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What should I do?

(245 Posts)
babypusher7 Sat 24-Sep-11 16:25:20

Im posting on here because Im at a place I dont want to be and need some advice

My oh making me so unhappy,I just dont feel anything anymore,he checks my phone all the time,he puts me down in front of people,takes money from me,things are really bad and getting worse latley,the thing is Im pregnant and I told him he went nuts,he kickes off at the little things a cupple of weeks ago I left the light on and he really kicked off big time,I rang the police but they let him go the next morning so he took it out on me.

I sometimes feel like most of its my fault and if I could try harder to please him it wouldnt happen,but the more I try the worse he gets

can anyone offer advice on what to do ? x

Scoundrel Sat 24-Sep-11 16:27:13

women's aid

Call them and tell them what's been happening, they'll have good advice for you.

Good luck.

OpenMouthInsertFoot Sat 24-Sep-11 16:29:05

Why don't you read your post, pretend it is someone else asking YOU for advice.

What would you say to them?

Or better still, your best friend (or sister if you have one) tells you that she is miserable and her partner humiliates her, steals from her and is getting really aggressive.

What would you say?

You'll find that you already know what you have to do.

tipitout Sat 24-Sep-11 16:41:22

You will never be able to please him. That's the way it works with someone like him. He will raise the bar higher and higher, or change it in a different direction. It's to keep you under control so you spend all your time and energy thinking about him/what he wants/what he needs/how you can make it better/keeping you failing/trying to appease him.

That is how a controlling man keeps you down. You lose yourself and cease to exist. And frightening you/keeping you on edge, wearing you out and wearing you down.

And you are pregnant and he took it out on you. Contact Womens Aid. Get support from family/friends if you can.

babypusher7 Sat 24-Sep-11 17:05:20

thankyou if I ring them hell know so thats not going to be easy ,Im always trying to please him,I dont feel I have got a fight left in me, Im so ashamed that I let him do these things to me,hes messed my head up and it feels like he plays mind games with me,he askes me to do things then when I do he enjoys putting me down about it,then I try again to please him? and so it goes on?

RandomMess Sat 24-Sep-11 17:12:30

pack yourself a small bag of essentials, ring womans aid and go.

babypusher Sat 24-Sep-11 17:33:43

I want to but I carnt now,its really not easy x

Imnotaslimjim Sat 24-Sep-11 17:38:01

Baby, it IS that easy, when you are strong enough. And as far as I remember, the number doesn't show on the phone bill so he won't know you've rang.

You know you have to get out and give the baby a better start in life. If you didn't know it was wrong you wouldn't be here

I know you are scared, and you've every right to be, but the soonr you make that call and get out, the sooner you can get on with living a happy life, a better life, the life YOU want to live. Good luck

purplepidjinawoollytangle Sat 24-Sep-11 17:38:59

Can you get out for a walk to a phone box? Would he accept that you needed to go to the shop for a pint of milk/loaf of bread/other small essential item. That way there would be no way for him to know you had rung them until you have your exit plan in place.

Or, as a previous poster says, stick stuff like your phone and charger, spare undies, medication etc in your handbag and get the fuck out of there!

babypusher Sat 24-Sep-11 18:48:41

Im hurting, buts its strange the more he does the less I feel,I just feel knum these days,

If he comes home and Im leaving I dont want to think about what will happen
I think a hot bath and a strong drink x

HerHissyness Sat 24-Sep-11 18:54:26

If you leave, he can't do anything to you.

he has no right to do any of this to you.

have a look at the WA site, see what the number is and call it.

If you can't call from in the house get a free app to use your mobile phone and go out and call them.

Do you have a friend/family member nearby, could you call from their house?

You need to go, you need to pack and get your important documents/photos together and you need to just GO.

It really IS that simple. Finding the courage to save yourself and your unborn child may be daunting, but it means that you REALLY do have to leave asap.

HerHissyness Sat 24-Sep-11 18:55:32

The numb thing is a mixture of shock, stress and coping strategy. he's winning. he's wearing you down.

don't drink. pack.

babypusher Sat 24-Sep-11 19:44:20

If I pack where do I go,these no one I can go to,if I walk out the door Im in a mess,

Hes said today hes sorry and that hes trying to control his anger,and at the end of the day hes all I have got,I love him and Im nothing without him,Im to blame for this Im sick of getting things wrong,I carnt do anything without him x

purplepidjinawoollytangle Sat 24-Sep-11 19:52:13

Yes. You can. Think back to before you met him - friends, family, job etc. Remember who you were then, before he got in your head and convinced you otherwise!

Women's Aid etc will be able to help you, both with short term accomodation and with rebuilding your self esteem

babypusher Sat 24-Sep-11 20:03:22

hes back now and hes sleeping on settie,so looks like im in for the night x hes had alot to drink too

neuroticmumof3 Sat 24-Sep-11 20:05:33

Please talk to Women's Aid. It doesn't show on a phone bill so he'll never know. If you wanted to leave they could find you a space in a refuge. He sounds very controlling - has he been physically violent to you? Physical abuse often starts in pregnancy so this is a particularly risky period for you. He's apologised and promised to change but that's just part of the cycle of abuse. Before long he'll be controlling you, criticising you and abusing you again.

ImperialBlether Sat 24-Sep-11 20:36:36

I don't think she's worried about it showing on a phone bill as much as it showing on 'last call dialled' - is that right, OP? If so, can you delete the call from your call history?

He sounds like an awful man and one you should be protected from. I agree with the others about contacting Women's Aid. I agree with you that it would be dangerous if he realised what you were planning to do, so you'd have to do it at a time when you absolutely know he's not going to come back. Does he work? Is he ever out of the house for a while?

Please don't think you can make him happy. Please don't think of bringing up a baby with him. He will only get worse when he's being woken by the baby or when the baby's crying. You will both be at risk, then.

babypusher Sat 24-Sep-11 20:45:28

Yes its last number called on your mobile,he works,self employed so comes home checking on me,best times friday he goes drinking and gone for ages,he hits me yes,and forces me,thanks for talking x

ImperialBlether Sat 24-Sep-11 20:50:13

OP, I think you should leave and I don't think you should take anything with you when you go. Women's Aid can help you.

Do you use a handbag? I imagine he looks in that. Is there somewhere you can put documents that you might need? Do you have a friend you could give the odd thing to every day?

If I were you I'd leave as fast as I could. You deserve to be happy and safe. You won't be happy and safe with him.

By the way, does he check your computer? Do you know how to delete history?

purplepidjinawoollytangle Sat 24-Sep-11 20:52:41

",he hits me yes,and forces me,"

So he assaults and rapes you? That's a police matter, you would be fully justified in going to them and having him arrested. Then you would definitely know you had the time to pack and leave!

HerHissyness Sat 24-Sep-11 23:08:19

Hes said today hes sorry and that hes trying to control his anger, - WTF us stopping him? He needs to stop TRYING, start controlling it then. No excuses. Bet he only has a problem controlling his anger with YOU eh, not a 6'4" bloke hmm

and at the end of the day hes all I have got - what you have is a sad, sorry, sick little abuser. what you have is broken, damaged and totally toxic to live with. A creature that will pick on a PG woman. You do know that many abusers start abusing when their partners fall pg? It's very common.

I love him and Im nothing without him, - You are frightened to leave him. That is not love. You are scared to be without him, as he has taught you to be. That is not love either. You will be a billion times BETTER person without him. you will be free, be safe, be away from this mental agony, this fear, blame and isolation. Your child will be safe, secure and not be being abused.

Im to blame for this - No, love, you are not. We all feel ike this, but you need to know that this is HIS choice to treat you like this. HIS. Nothing you can do, say, think, feel or have ever done nor will ever do will change this. Quite literally YOU have nothing to do with his behaviour. It's all him.

Im sick of getting things wrong, - who is telling you that you are wrong? HIM?! he is doing that to control, manipulate and frighten you. He will tell you to do this a certain way, but when you do it that way, he'll have changed his mind and kick off that you should have done it another way.

I carnt do anything without him - You can't live like this. Your baby can't thrive like this.

Either he wakes up and stops, (never going to happen) or you need to go.

He has isolated you from everyone and everything you know. Of course you don't have anywhere to go, he's seen to that!

Call Woman's Aid, talk through with them the life you are leading and ask what kind of help they can provide when you are ready. Ask them (please) what you need to prepare. They deal with cases identical to yours day in and day out. There are so many of us that suffer as you have done.

Please do this, even if you are scared, even if you think you can't, you HAVE TO. Maybe not today, nor tomorrow, but love you really do need to get out. Your life may depend on it.

Read Lundy Bancroft. Have a look at this too! www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/mrgoodbad-english.pdf

babypusher Sun 25-Sep-11 08:47:34

thanks,it has got worse since I told him Im pregnant,I just dont know how I can call them because he checks my phone?

Last night I was terrified he was worse than before,but after he always asks if Im ok? It doesnt matter if I say yes or no to him now,its always that way,I had fell to sleep,how could I be so stupid? I think deep down I know I have to leave him for my baby but it feels impossible??

If you meet him you really wouldnt think he was this way,hes got loads of friends,hes so different with other people so whys he like it with me?,Im going to try harder today to keep things ok,maybe it will be ok,If I do go though I scared hell find me or catch me going?I was sick last night just at the thought of him finding me,The thing is when the police came before hes so nice to them that I looked bad,because hes so convincing and In the end the was laughing with the police and Im left looking stupid again,thats how he is,and hes so carefull not to mark me,just the last few times I have stopped struggling I carnt fight anymore,so theres no marks ,thats what the police asked me before,they arrested him for breaking the door down? because he knew I was in the house,not because he forced me,and pushed me down the stairs,so thats why its hopless, maybe there is a way out from all this but Im trapped for now,thankyou for listning to me its helping alot x

solidgoldbrass Sun 25-Sep-11 08:56:43

You are not trapped and you can leave. This piece of shit does not deserve anything from you. WA will, if necessary, come and collect you, wait while you pack and take you to a safe place. He does not have superpowers and he can be defeated and put in his place. Never mind what he says. He's only a nasty, inadequate shitbag.

HerHissyness Sun 25-Sep-11 11:53:55

What on earth did he do last night FGS? sad what did he do that was so terrifying? (dare I even ask?) he raped you?

Oh my x is adorable everyone loves him. Except my family, my real friends that I wouldn't give up for him.

sweetheart. It doesn't matter how hard you try. keeping things OK is not in your control. even IF you managed to live by all the rules he has imposed, and got it all right, he'd change the rules and make sure you fell foul of them just so he could abuse you. You can't ever get things right because there IS no right with him.

Please let WA help you. I am in the freedom programme with 2 women that were heavily abused in PG and both of them were helped out of the situation.

Please trust people in RL, they won't harm you. You can't stay where you are.

Nothing in this life is hopeless. If I can get out of a godforesaken country 5hours away from home, from a flat I never left for months at a time, with no phone, internet or even TV, YOU can get out of there.

deep breath, take the first step, call WA and ask for help. Trust them and do what they suggest, all of it.

babypusher Sun 25-Sep-11 12:29:07

He did and more,
I carnt put it on here,and if he knows I have phoned then,I dont know.
I can see what you mean about trying to please him and I think your right,and that would be so much harder to do with a baby aswell,I know that.
I feel like no ones going to listen to me,I dont feel like Im worth anything,I am on here for my baby,its gave me a spark,,its all such a mess though.How could I be so wrong,If I phone and wipe the call list he will want to know why its been wiped? Im just to scared to ring,I need to do it from another phone and not mine.

x

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