My mother finally admitted to me last night why I ended up in care at age 4yo. Her boyfriend raped me. I don't remember this - I just remember feeling scared when my mother went to work leaving me with him.
I assume that this is why Social Services refused to let me see my records - the only time they can do this is when they believe there is 'a risk of serious psychological harm'.
It explains a lot of my behaviours over the years, I feel. How do I go about getting my head around the fact that I was raped at 4yo? Apparently the bloke got put in prison - but as this was over 26 years ago, I am quite sure he will have been released by now. My mother is well known for witholding information until it suits HER to reveal it. She is also very narc.
Her response when I asked why she didn't think that this may have affected my behaviour - "Well how much do you think it upset ME, I haven't been able to talk about it until now". I mean - I am in shock. I only rang her because I was having difficulty dealing with my ASD teenager DD.
My head is in a spin. How can I NOT remember this? How come it was never given as a possible reason for my MH difficulties? What do I DO with this information? WHO the actual FUCK rapes a 4yo? It almost seems like this must have happened to someone else. I can't get my head around it. I keep looking at my own dc thinking HOW could my mother not have known? HOW could anyone do that to such an innocent child? HOW can I not remember? HOW has it taken her 26 years to tell me that this is the reason WHY I was taken off her? HOW do I actually begin to DEAL with this?
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How to deal with this information?
CardyMow · 24/09/2011 11:54
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I'm sorry to hear about your ds though. My mother is also an alcoholic, so very self centred. She finds it amusing that the police were called on her last week because her and my stepdad were having a row, my 20yo Dbro (Aspie) got scared and knocked on the neighbours door, they phoned the police. Who did nothing because my Stepdad wouldn't press charges. Despite the fact that she was chasing after him with a Samauri sword because he had asked her to try to drink less. 
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HC you are numb/whirring head I would think with shock as would anyone else be!
You are even busier then than I imagined with 3 dc on spectrum...school must be a nightmare at times! You don't even have time to think of yourself! But tough now you have too....otherwise this could eat away at you slowly so get help from a psychologist whom are specially trained to help you.
She does sound NCD...you maybe need to learn how to deal with her...put her on a behavior program! Or have no contact...but understand you need to for your db!
Can't believe what she said about your dd though 
it is like she is in an imaginary world or something?
I think you kinda need to deal with your mum issues first to why she is like she is before you can move onto your issues which most were created by your mum iygwim.
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