Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I don't know about our relationship anymore.

(11 Posts)
PrincessPeaGreen Mon 26-Sep-11 17:20:03

I love DP. I really do. But I feel very frustrated with our relationship. I have been unhappy with it for a while now, and though before I use to be able to pretend everything was fine, I'm really struggling to do that now.

I have been with DP almost 4 years now. He is a great father role to DD (8) and has been an amazing partner to me the past few years. However, at the moment, it feels like our relationship is just stuck in a rut.

DP works nights so he doesn't finish work til 11:30pm. He still lives at home for a number of reasons which I won't go into, but basically it boils down to that he can't move out until his father finds a new home. This is looking to be a very slow process, and probably won't be any time soon, if not for a few more years. Originally DP was going to move in a couple of years ago but for one reason or another, he hasn't.

So he's only home for long weekends. However, I work most weekends. Therefore, we have very little time together. I end up going to bed about 10pm and DP doesn't go to bed til 3am. When I'm up during the day, he's still asleep til 1pm. Monday's are the only day we're both home together, but because of sleeping patterns, we just don't spend any alone time together as by the time he is up and ready, I've got to go out and pick DD up, then sort out dinner, then by the time she goes to bed, I'm exhausted and in bed just after 9pm.

So as I'm doing all the mummy type jobs and trying to keep our household together during the week and then working 12 hour shifts at the weekend, I'm just exhausted all the time. I don't get to have lie ins because I have to be up early every day.

We're suppose to be getting married in 2013, but I don't really feel comfortable with us getting married without knowing whether we can properly live together. He wants us to have kids, but still boils down to not living together. I don't want to have any more babies after a certain age, and that age is coming up in a few years! Our sex life is just non existent, except the odd time when DP wakes me up.

I feel like we've hit a brick wall and there's nothing that we can do about it. DP has tried getting day time jobs, but jobs are far and few between, as he only has particular work experience in a certain field and has no qualifications. I am in a job that involves only weekend work so I can't shift my pattern. I just don't know what to do sad

Chrononaut Mon 26-Sep-11 18:38:52

didn't want to leave your post unanswered.

im sad to say it does not sound like you have much of a relationship. if you do love him and still want to marry him it may be worth trying to talk to him and seeing if you can reach a compromise. you cant go into married life barely seeing one another. Also its a bad idea to go into marriage not knowing if you can stand living with one another or not.

are you able to afford to be a SAHM if you can do that?

buzzskillington Mon 26-Sep-11 18:44:52

Something's got to give, hasn't it?

It looks to me like the best option is for one of you to get a different job - that's easier said than done, but it does seem like the only way of getting time together and hopefully not being as exhausted.

PrincessPeaGreen Mon 26-Sep-11 19:21:11

Thanks both of you.

I ideally would love to get a different job but I've been trying and so far not succeeding very well. I've applied for 50+ jobs and have only had 2 interviews. I've been to job clubs to see if my CV is okay, but it's just how tough it is out there. And I have a degree and various work experiences, so I feel like if I can't get a job, how can DP?

I think it may be down to exhaustion, but DP is getting on my nerves too, which worries me as well, as then I wonder if it's down to our actual relationship. Like if I'm speaking to him, he'll cut across me or interrupt me in mid sentence and it really pisses me off (he's just done it). So now that worries me as well.

I'm currently on the waiting list to see my counsellor as I feel that it may help me try and work out some of my feelings.

solidgoldbrass Mon 26-Sep-11 19:45:13

So he is working night shifts and still living with his parents? What is he getting out of his relationship with you? I mean, is he coming round yours to play on your computer because it's better than his, with the chance of a shag thrown in? Is the sex good enough for it to be worth youcontinuing the relationship, or have you been misled into believing that anything is better than being single?

buzzskillington Mon 26-Sep-11 19:49:15

Could he not go to bed sooner after he gets back from work and get up earlier in the day in order to spend more time with you? I know it's hard to wind down straight away after work, but then again not going to bed until 3am and sleeping til 1pm isn't much good to you.

PrincessPeaGreen Mon 26-Sep-11 20:12:52

solidgoldbrass, I'm not 100% sure tbh. It sometimes feels like that. I mean he does little things like always cooks dinner when he's here and does the washing up, and he will look after DD if I need to go do something or work and does go out of his way to do things for me, but... I dunno. I do sometimes think he's just keeping it like this because it's easier for him instead of trying to find a job or to get in hassle with his family by saying he wants to move out. I mean it's a tricky situation anyway, but don't want to explain too much more as it'll give away as to who I am, and I understand why he stays to be loyal to his dad but at the same time, I think well what about me?

buzzskillington, I've tried suggesting that, but he says he feels like all he does is work and sleep. The other night we both went to bed at 12, so late for me, early for him. But even then he ended up getting up because he was restless as he couldn't sleep and was bugging me cos all I wanted to do was just sleep. But I feel like I end up sacrificing my time sometimes by staying up later than I should just to spend time with him and then regretting it the next day.

buzzskillington Mon 26-Sep-11 20:18:52

So he's not even trying to find something else?

PrincessPeaGreen Mon 26-Sep-11 20:34:01

In a word, no. He had a call last week about a possible job, so he's waiting to hear back from them, but other than that, no.

buzzskillington Mon 26-Sep-11 20:45:09

He doesn't seem to have any urgency in wanting things to move on, then.

I can't really imagine what would reasonably keep him living at home, if he sincerely wants to spend his life with you. Maybe the explanation is a really good one, 'though.

But as it stands, it seems he's ok with the status quo. And you're not.

You might be flogging a dead horse here.

PrincessPeaGreen Mon 26-Sep-11 21:21:15

Tbh I know his reason for not moving things along, and I understand it. It goes into personal things to do with his family but I feel that it's quite unreasonable for his dad to ask him to stay. Sorry I can't go in to too much more otherwise it'll give away who I am. But even still, he doesn't do anything to show or "prepare" for it. I dunno. I just know I'm not happy with how things are and I only have a couple of options really.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now