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playing house, but will he marry me?

(91 Posts)
iwanttohelp Sat 24-Sep-11 19:24:51

Met DP 3 years ago, lived together for 2. He has two children from his previous marriage (15 years) and I have a dd myself.

He had just finished an awful divorce when we met, but things went along nicely.

We now live together, I'm step mum (as such) to his kids and its gone pretty ok.

We've always talked about marriage, and we've both always been keen, likewise another child between us.

Lately I feel like I've shot myself in the foot. DP happy to try for a baby, but seems weird over marriage.

Now when it comes up I get "well I want enough money to do it properly, get you a nice ring and have a nice wedding, so I can't do that yet". I was expecting to be engaged by now tbh, and we're not.

We had a row over it today, where I snapped and said you. Can't ask someone to look after your kids, look after the house and be a "wife" yet not actually marry them! I told him that there isn't an infinite amount of time I will wait.

He is apparently disappointed that I'm being like that, says he mustnt be pressured, and if I'm going to issue ultimatums I will wait forever. It feels a bit like put up or fuck off at the moment.

I feel he has no need to marry me, after all, he has the wife now, without the risk of a divorce again. I want to get married.

I don't know if I'm being too pushy, or if he is just taking the piss. I know he loves me, but is this on his terms?

His divorce ( which was not to do with me) crippled him financially, so maybe the money aspect is true, but I don't like the whole I'll do it if I want to aspect of the discussion. We have a home, a life, step children and he wants another ffs! So why NOT marry me?
Sorry if reads odd, trying to do this on my phone.

SirSugar Sat 24-Sep-11 19:27:04

why do you need to be married?

Gigondas Sat 24-Sep-11 19:32:13

Is it really the money thing ? That's fixable either by talking or bia a pre nup -i knowothers don't like this but having a proper one does set out clearly what would happen I. Split and takes the "what if I am cleaned out" issue away.

But why does he want a big wedding? That's weird as I would think value is in the relationship not the big dress or is it something he 1. Didn't do first time 2 thinks owes you as he loves you.

Having said all that it does sound odd- dh had hideous bitter and expensiv divorce form ex but we were engaged within 6 months and married just over a year (and ttc). Obviously all Situations are different but am just using that to illustrate I dont think you are being unreasonable to feel as you do and think what is going on.

BlowHole Sat 24-Sep-11 19:34:09

Why do you feel so strongly that you want to be married?

HerHissyness Sat 24-Sep-11 19:34:25

I think you have every right to demand this to be honest.

You can get a pre-nup if he's so scared, get it all hammered out before hand and agreed.

He does seem to have it all. Is it his house? If so, as it stands now, and even if you had a child, You have no financial security at the moment, so you are potentially financially exposed. Even if you got married if he bought the house before your marriage, you may not be automatically entitled to anything.

Start playing him the Beyonce record... grin

iwanttohelp Sat 24-Sep-11 19:34:38

I don't need to be, but I'd like to be his wife.

I'd like to feel that he wanted to make the commitment.

I'm mid 30s and he's mid 40s, he's been married before, so I can't see why he would struggle with marriage again.

HerHissyness Sat 24-Sep-11 19:35:09

..still can't get over that video, and the guy in it...

HerHissyness Sat 24-Sep-11 19:36:23

If he is committed enough to want to have a child with you (lifelong sodding commitment) then marriage is a walk in the part in comparison.

iwanttohelp Sat 24-Sep-11 19:40:09

Herhissyness, yes its his house, I have my own house which is rented.

He is a stubborn sod. Its like the more you push the harder he digs in, and I'm a pusher, and I get quite angry.

I know hed like to get a nice ring and pay for a nice wedding, and that's fine. But I'd at least like a ring, even if we save until we can marry. It would make me feel happier. Rightly or wrongly, I would like to see that bit of commitment to me.

SingOut Sat 24-Sep-11 19:43:11

'I'd like to feel that he wanted to make the commitment'

Bingo, this is your problem. It's not marriage after nagging ,or after another 5 years, or under duress. You want him to want it. Fair enough.

Unfortunately it doesn't seem he does, want it I mean. So now you have to figure out how you feel about that and what (if anything) you are going to do. You can't make someone feel he way you do about something, and it's crushingly disappointing when you discover you and your beloved aren't on the same page when you assumed, thought or hoped you were. Big sympathies.

iwanttohelp Sat 24-Sep-11 20:10:19

I do wonder if I've made it all too easy? I mean why would he want to get married? He's got it all already hasn't he? Nice home, washing done etc, so I can see why he feels no need to move it on.

Its a difficult one, and I don't know the best way forward, especially as discussing isn't my thing. I get angry and upset and say too much.

I don't know if I'm pushing and making him dig his heels in.

He seemed very put out when I said I wouldn't wait forever, which to me seems perfectly reasonable really.

unavailable Sat 24-Sep-11 20:48:32

I dont understand why you feel the way you do. What do you mean by "making it too easy for him"? If you were unhappy about living together before marriage you obviously wouldnt have moved in.

Are you happy together? What do you think would be different for you if you were to marry?

If my partner told me they would leave me if I didnt marry them, I would feel our relationship was on dodgy ground and marriage would therefore not be on my wish list.

iwanttohelp Sat 24-Sep-11 20:55:27

What I mean is the whole "why buy the cow" thing.

I was happy to live together, but I made it clear that I wanted to get married. He was quite clear that he wanted that too.

Now I seem to be his wife in all but name. I cook, clean and look after everyone, but all of a sudden he mustn't be pushed into anything.

I don't generally like or do ultimatums, but neither do I want to wake up in 15 years and discover he won't marry me and I've stayed and waited for something he won't give.

To be fair he hasn't said he won't, I just feel put on lately with all the kids, the house etc, and maybe I want to see he loves ME and wants ME, not just someone to do the cooking and cleaning

acrunchieandacupoftea Sat 24-Sep-11 20:57:04

So have you told him you feel it is very important to you to be married and to have a wedding ring on your finger or you don't want to live together?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 24-Sep-11 20:58:49

I think that if he really wanted to marry you he would have done so by now.
He will never marry and I think he has just given you excuses and poor ones at that.

He needs to realise as well that a cohabitation split could be just as messy and protracted. You could well be left with nothing; legally you are not related to each other and your own legal position is extremely vulnerable.

I would go to Relate solely if he won't go and talk this issue through.

unavailable Sat 24-Sep-11 21:10:31

Is this really about a marriage certificate or is it about you feeling there is a power imbalance in your relationship?

If it is the latter, and you are feeling taken for granted, then I think you should address that first.

Mollydoggerson Sat 24-Sep-11 21:17:55

Why do you want to be married to someone who doesn't want it? Surely if he married you just to keep you happy and not for a genuine wish to be married himself, then it would be a hollow gesture.

I can see why he might have lost faith in marriage or lost value in it.

I still don't really understand why you want to be married so badly, personally I'ld prefer if we didn't bother with marriage (or else a registry office marriage would have done), all the high jinks of marriage, the pomp and the show, who really benefits from all the fuss?

Why do you want marriage?
Religious reasons
A public display of unity
The legal and financial unity/security.

I suppose you need to make up your mind is the marriage cert really important enough for you, that you are prepared to walk away. There is no point in issueing ultimations unless you are prepared to stand by them.

SheCutOffTheirTails Sat 24-Sep-11 21:17:56

Why the fuck are you acting like a housewife when you have none of the advantages of being a wife?

In fact, why are you doing all the cooking and cleaning anyway? He's a single parent of two children. But you moved into his home and started looking after all the housework?

For why? Seriously? Why would you do that?

You seem to have a very 1950s idea of yourself and what you are worth.

A man who will lie to you about wanting to get married until it is hard for you to back out and who then feels he has "milk for free" is a nasty, chauvinist prick and you should walk away from him anyway.

And as for all this bollocks about him "digging in his heels" if you make any demands whatsoever about your relationship - well there you have his worth as a person = he's the kind of guy who wants to hold this marriage promise over you, keep you waiting and hoping, and run the whole thing entirely on his timetable, according to his whim.

Which, it seems, he has done up until now.

Forcing someone to wait for a marriage they want so you can buy them a ring they don't care about is controlling, manipulative, "I'm the boss" shit.

He's a bad guy.

Don't have a baby with him FGS.

Now you're starting to see why his last wife divorced him.

iwanttohelp Sat 24-Sep-11 21:18:42

I do feel taken for granted at the moment. The divorce was awful, and there are issues with his ex/children which affect us even now.

I know he feels pulled on all fronts, but often I feel put upon on all fronts.

Its like he was married for so long, that he has seamlessly slipped into a "marriage" with me, with me taking on the wife role.

He was financially wrecked by his divorce, the settlement still has repurcussions now for him, so I do believe the financial aspect of a wedding is a problem for him.

Its difficult because I feel quite emotional about this.

RabbitPie Sat 24-Sep-11 21:18:55

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SheCutOffTheirTails Sat 24-Sep-11 21:19:33

"who really benefits from all the fuss?"

Women.

Particularly women who look after the children.

Mollydoggerson Sat 24-Sep-11 21:20:50

Well then it's more a business agreement than an outpouring of love.

passthechocolates Sat 24-Sep-11 21:21:26

I am in a similar position, in my 30's with him being in his 40's and we both have kids from previous relationships.
We have been together for 3 years now, and I would dearly loved to get married, however I pushed my DS father into a proposal and wedding - which I knew deep down he did not want, only for it all to be cancelled when he panicked and left me.
My other half has been married beofre too, and it was a pretty messy divorce, I just think once you have been married you don't have the desire or rush when you have not.
If you are not happy with some aspects of your relationships a wedding won't change anything, it will still be the same, you need to speak to him about how your feeling - tough I know!
All I can say is please don't let he wedding issue dominate your thoughts, no one likes to feel pressurised or pushed into a corner - he clearly knows how you feel, so my advice would be to drop the conversation totally. Concentrate instead on letting him know how you feel, and it never hurts to spend some time on yourself and realise how great you are and how he should be lucky to have you!

SheCutOffTheirTails Sat 24-Sep-11 21:22:35

Agree with Rabbit, except I'd find his behaviour up until now a big massive red flag of dickness.

But if you do want him, you need to remind him that you are more than just a convenient replacement for his last household appliance.

"the financial aspect of a wedding is a problem for him"

the financial aspect of a wedding is nothing. you can get married for free if you want to.

TheFlyingOnion Sat 24-Sep-11 21:26:53

OP I had this with XP. He had everything the way he wanted - I waited 4 years for him to marry me and nothing happened. Eventually I left.

I'm now not prepared to move in with DP until we're at least engaged, if not married. Seems old fashioned I know, but tbh while I'm holding some of the cards I'm making sure I get what I want!!

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