My mother finally admitted to me last night why I ended up in care at age 4yo. Her boyfriend raped me. I don't remember this - I just remember feeling scared when my mother went to work leaving me with him.
I assume that this is why Social Services refused to let me see my records - the only time they can do this is when they believe there is 'a risk of serious psychological harm'.
It explains a lot of my behaviours over the years, I feel. How do I go about getting my head around the fact that I was raped at 4yo? Apparently the bloke got put in prison - but as this was over 26 years ago, I am quite sure he will have been released by now. My mother is well known for witholding information until it suits HER to reveal it. She is also very narc.
Her response when I asked why she didn't think that this may have affected my behaviour - "Well how much do you think it upset ME, I haven't been able to talk about it until now". I mean - I am in shock. I only rang her because I was having difficulty dealing with my ASD teenager DD.
My head is in a spin. How can I NOT remember this? How come it was never given as a possible reason for my MH difficulties? What do I DO with this information? WHO the actual FUCK rapes a 4yo? It almost seems like this must have happened to someone else. I can't get my head around it. I keep looking at my own dc thinking HOW could my mother not have known? HOW could anyone do that to such an innocent child? HOW can I not remember? HOW has it taken her 26 years to tell me that this is the reason WHY I was taken off her? HOW do I actually begin to DEAL with this?
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How to deal with this information?
68 replies
CardyMow · 24/09/2011 11:54
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RabbitPie ·
24/09/2011 12:15
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