Please help, I really need some good advice

[mrsfassbender]

I posted the other day about leaving DH, needed financial advice and am much clearer on where I would stand in that respect.
I just need some advice on whether I am doing the right thing, I feel like I am losing it. I have been with DH for over 10 years, we got together very young and as a result all our friends etc are all enmeshed. We were mostly very happy up until about 3 years ago when I was pregnant with 2nd DC. DH went off the rails a bit, going AWOL and I left him very briefly. We ended up moving to try to be a bit more settled, and grown up.

Since then, it has been up and down and my feeling is that we have grown apart too much. We don;t have any of the same interests, our politics are different and I just look at him and wonder what I used to see, because we used to be very much in love. It doesn't help that others perceive us as this perfect family, when in fact it is only sometimes like that, but equally there are fights and DH is becoming increasingly aggressive towards me. In the last year there have been 3 or 4 incidents where he has thrown things in anger, screamed at me to shut up, that I am mental (I am on anti-depressants) and flushed my tablets down the toilet. This leads me to become frightened tearful and anxious, locking myself away in the bathroom and having suicidal thoughts. I usually sort myself out after an hour or so, and tell him I hate him and tht I want to separate... I invariably hate myself more for allowing myself to get in that state and think those things (I have had counselling for this) He then becomes apologetic etc, and goes back to being the lovely person he is 70% of the time. I just hate feeling bullied and intimidated.

We have had another argument this morning over his lack of support (I am trying to catch up on some work, he has been away the last 2 weekends and promised to take the kids out today) and it culminated in him yelling at the top of his lungs, that they were going, and to shut up. He takes me for granted, he can't cope with the kids on his own (evidenced by tears and tantrums trying to get them out the door) and I feel by turns turned off and frightened of him. On the other hand, I feel to blame for winding him up by being cut off at times,and aware of the fact that he works his backside off to support us. Please can I have some words of advice on what you would do here? I feel like I can't talk to our friends as it would be a betrayal. I am shaking and feeling sick when I should be doing some bloody work.. Thank you x

[peterpan99]

firstly id like to give you a big hug.
What your living through sounds awful. I think that a lot of people supporting people with depression can find it quite difficult. Is there a chance that this could be the problem?
Obviously this is no excuse for treating you the way he does as it is not your fault you are depressed.
Have you thought about going to couples councelling?

[mrsfassbender]

Thank you (tears starting again now!) I do agree that it could well be the problem. I had depression after first DC was born but it passed more quickly and without drugs. I had a very extreme birth experience with DC2, meant I was in hospital for some time after without baby, and it triggered PTSD, so I had quite a lot of counselling. DH was supportive at first, but his attitude is very much "get on with it". I am getting better now, and have a good support network...I don't know if I somehow associate him with the darker times if you see what I mean? I feel like he doesn't care a lot of the time, he struggles to express himself, or show emotion, so he bottles it up and then he explodes.
I think couple's counselling is a good idea, I looked at it when he was going through his AWOL phase but let it slip. I don't know if he would give it a chance but I won't know unless I ask.
I don't know if it's just too late for us. I am scared if I stay, his next outburst will be a violent one and I won't forgive myself if that happens.

[buzzskillington]

Whatever's behind it, his behaviour to you is unacceptable and abusive. The aggression and bullying needs to stop and he is the one responsible for that, not you. Don't take on what is his problem as yours.

Consider counselling, yes, but I think individually, rather than together. You might need to live apart until this is resolved - you shouldn't be living in fear.

You might benefit from calling Women's Aid.

Remember - he is the one who went off the rails - he is the one who went AWOL - he is the one who is aggressive and violent. Living with someone who is depressed is hard, but this stuff was happening before your dc2 was born and your more serious experience of depression. You might find that your mental health would improve without him around.

[fuzzywuzzy]

He flushed your medication down the toilet & you feel to blame?

Call women's aid & sort out therapy for you.

You think you'll lose muual friends but you migh find a lot tell you they were worried for you & didn't know how to say.

You're not responsible for his actions. He chooses to behave the way he does, he's not a little toddler.

[mrsfassbender]

Thanks for your replies. He's not usually aggressive, our friends have certainly never seen him like that, it has only happened a few times and always when we are alone.
I agree that his behaviour is like a toddler, like he can't control himself, and I have told him that...that it's like having another child (altho the other 2 are lovely!!)
buzz, your comment on my mental health improving without him is sort of what I feel deep down, that the distress he causes me is having this effect. When he is away I am ok. It is confusing because he was always my source of comfort in the past, I had a rough childhood and he helped me work through a lot of what that left me with. That was in the beginning though, I feel like it's all soured, I don't associate the person he is now with the person he used to be, and I think I am bringing out this ugly character because I am withdrawing from him. He is so rubbish at saying how he feels about anything, so I think this anger is because of that. Last time this all happened, I said I wanted to split etc and he said if I left him, his life would end. His friends have made similar remarks to me in the past, that he would be destroyed if we ever split (this was before our troubles).
another point (sorry, I am on a roll now) he never compliments me, ever, and this is something that used to upset me but now I see as a form of control. He told me once that if I thought I could do better than him I was wrong, but I think deep down he is insecure.
I have left a message with our local Relate and hope they'll ring me tomorrow. I thought I just heard him arrive and felt like I was going to throw up, but luckily it's not him. No idea where he's taken the kids as he refused to answer when I asked.

[buzzskillington]

You know what the fact that the aggression only happens when no-one else is around means? That he is actually choosing to behave that way - he's in control. If he couldn't help himself like a toddler, it would show itself around others - but no. He can put on a show for your friends, and make out how wonderful he is, but when alone he's quite happy to make you afraid.

It's not right that you feel physically sick that it might be him arriving.

Please have a chat to Women's Aid.

[mrsfassbender]

I agree it's not right to feel this way, I do have anxiety issues added to the mix.
His aggression isn't that calculated, this morning for example when he lost it, our neighbour was standing right outside our window, the window was open, and DH knew he could hear everything, but he didn't care (we get on really well with our neighbours) He has rowed with me in front of our friends before, and they knew when he was being an idiot when I was pregnant as I was ringing them up looking for him.
He changed his ways a lot, I just can't help feeling partly to blame for his outbursts, I have changed a lot myself over the years and I see that I was always prepared to do anything for him, and I sacrificed a lot for him, always put him first and I don't want to anymore. We argued yesterday because he has finally arranged a babysitter for next weekend (the last time we went out together was about 9 months ago) and his plan is to take me to the football! I told him I didn't want to go, and that I was annoyed that he expected me to waste a precious afternoon off sitting in the cold etc. He was more shocked than annoyed.
I feel like I am waking up and wondering what the hell I have been thinking.

[mrsfassbender]

this will sound mean, but I don't really care about losing friends if they choose to take sides.

My fear is more in getting away from him, and in trying to keep things as calm as possible whilst doing so. I just feel really terrified, and am worried about the effect on my DCs who deserve to have a good family life.

[buzzskillington]

I see, so it's been all his way and now you're occasionally thinking "but what about me?"

It must indeed be a horrible shock to him .

[mrsfassbender]

Yes, quite!! I think this is all coinciding with me having a rather massive "what about what I want?" moment in my life and it seems that being unhappy is definitely not on that list

[buzzskillington]

Get yourself some good legal advice and start making your exit plan. CAB might be a good starting point and Women's Aid (sorry, keeping going on about them).

A smaller family unit can be a very happy healthy family unit.

[mrsfassbender]

I just tried to ring women's aid and then hung up, I feel like I would be wasting time they need to spend on someone in danger. I am going to try and see someone at CAB tomorrow if possible, and I have started making a finances list. I am shit scared, I really am. I thought I was a strong person, obviously not!

[peterpan99]

Hi MrsFas just wondering if your feeling any better today?xx

[mummytime]

Women's aid are just as much for people like you just look at the website. They have experience of all the things you need to think about.
Do also talk to your GP.

I wonder if your H was nice to you when you were needy, but as you are less dependent he is acting in this way to try to regain control over you.

I also think if you separate you may find that lots of people come out of the woodwork to say that they saw through him?

Please take care of yourself.

[mrsfassbender]

Thank you Peterpan! I am thank you, we had a long talk last night and I was honest about wanting to separate. He was calm about it, said he doesn't want to split but feels he doesn't know if he can make me happy anymore. He apologised for yelling, said he's just exhausted and taking it out on me (youngest DC not sleeping at all well at the mo and he gets up as much as I do in the night). We're going to relate fingers crossed next week. I feel like a weight has been lifted to be honest, he knows the score now and there was no drama about it.
I really want to say thanks for the messages, thank you for the support xx

[buzzskillington]

Oh I'm glad you're feeling more positive. I hope it works out the way you'd like.

[mrsfassbender]

Thank you buzz, and I have taken on board what you said about the behaviour, and about having that plan in place. I am concurrently planning shall we say, the agreement to try and make it work, and plan B if it doesn't!

[peterpan99]

thats great news! I really hope the councelling works for you and you can sort things out
x

[buzzskillington]

I've been thinking and I really didn't want to live up (or down) to my name of buzzkill, but then again I feel uncomfortable not saying it... If he is abusive, counselling together may actually make things worse by giving him fresh tools to use against you: a joint counsellor is likely to be coming from the perspective he/she is talking to two reasonable people . It might help him hone some blame-shifting and bait & switch tactics, amongst other things.

I'm glad you have plan B in your back pocket. Maybe you could read something like 'Why Does he Do That?' or the EA threads so that you're prepared for the worst, while hoping for the best.

[cestlavielife]

exhausted ok might mean he yells over something petty - but how does that turn to flushing your tablets down the toilet?
that is sucha deliberate act - it isnt a "i'm feeling a bit tired sorri i shouted" kinda thing.. .

i dont buy sorri i am tired so i am taking it out on you line - no justification at all.

be wary. but if he says yes to counselling hmm maybe... but watch for him turning it onto your fault.

keep a (secret) journal with incidents over next few weeks - what he says/does and what happened to trigger it.
and what you did next.

[barkwithnobite]

Taking into account that there are two sides to every story, I think counselling will be useful for you both. For some reason, I read your post and your DH doesn't sound like a typical dickhead! I think he's frustrated and you both have a lot going on. Counselling has helped me understand what my DH is thinking much more because he also is terrible at expressing his feelings unless he's drunk or angry. In the past when I explained my feelings to him, it came across like I was nagging at times - the counsellor really helped explain things in bitesizes! Really works,..... Try marriagecare.... Good luck Hun... Contrary to what most ladies say on MN, I don't think one should up and leave at any sign of trouble......marriage WILL always have challenges...I hope yours are not insurmountable...

[barkwithnobite]

P.s.... I think the flushing of pills was terrible, but I'm giving him the benefit of doubt for now.....one off?