Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Don't know what to do(58 Posts)
Dh and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 children 3 and 8 months. Whenever dh gets stressed he takes it out on me an can be quite nasty in the way he speaks to me. I have said that this is not ok but it still happens.
Recently we have both been busy, dh is building an extension to the house. I work 3 days a week, have just started teaching a class once a week trying to set up a small business, I also do a couple of exercise classes in the evening and have just registered on a part time post grad course.
The course runs over weekends and I need to go away once a month to do it. I am away on my registration weekend and dh called me to say everything needs to stop so he can get the extension done or it won't happen. I agrees to stop my classes and to do all drop off and picking up of the children from now on but dh wants me to not do the course either and I don't know what to do. I really want to do it and it is already paid for. My hours at work this year suit the course which might not happen next year and I started teaching my own sessions based on the knowledge that I would be in training again. If I insist on doing it without his support it will be awful, there will be a huge fuss everytime I go and dh says if he loses a weekend on the build then it's fucked and that I need to focus everything on that.
Last night he told me he couldn't stand me anymore and to just fuck off. I love him but things can't go on like this. I feel under huge pressure to make a decision to either push ahead with this course or try and defer if they will let me. I would be devastated to defer but am feeling like I have no choice. He feels I am not supporting him on the build and I feel he does not support my career, he often refers to what I do as a waste of time or calls it shitty.
I am getting the train home today and don't know what to do. Don't think he could even discuss it without getting unpleasant.
How many months will your postgrad course last and how many months does your dh estimate that it will take him to complete the extension?
If your dh is tackling a large project in his spare time - i.e he works full tme and is using all of his leisure time to complete building works - it's understandable that he may be feeling under stress if he's required to be in a stop/start situation which impedes his 'flow' and the smooth running of these works.
He may be feeling that you are getting a 'weekend off' once a month whereas you have, presumably, embarked on this course as much for your own personal satisfaction as for the fact that your enhanced qualification will enable you to have greater earning power that will, in turn, be of financial benefit to your family unit.
Do you have any family members/friends/others who you could approach to help out with some of the pick ups and drops offs of the dcs? Can your dh call on friends/family to help him complete the works before winter sets in if that is a concern to him?
Is it possible for you to arrange childcare at the establishment where you have registered for your postgrad qualification so that you can take the dc with you and give your dh to crack on with the work unimpeded by domestic concerns once a month?
'give your dh an opportunity to crack on'
I took on going bk to studying, which needed a lot of support from my hubby also, I realised as my daughter was still young it was to early as she missed me terribly and to early for my hubby as having his own business put a lot of pressure on him so I've decided to go back when the time suits us all as a family.
The fact that he told you to fuck off and he "can't stand you" is your biggets problem. You need to consider if he is just mouthing off in stress (though still not acceptable) or whether you marriage is over.
Dh isn't working just now, just doing the extension. The course is a year, extension should be done by Christmas.
Yes the course is for me as well as my career. Both dh and I had our studies cut short and we both dreamed of going back to it. Dh finished his degree this year, I was so excited to get the chance to train again as I didn't think I ever would.
I do have an aunt I could speak to and my brother has offered to come and lay bricks. He is a brickie in the army butt dh wasn't keen when I said he could come and help which didn't make sense to me.
Dd is still young so that is another thing to consider. My fear is if I don't do it now it will never happen and I will be really resentful.
X post. Yes it might be over, we are both unhappy. I don't want it to be over but I don't want the kids seeing there mum spoken to in that way either.
Sounds like he's jealous. You going back to it and him unemployed
So is he now financially dependent on you?
Just a thought - do you think the extension may be an excuse? Is he perhaps a bit threatened about what your new career might bring? Has he always been the breadwinner with you a stay at home wife? Was his mother a career woman or a stay-at-homer?
I admire you for wanting to push on with your career, but Shoni does have a good point. The children are very young. I too embarked on a degree, but had to put it off as I felt that I wasn't spending enough time with my children when they were little. I waited til my youngest DC was 9.
Sorry to ask so many questions, but if we get a "bigger" picture, we might be able to offer some more useful advice/opinions?
I went back and did my degree when ds was 2, i had dd halfway through my phd... It is possible to do that with young kids. Your dh has all week to work on the extension and has offers of help. One weekend a month wont affect that and tbh he may be dragging it out deliberately....
Protect yourself, do whats best for you and the kids and build your career as by the sounds of it your 'h' is trying to put you down and he has had the chance to finish his degree!!
SOunds like your H wants you to be back home being his servant and doesn't like the idea of you doing anything that is about you, even though you doing a course will benefit the whole family. Tell him that you will not be stopping your course and the two of you will sort out a strategy together that means childcare can be done and projects worked on. Remember that you matter just as much as him.
So has he deliberately taken time away from work to build this extension?
He may not want help due to finances!
Was the course booked and paid for before you both decided on the extension?
I wouldn't be concerned about missing your course as they run every year. If your course was booked before this extension and he is know expecting you to give it up know as he's struggling he's being selfish and should not of started it until afterwards! If it was booked after the extension started I'm sorry but your being a bit selfish! Who's going to watch the kids whilst your away while he's building?
Personally think you both are taking too much on at one time..
One weekend a month, and he's turned down the offer of help?
No, I think he has a problem with you doing the course that has nothing to do with getting the extension done. And I think it's really important to you?
I think you'll regret it very much if you give up the course, and it still won't be enough to make him happy, supportive and respectful of you. It doesn't help controlling people to let their anger and unhappiness be powerful, it just teaches them to do it more.
My jaw is on the floor at your husbands behaviour and the suggestions that you're being selfish.
He is acting like a vicious toddler demanding you drop everything and fall back in line.
In a healthy relationship this sort of thing would be discussed reasonably with both sides needs being given equal value.
I doubt it would ever occur to you OP to strop around demanding all work on the extension stop while you finish what you need to do with the course?
Why should he get all the say in this and dictate what you have to do?
Out of order imo, unless he can be an adult about this and treat you with respect, brook no further discussion on you giving up what's important to you.
He isn't taking time away from work, he doesn't have a job. Not sure what you mean about finances, brother has offered to help for free.
It is important to me, I had to give up my studies first time round because of an abusive relationship and I needed to get away from it. I didn't think I would ever be able to go back, it's a theatre based course and it is harder to do these things when you are older. I am kind of on the old side for this one compared to the others on the course.
I am heading home now, dreading it.
In view of additonal information, I'm with ILT on this.
Your dh is in thrall to the green-eyed monster that is envy and sometimes that angry god demands sacrificial martyrs - as evidenced by your dh refusing help from your db who is eminently qualified to be of assistance and can, no doubt, suggest ways to speed the work as well as facilitating its early completion.
As scrabble has said, given that he has c28 clear days a month to build an extension to your home, it's not unreasonable for him to be fully responsible for his dc one weekend out of four.
It seems that you have a lot to discuss with your dh this weekend and I hope you won't lose sight of the fact that you DO have a choice not only about whether to press ahead and complete the course you have signed up for, but also as to whether you are prepared to tolerate being verbally abused when your dh is stressed.
Oh neeps, sending you strength to deal with the tantrums and current arguments.
Reading your last post i wonder if on some level you've come to think that this sort of thing is just 'normal' and to be put up with (previous abusive relationship you mentioned)
Conditions sound ideal for you to forge ahead with your plans (work hours etc) apart from this big guilt trip your husband is trying to get you to buy into.
Pop into the EA support thread later - it might sound a bit 'over the top' to some but the sort of manipulative and entitled behaviour is discussed and examined there in detail and it might assist you in realising that you're not in the wrong here.
I mean, it's not like you've announced you'll be furthering your social life from now on and will be going away on jollies with your friends.
What you're trying to achieve will benefit the family for years to come and give you personally a stronger footing in your career.
Don't give in, think you would regret it massively if you were to drop out.
Posting on phone and keep losing my posts. Sometimes I have wondered if his behaviour was tipping over into abusive. My parents didn't have a good relationship so I don't feel I know what one looks like. I am bad at conflict and avoid it as much as possible. I don't know what normal couple fighting looks like and when it is not normal.
I am going to try and organise some help. Dh is paying his brother and friend to work on the build and is worried about running out of money to pay them. His argument is he needs to be on site at all times. I do feel guilty, I am causing a lot of hassle or something I want to do so maybe I am selfish. I feel so sad. I never though I would get a chance like this and I thought he would be happy for me.
Am thinking of suggesting counselling, don't think he would say yes though,
He had a very bad night with the kids. Ds peed the bed twice and Dd wouldn't settle. That won't help.
The children being up in the night is unfortunate and tiring but sounds like this will just be used as handy fuel for your husband's to start another tirade about how you HAVE to drop everything etc.
'walking on eggshells' springs to mind when I read some of your replies OP and like you really dread doing anything that wlll upset him further?
Counselling for yourself would be a good idea especially if there are abuse behaviours involved (dh I mean)
When you look back at this time in your life I think if you don't do your course you'll just feel sad and resentful - because you were talked out of it by a partners selfishness.
You'll have far fewer regrets looking back and thinking 'I caused a bit of inconvenience for the family then'
Called my mum, she said drop the course as kids come first, you can't have everything and life isn't fun you have to make sacrifices. Very depressing conversation.
I need help and support to do this course and I don't have it. I am walking on egg shells with dh's moods because I am scared that if he is in a bad mood then I won't be able to do things.
Kids are always up at night, i deal with them usually.
How would you feel about bringing yuou rkids up as a single mother? You only need to rely on yourself then rather than someone who bullies you.
I agree that children come first but only to a degree. They will grow and leave one day, what will you be left with?
Join the discussion
Please login first.