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How do u tell if it's another petty row or emotional abuse?

(26 Posts)
OneDove Mon 26-Sep-11 23:29:56

Ok so another row with DH. This is a regular occurrence where DH and I argue and he ignores me for days/week at a time. I find it extremely frustrating and when I try to talk to him he will just rant at me. Usually about the fact I have upset him by snapping at him. Even when I apologise he continues ranting and then the character assassination follows. I am mad, abnormal and a husband beater. I threw a baby shoe at his head because I was so frustrated he wasn't listening to me. I know that's awful but I was so angry he kept putting me down. He is extremely articulate and whatever I say is not good enough. I do say sorry but he does not listen. I explained I make mistakes sometimes and I was out of order snapping at him. But blanking me is really awful. I try to say the ignoring and telling me I am such a bad person makes me really angry. He just says I am a typical husband beater by blaming him for my anger at it. I am confused....

solidgoldbrass Mon 26-Sep-11 23:35:24

Ignoring you for days is petty and childish and may well be abusive. What are your rows about? Is it a matter of him being critical of your housework? If so, how much of it does he do? I am wondering if he considers himself your owner and therefore expects you to obey and be servile.

RumourOfAHurricane Mon 26-Sep-11 23:39:23

Message withdrawn

Kayano Mon 26-Sep-11 23:41:52

Only on mums net can an OP sy she has snapped at her husband and thrown a shoe at his head, and then get told she is being emotionally abused when he gives her the silent treatment in return

eyeroll

Sounds pretty even to me

inatrance Mon 26-Sep-11 23:45:31

Yes, everything you have described is emotional abuse. Have you come across the Lundy Bancroft book 'Why does he do that - Inside the minds of angry and controlling men'? All the things you have said are in there. The mind games, the twisting things, the confusion. I promise that book will make it clearer than anything else you can read exactly what is going on, and why.

Kayano Mon 26-Sep-11 23:46:21

angry for mn double standards. I would not say that's abuse, but you will get
Told it is as this is relationships

OneDove Mon 26-Sep-11 23:46:27

Aaggh! It's usually about how I have behaved. Despite the fact if he is stressed from work he completely disengages from me and the children. But that's okay apparently as he has a difficult job . He does (GP) and I try my hardest to make his life easier. But if I have a tired day or I am not happy wife lady I am mental and as I was abused as child I feel it's too convenient a reason for my stroppiness. I can be stroppy. I hold my hands up to that. But I am acutely aware of it and will always apologise straight away. I feel I am not allowed to express myself. I tried to tell him I felt he was not engaging with the family. But he us always justified in his behaviour. It's always in reaction to my faults.

OneDove Mon 26-Sep-11 23:48:58

To be fair I threw the shoe after trying to explain why i was so upset after being ignored for two days and then being told I was abnormal and mad...it was a small shoe...

Kayano Mon 26-Sep-11 23:51:14

ARGH changing the info that was in the op angry I'm out. I'm so frustrated

RumourOfAHurricane Mon 26-Sep-11 23:55:07

Message withdrawn

inatrance Mon 26-Sep-11 23:57:16

"when I try to talk to him he will just rant at me"
"Even when I apologise he continues ranting and then the character assassination follows"
"I am mad, abnormal and a husband beater"
"he kept putting me down"
"whatever I say is not good enough"

Did you read the OP at all Kayano? These are NOT normal occurrences in a healthy relationship. Even the ignoring for days/weeks is abusive even without the other stuff. And if a man posted the above (and they have) they would be told that it out of order too. (which it is).

Ignore Kayano OP. Does any of this sound familiar?

http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/

OneDove Mon 26-Sep-11 23:57:46

Not a one off. Occurs at least every month. Sorry if info was confusing x

inatrance Mon 26-Sep-11 23:59:43

Sorry try that again

Emotional Abuse

OneDove Tue 27-Sep-11 00:00:06

Thanks inatrance. Scarily familiar. Have just ordered Lundy Bancroft book. Some clarity would be good.

OneDove Tue 27-Sep-11 00:02:42

Thanks inatrance. Scarily familiar. Have just ordered Lundy Bancroft book. Some clarity would be good.

Kayano Tue 27-Sep-11 00:13:29

I did read it but from the op I understood that the whole thing started from her snapping at him and throwing a shoe at his head. It's only in later posts she says she threw a shoe at his head later. What am I supposed to think?

Imagine the other way around and swap the sexes? 'I came in from work and my husband totally just snapped at me... I had a go saying I was mad at him for the way he treats me and he threw a shoe at my head!! I told him he was a wife beater and haven't spoken to him since'

In that case we would all be
Like 'poor op' get out
Of there now . That's how I honestly read it and I'm not going to apologise for how I read and interperated it. ESP
When more info has been provided later in the thread. Put it in the op IMO!

inatrance Tue 27-Sep-11 00:19:42

I've been where you are now OneDove, and it took me a long time to realise it was abusive. Especially when it always, always seemed to be my fault and I DID get upset, I did shout back, I did react, so then it was all about that. It's so exhausting and confusing to live like that.

Keep reading, keep posting and looking on here, check out the emotional abuse threads and also do be careful when the book arrives. Don't try to get him to see, or read it and think it would therefore change his behaviour as he already knows he is out of order, he chooses to behave this way.

Jux Tue 27-Sep-11 00:24:38

Actually Kayano, it seemed pretty clear from the op that the row happened before the baby shoe was thrown. It wasn't clear whether the baby shoe was thrown after this latest row, or had happened some time in the past. It was very clear that it was a baby shoe, which are usually pretty soft and unlikely to cause damage even if their lack of aero-dynamism allows them to actually make contact with the object at which they are thrown at all (unlikely).

OP, he sounds like a spoilt brat.

Kayano Tue 27-Sep-11 00:49:03

A shoe is a shoe IMO . If thrown in anger even worse

mynewpassion Tue 27-Sep-11 01:31:07

It is not emotional abuse, imo, from him or from you. Hopefully, the kids didn't see you throw the shoe because that's bad.

You each are equally at fault. You guys are having communication problems and it seems as if you are yelling at each other instead of talking and discussing the problem.

Set aside a time when its just the two of you, get a babysitter, and talk things out. Don't accuse but lay out the problems.

solidgoldbrass Tue 27-Sep-11 08:22:05

WHile it may not be abuse, a man who thinks he is entitled to tell his wife how to behave, a man who clearly thinks that he is the person in the house and his wife is his servant/subordinate/pet is a man who needs putting in his place.

thisishowifeel Tue 27-Sep-11 10:25:29

All and I mean ALL abusers question their victim's mental health. It's a very peculiar thing that they ALL have in common.

Weird.

7to25 Tue 27-Sep-11 10:29:47

Kyano and my new are lucky to never have experienced this. The not talking (for days, not hours) is an effective way of saying that you are not worthy of consideration, that you are a non person.
I have had 25+ years of this. At first, I would try and argue, reason and plead. The person who suggested better communication.....that is laughable. I am sure that you would love a calm civilized discussion.
Now I really just ignore it. I calmly Cary on with my life and ignore his silence. If people ask me questions that I cannot answer, then I tell them about his behavior. If people say that 7and Mr 7 are not speaking
I correct them. Do not let his behavior affect yours. I now expect absolutely nothing from my marriage.
I totally and absolutely understand your shoe throwing. Forget his accusations and live your own life by your own standards.
Two months is his record and I now just expect it. Don't try to analyze what causes these episodes. It will be something trivial that most people would get over in minutes.

Faffalina Tue 27-Sep-11 10:32:27

thisishowifeel Agree. ExH was fond of telling me I was a "nutter" or a "psycho" if I told him that his constant name-calling and jealousy were unacceptable.

Jux Tue 27-Sep-11 16:07:45

Once, during our worst time, I threw a nailbrush at the bathroom floor (the nailbrish because it was the only thing that wouldn't get damaged if I threw it, and at the floor because that was the only thing which wouldn't to be damaged by something being thrown at it).

I was desperate. DH had been yelling at me, I don't know how long for, and got me backed up against the bath with nowhere to go (except out the window, perhaps I should have taken that option). He had been treating me like shit on his shoe since I had become pg - 3, maybe 4 years before this. 3 - or 4 - years of the sort of treatment the op has been suffering. He was 'towering' over me, yelling while I begged him (in tears), beseeched him, to let me go to the loo.

I do not throw things; I was, and still am, non-violent, loathe violence of any sort. I threw the nailbrush because doing something like that was the only thing which was going to stop him yelling. I didn't consciously evaluate what I should throw/where I should throw it, but I knew if I threw that and threw it at the floor, nothing would get damaged. Believe me, I was far too scared of dh at the time, to risk breaking anything.

Sometimes throwing a baby shoe is the only thing you can do. So you do it.

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