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Any point trying to change a controlling man?

(33 Posts)
acrunchieandacupoftea Sat 24-Sep-11 19:22:03


I'm looking for some advice please.

I've been on a few dates with a man and the dates were good, he even met my friends over dinner who all thought he was lovely.

Due to an event and the distance he lives from me he ended up staying the night last night and I KNOW that I rushed that when I was not ready. Then I had two comments from him that made alarm bells ring,

number 1) that I am messy! as soon as he got in my flat. (my flat is currently as tidy and neat as it ever looks)

number 2) that I ought to use my vacuum cleaner more and if i have the day free i should spend it cleaning.

This may be true, but my flat is busy not dirty. Crowded but neat...
So, I felt really upset today and decided I don't need a controlling (lets add in rude, ungrateful, critical and bossy) man in my life.

However he phoned me today, I burst into tears, and also explained that he had been rude etc. and he claims he is really shocked and he didn't mean to be like this (but I can't call him rude because of one sentence, one idiotic 'joke') also qualifying this with acknowleging that I do a good job as a single mum and complimenting me on having my own home and running it well etc.

Basically my question is, does anyone think it is worth it to stand up to him and don't let him boss me about... Or is this alarm bell in my head telling me he is 'controlling' indicative of his inbuilt personality which can't be changed?

SirSugar Sat 24-Sep-11 19:24:50

tell him to fuck off

bran Sat 24-Sep-11 19:29:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirSugar Sat 24-Sep-11 19:30:00

and his jokes stink

issey6cats Sat 24-Sep-11 19:33:38

get shut if hes critisizing your housekeeping at such an early stage of the relationship believe me having been there it will escalate to the stage where you will have no friends or family that you can contact easily as he will isolate you, better to drop him now than later when he has done a lot more damage to your self esteem

PeppermintPasty Sat 24-Sep-11 19:34:05

Your alarm bells are ringing for a reason. Listen to them and tell him to fuck off.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Sat 24-Sep-11 19:48:07

That bell in your head is clanging for a reason. Your instincts are on red alert and are telling you to abandon this particular ship immediately as you'll be safer swimming in shark infested seas than continuing a liaison with a twunt.

Make it clear that he may need to stick his dick in his vacuum cleaner if he wants to get his rocks off because you sure won't be putting out for him again.

Heave a sigh of relief that your instincts have come to your rescue, carve another notch on your bedpost, and consign him to the back pages of your memory.

Onward and upward!

madonnawhore Sat 24-Sep-11 19:50:57

Sounds like your twat radar is fully functioning. Bin.

Proudnscary Sat 24-Sep-11 19:54:22

Trust your instincts

beatenbyayellowteacup Sat 24-Sep-11 19:54:26

This fish stinks. Throw him back.

Grumpla Sat 24-Sep-11 19:59:54

Tell him to fuck right off.

Even his 'compliment' is creepy - sounds like he feels it is somehow surprising that a poor feckless helpless single mother could have her own home. How lucky you are that a big strong man has arrived to fuck up your life, destroy your confidence and relegate you to boot-licking and dishwashing help out.

privatename Sat 24-Sep-11 20:07:19

Bin him now!!

I was married to a control freak like this,he used to have a tantrum if the kids had the lego out and would screw all the drawers in the house shut so i couldn't put "clutter" in them!!

When i moved out i asked my landlord to unscrew them all,he couldn't believe it!!


beatenbyayellowteacup Sat 24-Sep-11 20:08:21

If this is what he is like when he is supposed to be on his best behaviour, what will he be like down the road?

Seriously, get rid and move on. Don't dawdle with this one.

neuroticmumof3 Sat 24-Sep-11 20:09:50

Avoid like the plague.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 24-Sep-11 20:12:20

Listen to the alarm bells in your head. You need to be rid of him.

Controlling men are often angry men too. Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour.

Read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. Such men do not change.

coffeeinbed Sat 24-Sep-11 20:12:54

Oh the "I was only joking" routine.
No. He won't change.
But he'll try to change you.

acrunchieandacupoftea Sat 24-Sep-11 20:36:43

Thanks. Sometimes it's difficult to listen to your head, when they're doing the 'please forgive me' thing and pulling at your heartstrings and making you feel sad.
I wont see him again.

Grumpla Sat 24-Sep-11 20:51:56


beatenbyayellowteacup Sat 24-Sep-11 20:58:54

Or you could do what I did, ignored some excellent Mumsnetters' advice, thinking that he wasn't a controlling arse and I'd given the wrong impression of him and now have to go through it all again, because, he is still a controlling, negative, bitter, mysoginistic, inadequate arse blush

acrunchieandacupoftea Sat 24-Sep-11 21:01:51

wink I could yellowteacup...
I think I'm going to buy one of those pillows that gives you a hug and resign myself to singledom for a while.

RabbitPie Sat 24-Sep-11 21:03:21

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

beatenbyayellowteacup Sat 24-Sep-11 21:03:34

Good idea. I bought myself a mattress topper for that very reason grin

clam Sat 24-Sep-11 21:43:10

He may have been tactless and rude. He may be controlling.
BUT, I wonder how many women have walked into BF's homes and made adverse comments about the state of the place. Probably under the guise of "tut, what are you like?" routine. Could they expect to be kicked into touch for being controlling?

madonnawhore Sat 24-Sep-11 21:47:41

Clam, you definitely have a point. But for me, the difference here is that OP told him she thought he was rude and he told OP she couldn't call him rude just because of one little remark.

If someone told me they felt I'd been rude to them, I would apologise abjectly. I wouldn't tell them they weren't allowed to think me rude because I was 'only joking'.

Even if I was only joking, I'd still be mortified that I'd caused offence and say sorry.

beatenbyayellowteacup Sat 24-Sep-11 21:48:21

that I ought to use my vacuum cleaner more and if i have the day free i should spend it cleaning

clam this sounds like more than a "tut, what are you like?" comment.

It's telling her what she should be doing in her free time, because she's not quite up to standard the way she/her home is.

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