Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Long and miserable(8 Posts)
I am in a mess and I just don't know what to do for the best. I have name changed for this because I think my daughter has worked out my user name. I have been married for almost 7 years and tbh most of it has been pretty miserable. When I met my husband I had 3 children from a previous relationship. DS was 5 months and DD1 was 6, DD2 was 5. Less than a year before I had been forced to live in a safe house because of my violent ex-partner who would scream at me and shove me. I moved to be near my father because of the volatile relationship and got myself sorted out and had my baby by myself. I adored him and my daughters but I didn't understand the pain and rejection I would feel - he didn't want to see the baby or my daughters and got his new girlfriend to answer the phone when I rang to tell him about DS.
When DS was 5 months old I met my husband. He was kind, hardworking and wanted a family. He adored me. I wasn't in love with him, but I married him because I liked him and wanted to have a proper family for my children. I very quickly realised I'd made a mistake. I tried to tell my one source of social support who was my sister, but she basically said that I had made my bed and would have to lie in it. I felt so trapped. However, with no other options that I could see at the time, I bowed to pressure and stayed with him. I was soon pregnant and I was terribly miserable. DS2 was born 2 months early and ill and I had told my husband to leave a few days before because I didn't love him.
We ended up back together anyway because I had an emergency c-section and I had to take care of 3 children and visit DS2 everyday in SCBU. Somehow, we scraped along for another 18 months, I was heavily medicated because I was so depressed. We rarely had sex, but I conceived again. We were better for a while, I think we were both determined that this baby would be as healthy as possible. DD3 was born and I was sterilised afterwards. My life was so hard for a while. I had to take care of 5 children, decorate a house, go to college and do voluntary work, while my husband was studying and watching DVDs.
I started University and things improved between us so much that we retook our wedding vows. My sterilisation failed and I became pregnant again. I actually fell in love with him and I was so happy. However, after the birth of DS3, everything has changed. I discovered that he has been addicted to porn or years, emailing other women and has transvestite fetishism. I wanted to get a divorce, mainly because it has dawned on me that I don't know him at all. I cannot trust him in any way, but I have health problems and I can't manage on my own. My Dad's dead and I don't see my sister any more. I have some friends but nowhere to go. We have a big mortgage on student incomes and we can't afford to lose the house. I don't expect any sympathy, I know I should never have married him, but I am scared that this is my life now and I am trapped. He has never hurt me physically, but the mental scars are massive. I told him in the beginning I had made a mistake, but he wouldn't leave and simply said that it was now his home too. Sorry it's so long - just needed to say it somewhere.
I don't have any practical advice I'm afraid but my heart went out to you after reading your post and I just wanted you to know that someone was out here reading it...
Your situation sounds so tough! would it be worth considering some kind of couples counselling at all to see if there is any way to work through the issues? Otherwise I'm sure there will be others along who may have more practical suggestions about getting out.
And I'm absolutely sure that no one here will be unsympathetic - we all make mistakes, and do what seems right at the time.
You have lots of sympathy here and hopefully more useful advice to come!
Thanks so much Weta, I am so unhappy. Each time I try to trust him I get kicked in the teeth. We have no money for counselling and the waiting lists are huge. I'm really grateful to you for replying - I'll try and sleep now.
Just wanted to say I hope you had a good sleep and are maybe feeling a bit better now it's the morning?
And hoping you get some more replies!!
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Thanks Weta and Morrisey, I got a couple of hours but my thyroid is playing up and my baby is ill. Even so, it is good to know that people care.
Would it be possible to look at finding a way forward that doesn't depend on one of you being the victim and one of you the bad guy? It sounds like you both married each other for reasons other than being In Love - you wanted a family background for DC, he (by the sound of it) wanted a wife to make him look normal/respectable. To an extent, both of you fulfilled the majority of your part of the bargain. it might be worth trying to get counselling with the aim of sorting out an amicable co-parent relationship ie you support each other, raise DC together but get your sexual needs met outside the home.
Solidgoldbrass, I have suggested this but he always says he wants me - I can't cope with the deceit. I don't believe him and he just shuts down. We will have to try counselling. Thanks for replying.
Join the discussion
Please login first.