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Is it possible to NEVER use sex as a weapon against your dp?

(14 Posts)
Mrsgilbertgrape Mon 26-Sep-11 20:29:47

was just thinking after reading another thread.

Surly we all do it at times? If I'm angry/upset at dh or he has majorly pissed me off I don't think I could have sex with him without him thinking everything was hunky dory again.

I would not be as extreme as not having sex till he picked up his dirty clothes etc but I suppose even going without myself when I might fancy it because he has been a Pratt could be seen as using my vagina to gain some upper hand.

Just waffling really, had not really thought about it before and seeing it mentioned got me thinking blush

CoteDAzur Mon 26-Sep-11 20:39:09

Imho that is not using sex as a weapon. When you are angry with him, you don't want to have sex. That is entirely normal.

Malificence Mon 26-Sep-11 20:43:03

I have never, in 28 years, had sex when I didn't want it to "get" something from DH, or not had sex when I actually wanted it to gain some sort of upper hand / point score.

cecilyparsley Mon 26-Sep-11 21:08:47

I've never used it as a weapon, more bargaining nice or no dice.

What Malificence said. I have sex because I want to, and he wants to, and not for any other reason.

Malificence Mon 26-Sep-11 21:15:45

DH does occasionally offer me sexual favours in exchange for a cup of tea on a Sunday morning grin It works every time.

solidgoldbrass Mon 26-Sep-11 21:18:02

It's not unreasonable to feel put off sex when you are angry or upset with your partner. Same as it's not unreasonable to have no desire for sex when you are very tired, or preoccupied with an important project.
What would be unreasonable would be to regard sex as a mix of stick and carrot to control a partner's behaviour, because not only is this rough on the other person, it's only possible to do it if you have little or no interest in sex and no concept that your sexuality belongs to you and is a source of enjoyment rather than a kind of currency.

LeQueen Mon 26-Sep-11 21:20:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThereBeBolloX Mon 26-Sep-11 21:23:55

Call me naieve but I'm kind of appalled at the thought of using sex as a weapon.

For me, not wanting to have sex with someone because you're furious with them, is not using sex as a weapon, it's a purely natural response to your feelings.

Using sex as a weapon is more when you'd quite like a bit of the old other, but you want him to agree to something he doesn't want to do, so you withdraw it as a means of control even if you actually quite want it. I can't imagine being so bloody joyless tbh. It's like not eating chocolate to punish someone. Bizarre.

I think it's quite important to distinguish between the two and not accept the notion that these two very different emotional states are the same thing - using sex as a weapon. They're not.

MsPav Mon 26-Sep-11 21:24:57


LoveBeingAMummyAgain Mon 26-Sep-11 21:50:03

If you are pissed off for whatever reason, that is a good enough reason to not have sex. Surely to have sex would be purely cause your dh wanted too.

smallnotfaraway Tue 27-Sep-11 10:16:41

No of course you shouldn't use sex as a weapon against your DP. I agree with what SGB says - not unreasonable not to want it if tired/angry whatever, but unreasonable when it is withdrawn as punishment for 'bad behaviour' (or frequently dangled as a carrot for 'good behaviour').

When I hear of people (well, women) banishing their DPs to the sofa for a few days because of some argument, it always makes me a bit hmm about their actual attitude to sex. The banishment is a definite locking up of the chastity belt, even though it may not be said explicitly, and it's obvious that person is using withdrawal of sex and affection as part of their arsenal. Ok, I can understand that so sometimes you're cross and storm off to sofa yourself (I have with exH, but that was a crappy relationship), but I can't imagine an argument between a well-matched couple being so big that you can't resolve it by bedtime, or at least call a truce enought to be able to sleep in the same bed as your DP (if that is your usual arrangement).

kaluki Tue 27-Sep-11 11:43:50

It is possible. I never use sex as a weapon.
If I want to do it I do, if not I don't.
Anyone who does use it that way deserves to be dumped imo, it is cruel and manipulative and sly.

nethunsreject Tue 27-Sep-11 11:48:10

Sex as a weapon? Yuk!

Surely, your dp is your best friend? Surely you resolve issues like grown ups?

If we both feel like it, we do it! If not, we don't!

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