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Upset by dh's fantasies

(241 Posts)
bewilderedandbefuddled Sun 25-Sep-11 08:35:35

Hello, I've namechanged for this and would appreciate some advice

dh is currently working abroad. On the phone last night he went from saying how much he missed me to how much he wanted me etc. It then transpired that he's been looking at amateur porn videos online for quite a while (it seems he doesn't like industry porn but enjoys videos posted by real couples - he says he has never emailed or messaged anyone and has never watched a live show). Whilst I'm not thrilled by this, I'm not unduly bothered either.

However, after admitting there were things he would love to try with me, I pressed him and he came out with the following:

a) he would love me to have sex with a well-endowed man. dh wouldn't want to watch or be there. I asked if this was just a fantasy but it seems it's something he would actually like us to do. He said there are adverts were couples advertise for another person, went on to say how we could arrange a hotel room, he could wait in the lobby. He claims it's a huge turn-on forhim to think of another man who's really professional pleasuring me and giving me wild sex

b) he would like to film me using a toy on myself (not my face if I wasn't comfortable with this) and post it online. He would also like to film him penetrating me slowly and post it online.

c) he would like to have sex outdoors

d) he would like us to play games where we each have to do what the other says for a day or a set period of hours with a code word to stop proceedings if we are uncomfortable with anything. My mind boggled as to why we would need a code word but it seems he is envisaging taking me to a club, sitting at the bar watching me while I pretend he isn't there and dance/kiss/make out with strangers - whatever I want

e) he wished we had a whole room devoted to sex toys with ropes and swings from the ceiling

I can't tell you how bewildered I feel by all of the above. I am currently pregnant with our third child so I'm guessing he's not planning any of this now. To me the above list reads like an adolescent porn fantasy, not something a man would say to his wife. We been together over ten years, been through some rocky times, sex life has suffered but we're trying to get back on track.

I was wondering if he was after an opening to introduce another woman into his life - ie offer me a chance with another man so that he gets to sleep with another woman but he is adamant that this is not the case and claims it's the idea of my pleasure that turns him on.

However, I feel quite tearful that he would even consider me with another person. I love him and would be far too jealous to even imagine him with someone else - I'm shocked that this would be ok for him from my side. Our sex life has always been pretty vanilla - never a hint that he was thinking any of these things.

Last night I was expecting him to say he missed me, would love to kiss me, make love to me etc What he said was the opposite of intimate and loving and, like I said, just smacks of someone caught up in his own private porn world.

I didn't say much last night, was too shocked, he seemed a bit sheepish at the end and seemed worried that i was upset. I said I heard one of the kids stirring to get off the phone.

What would you think if your partner told you the above? I'm so upset but don't know if I'm being prudish and hormonal. I would never do any of the things he wants and I'm so hurt by it all. It didn't feel like I was talking to my dh. Sorry this is so long and rambling.

CheerfulYank Sun 25-Sep-11 08:43:00

I don't have any practical advice right now (v v late here) but I didn't want you to go unanswered. I don't think it's at all odd for you to feel the way you're feeling. I'll give it some thought and be back later.

Sorry you're going through this, especially while pregnant.

crystalglasses Sun 25-Sep-11 08:46:25

Don't know what to think. It sounds as if he's missing you but translating his porn fantasies to real life. I would feel very uncomfortable if I had this conversation with my dh but who knows what people fanatasise about. Most don't put it into practice.

Grumpla Sun 25-Sep-11 08:48:23

Was he drunk? His timing sounds absolutely dreadful!

I think you need to tell him how upset you are and how it has made you feel, but perhaps this is something you could address when he is back in the country?

TBH I would be much more unhappy with his 'wishlist' if it included 'industry' porn, humiliation fantasies etc - but that is just me, and it doesn't mean you don't have a right to be upset by this! I think what he is talking about is probably fairly common and not deeply unhealthy but whilst there should always be room in a relationship to discuss (and if both people are happy) perhaps incorporate some elements of fantasy into your sex life, choosing a moment when he is far from home and you are knackered & pregnant is bizarre to say the least. Talking about that sort of thing should be done in an atmosphere of trust / intimacy.

The thing about fantasy is that the human imagination is a very strong thing. You certainly don't have to start fucking strangers in hotels to 'fulfill' some of these fantasies! Just talking / role play (IF you were happy with this) would be enough, I suspect.

But you know what? The other good thing about fantasies is that they can stay in someone's head. If you're not happy / aroused by any of this, then your husband will just have to save it for the wank bank. End of.

hairylights Sun 25-Sep-11 08:48:24

You're not being prudish. If that stuff turns you off it doesn't make you prudish. I dint know what to say otter than that and I hope you find some way to resolve things. Dint be pushed into doing things you don't want to do.

solidgoldbrass Sun 25-Sep-11 08:49:17

Well, these are all things that some people do and enjoy, and none of them sound dangerous or disgusting to me.
However, that doesn't mean that you have to engage in practices that you don't like the sound of. Your H has been brave to share his sexual fantasies with you - why don't you tell him some of yours? Then the two of you can find out what common ground you have and work out what things you would like to try and what totally puts you off.

You do sound, a little, as though you are not very keen on sex and find it all a bit icky. While you have a right to your own sexuality and your own feelings, it would be a shame if you let a repressive upbringing stop you having fun.

Conflugenglugen Sun 25-Sep-11 08:49:52

bewildered - I think the most important thing here is that you are not comfortable with his requests. That's really the only thing that counts. Sex should be consensual, on every level.

The fantasies that your DH has might be utterly normal for another couple. For you, however, they are not, and I feel that you need to honour your feelings about that.

Conflugenglugen Sun 25-Sep-11 08:51:11

sgb - my thoughts exactly. This might be an opportunity to have a frank and open discussion about sex, about fantasy, and about desire.

PonceyMcPonce Sun 25-Sep-11 08:52:17

Sounds to me that the he spending waaaay too much time alone and waaaaay too much time looking at porn.

I would also guess that you are very busy and in maternal mode with two dc and growing a person and so are miles away from where he is at the moment.

The fantasies themselves are just a bit yuk (no headless chickens/underage people/whips etc) but exactly the sort of stuff he should keep to himself. Especially when you are in need of love, support and nurturing.

If it were me, I think I'd make it clear he is going off at a bit of a tangent right now, and that it is really not working for you.

Short term I think he should lay off the pron and and read a book. longer term getting a job nearer to home and reconnecting withe you and his family.

Sex room indeed! Thus is the point where he should be thinking loft conversions for extra bedrooms not sex swings fgs!

You poor old thing!

BelleEnd Sun 25-Sep-11 08:54:30

I think he's watching too much porn and perhaps not realizing that if those things were brought into real life, it wouldn't be as wonderful as he may imagine.

RitaMorgan Sun 25-Sep-11 08:58:03

I don't think there is anything wrong with his fantasies - and why shouldn't you share fantasies with your partner? I have shared much more interesting things with DP.

But OP, if you are not into that kind of thing, and feel uncomfortable hearing about it - tell him. Agree with SGB - why not tell him what you fantasise about and find some common ground?

Cheaptrick Sun 25-Sep-11 09:06:11

I personal think you have a good relationship as your husband feels comfortable to tell you this in the first place. I would thank him for his honesty and the fact he feels he can talk to you. At least his fantasies are about you and he loves you.

I think it sounds more him trying to talk dirty on the phone to you than wanting it in rl.

You should tell him that this is not your thing and sleeping with anyone else is not what you want. There is no money for a sex room. If you think about it praticaly there is no time to put any of what he wants into rl.

Did he say he really wanted you to do this or that he had be thinking about it, as they are to seprate things.

Being pg this is not what you need right now and you should tell him but dont put him down for his fantasies or that he told you.

babyhammock Sun 25-Sep-11 09:08:30

He's not just fantasising though is he, he's got the logistics all planned out!

She's pregnant FFS and he's trying to arrange some random with a big knob to sort her out... (shakes head)

bewilderedandbefuddled Sun 25-Sep-11 09:09:34

Thanks for so many thoughtful replies already and for making me laugh at "save it for the wank bank"

glad no one has exclaimed either "what a monster!" or "get over yourself, you big prude!"

BelleEnd, I hope that he has just got carried away with the fantasy and wouldn't enjoy it so much in real-life. I just find it all a bit yuk as Poncey said.

I wouldn't say I'm repressed, sgb but our sex life has certainly suffered over the past few years. I'm definitely more in mum-mode than wife-mode most of the time. My two children have only just starting sleeping through the night lately and I'm uncomfortable at night now myself being pregnant and feel knackered all the time. Also, I know I'm guilty of using sex as a weapon, withholding it when I'm upset with him about other things. I know this isn't nice of me or healthy for our relationship and I am aware of it now. There is definitely scope for us to talk about how to improve things and even share fantasies - but it's the fact that he actually looked into seeing how he could set me up with another man that I find so unsettling and upsetting. I just don't understand how he could bear it. I wouldn't mind him talking about it in the right context as long as it was strictly a fantasy.

Part of my unease at it all was that it was so unexpected - I was lying in bed, exhausted in my grubby old pyjamas with a cup of tea and would have loved him to tell me how much he missed me and couldn't wait to see me. Everything he said was so un-intimate and unloving.

Glad I didn't pounce on him though - can't have been easy for him to share his little porn-world dreams, will try to tread gently

babyhammock Sun 25-Sep-11 09:10:10

I asked if this was just a fantasy but it seems it's something he would actually like us to do. He said there are adverts were couples advertise for another person, went on to say how we could arrange a hotel room, he could wait in the lobby.

SueNarmy Sun 25-Sep-11 09:11:54

I think it's the idea that things aren't on as they are that would make me sad. And the suggestion that being unfaithful would excite him.

Wonder if he is being faithful?

PonceyMcPonce Sun 25-Sep-11 09:15:10

I'm not sure that means you have used sex as a weapon. Why should you have sex with someone if you are kissed off with them?

I really think he sounds detached and unrealistic - lactating new mum seeks random with big knob for brief encounter?

Needs a big dose of reality and thoughtfulness.

Cheaptrick Sun 25-Sep-11 09:16:49

I think there are lots of men that have fantasies about their wife/partners sleeping with other men. I think its to do with the woman being more attractive as lots of people want her but she wants only him!

These fantasies do not mean he is being unfaithful - just spending too much time alone and watching too much porn.

Just talk to him and bring him back down to earth as gently as you can would be my advice.

bewilderedandbefuddled Sun 25-Sep-11 09:19:04

cheaptrick, I'm laughing at "there is no money for a sex room". I'm sure he would find the cash if he thought money was the only objection!

He did seem to want to carry out his stranger in a hotel room fantasy - but I hope he wouldn't really want to go through with it even if I agreed (which I never could - I just don't get why this would turn him on, or posting videos of me/us online, I'd be more comfortable with sharing things just between the two of us even if it involved some outlandish talk/fantasies)

I just turned on my phone and there was a text from him from last night saying "You are my only fantasy, I miss you and your body so much. I love you." I think he might be worried he shocked/upset me.

Chandon Sun 25-Sep-11 09:22:16

well, he did open up to you. Even if you didn't like what he said. He must be a bit caught up in his porn world.

I have never told my DH my deepest darkest fantasies, but then, I don't think I want them to become true...?

You could always get him to read some of the feminist threads on porn, and how porn can ruin intimacy between real men and women. I do think porn can be quite damaging and addictive.

bewilderedandbefuddled Sun 25-Sep-11 09:23:25

Poncey, sometimes I certainly don't feel like it when I 'm cross with him about other things - but there are times when I would enjoy being intimate with him and know it would probably help to put whatever thing we're fighting about behind us and yet part of me thinks "well, i'm not putting out because you did this and this and this..." as if he doesn't deserve sex because of whatever supposed crime he has committed. I let other gripes spill over into our sex life too easily

Cheaptrick Sun 25-Sep-11 09:23:46

He probibly is worried how you have taken it all grin

bewilderedandbefuddled Sun 25-Sep-11 09:25:02

Chandon, I do think he has been watching way too much of it and it has skewed his view of what's normal - or at least what might be normal for us

bewilderedandbefuddled Sun 25-Sep-11 09:26:29

I get quite tearful thinking of our wedding day, the vows we made to each other and how much I was in love with him - never in a million years could I have imagined him saying "go have sex with another man"

PonceyMcPonce Sun 25-Sep-11 09:27:05

Hmm, I think sex is too integrated for me. If I have the hump, there is no humping!

Is he due home soon, I think you probably need some lovely, bonding, reconnecting sex. Of course that is very easy with a giant bump and toddlers!

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