the start and put most of the blame outside, it has inevitably got worse. Look at the saboteur within here.

bloomingpainfeckoff Tue 27-Sep-11 10:26:20

Yep, I guess I was stupid for believing that line, I guess he was trying to show me she wasn't a threat.

I'm most upset that she's around and she and him used to shag, whereas he doesn't seem to want to with me. Well, he'd probably say it was me avoiding it, and I have been, as I still fancy him, and it hurts to start trying to caress him, and for him to grab hold of my hand & hold it instead.

I slept on the sofa last night as he'd actually come to bed with me, then spent an hour & a half talking about how humans should have their ears on their hips, and other evolutionary upgrades he'd make, then about coffee mornings, and to be honest, I was getting more turned off by the minute.

Maybe it's my expectations that are too high, but I want more passion & more 'kinky' talk as foreplay, to be honest being talked to as a 'friend' then touching my boobs makes me feel undesirable, and a 'make-do'.

bloomingpainfeckoff Tue 27-Sep-11 10:33:24

Yes, I can see that it is him, more than her.

I have a friend in my friend's list on facebook that DH doesn't approve of. He is a young (very good-looking) young man, who pursued me relentlessly over a few years. I never slept with him, as good-looking as he is, as celibate as I was at the time (about 3 years) I still didn't have sex just for the sake of it, so I guess if he can't be seduced nor can DH.

What hurts the most is that I can't seduce DH. I really need sex/intimacy (doesn't making love release oxytocin which enhances bonding?). I've talked to him several times, but his answer is always that he loves me, that he does want sex but I may have complained about being in pain that day, or I'd been tired - it's like living with a housemate.

I posted before that I found photos of his male member on his camera, which were taken when I was in hospital having DD, and no matter how many times we row about it, he swears he took them for me.

ColdToast Tue 27-Sep-11 10:36:49

He's not treating either of you very well, is he?

If you believe his account of things then he knows full well that this woman is in love with him, yet he still encourages her by spending so much time alone with her. At best he's deliberately giving her fals hope that there could be something more between them and is stringing her along because he likes to be the target of her adoration.

Meanwhile he is upsetting his pregnant wife by spending so much time with her, in the full knowledge that he would be unhappy if your positions were reversed. He treats your son as a paying customer while giving freebies to his friend and her daughter.

I'm liking this man less and less with each post.

bloomingpainfeckoff Tue 27-Sep-11 10:37:21

Making it worse is the fact that he is almost certainly confiding in her - telling her all about 'my moods', how difficult, paranoid, moody I am.

Stormwater Tue 27-Sep-11 10:39:29

I remember your last thread and the one before (think I posted on it under a different name), where you described your relationship with this horrible man in great detail, and you were told on both threads that he is a hideous, abusive man, who is gaslighting you and trying to make you feel as though you are going mad and the relationship breaking down is your fault, when the reality is that he has sabotaged it from the beginning, never supported you, and threatened your mental health. PLEASE go back and read the replies that you got then, because you need to believe that he is not going to change. I feel so sorry for you, living like this, and hope that you have the courage to make some changes.

bloomingpainfeckoff Tue 27-Sep-11 10:40:08

He says all our problems are 'in my head'.

On the screen at my doctors, it said we have marital difficulties - this was when he left to go on holiday (alone) again, when DD was 4 months old, and I had severe postnatal anxiety.. he went mad saying how much he hates me spinnig the drs BS about us

ColdToast Tue 27-Sep-11 10:40:09

If you believe his explanation of the photos then it's yet more evidence of how full of his own self-importance this man is. You're in hospital and he thinks that a photo of his mighty penis will bring comfort to you?

windsorTides Tue 27-Sep-11 10:42:11

It doesn't matter what he swears. You don't believe him and without even seeing another thread, neither do I.

I think he knows exactly what he's doing. He doesn't want sex with you and is trying to make you think it is you who doesn't want sex with him. That's why he recalls your minor ailments and is also why he bores for Britain in bed.

He is very manipulative.

Is he having an affair with this girl, because by the sounds of it, it's been a very longstanding one.

ColdToast Tue 27-Sep-11 10:44:40

Alarm bells ring for me whenever I hear the phrase "it's all in your head". It's a convenient way to side-step issues without having to look at what is really causing the issues.

I don't think I saw your thread but from this one alone I can see that this is a man who refuses to take responsibility for things and will always put himself first. Going on holiday was more important to him than staying to support you with a young baby when you were feeling vulnerable.


AnyFucker Tue 27-Sep-11 10:46:08

You do realise it's ultimatum time, don't you ?

I am not a fan of them as I don't like the controlling nature of them, but nothing else is working is it ?

You are relying on this ego-driven bloke's good nature to use the power he has to make you feel better about this. This is not about her. This is about him making you feel like shit and using it against you.

It speaks volumes that he continues to rub your nose in it, spouts shit like "it wasn't my fault, she seduced me" and punishes you by withdrawing intimacy

Personally, I would have dumped him before being forced into this position

But here you are

Your choice now

Put up with it, or put your foot down. You will have to be prepared to follow through on any ultimatum though because if you don't, you weaken your position further

I think I posted much the same on your previous thread(s) as did everyone else

ShoutyHamster Tue 27-Sep-11 10:48:55

He's the problem.

This is going to be hardline advice, but the situation you describe is a common one. The only real way to solve it is to crack down ABSOLUTELY.

At the moment, he's getting away with murder. He's utterly disrespecting you. You can't stop him doing that, but you CAN stop accepting it.

You need to get this sorted before the baby arrives. And you need to put the fear of God into him. Sit down and say it's time to choose. Her friendship or his family.

No ifs or buts or blustering. With a smile on your face, you simply say that you have had enough and you do not want to live with the situation you have right now. If he does not cut ties with her completely, including making sure that they do not work together, you are OUT. With the children.

It would help to have an outline plan of what you would do, and to tell him. Make him believe it is real. Where you would go, who you would have as a birth partner, how finances would be decided. As far as you're concerned, it's an emotional affair. You won't have her in your life any longer, so if he wants to be in it - she ain't in his. You'd much rather start over and see the kids with a stepfather than take this shit a moment longer. It needs deciding quickly, because you need to plan alternative birth partners - so he gets a day to decide.

He's being a prick. If you put up with it, he'll stay a prick. Maybe he is one full stop, in which case, it's better to know. Find out.

ShoutyHamster Tue 27-Sep-11 10:50:40

D'you know what, after reading your last post - scratch the above. He IS a prick. Do you want to spend the rest of your life being messed around by a prick - that's the real issue. If not, dump him.

It really has to be that simple. If you find ways to make it more complex - you'll be with him, being shat over (and probably cheated on) in twenty years' time.

cleanteeth Tue 27-Sep-11 11:01:40

Is he the one that left some sort of ball ring out while she was round? I remember your other posts, he is a knob to the highest order. He's making you think you're cray but you know deep down you're not. Just wait till you leave him and have settled down a bit, you'll feel freeeee!!

Hope your ok OP

whojimmyflip Tue 27-Sep-11 11:04:31

The bottom line is that he's not listening to you. This behaviour is absurd- you're both grown ups. Who takes photos of their penis whilst partner is in hospital!?? So fucked up, if it's true.

I agree with the other posters that you have to stop accepting this behaviour and tell him to behave and stop contact with this woman ( which itself is unhealthy and codependent). Then you have to work on your intimacy issues, as a couple. If not, it's game over isn't it?

Tcanny Tue 27-Sep-11 11:14:05

The only thing I can say here is get out now!

He is being a prize prick and there is no way he will change. Definatly an emotional affair at the least although i wonder if he is having a full on one.

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