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it shouldn't be like this should it?

(9 Posts)
feelinabitlonely Mon 26-Sep-11 06:47:37

Dp, me and my 12 yr old son live together. I am still finding that days out with my son are only happening with my friends. If we have dp 3 kids at home dp wants us all to go out. I give his kids a lot of time and its hard work. I don't mind but i'm getting resentful that he doesn't want to give my son time. If its just me and DS, he find an excuse not to come with us.

However I also find myself not really wanting him to come anyway as I feel pulled between the two. We don't seem to blend as a threesome at all. I feel like a single parent still but with the added pressure of dp to keep happy and also his kids when they are with us not to mention the extra housework etc.

feelinabitlonely Mon 26-Sep-11 07:03:44

Sometimes I end up having a strange conversation between all of us. Literally dp talking about one thing to me and DS talking about another. This goes on at dinner table, or in the car etc and I find it really draining. I had thought maybe I should encourage DS not to talk about something different but them dp is just as guilty. Is this normal? I've only ever had one to one with DS so not really had to share myself out.

oldenoughtowearpurple Mon 26-Sep-11 07:36:32

Bumping. But DP should be making more effort - you come as a package with DS, like it or not, and DS is going to be part of his life for many years. What does he say when you tackle him?

feelinabitlonely Mon 26-Sep-11 09:40:33

He will either say "I thought you wanted time with DS alone" which comes from when I felt a bit suffocated by his DC and never having any time alone with DS. I think he's now using this as a blanket excuse not to do anything at all with just ds and me. I make sure dp gets one to one time with his kids, while I look after the others, but we also do things as a family. Or he will just say that whatever we are doing is not his thing.

Helltotheno Mon 26-Sep-11 09:48:54

I think you need to ask yourself why you're sticking with this arrangement at all. Get a piece of paper and write down a list of the positives and negatives. I haven't been in your situation so can't comment from experience but one thing I do know for sure is that my kids are the absolute number 1 in my life. If their Dad wasn't around, I would never be in any relationship that diluted my relationship with my children in any way.

Sounds to me like you and your DS are getting very little from this arrangement. This might be harsh to hear but your DP is treating you as a convenient onsite booty call and housekeeper. You should voice your feelings to him but also ultimately, be prepared to go it alone with your DS until you meet someone who's more prepared to accept you as a package with all that entails.

theredhen Mon 26-Sep-11 12:52:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buzzskillington Mon 26-Sep-11 12:56:50

You being unhappy is enough to make changes, you know. Doesn't matter if your dp is happy as a clam with the situation.

SingOut Mon 26-Sep-11 13:33:25

Agree with buzz, and I think making a list is a good plan. You sound like you've got used to the status quo and are just now starting to wake up and question things.
Have you considered posting this in Step Parents board as well as I bet they'd have loads of experience of this sort of dynamic. You sound like you're trying to keep everyone happy and things afloat, but what is he doing towards that?

feelinabitlonely Mon 26-Sep-11 15:42:31

I will sit down a write out that list when I get a chance.

To be honest, the only real positives are more financial "back up" although day to day I am no better off and the fact that we live in a nice house and the main thing being someone to talk to in the evenings and cuddle up to at night.

I think I will also write a list of what DP gains from being with me and what he loses.

And one for DS. Who again seems happy enough but I feel I am letting him down.

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