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A policeman once told dh I was unstable and now he was uses it to threaten me

(43 Posts)
HookADuck Sat 24-Sep-11 09:54:36

About 6yrs ago, pre children, dh and I had an argument, I slapped him - not proud of it and I'm not going to give the reasons why as I'm not going to try and justify it as whatever had happened I shouldn't have done it. He was left with a red mark.

DH called the police, I was arrested but not charged. Nothing similar has happened since.

However the policeman who took dhs statement told him I was clearly unstable. I obviously do not agree with this and do not think one wrong act counts as being unstable. I care little for what this policeman said, he only heard one side (his involvement only went as far as taking dhs statement) and he isn't in a professional position to judge my mental stability.

However, for watever reason, dh clings onto this everytime we have a disagreement he raises it to the point where I am so very very fed up with up it. He even goes so far as to get his phone out and threaten to phone the police. I ignore him, tell him to do as he pleases.

However atm we are going through very stressful times, finances are causing us many problems and there is a strong chance we could split (I actually wouldn't mind a trial separation but he refuses to leave the house and I have no where to stay with the children) Last night was a row over money yet again. He didn't like what I was saying (he should spend less money on beer and socialising and more on the children) so he threatened the police again. I honestly think he believes that if he classes me as 'unstable' he can get the children taken away from me.

I cannot get it through to him that an off the cuff remark from a policeman many years ago counts for nothing and he needs to stop these stupid childish threats all the time.

HookADuck Sat 24-Sep-11 09:56:01

Any advice on getting this through to him would be greatly appreciated

Flisspaps Sat 24-Sep-11 09:58:03

On the basis of what you've said, I think that your priority is finding somewhere for you and the children to go so that you can get away for a while.

I don't think the policeman's assessment of you as unstable will hold water in court though, unless he managed to do a full psychological assessment on you during his visit and is qualified to do so.

HookADuck Sat 24-Sep-11 10:03:04

I have no money Flisspaps.

HookADuck Sat 24-Sep-11 10:04:52

DH and I wages go into a bank account in my name, but we treat it as a joint account and both have access to it. There is no spare money I could take that he wouldn't notice anyway.

LIZS Sat 24-Sep-11 10:05:24

He obviously hasn't moved on from that incident whether there was any truth in it or not. Frankly I'm surprised you have lasted another 6 years, sorry. Make arrangements which do not include him, perhaps contact a Womens Aid helpline for support.

HookADuck Sat 24-Sep-11 10:07:10

We have been together 12yrs altogether.

Springyknickersohnovicars Sat 24-Sep-11 10:15:09

He is just using that as your weak spot. The best thing to do is to ignore him. If you want a trial separation I'd be seeking legal advice about getting an occupation order on the home so that you and the children can live there while you sort out whether to get back together or divorce.

You may not have grounds so you'll have to check it out, most solicitors give the first 30-60 minutes free. I'd also go to your local jobcentre and make an appointment with the lone parents advisors (if they still have them) and work out exactly how you would cope financially if you did split up.

You don't have to do anything but it is empowering to not feel trapped and know what choices you have.

HookADuck Sat 24-Sep-11 10:15:10

bumping for advice

RabbitPie Sat 24-Sep-11 10:15:19

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Tortington Sat 24-Sep-11 10:18:23

what do you want? do you want him to recognise that the courts will most likley grant you custody of the children and live in the house etc?

then i think you have to go to a solicitor and get some firm legal advice. get this in a letter and pay for it.

enlarge it at tesco photostore

put it on a canvas

pride of place in living room

HookADuck Sat 24-Sep-11 10:22:41

That is how I feel about the whole RabbitPie.

When he threatens to phone the police, I think 'don't bite', 'don't let him see you react to that'.

If I tell him not to he will threaten it even more so I ignore now. Even saying to him that I haven't committed a crime so he will be wasting police time doesn't stop him.

I can't leave him though. We are both tied to this mortgage, couldn't sell for enough to clear the mortgage. We have no money - he has huge debts built up in secret from me.

He knows I can't go and he point blank refuses to, I have asked him many times. He says I will go but I'm taking my wages. All that means is he will withdraw x amount of money from the bank, probably leaving me with nothing for food for the kids or bills and then come back to live here when he's wasted it all.

Sofiaintherye Sat 24-Sep-11 10:23:13

Hook, I am very sorry, but from your post alone I think it's going to be very difficult for you to get your message across. Your DH threatens to call the police every time you have an argument, it seems that either he is very mean or very stupid or both. On the other hand from your post you sound rational and inteligent. If you stay with him just because you don't have alternatives right now I would continue coping just as your are doing now (ignoring his threats) until you are in a better financial position to consider dumping him if he doesn't change. Good luck!!!!!!!

HookADuck Sat 24-Sep-11 10:28:41

Shame I can't afford a solicitor custy as that might actually work.

Tortington Sat 24-Sep-11 10:32:39

right what you need is facts.

sgo to a solicitor, get one of the free half hour sessions and get as much advice as poss.

go to the cab, speak to someone about where you stand financially. about what would happen if he did leave

you can do all this next week - arm yourself with knowledge.

i don't know how you have released the financial power, if he says he is leaving and walks out the door - phone the bank and report your card stolen

get an immediate stop on it and then he cannot access your account.


it seems to be like he is being mean in character - and your still playing by the rules of fairness

well fuck that shit - if he walks out - thats his decision. not yours.

if dh was threatening me - i would phone the police and tell them that you are scared and that your dh is threatening you.

Tortington Sat 24-Sep-11 10:34:34

if dh did that to me, i'd tell him to phone the police and i would tell him that when the police got here i would tell them that he was threatening me and i was scared

then i would ask him who he thought the police would believe

then i would probbly call him a dick

HookADuck Sat 24-Sep-11 10:36:42

If I stopped the card he would just come back. It would just another evening lost to pointless arguing.

Even if he took the money he would still come back, he hasn't any intention of living elsewhere.

Getting advice is a good idea. I need to do that. Surely I cannot be as trapped as I feel?

RabbitPie Sat 24-Sep-11 10:37:45

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LIZS Sat 24-Sep-11 10:38:25

You sound very defeatist - what exactly are you getting from this relationship ?

Tortington Sat 24-Sep-11 10:38:30

but if you stopped the card - you show him you have the power

d'ya see?

id rather stop him from spending the money on shit and then coming back

Tortington Sat 24-Sep-11 10:41:07

rabbit pies last post makes sense - do that

make sure you hasve a second bank account unknown to him and that you are fully aware of all your financial responsabilities.

any loans for instance - what is in your name, what is in his? know this information inside out incase of any split.

also do you really want to live like this forever? you need to find out where you stand on the housing situation.

HookADuck Sat 24-Sep-11 10:42:55

I have lost all my fight Lizs, I don't know when or how that happened. I'm not sure I even recognise myself as the same person I was say ten years ago.

I could do the second bank account, maybe he would agree to that if I spun it in a way that seemed to benefit him.

HookADuck Sat 24-Sep-11 10:44:28

I couldn't have an unknown account that I paid cb, tax credits into as he would want to know where the money is

RabbitPie Sat 24-Sep-11 10:45:53

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RabbitPie Sat 24-Sep-11 10:47:07

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