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I have a dilemma

(104 Posts)
fluffystabby Mon 26-Sep-11 19:52:14

I have a dilemma and I think it might help to write it down.

I have a toy boy/fuck buddy/friend with benefits. We see each other when my kids are with their dad and he's free - can be every other weekend, might see him in between times.

He's very caring, thoughtful, the sex is great.

I would not describe it as a relationship - I would just say we are friends with benefits maybe? We text every day, if something happens he's the first person I think to tell and he's the same with me.

So here's the dilemma. I'm happy with the fuck buddy/friends with benefits thing we have going on. Someone else has made it clear he's interested and I couldn't make myself go there because of FB/FWB person, so he's obviously a bit more than a FWB? He's the same - not seeing anyone else, not looking as far as I know.

But I have a major hang up about the 6 year age gap.

And how do I move it on from being FWB to more and do I even want more?


solidgoldbrass Mon 26-Sep-11 19:56:45

Have you an agreement with your FB that you are sexually exclusive? If not, why not have the discussion with him? Because if you don't have it, you might be in for a nasty shock: it is always a mistake to assume that someone you are seeing is not seeing other people when you have not discussed it. If he is seeing other people and has never promised not to, then you would have no right to be angry or hurt.

As to the other man, could you not want to 'go there' simply because you don't fancy him? Just because someone is interested in you doesn't mean you have to go on a date with that person if you don't want to, you do have a choice who you date or have sex with or socialise with.

Chrononaut Mon 26-Sep-11 19:56:59

well, this is pretty much a dilemma huh?

id say not to bother with the FWB.if it could have moved on, it would have.
maybe stop the benefits part and just go back to bring friends, then see how you feel

fluffystabby Mon 26-Sep-11 19:59:14

I like the other man, I just don't fancy him in the rip your clothes off right this minute way that I do with the FWB. But the FWb would be a nightmare as a proper relationship I think although the sex is fantastic

we did have the exclusive talk about 4 months ago - we both promised that if we met someone else we'd let the other party know. He's not seeing anyone else and nor am I. I have no reason to disbelieve that.

It's just he's so YOUNG.

fluffystabby Mon 26-Sep-11 20:00:23

We tried the just being friends thing.

We made great friends and are great friends. Unfortunately we failed at the not ripping the clothes off each other stage blush (TMI)

Chrononaut Mon 26-Sep-11 20:02:03

alright, ask yourself this:

do you want a relationship?

if the answer is yes, then stop fucking your fuck buddy and tell him your going to look for a partner or whatever

if no, resume as normal and tell the other guy your not interested

AbsOfSteel Mon 26-Sep-11 20:02:34

Who gives a fuck about age, that means absolute nothing at all. What matters is how you feel about the guy. Weigh up the relative merits of the lads Who are interested and choose one who you feel you would like to move forward with.

Just sit down with your 'FWB' and see what he thinks. Chances are if you talk as much as you say then he rates you.

I know I wouldn't waste my time faffing about texting women that I knew I already had if I didn't want something more from them.

solidgoldbrass Mon 26-Sep-11 20:04:28

You don't fancy the other man, so tell him politely that you would rather stay friends.
As to your FWB, just carry on enjoying the sex and stop worrying. Unless you are desperately broody and running out of fertile years, you are much better off having casual enjoyable sex-based flings with pleasant, decent people than scrabbling around trying to create a heteromonogamous commitment, couplehood is not compulsory and very often more trouble than it's worth.

fluffystabby Mon 26-Sep-11 20:07:26

See on paper there are better blokes out there.

But fwb - one of my friends (who socialises with us) has said she's never seen a better couple and she says she can feel the sexual attraction between us - she says he just looks at me.

In an ideal world, yes I would like a proper relationship with him but then again, what is a proper relationship? We go out together, we spend time together, talk or text every day. So is it FWB or is it slipping to relationship territory already?

(which is where I'm not sure and part of the problem)

the age gap is 5 years if it's relevant

fluffystabby Mon 26-Sep-11 20:08:12

Definitely not broody SGB grin

He might be though - I have kids, he doesn't. Which is another complication. He says he doesn't want kids though - we talked about that one night.

Chrononaut Mon 26-Sep-11 20:09:38

well, you've answered your dilemma there.

you want a relationship with him, so now its up to you if you bring this up or not.

its fairly simple

fluffystabby Mon 26-Sep-11 20:10:35

And how does one "bring it up" exactly??

AbsOfSteel Mon 26-Sep-11 20:11:16

The gap is only as relevant as you make it, fuck what outside influences think.

it sounds as if you are heading down the proper relationship route anyway.

Your talk was 4 months ago, perhaps it's time to have a quick chat to reassess what's happening, if just fr the simple fact of putting your mind at rest.

fluffystabby Mon 26-Sep-11 20:12:14

He's very very good to me. So good to me it makes me uncomfortable.

Which is daft, right?

AbsOfSteel Mon 26-Sep-11 20:13:53

Typical woman, don't know when your on to a good thing.

Have a chat with him, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised smile

fluffystabby Mon 26-Sep-11 20:14:42


he just texted me "how was your day my sexy lady"

Which makes me blush I am the most unsexy person you ever saw

Chrononaut Mon 26-Sep-11 20:15:14


maybe bring it up after a glass of wine or sth? or just steer the convo towards the subject of relationships.

however, the following example is a terrible way to do things.
"hey did you hear so and so got together with thingamybob? we should totally do the same right?"

thats the wrong way to do it (sadly, said from inexperience )

fluffystabby Mon 26-Sep-11 20:20:54

I'm not used to be treated the way he treats me. And it makes me feel like I'm taking advantage, does that make sense?

no it doesn't ignore me I'm rambling

TheOriginalFAB Mon 26-Sep-11 20:25:32

5 or 6 years is nothing.

Take a deep breath and say you have had a good day and was just thinking about him. Then ask him if he wants to go out on a date.

fluffystabby Mon 26-Sep-11 20:27:51

Oh we go out together.

To dinner.

To the cinema.

To wedding parties. Together. With me as his "plus one"

RandomMess Mon 26-Sep-11 20:29:38

5 or 6 years is absolutely nothing unless he is 16-19 and you are 5 years older in which he has some growing up to do IYSWIM

AbsOfSteel Mon 26-Sep-11 20:30:22

Just take the bloody plunge then! He clearly makes you happy, you do lots together and you get along famously.

Fwomen piss me off, it's staring right at you grin

fluffystabby Mon 26-Sep-11 20:30:24

I am 41 he is 36

Hassled Mon 26-Sep-11 20:30:37

Yes - FAB has it. Change the routine - whatever you usually do outside the bedroom, do something else. If you never go out for a meal/to a gig/to the cinema, suggest it. See how it feels.

The age thing is irrelevant

fluffystabby Mon 26-Sep-11 20:31:02

But but but Abs what if I make a tit of myself and then we aren't friends any more?????


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