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How to deal with this information?

(69 Posts)
CardyMow Sat 24-Sep-11 11:54:19

My mother finally admitted to me last night why I ended up in care at age 4yo. Her boyfriend raped me. I don't remember this - I just remember feeling scared when my mother went to work leaving me with him.

I assume that this is why Social Services refused to let me see my records - the only time they can do this is when they believe there is 'a risk of serious psychological harm'.

It explains a lot of my behaviours over the years, I feel. How do I go about getting my head around the fact that I was raped at 4yo? Apparently the bloke got put in prison - but as this was over 26 years ago, I am quite sure he will have been released by now. My mother is well known for witholding information until it suits HER to reveal it. She is also very narc.

Her response when I asked why she didn't think that this may have affected my behaviour - "Well how much do you think it upset ME, I haven't been able to talk about it until now". I mean - I am in shock. I only rang her because I was having difficulty dealing with my ASD teenager DD.

My head is in a spin. How can I NOT remember this? How come it was never given as a possible reason for my MH difficulties? What do I DO with this information? WHO the actual FUCK rapes a 4yo? It almost seems like this must have happened to someone else. I can't get my head around it. I keep looking at my own dc thinking HOW could my mother not have known? HOW could anyone do that to such an innocent child? HOW can I not remember? HOW has it taken her 26 years to tell me that this is the reason WHY I was taken off her? HOW do I actually begin to DEAL with this?

CardyMow Sat 24-Sep-11 11:56:49

And more to the point - Social Services KNEW that this had happened, so why in the name of GOD did they move me back in with her when my Dad died when I was 10yo? I had 5 years of hell and physical abuse until I walked out when I was 15yo. What in Gods' name possessed SS to move me back in with her instead of putting me in FC?

Quodlibet Sat 24-Sep-11 12:01:49

Oh you poor thing. I can't begin to imagine how angry and upset you must be. There are so many complicated interwoven issues here and you have so many questions that need answering.

I really think you need some professional advice to start dealing with this. Maybe a good place to start would be the Rape Crisis Centre - their freephone is 0808 802 9999. I'm sure that sadly they will have had to deal with similar situations before.

I really hope you get the support and specialist help you deserve to overcome what has been done to you.

LeBOF Sat 24-Sep-11 12:04:31

Oh my fucking God!!! You poor darling. I don't know the answer, but you have all my love and strength xx

CardyMow Sat 24-Sep-11 12:11:21

The weird thing is - I DON'T feel angry, or upset. I think I 'sort of' knew, I just didn't know IYSWIM. It explains WHY I was 'irrationally' petrified of DD getting abused at the same age - to the point of insisting that the GP did a thorough check?! (Which I know isn't 'normal' but at the time I didn't know that DD was at the same age as I had been when this had happened - makes it obvious WHY I was so worried now).

Why has no-one that has dealt with me over the years thought to tell me about this? I assume this is why I have been with numerous men that treat me awfully, and hundreds of other things that made no sense to me.

Is it normal not to remember? Is it normal to feel, I don't know, numb, almost like it happened to somebody else? Is this WHY I can't remember a huge chunk of my childhood?

CardyMow Sat 24-Sep-11 12:14:03

Everything just seems a bit, erm, surreal at the moment. I don't for a minute doubt what my mother has told me - it was far too detailed for it not to be the truth IYSWIM. I haven't even been allowed access to my own medical records when I requested them. Which I thought was unusual...

RabbitPie Sat 24-Sep-11 12:15:01

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CardyMow Sat 24-Sep-11 12:16:14

No wonder I'm such a fucked-up mess at life?!

CardyMow Sat 24-Sep-11 12:19:33

Apparently my mother is shocked that I have been able to have 4 dc, as she was told I'd never be able to carry a baby? I HAVE lost 9 babies though. And still nobody medical thought to explain to me that it might have something to do with this?!

seriouschanger Sat 24-Sep-11 12:30:09

((((HUGS)))) HUntyCat

Don't know what to say as advice as this is awful situation.

Is their counselling out their for you? Like Quiod says try Rape Crisis centre.
Wonder if their is family counselling too for you and your mum to try and come together to find out why she with held....I can only think she thought she was trying to protect you, so why tell you now?

Just because it is not in your subcon memory it is in your uncon memory by what happened with dd. This needs to be dealt with...but it will be opening a HUGE can of worms which you will need a lot of support through.. maybe ask GP for referral to psychologist who can help you through this.

I always say though support of people who have been in your shoes may be of more value....see if their any support groups out their.

With your answer to this type of person who does this sad evil or abused himself in similar way...but still evil!

So so sorry

seriouschanger Sat 24-Sep-11 12:35:38

Just to add ds asd with fantastic memory was physically abused by his dad and I was told by Dr's and SS to just support ds through it in hope that he I wonder if this is what your mum was told too as ds was 2-4yrs old too.

If so I can see it from your mum being left to mop up the mess of abuse but sexual abuse far is a mum equipped to deal with it? I am not trying to protect your mum but only letting you know what I was told few months ago too.

CardyMow Sat 24-Sep-11 12:39:53

Ahaha at counselling WITH my mother - she thinks counselling is crap, wouldn't go if you held a knife to her throat. We don't have a 'great' relationship, I tend to keep her at arms length, on the telephone only (we only see each other 4-5 times a year, only for an hour, and ONE day per year for the day. She wasn't trying to 'protect me' more not have to admit to HER part in it. My mother seems to think this was something that happened to HER as it happened to HER child - nothing about the fact that actually it happened to ME IYSWIM. It's all about her, as always, HER feelings, HER issues, effects on HER. Nothing about ME. Nothing unusual THERE though. Got used to that, don't really let that bother me any more, I understand that she loves me in her own way, but she'll never be able to SHOW it in the way that I need it., or be able to put ME and MY feelings first. <<Shrug>>

Will try to ring the crisis line, if and when I ever get time to myself to be able to - which isn't easy with 4 dc, and I don't want them to overhear.

CardyMow Sat 24-Sep-11 12:43:16

I'm sorry to hear about your ds though. My mother is also an alcoholic, so very self centred. She finds it amusing that the police were called on her last week because her and my stepdad were having a row, my 20yo Dbro (Aspie) got scared and knocked on the neighbours door, they phoned the police. Who did nothing because my Stepdad wouldn't press charges. Despite the fact that she was chasing after him with a Samauri sword because he had asked her to try to drink less. hmm.

CardyMow Sat 24-Sep-11 12:44:07

Just glad my Dbro is back to Uni today. Gets him away from it all until Christmas.

TheOriginalFAB Sat 24-Sep-11 12:46:12

It is quite normal to not believe that something so massive has happened to you and that it was actually someone else. A different person to who you are now. But it was you and you have to decide where you go with that.

FWIW I would seriously consider whether your mother is someone you should have in your life.

CardyMow Sat 24-Sep-11 12:46:28

What do you think counselling would DO? The last 3 times I have had counselling, we spent so much time 'going over' the timeline of where I lived WHEN that my 6 sessions were over - and they never offer more than 6 sessions in my PCT. All the counsellors I've seen before seem to just want to hear me talk, rather than actually HELP me.

CardyMow Sat 24-Sep-11 12:50:04

I KNOW I should cut her out totally - but having no-one else, I don't feel totally able to, instead I just use the telephone to my advantage - I hang up if I don't want to hear what she is saying, or if she is drunk, I have very minimal contact, only dc's birthdays for 1 hr, in my own home, and 1 day a year at Christmas, but more so I can see my other family members. I made a decision that when the dc are grown-up, I will have no need to have her in my life anymore. I made that decision about 3 years ago.

Right now it's more for my Dbro than anything else - he is totally brainwashed by her, thinks she is normal as he has no other reference points in life, I would lose contact with HIM if I totally cut her out.

TheOriginalFAB Sat 24-Sep-11 12:56:41

I understand as I have no one too. I only had a grandmother who died a few years ago and now I have no family. You can do it without them. You can still have your brother in your life without your mother, you can see him without her.

Imnotaslimjim Sat 24-Sep-11 12:59:20

hunty you poor love, you must be so confused

I think what you are feeling right now is perfectly normal

Please do look into having more counselling, but with someone like a psychotherapist. I got nowhere with a counsellor (you're right, they just want you to talk) when he reffered me to a psychotherapist it made a huge difference. I had 12 sessions with her and it was great. Really helped me make sense of a lot (I'm in a similar position to you though I was older. I have selective amnesia about it) It was very hard to talk about it and start forcing the memories, but once you get going, its very cleansing

If you want to chat, PM me, I do kind of understand what you are going through

seriouschanger Sat 24-Sep-11 13:00:17

I was thinking that toosad

HuntyCat she sounds very unwell and NPD? Does she have AS too? I'm a bit [shocked] at way she told you though. It goes through a mothers head a million times how to 'tell' 'deal' with it....she sounds like she used you 'the victim' to offload...that is so so wrong.

At least your DB is away from the stress now. That is good.

I take my hat off to you though 4 dc one being teenager with AS can get stressful and you get no time to yourself. Well you do need to try and get time to at least try and get help to work this out in your head as such a shock!

Lots of people here been through horrendous toxic relationships with parents and I am sure they will be along to offer really good advice. I wish I could help more as awful.

Try and take it easy and time out to just have 10 minutes alone to do deep breathing/relax as this is extremely stressful for you and your head will be wrecked by all this otherwise.

CardyMow Sat 24-Sep-11 13:06:26

Definately NPD have known that for a few years. Yes she told me in the sense of 'offloading' on me. Same as she did when she told me that my Dad had comitted suicide rather than dying of a brain haemorrage (as I had been previously told). Nothing unusual in the way she told me - for HER. AS? Unsure, but highly possible - family history is heavy with asd-type problems.

Grandad - Definately has OCD, probable AS. Uncle - Dxd AS. Mother - ?. Dbro - dxd AS. My DD (13yo) - asd. My DS2 (7yo) - asd. And I would hazard a guess that DS1 is AS, but undxd.

CardyMow Sat 24-Sep-11 13:08:52

I have always suspected that I have AS too. TBH. Maybe that is why I am struggling to feel 'emotional' about this? God knows, my head is whirring, I don't seem to be able to make sense of it!

seriouschanger Sat 24-Sep-11 13:52:36

HC you are numb/whirring head I would think with shock as would anyone else be!

You are even busier then than I imagined with 3 dc on must be a nightmare at times! You don't even have time to think of yourself! But tough now you have too....otherwise this could eat away at you slowly so get help from a psychologist whom are specially trained to help you.

She does sound maybe need to learn how to deal with her...put her on a behavior program! Or have no contact...but understand you need to for your db!

Can't believe what she said about your dd though shock it is like she is in an imaginary world or something?
I think you kinda need to deal with your mum issues first to why she is like she is before you can move onto your issues which most were created by your mum iygwim.

barkwithnobite Sat 24-Sep-11 13:59:08

Seriously, there should be a death sentence or life imprisonment for men/women that sexually abuse children. Omg! So sorry to hear this...

CardyMow Sat 24-Sep-11 14:12:45

I am not daft enough to think that this person will still be in prison 26 years down the line - people don't get that long for murder. It is partly worrying, because I vaguely remember my mother, my stepdad, me and my brother having to move towns after our flat got ransacked when I was about 13yo - and my mother has vaguely mentioned that it was done by someone she had put in prison. My birth certificate was stolen then, and a lot of photos of me too. Should I be worried in case he is still looking for me? What if he somehow gains access to my dc? <<Knows this is an irrational fear, am not even living in the same town etc>>

No, I was told by SS when my Dad died that he had had a brain haemmorage, mother told me in an argument 4 years down the line (when I was 14yo) what had actually happened - confirmed by other family members.

Imaginary world - not totally, but she likes to twist things round to suit HER view on the world, and if you disagree with her on how things happened, she ignores you. I don't let it get to me because I know the truth.

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