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"stop telling me what to do or I will fucking hit you"

(37 Posts)
StickThemWithThePointyEnd Sun 25-Sep-11 11:09:44

is what my husband just snapped at me.
he is playing a stupid video game and was losing. started swearing at the tv in VERY colourful language.
I raised my voice and said "Language!!" because I don't like having to listen to this from him, even if it is aimed at the TV.
That's the response I got.

He has never been violent or threatened me before. DCs are with his mother at the moment.
when he said it, I picked up my stuff and went upstairs so I didn't have to deal with him. I can still hear him playing his game but he has calmed down.

not sure how to react, or whay to say to him about this, but I want him to know that it is totally unacceptable.

DontGoCurly Sun 25-Sep-11 11:22:01

I'd trip the electricity at the box and then have it out with him. I would absolutely bollock him out of it and let him know in no way is this acceptable. I would also make him get rid of the stupid video games. How dare he.

lolaflores Sun 25-Sep-11 11:23:34

I am with curly. Get down those stairs lady, pick that video game out of his twitchy hand and get a fucking apology. NOW!

lolaflores Sun 25-Sep-11 11:23:47

I'll be back

Blu Sun 25-Sep-11 11:28:23

I would wait until he has finished with the game and then deal with it calmly. And let him know that you will not live with someone who resports to threats of violence. And talk about responsible adult behaviour.

Tell him why you don't like swearing, but you may have to live with a certain leeway for him to act as he likes in his own home when out of earshot of the children. But this in no way mitigates him speaking to you like that.

Buthe isn't a child. Talk to him, don't resort to escalation or punishing tactics like unplugging the game.

PhilipJFry Sun 25-Sep-11 11:28:48

He has to hear what he's said is not on. And not gently either. That it's completely and utterly unacceptable to threaten you no matter what the situation is or how upset he may be (at a fucking video game, for pities sake). Please don't let him brush over this or fob it off as a joke.

bubblegumpop Sun 25-Sep-11 11:35:46

Ok. So he's still in the house, still playing games. Whilst you take refuge upstairs. Not exactly realising the gravity of the situation is he.

If you think he would carry out his threat, call the police. If not go down there and talk to him. Tell him what's what and ask him to leave the house if necessary to work out what the hell he is playing at.

Rather cold, that he is still playing. This man dosen't seem to care what he had said or done to you? That would concern me more.

StickThemWithThePointyEnd Sun 25-Sep-11 11:39:19

I think he is being completely childish to get upset at a game, especially to this degree.
I can tolerate some level of swearing when it isn't around the dcs, but when out of ten words that cross his lips eight are swearwords, and shouted at the tv, I don't want to listen to it.
his dad used to threaten and hit his mum for the duration of their 25 year marriage, ans I am not about to let him start going down that road.

I almost want to set him conditions under which he can play the game, but I am not his mother..

HerHissyness Sun 25-Sep-11 11:45:02

This is the reason I won't allow my DS to have a computer game thingy.

I realise that is potentially unhelpful, as this is a supposed grown up, but the H is being a total dick head.

I'd be tempted to switch the game off, but that may inflame things, so I'd be inclined to stand in front of the screen and say to him in a low growl that if he EVER speaks to you like that again that you WILL call the police and have him removed.

That moment has passed now, so I think I'd be inclined to get myself ready and take myself out for lunch, a spot of window shopping and leave him to get on with it. If possible I'd get back and make up a bed for him to sleep elsewhere and say that no-one speaks to me like that and gets to sleep alongside me.

Do you get on with his mother? can you go round there and tell her what he said?

StickThemWithThePointyEnd Sun 25-Sep-11 11:46:38

I think if he was going to do it, he would have done it straight away.
he is still playing.
he probably thinks I am sulking and will come down when I am finished.
I am furious and know that if I go down now I will shout and it will not be pretty...

StickThemWithThePointyEnd Sun 25-Sep-11 11:51:28

xpost.

I was considering telling his mother. she would believe me, but how do you start that conversation? oh by the way, your son threatened to hit me because I asked him to stop swearing at his playstation? confused

thisisyesterday Sun 25-Sep-11 11:52:45

i would go down there and ask him if he meant what he said.

see what his answer is

BluddyMoFo Sun 25-Sep-11 11:55:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HerHissyness Sun 25-Sep-11 11:56:48

agree with thisisyesterday.

stay ice cool calm, low voice, no shouting and listen. don't reply to him, no reaction, just get your keys and go sit with his mother.

tell her what he said. deep breath and tell her. secrecy is where this shit starts. the truth and RL support will get this stopped.

StickThemWithThePointyEnd Sun 25-Sep-11 12:00:20

I wouldn't "tell on him", I would tell her with the view that she can either have a quiet word with him or at leaat is kept in the loop, I guess, because she has been there with FIL.
I will ask him.

HerHissyness Sun 25-Sep-11 12:02:02

Bluddy, love, reign it in a little eh?

The ONLY chance of getting this stopped if it IS a nascent EA/DV situation IS by involving the outside. The vast majority of abused partners keep this kind of thing hidden, which only really serves to enable the situation to progress.

i am not saying this guy is abusive, but his dad was, and he witnessed it, on some level he may have normalised it. Unless he sees categorically that there are serious consequences for behaviour like this, he may on some level think he's got away with this and will say more and do more if unchallenged.

Abusive men very, very, very rarely stop abusing. In the extremely rare situations that they DO see the light and stop it, it's when the victim removes herself from the abuse, and all the abusers RL support goes with her. He needs to be shown short sharp shock style that this kind of treatment of his DW is unacceptable, and will never, EVER happen again.

MysteriousHamster Sun 25-Sep-11 12:02:39

My husband plays videogames (so do I, just not as often), and they are frequently very frustrating. I've been known to swear at a game in my time. But I wouldn't do it in front of kids or at my partner. If someone around me didn't like it, I wouldn't do it.

Sometimes my DH gets very grumpy while playing one and I'll remind him to chill out or something - it is difficult to do without nagging.

I don't think there's anything wrong with playing games, personally, but there is something wrong with the level of respect. If you don't like your partner swearing while playing them, he should listen. If you have to interrupt his game for whatever reason, he should listen. It might be hard for him to accept while he's in the moment but it is just a game and he can just replay that bit.

What he said to you OP is appalling and you should definitely speak to him about it. It's unacceptable no matter how much he is focusing on the game.

meditrina Sun 25-Sep-11 12:06:24

Vile.

As you say this is the first time, it's vital you get across to him the gravity of what he has just done. If it was a random, one-off event, then he should be genuinely contrite and making amends. He gets one chance to do this.

ButWhyIsTheGinGone Sun 25-Sep-11 12:41:21

Don't go down and shout. Get him to turn the fucking stupid game off and explain very clamly that if he EVER threatens you in that way again he is OUT. His reaction will be very telling. Nothing short of a genuine apology with full understanding of why you don't say thing like that to your partner is ok.

StickThemWithThePointyEnd Sun 25-Sep-11 12:52:27

He had turned it off, and I went downstairs. He tried to give a hug and kiss as if nothing happened, and I told him not to because why would I want to kiss someone who talks to me like that.
His reaction was what I expected - he was hoping that I would just act like normal.
He stalked off and sat at his desk with his back to me and said that I should know that he didn't mean it, why do I always have to start arguments? I told him it isn'acceptable to say things like that, whatever the circumstances, and that I will not be having it.
He told me not to make threats, that I am a hypocrite for making threats when I just told him not to make threats. I said that it wasn't at all the same thing, that I am not about to start accepting him talking to me like that, because this week it is swearing and threats of violence, next week it might be something else.
he said he wouldn't do that. that we aren't like his parents and he doesn't want me to be scared of him but I also need to stop making him angry.

if only he hadn't said that last bit.....

Blu Sun 25-Sep-11 12:55:16

Tell him that what he said merits an apology. An unqualified unreserved apology. Is he prepared to apologise and admit that talking to you like that is is wrong? Irrespective of how he feels about having his loud sweary game interrupted?

TheOriginalFAB Sun 25-Sep-11 12:55:27

You are not making him angry.

I would go out for thr rest of the day and leave him to it.

clam Sun 25-Sep-11 12:55:55

How does he work it that you began the argument for objecting to his abusive language and threatening to hit you?

Astounding!

TheOriginalFAB Sun 25-Sep-11 12:56:15

He needs to take responsibility for his own feelings and actions.

Blu Sun 25-Sep-11 12:56:56

And tell him you have no intention of 'sulking' and continuing a row over it, you just want to know that he is sorry for having spoken to you as he did.

Be direct and clear, and if he declines, just walk away and get on with your own day without him.

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