Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
is this more than just a flaw in the male brain(18 Posts)
Warning. This could be quite an essay.
Have name changed. Bit of background info. Been with bf for nearly a year and a half. 88% of the time he is fantastic, amazing, thoughtful, funny, caring, understanding and helpful. However, for the remainder of that time he acts like 6 year old which just sees in black and white and every things blatentely obvious and when I don`t see it it feels like a temper tantrum but in a 23 year old. I am 20. We have been living together for almost 6 months. When he loses it I feel hurt, intimidated and trapped, and often these are about trivial things I am aware people would probably laugh at. But it is like he cannot see the effect this has on people and when he has had an outburst he will constantly look for reassurance that I still love him that feels wrong and claustraphobic. He will grab my hand in the middle of an argument in trying to show a loving way but when im seething I would much more appreciate a full apology. When he loses it he will shout and swear, something that I hate because I hate confrontation, itscommon, but wont verbally abuse me directly but at the situation that guilt trips me and he makes me feel like im a constant burden when we row as he will play the poor little me martyr card that i get fed up with. The rows will never be more than half a day long and he will hardly apologise and try and turn it round on me all the time so I feelshit. When we make up, we make up and evrything will be perfect for about a week. I am starting to fear I am making a vicious circle as we seem unable to have a civilized disagreement, he will always go off and have tantrum. Don't know what to do. I know on mn their is a massive tendency to say leave the bastard but he has so many issues coming nto play here.
He was diagnosed withmild anxiety in his late teens and has also been tested for asd but didn't fit the whole criteria. He was also depressed for a couple of years after he split up with his ex in his late teens after being with her for most of the time he was a teenager. He also dealt with painkiller addiction due to a sports injury which he kicked. There is depression running n the family. He also developed eating addiction and seeking an expert pyschylogist help which I persuaded him to do. Thankfully he has lost nearly 3 stone so that side seems to be working! He has also picked up on how his brain works and said he is vvv lucky to have me as lots of people would not put up with his behavior. He desperately wants to be liked by everybody and this causes problems.
He is also pretty crap wit money as over the summer got himself into 1500 of debt. I know other people will be worse off but i kind of this think that was his choice as he spent loads on luxuries for the new house, going out over the summer etc. He had a temp job over the start of the summer that would of got him 600 quid but quit on the first day cus he was bored and due to a very recent death I the family I really couldn't be arsed to challenge it as much as i regret it.
His parents have been made redundant this year but my parents are n comfortably off jobs, secure and smart with money. Very smart. They choose to treat us occassinally, apart from the deposit in the three years ofuni I have never begged them for money but he just thinks that when we run low because of his bad choices and me bailing him out that he can just coerce me into asking them for money which feels wrong on every level because I like to be independent as possible. At the same time of doing this he will sometimes take the Mickey and say I can go running to mummy and daddy and everything will be alright which isn't my approach to life at all, but feels so ironic. He also recently got a cleaning job for few hiours a week which pays his rent and im really happy for him. However wht makes my blood boil is I get up before six every morning and come back betwee 5 and 8 as i am on my placement year that he moans he has to do everything and live two lives. I do have a condition that doesn't help with one of my worxt personality traits which makes me very disorganized and u tidy so I am very aware I am not perfect. Because of this I have put in a massive effort over the last couple of weeks to try and get out of these bad habits as i know they could affect my placement. However I honestly cannot see how im making any real mess. Im too tired on most days to make an evening meal so often choose sleep over food, my choice, and d get out clothes and get uniform ready for next day.
I am working twelve to seventeen hours a day and really want him to stop playing the victi im. I could give you examples if you want. Despite this most of the time I adore him and it makes me feel sick it could tear us part if he doesn't nip it in the bud now. Will post later.
This is crap. This is a crap relationship. You are only 20, get out now and find someone who is decent and doesn't yell at you. Or be alone for a while, it's much more fun not to be tied down in your 20s!!
Sorry but no all men are not like this.
His behaviour is not acceptable.
Cut your losses and run.
Oh God he sounds awful. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? There are many, many better men out there!
This is nothing to do with the male brain. This is to do with someone who has a lot of problems and also, by the sound of it, a massive sense of entitlement. He thinks that he is the person in the relationship and you are the 'woman' ie an appendage to him, there to meet his needs.
Walk away. His problems may not be all his fault (people can't help having MH issues) but neither are they your responsibility. You do NOT have to put up with being abused, bullied, hurt or shouted at.
He himself admits lots of people wouldn't put up with his behaviour. So why should you? It's an insult, no? Of all the people in the world, you're the one he gets to treat like crap, and you take it, therefore he is "lucky"?
How fucked up is that?
Other people don't go through this in relationships. I used to, it was awful. I only see how awful it was now that I'm in a happy relationship. If I could go back in time I'd never have moved in with him, I'd have cut it short when I had the chance. You've got a long long life ahead of you! But it's still too short to be spent like this. Go find someone who cherishes you.
He won't get better, he'll get worse. He will progress to hitting you, sooner or later, and it will be your fault for not being submissive enough, for not letting him have his own way, etc etc etc. Just dump him and walk away.
What difference does it make if its a flaw in the male brain or not? Although I confess I have no idea what you mean by that. I think you are saying he can't help his behaviour because he is male but I don't get that. My DH is male and he is lovely, so is my brother. Most people, male and female, are basically nice. The point is whether he is responsible for his behavior or not is irrelevant, as is the cause. You are not responsible for it, you have not caused it and you cannot change it. Its an awful relationship and you are under no more obligation to continue with it than you are to share your home with a lion whose brain will make him eat you.
88% is remarkably precise. How did you work that out?
Eh?? Baffled by what on earth this mans horrible behaviour has to do with being male. He sounds vile and you sound very unhappy. Do you have low expectations of relationships because of family issues? My dp is lovely so are all my male friends.
Get out of this relationship and get yourself some counselling to make sure you know how to find someone who makes you happy and is a good person
Why on earth do you adore this childish unkind lazy and aggressive person?
fuck all wrong with the "male brain"
Plenty wrong with your OH...
This guy is a massive fixer-upper, and the thing is, you're not Florence Nightingale, you're not Nick Knowles and a team of builders. He's in no state to be in a relationship, and the only one who can fix his myriad of problems is himself. He's a one-man disaster area.
You're spending an awful lot of time and energy 'understanding' him - and it shouldn't be like this, you shouldn't have to be putting down his ugly treatment of you to his past or whatever - he should be owning it and controlling it. A relationship shouldn't be this hard.
You've been together a year and half - that should be the honeymoon period, showing the best of yourselves to each other - and this is the best he's got!?! Seriously?
The thing is, you can't fix this man. It's his job to sort out his issues and stop being horrible. He may not be able to do it alone, but if he needs help, it's professional help that will do the trick.
OP, this litany of awfulness can and should 'tear you apart'! You sound as if you have a lot going for you, but let's look at what your partner brings to the relationship - debt, addiction, lack of commitment to working, anger issues, verbal abuse, continual rowing, sneering at your family, self-pity etc etc? What on earth is there to adore in this man, who treats you so badly, and appears to feel complacent about your willingness to put up with him?
You're 20 years old with your whole life ahead of you! Why on earth are you selling yourself so short? You are too young to have had much experience of relationships - please believe me, this is nothing to do with a 'flaw in the male brain', you just have a nasty, troubled boyfriend, who is not your job to fix. For what it's worth, I also met my partner in my teens, we're still together in our late thirties - and he is an utterly splendid human being. You deserve more.
When he loses it I feel hurt, intimidated and trapped
If you don't end this relationship, it is probable that you will become 'hurt, intimidated and trapped' all of the time.
Move on and find a good tempered and emotionally well-balanced man who will love and respect you.
At your age you should be enjoying your young years and this man will bring you nothing but misery.
Please listen to the wise advice above.
OP, you could have been me at 20. (Except I was pregnant by then.) Get out, get out now.
"Despite this most of the time I adore him and it makes me feel sick it could tear us part if he doesn't nip it in the bud now." Oh sweetheart, this makes me feel so sad for you. Please don't take the "easy" route and dismiss all the excellent, if blunt, advice here, because you think you can't deal with the heartache of ending it, or that it's a small issue to end it over, or that it's unfair because nobody else would put up with his flaws and you can see the good in him, or that nobody else could shape up to how wonderful he is. Or that a flaw this size is an acceptable compromise to put up with in a relationship. This guy might have many issues, but they are not your issues to work on, they are his. Only he can make that decision, and in a year and a half, has he made any serious efforts to, off his own back, not that you have persuaded him into?
You might dismiss the "leave him crowd", but I wish I'd had them at 20. In fact, if you tend to think that MN is biased towards men, it might be well worth examining your standards of men in general. What is your father like? The men you know can't be that nice if you are willing to excuse your bf's behaviour as a flaw in the male brain.
Join the discussion
Please login first.