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Should I give up?

(15 Posts)
GattoRosso Mon 26-Sep-11 22:32:16

I think my "best" friend has shut me out.

Back story: I asked her to be my maid of honour. Wedding took place shortly before her DS's 1st birthday (I will admit to an amount of naivety in relation to babies...)

Neither DH nor I wanted children at the wedding - no children in the family, solemn church service very important to us, and reception venue very small and not child friendly (although there was a room at the venue which was offered for her to use for him). My friend obviously wasn't very happy about this, but said she would see if her mum could take care of DS.

In the last few months before the wedding, things got tense. I had often made the effort to visit her after DS was born at times which suited her (even though this often meant me leaving work early/starting late), but in the run up to the wedding, we had intended to do some wedding prep things together which I was no longer able to do during the daytime on weekdays (due to work demands). She seemed to take great offence to this, and went on at some length about "not understanding what it is like to be a mother...". I tried to diffuse the situation, but it was clear she wasn't pleased. This went on up to the wedding, when she still seemed annoyed with me, although she tried to hide it.

I hoped after the wedding we could resolve this, but since then, I have messaged her several times (once a week to start with, and now at least once a month), and received one response saying she is very busy. Now, maybe she is very busy, but it felt like a fob off to me. I know she has seen another mutual friend at least once - coincidently on the one weekend I said I wasn't available.

This has made me feel very very sad and hurt, but part of me wonders if I should just give up, as she doesn't seem to care about me, so perhaps I should stop wasting my breath?

Sorry if that was a bit rambly.


wileycoyote Mon 26-Sep-11 22:35:23

I think you probably need to ask her outright if there is something you have done to upset her - have you tried raising it?

GattoRosso Mon 26-Sep-11 22:39:02

Not directly. I guess I am being quite cowardly blush

My first problem seems to be to get her to talk to me at all. She is notorious for never answering the phone.

That's what I really want - to have a least one more chance to see her face-to-face and try to address the problem sad - and say sorry if necessary!!!

stayforthekids1 Mon 26-Sep-11 22:40:08

Gatto. My friend asked me to be maid of honour at her wedding. On my daughters birthday. With no kids at the wedding. She is my oldest and most special friend and it didnt even enter my head to say no. My daughter was turning four, we just had a very special birthday weekend for her, to make up for a slightly belated birthday. If she had an issue, she should have just said no, I am sure you would have understood?

GattoRosso Mon 26-Sep-11 22:41:18

I still have a thank you present for her from the wedding - I've been debating posting it with a letter, if she won't see me.

I thought it was interesting that the one message which prompted her only response was "oh, I am going to be in your area on Friday, and I was wondering if you might be in, there are some things I have for you"....

SheCutOffTheirTails Mon 26-Sep-11 22:42:07

Hmmm, it sounds like you were a bit of a nightmare over your wedding and she can't be arsed with you anymore.

Have you raised it with her?

If she told you she was pissed off, would you be able to apologise for putting your "solemn" wedding ahead of the feelings and comfort of your guests and people who were putting themselves out to help make your day a special one (which is what someone does when they agree to be a matron of honour).

GattoRosso Mon 26-Sep-11 22:43:04

stayforthekids1 yes, I get that. In fact I almost half expected her to turn round in the last few weeks beforehand and pull out. Which I would have accepted.

I have a birthday present for her little boy too sad - four months late now!

SheCutOffTheirTails Mon 26-Sep-11 22:43:44

So you're insinuating that she's grabby?

GattoRosso Mon 26-Sep-11 22:46:35

SheCutOffTheirTails I tried very hard not to be a nightmare - yes we didn't want children there, but I did ask her many many times what I could do to make the situation easier for her in that respect, and never got an answer.

GattoRosso Mon 26-Sep-11 22:47:31

And I am not in any way insuating that she's grabby - she has no idea about these presents! I'd just like an opportunity to give them to her, whether she wants to speak to me again or not.

pictish Mon 26-Sep-11 22:47:49

I agree - I think you were rather...erm.....self centred in regards to your 'solemn' wedding.
I can't believe you suggested she keep her son in a side room at the reception. You nutter!

She's had enough of you. At the very least, I think she needs a break.
She's making it pretty clear she doesn't want to talk to you.

I'm very sorry.

GattoRosso Mon 26-Sep-11 22:50:36

Pictish I can see why you would think that, but if you had seen the room we were in, you might think differently - there was literally barely room to move between tables, let alone space for a pram.

I think you are right though, she doesn't want to talk to me, and I can understand why. I guess I should leave her alone.

ColdToast Mon 26-Sep-11 22:52:22

You do come across as wanting her to have felt grateful that you turned up at a time that inconvenienced you to plan your wedding.

It may be that after several months of everything being about you that your friend needs to take a break from things.

SheCutOffTheirTails Mon 26-Sep-11 22:56:06

Um, you picked the room.

Unless it is the only room for miles around, you chose you have your wedding in a venue that made it inconvenient for one of your most important guests.

akaemmafrost Mon 26-Sep-11 22:58:09

I think she sounds like a pretty good egg for sticking it out and getting through the wedding and that was probably her intention and she now probably wants a break from you.

However you sound quite aware on this thread if belatedly and I would send the presents with a heartfelt letter along the lines of what you have posted here. I would find it difficult not to respond to that if I were her.

Fwiw I would have told you to stick your wedding where the sun doesn't shine grin.

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