Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Can a long distance relationship REALLY work? Be honest with me please before it goes any further

(11 Posts)
Iamamesswhy Sat 24-Sep-11 21:30:52

I have been friend with this man for very long time now (4.5 years) and we have recently iniciated an intimate relathionship. However just at the start he moved away and he now lives 5 hours away from where I am (he used to live in the same city). He is really nice, understanding, we have good fun together and we both love spending time with each other. I am sure he will have bad things but I think it may be worth it. He is 20 years older than me and has been very supportive throughout my separation and still is. He has made me feel things that I have not felt in many years and it really feels very nice.

I am missing him a lot and he is also missing me a lot (or so does he say) but I am completely aware that he won't move back to where I live and I won't be moving to where he lives. Also I am not sure if I really want a serious relathionship or just a friend with benefits, hard to decide as I am not convince I am ready to give more than I am giving right now. He knows as we have talked about it and he is fine and won't be putting any pressure on me.

So my question would be if anyone can give me some advice on how a relation can work if you only see each other two weekends a month. Does it really work? Or do you have to move where the other person lives to make it work?

A bit confused so any help much appreciated. Thank you in advance

AlfalfaMum Sat 24-Sep-11 21:52:47

A different situation, but DH and I had a long distance relationship for the first few years. It was very nice and romantic, we saw eachother about one weekend a month, and went on holidays together. In a way, you get all the lovely fun stuff, without any of the day-to-day hassle.
It only got really hard after about a year and a half of this, when I'd miss him so much it hurt.
We always did plan to get married and live in the same place eventually (well, from fairly early on..).

It is more difficult to sort out any little relationship problems from a distance, but not impossible.

If you don't really want a serious relationship anyway it could be ideal indefinitely.

cecilyparsley Sat 24-Sep-11 21:54:31

I guess it depends what you mean by 'work' or what elements a relationship has to have for you to feel as if it works.
There are no rules that say a relationship has no value unless it progresses to a situation where you live together.

I guess it will work for as long as you are both happy with the situation, a relationship doesnt have to be 'until death us do part' to have been worthwhile

Iamamesswhy Sat 24-Sep-11 22:12:51

AlfalfaMum: what did you do when you really fancied seen your partner and he was not there? How did you do deal with that?

We have not seen each other for the last three weeks and I have had a challanging week and I would have liked him to be closer to have a nice chat and a few hugs and support and it was not possible. WShat do you do in this situation?

As you said it could be ideal for the time being, who knows?

JeanBodel Sat 24-Sep-11 22:15:53

I went out with DH for 7 years before I married him. In fact, we didn't live together until six months after the wedding.

We were quite young at the time and at different unis, then different jobs, sometimes different countries.

Long-distance relationships can work, but imo neither of the persons involved should be high-maintenance. If you are quite happy on your own doing your own thing, then go for it. If you really need your partner to be around for you to enjoy the evening, then I think you'll find it much harder.

JeanBodel Sat 24-Sep-11 22:16:19

Before we lived in the same city, that should read.

WidowWadman Sat 24-Sep-11 22:44:54

For a limited amount of time, i.e. with the plan to ultimately get rid of the distance it can work. When I first met my husband we were living in different countries. Were friends for a year, than got together and long distance relationship before I moved countries to be with him. Have been here now for 6 years and we've got 2 kids, so yes it definitely can work.

The internet is very helpful. LDR need communication and a lot of it.

nenevomito Sat 24-Sep-11 22:47:15

My long distance relationship is now my DH, but we did it the other way around in that we met when we lived apart and he then relocated to be with me.

madonnawhore Sat 24-Sep-11 22:52:51

There's no reason why it can't work as long as you are both on the clear understanding that you're exclusive. And as long as you have a regular routine of seeing each other.

Reading between the lines though, it sounds to me like you would prefer to be in a relationship that was more accessible. And it sounds like maybe you feel this set up won't actually work for you in terms of what you need, but because you like this guy, you are willing to put your needs on hold while you see how it goes.

I can understand why that would make you uneasy.

I guess it's a question of whether the trade off of your needs vs being with him is worth it.

Trying it for 6 months and seeing how it pans out doesn't seem like an outlandish idea. Might as well give it a go and if it's really not for you, then you guys can make a call on the situation then.

cory Sat 24-Sep-11 23:00:14

Dh and I had a long distance relationship for 7 years (or 10, depending on how you count it)- and this was in the days before texting/emails etc and we were so poor we could only afford phone calls on rare occasions. And we were at opposite ends of the North Sea.

We were very young though, which I think helped (more resilient) and we knew we would eventually come together.

My db also has a long distance relationship with his son's mum.

Iamamesswhy Sun 25-Sep-11 15:07:27

So it can work!!!!

Madonnawhore: you are completely right in a sense that I may need a bit more in the near future but as you say I could give it a go and see how it goes. It wouldn't hurt anyone by trying I guess.

Thanks to all of you for your comments. I guess we will need to have a chat and see how we do things.

Thanks again

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now