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Advise re divorcing uncomprehenable DH

(24 Posts)
moonwood Fri 23-Sep-11 21:09:57

I have JUST instructed solicitors in divorce proceedings against DH who says he will never divorce me. He has received a letter from my solicitor confirming this and asking that he leave the family home immediately due to his behaviour. DH has not responded by verbal abuse but appears jovial and keeps telling me to Cheer up. I am at a loss I expect the worse and then I get an overfriendly and over enthusiastic DH who I fear is losing the plot or is it I? He informs me that we will both get in debt over this divorce and he will drag it out as long as poss. We have three DCs and he tells me it is for them that he will drag it out (fight this). He is full of surprises like not for the first time he woke me up because he wanted to saying that I should not open my eyes as he was putting the lamp on to read. Now why do you wake someone up to tell them that. He is either playing mind games or he is doolally. How do I deal with this/get through this as best I can and keep our DCs fine. The house is mine yes he has rights but he will be getting so I am told a small charge on the property at the end of this so I am told not to leave house fine but how do I get through this sane?

CactusRash Fri 23-Sep-11 21:19:33

He is playing mind games.

Not sure how you can handle that if he refuses to leave the house. Have you ask your sollicitor about it?

moonwood Fri 23-Sep-11 21:22:28

Once I do get a divorce and he still wont leave family home I then have to apply for an ancillary order (which will cost and as a SAHM I have no money so am hoping it wont come to this) anyway this order will then legally bound him to leave the house.

kunahero Fri 23-Sep-11 21:26:39

Not sure what he is up to. Could be depression expressing itself in a strange way or he could just simply be trying to drive you 'mad' making you question your sanity.
Stick to your 'guns' and stay strong. Dont let the bastard get you down.

moonwood Fri 23-Sep-11 21:29:16

There is no way in .... that I would back down to him I just want this to be over but am feeling somewhat drained already!

CactusRash Fri 23-Sep-11 21:36:20

I can see how draining it could be.
Also that he could make the process last for a very long time if he wants to.

I really would have a word with your sollicitor. If she has been happy to send him a letter saying he had to leave, I would imagine there is some ground for you to press him to leave.
In the mean time, keep reminding yourself you are not crazy and his behavior is not normal.
As you are getting divorced, I would also separte your lives as much as posible even if you live in the same house. Different bedrooms, no meal together etc... (Not sure if you have dcs and if that would be a manageable option). It would minimize the opportunties for him to act like this.

moonwood Fri 23-Sep-11 21:39:24

We have three DC and live in a 3 bedroom house. It has been suggested to me that we sleep separately and i could sleep on sofa and have left duvet and pillow down there in case I do feel I need to. DH works shifts so will be home late tonight hopefully i will be asleep by then.

CactusRash Fri 23-Sep-11 21:45:35

I think you really need to find a way so that you don't sleep together anymore.
Sofa is one way but perhaps not always the same person on it?

If he is working shifts, then reduce what you are doing for him (cooking meals, ironing etc..) to a minimum and try and have some activities planned for the week end where you are not all together (or would it be an issue for the dcs? Do they know about the divorce?)

SirSugar Fri 23-Sep-11 21:46:39

I would sleep seperately, and make it clear the more money he spends at the solicitors dragging it out is your childrens money as well, not just yours and his.

What grounds have you cited?

moonwood Fri 23-Sep-11 21:49:18

Unreasonable behaviour!

solidgoldbrass Fri 23-Sep-11 21:50:25

Definitely stop sleeping in the same bed as him. A man who is refusing to accept that the relationship is over is a man who might well sexually assault you in the night if you are in the same bed as him - because he doesn't think you are a person and certainly doesn't have any interest in your wishes and feelings - you are a 'woman', you belong to him and therefore he can have sex on you if he feels like it.
Is he physically violent? If so you can have him forcibly removed from the house and prevented from returning.

SirSugar Fri 23-Sep-11 21:51:52

start keeping a log then.

Don't share a bed with him

Let him cook for himself and wash his own clothes

buzzskillington Fri 23-Sep-11 22:01:10

Personally I would temporarily have the kids in all together and take a bedroom for yourself, and don't do anything for him anymore, by way of cooking/laundry etc. Make sure your bedroom has tv etc so you can retreat and be comfortable, if you need to.

FabbyChic Fri 23-Sep-11 22:02:35

He can refuse the divorce and you will have to wait five years.

If the house is in both names you cannot foreceable remove him.

solidgoldbrass Fri 23-Sep-11 23:20:39

Fabbychic: If he is abusive he can be forcibly removed - even if the house were solely in his name (if the couple are married and have DC a court will see it as the DC's home, and a violent man forfeits the right to live in their home). The fact that he wakes the OP up in the night is suggestive of abuse.

Moonwood, it's true that he can contest the divorce to the extent that you have to wait years to be divorced but if he is dangerous or abusive you can get him out of the house and away from you. Concentrate on that for the moment.

notsorted Fri 23-Sep-11 23:29:21

Sounds like he is in complete denial/shock, rather like some people make bad jokes after an accident or laugh hysterically. He will come to his senses soon enough and then likely to go through the anger or tears stage. Keep your distance, can you move into bedroom with one of the DCs? The more you think of the future without him the stronger you'll be. And ask what steps you have to take to show relationship has broken down irretrievably and from when if you are stuck in the same house - stuff like not eating together, sharing chores etc.

Anniegetyourgun Fri 23-Sep-11 23:43:31

My XH played games like that, said he was going to drag the divorce out "for the children" (hoping I'd run out of money and give up), and had to sleep in another room because he kept having a go in the night. I successfully divorced him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. It took two years from start to finish. The bad news is we spent that two years under the same roof, not recommended for your sanity. But it's all over now. Be hopeful, be strong, and you will come out of it the other side in one piece.

perfectstorm Sat 24-Sep-11 23:20:16

You can't actually make someone wait 5 years. It's only five years if you want to divorce on separation grounds without the other party's consent, but that's totally different grounds. Unreasonable behaviour is a lot quicker even if the ex argues the toss, as they can't win in almost every case.

You can contest a petition for divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour, but as the test is purely subjective and not objective (ie not "is this person so unreasonable nobody could be expected to live with them", but simply "does the applicant find them impossible to live with as a result of the behaviour described") I was always taught that it's pretty well impossible to lose if the grounds offered are essentially reasonable/plausible. The judge quoted to us said that it's hard to think of better evidence that a marriage has irretrievably broken down than a divorce petition on behaviour grounds, and as irretrievable breakdown is the only grounds (the other aspects are how you prove that's happened, iirc, which is why there is a time limit on divorcing over adultery). There's also the fact that a man arguing that someone has no right to divorce them is on a rather sticky wicket if the unreasonable behaviour described includes being controlling and refusing to accept his wife's perspectives as valid and meaningful. You could point out that his defending the petition and insisting a marriage doesn't need both parties to want to remain in it to continue rather proves the point.

Legal advice is always best obtained on the legal board here at MN. Several excellent family lawyers post. My own knowledge is patchy as it comes from a decade old LLB/LLM, but I do remember that bit about a divorce petition on behaviour grounds being pretty well indefensible, due to the subjective nature of the test applied, but I could be talking bollocks too. Non-lawyers and family law are a dangerous combo as it tends to be decided on very complex and flexible principles. It isn't like contract where there tend to be plain answers.

solidgoldbrass Sat 24-Sep-11 23:46:01

Divorce or not, you do not have to seek anyone's permission to dump them. He's dumped whether he likes it or not. Was the letter from your solicitor a prelimiary warning that you are going to apply for a non-molestation order ie having him removed from the house and forbidden from bothering you?

mamas12 Sun 25-Sep-11 00:08:40

STOP sleepng in the same bed as him fgs. Mixed messages or what - telling him to leave the house whilst sleeping in the same bed???
If you are afraid of him then talk to your sol. and ring woemends aid they would be able to help in a massive rl way.
good luck

moonwood Mon 26-Sep-11 11:41:44

Letter was from solicitor. And I am still sleeping in same bed but separate covers. I have asked him to sleep elsewhere he obv wont. I did sleep on sofa and then said i would make up bed in DC room then he went round telling kids that our room was "my room" victory to him. so am back in our room. Have told him that i am not doing washing this is unfair as he goes to work everyday and will only provide hot meal should he bother sit at family table. It is confusing am trying to keep things steady for DCs sake. I will keep my sanity, my DC and their home safe.

CactusRash Mon 26-Sep-11 13:50:10

Do your dcs know about the divorce? How much 'normality' are you trying to keep?

solidgoldbrass Mon 26-Sep-11 14:16:02

How old are your DC? It sounds like the sooner this man is removed from the house, the better. If the house belongs to you, he has no right to stay there, and if he is in any way physically aggressive towards you,he can be removed immediately and you can get an injunction to keep him out.

buzzskillington Mon 26-Sep-11 14:28:53

It doesn't matter who's winning - what matters is being safe and having breathing space. If you're sharing a bedroom, you have no space to retreat to and he can play silly buggers all through the night, making your life a misery.

Far better to let him have the room and his phony victory (you could strip out the nice stuff first for yourself, like matching bedlinen, pictures, tv etc, if you're desperate to win) and take over another room. Don't bodge up somewhere, have a nice space for yourself. The children won't suffer by sharing for a bit.

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