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Fed up with hearing/experiencing that men don't do emotions. Or do they?

(25 Posts)
toptramp Sun 25-Sep-11 22:42:09

I am an emotional being and proud. I don't cry much but I don't consider it a weakness when I do. Why is it that some men hate it when women cry and refuse to comfort you etc. I have been told to save emotional stuff for friends or a councellor as men ''don't do emotions''. WHY ON EARTH NOT? I mean if you can't share with your partner then who can you share with?

I had one boyfriend who would make me cry then just walk out of the house when he achieved this objective! Thank God he's history.

It's probably one reason why I am still single; not to mention the fact that being in a relationship with a man normally makes me more emotional anyway!

I don't want a man who cries all the time. I just want a partner who isn't afraid of emotions and who can empathise.

If not I am happy alone as my emotions are much more calm when single anyway.

Another thing that bugs me is this notion that men don't liek talking about issues. I mean what's the point of a relationship if you can't talk and why should I spendmy time reading relationship manuals such as Men are from Mars/woman are from venus just to learn behaviours to amke me pleasing to men? I think the way foward is just to be myself and if a man dosn't like it he's not for me anyway.

toptramp Sun 25-Sep-11 22:43:05

I don't consider it a weakness when men do cry either I might add. I mean all emotions too such as anger etc.

Kayano Sun 25-Sep-11 22:43:35

I hate generalisations like this

toptramp Sun 25-Sep-11 22:45:00

I know it's a generalisation but it exists in the mind of many. Not in my mind I hasten to add. But it is common dating advice not to be too emotional when with one's man. Isn't it or have I misread it?

blueshoes Sun 25-Sep-11 23:27:53

I think it is commonsense dating advice for a man or woman not to be too emotional with one's partner, at least until the relationship is established.

The reason some (dick) men don't comfort women who cry is that they see crying as manipulative behaviour. My dh is not very good at comforting me, he is not particularly expressive (Taurus) but he would never walk out of the room.

He was however a rock when I was falling apart when our dd was born with health issues. Only one of us is allowed to go mental at any one time.

takingbackmonday Mon 26-Sep-11 17:46:36

In my experience men are more emotional, needy and clingy. Not most men but more men who I have met than women

CarmenSternwood Mon 26-Sep-11 17:55:46

Nothing is more of a turn-off than a needy or clingy man. Mega-Ugh.

MooncupGoddess Mon 26-Sep-11 17:59:39

Yes it's a ridiculous generalisation and comes from a cultural stereotype that has been enormously damaging for both sexes. Men are often taught from an early age that they shouldn't have strong emotions, with the result that they can struggle to deal with their feelings, and sometimes their emotions come out in inappropriate ways (e.g. anger, or stonewalling women who are displaying their emotions).

2rebecca Mon 26-Sep-11 19:36:00

My bloke is quite emotional, he very rarely cries though, but then I very rarely cry. My life isn't generally that sad and if my bloke upset me enough to make me cry then we wouldn't be together.
I'd find someone who regularly cried hard work, especially if they started crying during arguments, I'd feel emotionally manipulated in an "I'm crying so I've won, you've got to stop disagreeing with me and comfort me now and change the subject" sort of way.
Maybe some cognitive therapy so you look at life more positively and aren't always wanting men to comfort you would be helpful.

Greensleeves Mon 26-Sep-11 19:37:28

it's claptrap. My dh "does" emotions, of course he does. He is just as sensitive and feeling and emotionally literate as I am, more so in some ways and less in others. My male children also appear to have feelings.

Who on earth thinks otherwise? confused

solidgoldbrass Mon 26-Sep-11 19:42:10

Lots of people can't stand being around the emotionally incontinent. Your emotions are your problem and no-one else's. People who are proud of their ability to display emotion are generally childish, self-obsessed and tiresome - other people are not obliged to have to stop what they are doing, attend to you and let you have your own way every time you start fucking blubbering.

Greensleeves Mon 26-Sep-11 19:42:53

<<shits horrible gooey sticky FEELINGS down sgb's neck>> grin

AbsOfSteel Mon 26-Sep-11 19:47:17

Moon cup, sorry but that's simply not true.

It's a sweeping generalisation. Certain things do not have the same effect on men as they do women, but to say we are programmed not to show emotion or simply don't find the same things emotional is wrong.

People deal with their issues in different ways, whether you are male or female.

I would never leave a partner out to dry if they were upset but sometimes it's difficult for a male to sympathise if the matter is trivial.

piranhamorgana Mon 26-Sep-11 19:52:11

grin @ Greensleeves !

It's a generalisation and an individual issue. Comes down to compatibility and compromise,I think.

cecilyparsley Mon 26-Sep-11 21:12:55

I agree it's not just men who feel uncomfortable when other people cry, I often find it a bit pathetic.
Perhaps watching reality TV with all that blubbing & gushing has weakened the good ole stiff upper lip for some people?

solidgoldbrass Mon 26-Sep-11 21:15:21

Anyone who feels the need to tell you that they are ever so sensitive and emotional is, I suppose, giving you fair warning that they are going to be a fucking nuisance. Because the more of a big deal people make about their own emotions, the less interest they have in anyone else's. 'I'm sensitive' means 'I have to be let have my own way all the time or I will cry and scream and throw things and sulk and shit my lacy knickers till you all give in.'

2rebecca Mon 26-Sep-11 21:20:02

Agree, many of the narcissistic matriarchs complained about on mumsnet are described as "sensitive", in that people have to tiptoe around them for fear of upsetting them whilst these women ride roughshod over everyone else's emotions not noticing that they have them.

AbsOfSteel Mon 26-Sep-11 21:21:27

That needed saying.

I'm actually glad there are women who do see it that way.

LalalalalalaSummerHoliday Mon 26-Sep-11 21:36:46

They seem to do anger just fine. That's an emotion too.

Tcanny Mon 26-Sep-11 21:39:45

Of course we men have emotions.

I very rarely cry but dont feel bad about it when I do. Not showing care when a person is upset or crying seems a little off to me. With that being said Im not going to pander to every whim of a person who crys (been there done that ... helps no one in the long run) sgb - you seem to have a very tough stance on emotion. No one asked if it was reasonable to be emotionally incontinent all the time.

To sum up yes men do do emotions, and many of us dont even mind talking about them

garlicnutty Mon 26-Sep-11 21:59:11

There is nothing wrong with your OPs, toptramp. Absolutely nothing. People who say "men" do or don't do anything are sexist thickos - 48% of the world's population are all the same? Do me a favour!

I've had some nasty experiences with the "strong and silent type" and also with overly expressive narcissists. Gimme a man who knows who he is and owns his feelings! (I'll save one for you wink )

cecilyparsley Mon 26-Sep-11 22:57:09

Lalala important point, anger is also an emotion...perhaps harder to control than tears?

I used to cry much more when I was younger, I dont think I have any tears left now, I used 'em all up over stupid stuff grin

Faffalina Tue 27-Sep-11 10:46:20

Emotions don't have to be "needy" or "clingy". Some people see tears as manipulation - and sometimes they are.

But I have found many men emotional, even if it isn't on display all the time.

solidgoldbrass Tue 27-Sep-11 11:31:56

It's not that it's wrong to cry when you are sad, or let it be known when you are angry - or indeed to laugh and jump about when you are happy. It's making a big deal out of how important your emotions are, and expecting other people to attend to your feelings no matter what they might be doing, thinking or even feeling themselves, that makes you a PITA. And people who think their emotions are something to be proud of generally are PITAs. Like toddlers who are proud of the big poo they just did and want everyone to come and admire it.

kaluki Tue 27-Sep-11 11:40:44

Of course men do emotions. Everybody does.
My ex used to accuse me of "using my trump card" whenever I cried! He would say "Oh boohoo, well done - now I'm the baddie for making you cry!" as if I cried to order. I actually wasn't crying for effect, just because I was utterly miserable and frustrated and absolutely hated the sight of him.
The first time I cried in front of DP I apologised profusely and he looked at me like I was a loon for feeling the need to say sorry !!

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