Just can't let it go

[featherbag]

I'm 31 weeks pregnant, and feeling huge and rather hormonal. Yesterday had a stupid argument with my DH which was partially my fault, partially his. It escalated to the point where he stormed off to the pub leaving me in the house sobbing, feeling like an inconvenience, an irritant, and very much alone. I've had a lot of problems with this pregnancy, including high bp, GD, abdo pain, hip and pelvic pain, etc, and am signed off work til I start mat leave in 4 weeks. Anyway, when he came home I still wasn't feeling great, I had a splitting headache and abdo pains and felt very sick. He lost his temper in a major way. I KNOW he would NEVER hit me, but I was frightened of him last night. He screamed at me that I was pathetic, the woman he'd married would never be so pathetic, he's sick of having to do everything (for the record, my mum and I do all the housework between us, he rarely has to wash a pot), and other very hurtful things. He slammed the front door so hard he shattered plaster, he bodily stopped me from leaving the house, and if I'd had someone to call (parents away) to come and get me I would have.

Today we've agreed to try and salvage the weekend. He's brought me shopping to buy some expensive shoes I'd mentioned weeks ago I wanted. All I can hear in my head is him screaming how pathetic I am. And how I'm rude and always barging into people without apologising, making him ashamed to be out with me (did I mention I'm huge?). He's apologised for all of this. I feel on the verge of tears constantly. I don't want the fucking shoes. I want my husband, the one who doesn't think I'm pathetic and isn't ashamed to be seen with me. I just can't get this out of my head, I feel like I'm cracking up. Please help.

[featherbag]

Re-reading that, I've made him sound like a monster. He's not, we're usually very happy and I know he loves me.

[Anniegetyourgun]

He may not be a monster, but he certainly behaved monstrously. I don't blame you for not "letting it go", why should you? He may have apologised, well he would have been a real monster if he hadn't, but what you need is some guarantees that he won't do it again. Refusing to let you leave the house is particularly worrying. If he's genuinely remorseful would he consider a course of counselling to find out why your illness in pregnancy upsets him so much, and of course ways to control his temper? This is the time of life when a woman really could do with all the support and understanding her partner is capable of, not... whatever's going on with him.

(Do you really barge into people without apologising?)

[featherbag]

If I do I've never been aware of it, I'd be mortified if I thought I'd done that to someone!

[frutilla]

Poor you! I wouldn't want the shoes either....not after that. What did he say in his apology to justify his aggressive and emotionally abusive behaviour? Is he usually quite passive and then occasionally blows his lid like my DH ?

[featherbag]

Sounds about right frutilla. He says he's finding it hard watching me go through everything I've had to and not be able to do anything, he feels totally out of control of everything to do with the pregnancy. He's also shattered as I've not been sleeping well and without meaning to, I disturb him a lot. He then has to get up for work while I can have a nap later if I want to. I've told him that the way he behaved yesterday just makes everything worse for me, he's my protector, the one I rely on to always be on my side, and to have him say such hurtful things, and make me frightened of him is unbearably painful. I feel physically and mentally exhausted. He says he blew his top yesterday as he only gets 2 days off a week and didn't want to spend them dealing with me being hormonal. I've asked when I get my 2 days off from feeling like shite growing the baby we both want - think he got the point.

We've talked and I feel a bit better, but I've told him much as I love him if he ever makes me or our child feel as threatened by him as I felt last night he won't see me for dust.

[GypsyMoth]

Hmm, well abusive men apparently start the abuse during pregnancy. And we all say 'we know he would never hit me'

[GypsyMoth]

*some abusive men

[ShoutyHamster]

No, he actually does sound like a monster.

'He says he's finding it hard watching me go through everything I've had to and not be able to do anything'

Is he now. Well, how about he starts by washing a couple of pots? Or, better still, by being supportive to you instead of storming out and then coming home and acting like a threatening abusive bully?

Hate, hate, HATE scumbags whose excuse for being pathetic bullying twats when everything isn't peachy for them is that 'they find xxx (which always translates as offering BASIC FECKING SUPPORT LIKE A DECENT PERSON) sooo hard'

Twat. I'd chuck the shoes, they'll only remind you of what a shitscrape your husband can be when you most need his support.

[featherbag]

Didn't even get the shoes, they only had one pair left and they were 3 sizes too small.

[deanrol]

Oh the poor little diddums. Sounds like he has the empathy of a stone.

[GypsyMoth]

Was this outburst to do with alcohol consumption?

[featherbag]

I don't know tbh, not drinking myself it never occurred to me to ask how much he'd had to drink during his 3 hours in the pub. He didn't seem rolling drunk though.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"He says he's finding it hard watching me go through everything I've had to and not be able to do anything"

That rather sounds to me as if he's saying his behaviour is your fault. Which is a very bad sign.

[featherbag]

All I can really do is hope it doesn't happen again. And stick to my promise if it does.