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Opinions please, bin him or reset my expectations?!

(72 Posts)
bakewelladdiction Fri 23-Sep-11 13:57:42

This is my first post, be gentle with me please!

Am lone parent for last 3 years to truly adorable 6 year old son. His dad is in the picture and has him every other weekend, we don't communicate much.

I have been dating my current man for over a year, before that I knew him a friend for long time. We are both 34. He still lives with his mum!!! Not because he has to, but because he wants to, his brother also lives there.

It's all very strange. His mum is rather cold to me, example: "when are Op and her DS going as dinner is nearly ready" (we had to go and get some food at nearby restuarant as was dinner time and my boy was hungry and we live an hour away) My partner had invited us over on a sat afternoon, was about 3 when he arrived and she knew we were coming, have got loads of other similar examples but won't bore you with them!
My partner has always talked a good story, i.e. one day in the future we'll have a baby and live together etc, but this never seems to get any closer, and when I press him (Biological clock ticking and all!) he gets really stressed out with me and says the more I push the less the feels like doing it.
He is very nice to my boy, and generally nice to me, but hates any confrontation, talking about feelings etc.

Now I knew his ex fairly well and she put up with this exact behavior for 3 years, and finally binned him. I told him from the start I wanted another child and if he didn't then not get involved, he said he did and still does say that, but will not say when. He does not want to move in as he has it easy at home, he pays a very small amount and gets everything done for him, so why would he want to come here and have to pay half.

Am so sorry have rambled on. Do you think I should just give up and move on or do you think should keep trying?

I have allowed my son to get close to him

Grumpla Fri 23-Sep-11 13:59:01

Bin him.

If he ever moves out of his mother's house he will expect the same standards of service from you. Life's too short and you already have a child to look after.

Pagwatch Fri 23-Sep-11 14:00:07

He is not planning a future with you is he? He is hostile when you make any references to deeping the relationship. He wants things to stay exactly as they are.

What does that say to you?

ColdToast Fri 23-Sep-11 14:00:28

I would move on. I have a sneaking suspicion that if he ever did move in with you, you would be expected to take over where Mummy left off.

MrsPlesWearsAFez Fri 23-Sep-11 14:04:05

Bin the man child

2rebecca Fri 23-Sep-11 14:04:13

Bin him, if he wants to invite you round to his place for dinner then he should be cooking dinner, I don't blame his mother for not wanting to cater for 2 extra people who she hasn't invited.
Age 34 he is a lost cause. I would never want to live with a man who enjoyed being mothered and expected to be mothered.

buzzskillington Fri 23-Sep-11 14:05:10

It sounds a very odd set-up and your bloke's mother sounds like she would be a pain in the arse of a MIL if you ever did get together properly.

I say cut your losses. He's emotionally unavailable for one thing, and that's just crushing to deal with. Add in the weird inhospitable mother situation and having to eat elsewhere - and him not seeing the need to include you or stand up for you? Nope. Not worth it.

lolaflores Fri 23-Sep-11 14:05:17

This is a mirror image of a friends situation. Do not under any circumstances go any further. I think you know in your heart and soul that this is in actual fact a bad idea. no shame in airing your concerns. Turn around lady and head for the door. View this as one of those moments on your learning curve. Do listen to your instincts, they will tell you exactly what you think.

And by the way, Mummy is never going to warm up. In fact, that bitch is going to get much worse before it gets better. Far more fish etc. keep enjoying your son, he has a dad who is available to him. Fuck the bioligical clock.

AMumInScotland Fri 23-Sep-11 14:17:39

This man is never going to be more than a "boyfriend". If you really pushed him hard and gave him an ultimatum he might just move in with you and get you pregnant. But he'd still not be a partner to you or a parent to the resulting child.

Time to move on!

bakewelladdiction Fri 23-Sep-11 14:18:15

Thank you all so much, I knew it anyway it somehow makes it more real when you see the sense written down

Oh I forgot to mention I use him to babysit two nights a week as I work, and he's also pretty useful in the bedroom dept. I could just continue thinking about the good points, and reset my expectations, forget about the happily ever after, and the baby sad.
The one thing that is driving me mad just now is that he said his mum would be really upset if he didn't spend xmas there, I said fine if that is what he decides but we would be finished.
I am not actually as useless as all this is making me sound, I just wanted a nice step dad for my boy, and a brother or sister for him, I feel so bad he doesn't have what other kids do.

AvaLafff Fri 23-Sep-11 14:19:42

what did he say when you pointed out that you had to go elsewhere for food after being invited to his house?

thenightsky Fri 23-Sep-11 14:22:29

I wouldn't waste anymore time or effort on him TBH.

LaurieFairyCake Fri 23-Sep-11 14:24:36

His mum isnt treating you like part of the family either, I'm presuming you and your ds aren't invited to Christmas.

I think you should keep him as a casual boyfriend and inform him that actually you are looking for something different so you'll start looking around and will date others.

Pagwatch Fri 23-Sep-11 14:24:53


Can I just say, as someone who kissed a lot of frogs - being in a relationship should have as a very minimum the desire for two people to be together.
I have been married a long time but when we are apart dh and I miss each other. He wants to be with me, live with me, share life and stuff with me.

If you are with someone who does not want that then he does not care if he is with you or not. To nag and cajole him into a furthering intimacy may make him be with you more but it will not make him want to be with you more.

Ask yourself why you want to settle for someone who is showing you very clearly, very clearly, that he is not much fussed about spending more of his life with you. People who love each other do not behave like that. So why are you trying to make him act something he does not feel.

Find someone who phones you because he misses you, who wants to spend all his time with you.

buzzskillington Fri 23-Sep-11 14:25:20

You could have that life, but I doubt with this guy, who doesn't seem to want to cut the apron strings - and while you're seeing him, you won't get the chance to meet someone better.

bakewelladdiction Fri 23-Sep-11 14:26:38

he will not hear a word against his mother, and he said she likes me. Hmmm.

More examples : I can come to her birthday lunch but my son can not, even though it is my weekend with him, and I have no family to leave him with, apparently the restaurant is not appropriate for kids (my partner did not back me up or assist me with asking his mum if my son could come, I had to do alone as he got stressed out, and she just gave me a brick wall)- cue arriving at the restuarant to find it entirely populated with family with kids, yes posh people take their children to sunday lunch too! I was fuming but I was polite throughout the meal, and partner and I had a row afterwards. It was from this point on (a few weeks ago) I realised this was all screwed.

I am answering my own question here really. Its dooomed!

bakewelladdiction Fri 23-Sep-11 14:30:05

Pagwatch, I've tried to finish it so many times, he always talks me round, tells me all the stuff I want to hear.

lolaflores Fri 23-Sep-11 14:31:08

Ah yer all right Bakewell. Don't feel you have to buy into the happy ever afters shite. It will come but when you least expect it and it won't be in the shape of that arsehole. My friend's husband was 40 when they married and had always lived at home. Following the wedding, he had dinner at his mums for about 2 months after every day. His mum had hysterics each evening when he went "home".
In this case, I would say, do not settle for Mr. Rightnow, he will only turn out to be the biggest pain in the arse you have ever had the misfortune to land yourself with. Find another babysitter.

bakewelladdiction Fri 23-Sep-11 14:34:42

I will have to make sure I don't mention when i'm dumping him that I have asked all these strangers on the internet for advice and they have all unanimously told me to get rid! hahhahaha
Thank you ladies so much. this has been so helpful. x

2rebecca Fri 23-Sep-11 14:37:23

He hasn't really grown up has he? Part of maturing and becoming an adult is realising that your parents are human and have human failings and good and bad personality features. If a person of either sex thinks their parent is always right and is unable to criticise that parent then they are still a child mentally.
I love my dad and would hate it if my husband criticised my dad alot, but if I told my husband he could never criticise my dad's decisions and that my dad was perfect he'd think I'd lost it.
I'm only with my kids every other weekend and would rather miss going out for dinner than spending time with them, if my husband didn't accept this I wouldn't be with him.

Pagwatch Fri 23-Sep-11 14:38:10

Bakewell. It doesn't matter what he says. What matters is how he acts -that tells you more than easy words.
Don't sell yourself so short.

wannaBe Fri 23-Sep-11 14:38:19

aside from the fact that he is 34 and still living with his mother :

"I just wanted a nice step dad for my boy, and a brother or sister for him, I feel so bad he
doesn't have what other kids do."

I think you are in this relationship for the wrong reasons. There's no mention anywhere that you love him, and tbh you seem fixated on having another baby even though you've only been together for a year and not even living together yet.

I have no doubt that he is a manchild still living with his mother at 34 and that his mother is probably a nightmare.

But I think that all this talk of babies and commitment from the very outset of a relationship is equally good reason to back off (from his perspective).

I would probably get rid tbh, but not only because of him and his mother but because I don't think this relationship would have a long-term future if you're just in it for a baby.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding Fri 23-Sep-11 14:40:14

He doesn't really care that much about you. Don't waste any more of your precious time on him.

2rebecca Fri 23-Sep-11 14:41:31

I agree with wannabe, any bloke who started discussing having a baby before we were even living together would have me running away fast.

bakewelladdiction Fri 23-Sep-11 14:54:25

Wannabe, yes well spotted I do really want another child, I've done this mainly on my own, I could do it again if need be, but I do love him, I wish I didn't, this guy has been my friend for almost ten years, he's a good guy, good with my boy, he'd be a good dad, but he has issues, and of course I've prob got a few mild personailty disorders too, haven't we all!

If you know what you want is it not sometimes ok to just try to get it?

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