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totally alone and lost.

(175 Posts)
KeeperOfOurSecrets Mon 26-Sep-11 22:30:02

hi 1st post.

i have been married for 7 yrs, and I am really scared of the way that my life is now. I am 29 and I spend all day from 6 when my husband leaves for work, until he returns (sometimes 6ish-or 8ish) alone. I do not speak to anyone. I am not really allowed to. My husband doesn't talk to people, or make friends and is hostile borderline aggressive to neighbours. About a year ago he disconnected the land-line ( and tv but i negotiated the tv back after about 4 months as his parents were coming for Christmas). I don't know why he did this. I have a PAYG phone with only his number on it, he controls when this gets topped up. I can only text him, sometimes he doesn't reply for a long time, as he says he doesn't get my messages.

I spend all day alone, (except for the dog). I have no children (still allowed to post on Mumsnet?)

I only ever leave the house to walk the dog or go to the supermarket. I usually walk the dog alone in the day but I musn't talk to people. He has started telling me to leave the dog walking until he comes home then he can do it with me. Apart from wandering around our local area. I don't leave the house. We moved in 2006 to an area 70 miles away from where I was originally from to buy a house. I used to have lots of friends, and I have 4 brothers,2 of which I was close to ( I have seen them twice since my wedding). my husband is happy not to have friends as he hates social situations.

I suddenly feel afraid after all this time, and sometimes I even get scared to leave the house. I feel like I don't exist.

wileycoyote Mon 26-Sep-11 22:37:40

Christ, that sounds awful. When you say you are not allowed to do things, what would happen if you did them?

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Mon 26-Sep-11 22:40:46

This is not a normal and healthy relationship you're in. It's terribly abusive. Can you call your parents reverse charge when you're dog walking. Try the womens aid website too. I'm sure someone will have much better advice soon but you need to get away from him.

KeeperOfOurSecrets Mon 26-Sep-11 22:46:34

He doesn't hit me. I just feel afraid. He pressurises me and bombards me, telling me what I have done is wrong. He stops talking to me and makes me feel really bad. He will keep saying the same thing over and over, and I just don't do the "bad" thing again. It sounds so crazy. If when we first met he took away my phone i would have not allowed it, but over a period of time so many things are now Bad that it has sort of crept up on me and engulfed me.
God, I am so stupid

krispykremeaddict Mon 26-Sep-11 22:47:46

I'm sure someone more experienced will be along very shortly. In the meantime, you should contact Women's Aid.

It is possible to reverse charge from your mobile 0800 686 323 (0800 mum dad) for example so you can contact your parents.

You shouldn't be feeling afraid or scared.

Well done for posting on here - it takes courage to address these things.

krispykremeaddict Mon 26-Sep-11 22:49:38

You aren't stupid either. It's possible you have been chipped away at, and it's done so in such a subtle way, that you may not even have noticed it, until one day, you wake up and realise something is wrong.

KeeperOfOurSecrets Mon 26-Sep-11 22:52:22

i have no parents. My brothers and I were in and out of care. My mum is still alive i think, but my dad died when I was 16.

krispykremeaddict Mon 26-Sep-11 22:56:13

I'm so sorry keeperofsecrets - I think Women's Aid is your first port of call

KeeperOfOurSecrets Mon 26-Sep-11 22:56:21

He is away tonight as he has to work up north. He rang me when I was walking the dog, and he said I sounded distracted. He has already rung me back tonight and said that he is coming home earlier than planned, tomorrow and "not to worry because he will be home in time to walk the dog" I don't know why but it made me feel sick in the pit of my stomach

SirSugar Mon 26-Sep-11 22:58:54

you are not stupid, you having been living with extreme abuse.

do you have any money, cash i mean?

WhatsWrongWithYou Mon 26-Sep-11 23:00:22

Is there no one you could write to? Make contact with your brothers maybe, just to feel there's someone confirming your existence who can be on your side.

I hope a wise person comes along soon, there must be ways for you to get out of this abusive, destructive relationship. So sorry for what you're going through.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Mon 26-Sep-11 23:00:33

When you go to the supermarket do have cash, or do you have a card that you can get cashback on?

Once you've got enough cash for the trainfare, pack what clothes you need for a week or two plus the dog's bowls (if you are fond of the animal), take the dog for a walk to the nearest train station, travel to your parents or favourite brother's home, and tell them what's been going on in your marriage.

Allternatively, take what you need (passport, other identification documents, clothing, dog), go to your nearest police station, and ask to speak to the domestic violence unit who will refer you to a women's refuge where you will find all the help you need to break free from the controlling and emotionally abusive twunt that you had the misfortune to marry.

He's brainwashing you. Please don't let him continue any longer otherwise you'll turn into a robot with no mind or life of your own - and you deserve one helluva lot more than that.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Mon 26-Sep-11 23:04:02

Phone the police non-emergency number, ask for the domestic violence unit and get the hell out tonight.

Or call the Women's Aid 24hr helpline - 0808 2000 247 (this is a freephone line which may only work from a landline). Go to your nearest phone box to make the call.

Xales Mon 26-Sep-11 23:05:23

You are not living a life. You are living a jail sentence! There is nothing you can have done to deserve this.

Thank the gods you have no children to tie you to this complete and utter control freak. Pack your stuff and walk. Make arrangements as soon as you know he is going to be away for a night or two and get away.

KeeperOfOurSecrets Mon 26-Sep-11 23:09:38

I have a joint credit card, but not debit card. I can access his bank account online to pay bills and stuff. If i want cash for shopping I ask him to get it for me with his debit card. The mortgage is also in his name. In fact all the bills are in his name.

The thought of leaving terrifies me as I have literally got nothing. I would end up on the streets. When we 1st met social services were going to give me a council flat as I had priority. He made mr turn it down as he would take care of me, and the social workers didn't really care about me and he loves me more than anything.

To further complicate things he works in my home town, where my brothers also live. He would track me down straight away. I always dream about picking a city or town at random and going there so he couldn't find me.

macavitythemysterycat Mon 26-Sep-11 23:12:12

If you can get to West Yorkshire, you can stay with me.

KeeperOfOurSecrets Mon 26-Sep-11 23:12:55

the laptop is on private browsing do i need to do anything else so he can't see this?

KeeperOfOurSecrets Mon 26-Sep-11 23:14:27

Thank you everybody for talking to me

Xales Mon 26-Sep-11 23:21:30

Plan in secret if you don't think you have anything. Open a separate account and squirrel a few ££ into it every week. Call womans aid. Get to the CAB see what you can do.

Talk to your brothers. Tell them everything. Trust them to help you!

This man doesn't love you.

You are the same as the dog to him. Just a useful one that can cook, clean and shag him occasionally.

krispykremeaddict Mon 26-Sep-11 23:22:30

You will not end up on the streets - help is available. Unfortunately, you aren't the first person to be affected like this, and you won't be the last.

Keep an eye on this thread. Play your cards very close to your chest.

Thinking of you - you might feel you don't exist, but plenty of Mumsnetters will be caring about your existence when they read your post.

Xales Mon 26-Sep-11 23:23:03

Make sure you log out when you have finished here tonight

Close all the web pages then open a different one and just check in the history that nothing shows.

You are going to have to be very brave.


RumourOfAHurricane Mon 26-Sep-11 23:25:53

Message withdrawn

RumourOfAHurricane Mon 26-Sep-11 23:26:41

Message withdrawn

Bogeyface Mon 26-Sep-11 23:29:09

If you contact Women's Aid then they can find you that town that he wont find you in.

You are in an incredibly abusive relationship and I am very worried about you.

He found you, an already vulnerable woman, at a very vulnerable time when you had been turned out of the "care" system (I use "" because from what I have seen, it isnt very caring) and wanted someone to look after you. Abusive men pick vulnerable women because they know that they wont fight back.

Womens Aid will help you. They will help you get away and stay away.

So, firstly you need to get together a little bag with the essentials. The essentials are your paperwork (birth and marriage certificate (or copies), passport, driving license, bank statements etc) basically anything that proves your identity and HIDE IT, if you cant take the originals without him knowing then try and get copies. Then make sure that your personal items such as clothes, sentimental items, phone etc are within easy reach for fast packing. Then call Womens Aid. Do this in the space of a couple of safe hours that you have while he is away. Then run, Womens Aid will help you.

And if you feel that you are getting support here, bear in mind that libraries offer internet access.

As for private browsing, does he know your MN username? If he does then it might be worth registering (in private browsing) for a new hotmail/yahoo email address and reregistering on here with a new username and not refering to earlier posts.

i am thinking of you. xxx

MosEisley Mon 26-Sep-11 23:29:49

Blimey. I don't know much to add here but just wanted to wish you all the best. Your situation sounds very strange and horrible and I hope you manage to escape soon. Lots of people on here can offer help. Stay strong.

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