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Is he being cruel or am I going mad? (LONG sorry)

(46 Posts)
caspartherabbit Mon 26-Sep-11 19:45:03

DH works in a job where he is overseas for 2 weeks, and on 'holiday' time at home for 2 weeks every month. He had a break in this arrangement for 3 months in the summer when his client was working on another project, so effectively he had 3 months paid holiday which was lovely for the family. I was on the last 3 months of maternity leave, so we spent around 12 weeks enjoying the summer with DS, who is now 10 months. DH is very good with DS and would help with bath&bed time every night, and we take turns getting up in the night.

DH was worried about how I would re-adjust to being alone after 3 months, as we both value our alone time/break from baby duties, but obviously I assured him I would be fine for 2 weeks. I had gone back to work at the start of Sept, and DS started nursery.

The day DH left, DS became very ill (illness number 3 since starting at nursery).By day 2/3 he was so bad I took him to A&E worried he had meningitis (floppy, eyes rolling back, high temp, horrible rash all over). This was very stressful for me alone, and I have no family close by. I was told he had a severe case of tonsillitis. This went on for about a week (think 90 min bouts of hysterical screaming followed by 30 mins exhausted sleep. Repeat all night long. For 5/6 nights running). During this same week DS got a very bad cold, followed by a vomiting bug. We're now on day 12 of DH being away and DS was sent home from nursery AGAIN today with a temperature.

I'm on my last legs - I've caught the same bugs and had to manage working from home with feeling ill, no sleep & sick baby. I have never had such a difficult 2 weeks in my life, and at times I didn't know if i could cope anymore. Both me & baby have cried hysterically together, and I seem to cry every day. I'm quite sure it's exhaustion and not an emotional breakdown, but now I'll get on to DH's reaction to this.

At various times I have called him, upset/crying/stressed or annoyed at him for not having to deal with this (he has hardly any work to do, and spends a lot of time in luxury hotels/bars/spas/leisure places)

A couple of times he has been vaguely sympathetic but for the most part he seems to react really badly, basically saying 'why are you telling me this? either you're a crap parent and can't cope alone as I predicted and I need to come home because you're putting DS in danger (?????) OR you CAN cope and it's not that bad and you're just exaggerating for sympathy'

This was really hurtful, as I feel I don't have anyone else to lean on and he is supposed to be my other half....and be supportive, right? He's accused me of having some sort of emotional breakdown and also shouted that he'll have to quit his job if i can't cope with him going away (I have pointed out that it's unlikely that we'd get 3 illnesses in 2 weeks next month, and the next etc)

Twice, in desperation, I've begged him to come back because I've felt too ill to look after DS and he has refused, saying he'd lose credibility with his boss.

Today I mentioned how hard I was finding it all in a text message, and he sent back about 4 messages saying 'fine, it's all my fault, clearly i'm a shit husband and dad. what do you want me to do, nothing is ever good enough for you. etc etc' - I just don't know where it's all coming from - am I not allowed to vent to my husband about what is literally the hardest 2 weeks I've ever experienced?!
The stress of work and the way I'm feeling physically, and DS being so poorly is making me weaker every day and it's like he finds it a massive inconvenience that I'm telling him what's happening at home. It seems like he goes away and he switches off his caring and he can't cope with thinking about work & home at once.

But that's not fair. I have to think about home, and baby, and work at once. 2 weeks of the month I'm a single parent. He is NEVER a single parent. but he can't seem to get his head round that point.

I KNOW there's not much he can do, but surely he could listen/send supportive msgs

I'm also a bit upset because he's spent every day and evening of this trip with a young female colleague and they've been going to places around the world that me & DH always planned to explore together. She tagged some romantic looking pics on FB of them that were swiftly de-tagged (I assume by DH tho he denies it) and I'm feeling hurt that whilst I'm throwing up with a screaming baby I can't reach in his cot, he's spending on the credit card enjoying holiday destinations me & DS won't get to see (I'm not saying he should stay in his hotel all day, that would be stupid, but to go specifically to the places i've said we should visit as a couple (down to particular restaurants in a city) with another girl i find sad)

I'm well aware however that the sleep deprivation might be making me more emotional than usual.

I also checked his email today (i know, i know) - and seen that he'd planned a couple of days on a tropical island with this girl if their boss didn't need them for 48 hrs (but the boss said no). The message didn't have anything romantic in it, but this island is where we took our first holiday together so it feels wrong to me (but then, he has friends who live there, so maybe innocent?)
Either way, he didn't tell me he was planning to ask his boss if he could go, so should I be worried?
But if i ask him about it, he'll probably say he didn't mention it, because it didn't happen in the end?!

Basically, am I being completely unreasonable?? Is he being mean, or am i just a fruit loop????

solidgoldbrass Mon 26-Sep-11 19:49:52

It's a bit of both, isn't it? You are understandably exhausted, but your H is out of the country working and he can't just drop everything and come back to look after you. It is not his employer's fault that you have no family and a sick child. If your H was in the army or something you would not be able to demand he come home in the middle of a tour of duty. He may be worried about losing his job and being unable to find another one.
If he is otherwise a good bloke and a good partner, he may be snapping at you because he feels guilty about not being there to help -but TBH no one tolerates being repeatedly phoned up and screamed at over a situation they can't do anything about.
I think you should prioritize getting some help for yourself. Try SUre Start or your HV, it might be possible to have someone come round for a couple of hours so you can have a rest.

Chrononaut Mon 26-Sep-11 19:54:29

if you can afford it, maybe hire a nanny for one day a week or sth?
agree with SGB

MangoMonster Mon 26-Sep-11 19:55:13

You're not a fruit loop. Sounds really tough on you. Also sounds like he's feeling guilty for not being there to help you. Do you have any family or friends who could give you a hand?

Probably best to have a long chat with your dh when he's back about how you feel and to find out how he feels. He may not realise he's being cruel, he may just be feeling useless and is taking it out on you which is obviously not acceptable.

Hope you are all recovering and feel better soon.

pink4ever Mon 26-Sep-11 20:01:28

Completely disagree with solidgoldbrass. Op-you are only asking for a bit of support from your dh-I think the way he responded on phone and by text are disgraceful. Yes maybe it isnt helpful for you to ask him to come home but if you had got even one iota of sympathy from him then am sure you would have felt a lot better.

With regards to his relationship with this work collegue-it is not something I would tolerate in my relationship. Sounds far too cosy-would he offer to take a male collegue to a tropical island for a few days?hmm

I would sit him down when he does return,explain how unhelpful his behaviour was for you and tell him firmly that romantic nights with anyone other than you are simply not on.

babyhammock Mon 26-Sep-11 20:04:14

Basic sympathy and the right kind of noises about all this cost nothing and can make all the difference to someone's level of suffering.
He's not doing this, and instead is 'irritated' by it.

And then there is this girl...

Sorry caspar bt this seems out of character for him and I think there's more to it... I think your warning flags would be more in tune too if you weren't so exhausted x

anonacfr Mon 26-Sep-11 20:05:19

Excuse me????? He is sounding like a complete prick quite frankly. You're feeling shit and worried your son has caught meningitis and he is accusing you of putting the baby at risk? Who the hell says that?

And I don't buy the whole 'he's feeling guilty' spiel. If he was feeling so bad for you he would actually say it rather than have a go at you.

As for visiting places and going to restaurant you suggested with someone else that is just callous. And a more than a little worrying I'm afraid.

I hope you feel better and your DS is on the mend.

babyhammock Mon 26-Sep-11 20:06:29

So basically its suspect. I think he's trying to forget about being married and having responsibilies so he can dilly dally with this girl.. The fact that he's doing this when you need him most is nasty x

babyhammock Mon 26-Sep-11 20:11:46

sorry I keep thinkingof more things!
What anonacfr said.
Trying to make you out to be an incompetent parent to ease his guilt at whatever he's up to out there is really nasty sad

fit2drop Mon 26-Sep-11 20:11:50

Could you not ask family or friends for some support whilst you were ill?

I think all the other issues may be exagerated by you feeling so drained, both emotionally and physically as before you had these illness problems you were coping with everything , including his relationship with his colleague.

You need to think this through with a clear head once you are well.

Your priority now should be to get the kids and yourself well .

fluffles Mon 26-Sep-11 20:12:22

i think the problem is that you're very unclear about what you need from him. is it actually so bad he has to come home and walk out on his job, or do you just need a sympathetic ear?

if you do just need to talk - tell him that.. tell him you just need to let of steam... it sounds like he thinks that you're guilt tripping him and accusing him of being away on a jolly - and that's making him defensive.

when he gets back, and you've had some rest, sit down and talk about what you would ideally like from him if you phone him up for support.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 26-Sep-11 20:12:36

I would be very concerned - he sounds detached from you, which is common in people who are planning to/or are having an affair and also his boundaries with regards to this girl are pretty crap.

caspartherabbit Mon 26-Sep-11 20:12:40

Do you think I should tell him I checked his email when he gets home? Or is that just going to make a big mess?

I sent him a text a couple of hours ago which says 'do you not want to me with me anymore?' and haven't had any reply. although he is in an area with rubbish signal this week..

I'm tormenting myself, i know i should be in bed. DS is in bed and i am poorly.....but i'm up tormenting myself. why?!

sternface Mon 26-Sep-11 20:12:50

I'm stunned at the first responses you've received.

It sounds as though you have had an unbelievably awful time of it and your husband's reactions have been frankly, despicable and cruel. Calling you a crap parent because of illnesses that have been out of your control, not to mention the passive aggressive texts?

Before even getting to your last few paragraphs, it made me wonder whether someone else was getting close to him hmm especially your bewildered line about his behaviour and "I just don't know where it's all coming from" - as though he has suddenly undergone a personality transplant and it's left you wondering if you're going mad? The FB pictures and the trip you've found out about would have my alarm bells ringing very loudly indeed.

It sounds as though he he has absolutely no empathy for you at the moment and that it might have departed on meeting this colleague, which sadly is not an uncommon scenario.

At the very minimum, you need to speak to him when he next comes home about how you have been feeling and how unsupportive he has been. I also think that you need to find out more about his relationship with this woman and see if he volunteers what you have managed to find out. If he lies about or with-holds information that you already know, then realise you are dealing with an affair, either existing or one that is about to happen.

TheOriginalFAB Mon 26-Sep-11 20:15:50

Seems to me that men start being mean to their wives when there is another woman sniffing around.

drasticpark Mon 26-Sep-11 20:25:13

Big red flag re the girl. I think he may be distancing himself from you which is very dangerous. He needs to understand what he's putting at stake here.

caspartherabbit Mon 26-Sep-11 20:27:15

I knew it was common when leaving the forces, that pilots would get close to the hostesses....i just didn't think he was that kind of man.
He also blames me for leaving the forces. I didn't ask him to, he decided to, but I was delighted (only revealed my feelings after he'd made his own decision, so I KNOW I didn't make him do it)
I think he's regretting it and blaming me because I am happy on the other side. Add his lost ambition to the mix sad

drasticpark Mon 26-Sep-11 20:34:45

What sternface said.
Don't tell him about the email until you know what is really going on. Which is either nothing or something but you need some hard facts now.

drasticpark Mon 26-Sep-11 20:37:21

Please stop allowing yourself to take any blame. He is responsible for all his own choices.

buzzskillington Mon 26-Sep-11 20:39:45

It may be that the dismissive/pissed off behaviour from him is a lot to do with this woman. Perhaps he doesn't want to hear about what you're going through and puts the worst possible spin on everything you say & do to justify to himself his growing closeness with her.

MangoMonster Mon 26-Sep-11 20:42:22

Dont tell him about the email yet and please stop torturing yourself and get some rest. You need to be well before you can think straight and tackle this. I always believe it's best to talk to your dp when he's back and hear his side before making yourself ill by thinking it through on your own. You can't second guess, you need to wait and talk to him.

frutilla Mon 26-Sep-11 20:55:25

I would avoid telling him about the email as it might backfire, but I'd mention the fb pics and say I wasn't happy about this girl taking your place visiting romantic places you'd planned to see together. He could surely go as part of a group.
Sometimes guys don't like moaning though, my DH will just say "what do you want me to do about it?" and it can be a sore point!! They're not all good listeners.
Hang in there, agree if you can get baby-sitting help it would be good. Hope you and DS get well soon....x

ike1 Mon 26-Sep-11 21:34:59

My ex H hadm an affair for 5 yrs when the kids were young. He was a twat when we were ill at the same time. Couldn't get to work quick enough.

M0naLisa Mon 26-Sep-11 21:54:06

I dont understand why people are saying its cos hes feeling guilty so hes beig snappy.

I'm sorry you're going through this but I seriously would be having stern words, not just about his attitude but he denied something you saw on facebook, YOUR DH in romantic pics (how romantic were they?) Which were then detagged and them he lied about It? I wouldn't have him lie to my face If it was DH. He Is taking you for a mug, print the email out and tell him straight yeah you checked the email cos he was lying to you.

Sorry but thats my opinion.

caspartherabbit Tue 27-Sep-11 12:42:41

He says 'if i moaned and whinged all the time, do you think you'd look forward to seeing me again?'


I'm not allowed to moan after 2 weeks of....well, I'd describe it as hell actually.

I told him that he should try looking after a baby alone (he's been with DS one night alone in his nearly 11 months of existence), whilst being sick, whilst the baby is sick, whilst trying to hold down a full time job and not get fired in your first month back. then after he'd tried that, talk to me about moaning again.

no reply...that was yesterday sad

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