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cheated on while pregnant. what now

(40 Posts)
melody123 Thu 22-Sep-11 19:34:51

I dont know what to do or how to feel. 3 days ago I found out my partner of 14 years cheated on me while I was 6 months pregnant with our second daughter. My baby is only 3 months old. I am 34 and he is 36. He works abroad and only comes home for very short periods. He swears he only had sex with her once and prior to that kissed her on one occasion. But it appears he has been having an ‘emotional relationship’ with her for 8 months (I would have been about 4 weeks pregnant when it began) she was his shoulder to cry on as he says he thought I didn’t love him anymore. It is true we have not been happy for over a year probably due to the stress of having lived apart for the last 3 years but i never stopped loving him. when he cheated on me on top of being pregnant I was living alone as he worked abroad, I worked almost full time and was having a stressful time at work and I had a preschooler to look after. I had been suspicious for a while as he became different towards me and didn’t want to be near to me (he says that was guilt) months ago I caught him sitting in tears alone. I had not gone off sex he had and i gave affection only to be pushed away (again says this was guilt) Although I found out by hacking into his facebook messages I only did that as he said he was coming home to talk to me and deep down I knew what he was going to admitt to. he says he wants me back and will do anything to get me back. but him having had an emotional relationship with someone else is just as hard to cope with as the cheating with sex. i dont know whether to believe him when he says he still wants me as my self esteem is now so low. I just want the hurt to stop

melody123 Thu 22-Sep-11 19:37:05

sorry i would have been 4 monthsd pregnant not 4 weeks when their 'emotional relationship began

melody123 Thu 22-Sep-11 19:39:56

the other woman knew all about me and knew i was pregnant. Do some women get off on destroying other peoples lives

galleywench100 Thu 22-Sep-11 19:44:26

I'm so sorry to read your post, i know how you feel.
I divorced my husband last year as he cheated on me. Such a charmer with the ladies.
I think its a low shot saying he did it as a shoulder to cry on cos he felt you did not love him, its a very poor excuse for truely awful behaviour.

Take some time to think things through, you dont have to rush into any decision.
Maybe get some space as it is nearly impossible to validate things clearly in your mind when the person these decisions are about is around.

You have two young prescious children to care for so try and get some family support and talk openly to very close friends and family.

Take care and I hope that you are able to work things through in your mind.

x

MangoMonster Thu 22-Sep-11 19:44:48

That's terrible for you, not surprised your self esteem is low. You're doing really well coping with the kids under the circumstances. My reaction if it happened to me would be to leave him and let him know what he has done is completely unacceptable and you will not tolerate it. Then see how it goes... Once you're away from him and the situation, you can work on your self esteem and once you feel better, you'll know if it's worth giving another go. No matter how sad he was, he has behaved very badly and really let you down.

You should think about being without him, I don't think staying with him will be easy if you don't trust him and he works abroad a lot.

Do you have any support in rl?

MangoMonster Thu 22-Sep-11 19:45:51

Some women and men are selfish twats...

galleywench100 Thu 22-Sep-11 19:46:53

My mum always says, behind every bad man theres a bad woman..... I could never do that to another woman, it beggers belief. My ex was having an "emotional relationship" with my best friends sister, who was a good friend of mine!
Destroyed some friendships for too long!

JennaP Thu 22-Sep-11 19:48:26

i'm so sorry to hear this. Some women have such low self esteem that they can't seem to help themselves with unavailable men. I can't offer advice other than to say i hope you have people who love you to help you through this.

SimplyTes Thu 22-Sep-11 20:32:45

Hello, so sorry you are going through this hell. This is not your fault in anyway. He clearly was not going to confess...you found out. Is there any chance that you will be able to believe him again? If so counselling will be needed. Does he have any idea what he has done to you?

Please get hold of some RL friends x

daisystone Thu 22-Sep-11 20:58:09

I completely feel for you. I have been separated from my husband for two months. We have a baby who is nearly 10 months. This years has been hard and his business has crashed and I have been on my own bringing up the baby and doing it all alone. It all came to a head two months ago and then he buggered off to his brothers and met a barmaid and started this 'emotional affair' which I just know is now a physical one. Since that time he has gone AWOL. Literally cut us off. I wonder if that is guilt too as last time we spoke he could not tell me that he didn't love me and it seems that she got him at a weak moment and bolstered his self esteem and made him forget his problems.

Men are weak and cowardly. It is so hard to turn your feelings off though. When you love someone, you want to make it work. You are going to have to make babysteps and he is going to have to be patient with you. Unfortunately the heart wants what the heart wants. If only we could all be sensible and listen to our head. If you love him then you will have to try to trust again. But babysteps. Go slow and make sure he is sorry and trying to make amends.

I really do understand how you must feel. At least he wants to try to make it right. If you love him, then give him a second chance. Just beware of giving him a third chance

x

kunahero Thu 22-Sep-11 21:10:49

Utterly indefensible. Couldnt forgive that and as a bloke would not expect to have been forgiven.
Sorry you did not deserve to have him do that to you regardless.
Good Luck

melody123 Thu 22-Sep-11 21:18:27

thank you for your posts. Sadly the more I look into this I am finding that my situation is not uncommon at all. My problem is deep downI still love him and he is a loving father to my girls but one minute i want to be with him and the next i dont. He has not tried to put any blame on me and says it was all down to him. He says he will talk when i want to and give me space when i need it. I am worried that maybe he doesn't know what he wants and I am scared that if I take him back he may end up leaving me for her or continue a relationship with her and i would never know as he works abroad

MangoMonster Thu 22-Sep-11 21:48:33

It's a very hard situation to be in. I hope you find a way to deal with it. Time apart might help.

strictlycomedancingdiva Thu 22-Sep-11 23:15:31

Not an uncommon situation at all, melody, I feel your pain as have experienced it myself.

I would recommend looking at counselling together, is his work abroad indefinite? Would he consider looking for a job back home or would you consider re-locating? Probably alot to be thinking about at the moment. Take a day at a time, dealing with the fallout in your head as well as keeping it all together for the children is a mighty large challenge.

From my experience, its all about how you re-connect after the event, sadly I didn't manage it, and although I hung in there for 2 years, at the end of the day I found the damage irreparable.

However you will find people will come along with positive stories where they have made it work!

Take it easy, I hope you work through it.

SheCutOffTheirTails Thu 22-Sep-11 23:26:07

"He has not tried to put any blame on me and says it was all down to him."

That's rubbish.

Don't just listen to the words he says, listen to what they mean.

He is saying he did all this because he thought you didn't love him.

That is putting the blame on you for not making it clear enough how much you loved him. He is telling you that you neglected him and that is why he cheated.

While he was cheating on you he pushed you away and was very cold towards you. He did that for his own purposes - because he wanted to give himself permission to have sex with someone else.

Now he is pretending that it was "guilt" that caused him to be so cruel (when you were pregnant, and therefore very vulnerable).

He is not even close to accepting the blame for this or being honest with himself (never mind you) about what he has done.

Oh and as for that crock of shit about how he was going to tell you just when you found out for yourself? Does he think you fell down in the last shower of rain?

sternface Fri 23-Sep-11 00:58:10

I don't think he was going to tell you.

Neither do I think that he has had sex with her just once.

I also think that regardless of what he says, he has been shifting the blame on to you.

Most people's response to wondering whether they were still loved would be to come home and thrash it out - not have an affair and dress it up as a cry for help, or to depict the OW as some kind of ministering nurse-maid.

I expect the truth of this is that he allowed a flirty friendship, thought he was entitled to a bit of fun while he was working so hard, didn't doubt your love or feelings for a second and thought that he could get away with it.

He probably thinks that with a toddler and a baby, you'll force yourself to accept it. He'll go back to the same job and remain in contact with the OW and eventually you will get over it.

You will never regret showing that he has sorely misjudged you.

So I would tell him you want to separate right now and put the onus on to him to take any action to protect his future fidelity. That means binning the lame excuses and admitting why he was really unfaithful. It also means changing his job and putting a stop to being a weekend/holiday husband and father. See what he does while he's apart from you and be slow to take him back.

If you try to accept what's happened and he does nothing but spout platitudes, he will learn nothing and will do this again to you.

babyhammock Fri 23-Sep-11 07:55:41

Exactly what shecutofftheirtails and sternface said

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 23-Sep-11 09:23:22

I would get Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass - I found it very helpful.

I agree you need time and space to think things though especially since you will be experiencing lots of different emotions.

You H will need to end all contact with OW, take full responsibility and do everything to repair the damage and help you recover. Remember that its actions not words that you need to look out for.

melody123 Fri 23-Sep-11 09:36:17

My suspicions were brought on by his face book messaging and thats when I confronted him and confessed. the problem is he confessed over the phone in an airport abroad so I couldn't vent my anger. Regrtetably I took it out on his facebook wall - I wrote all the details on there and now everyone knows. His sister removed everything I put on the next morning but everyone had already seen it. I have had other mums at the school telling me their husbands had read all the details. How could I ever consider taking him back now everyone knows anyway.

anewmotivatedme Fri 23-Sep-11 09:44:24

Have you tried relationship counselling. I don't think I could forgive, in your position. I would have done exactly the same with Facebook. Don't worry what other people think, its what you want that counts.

Is there any way he could move back to UK? Hugs and kisses.

HerHissyness Fri 23-Sep-11 09:46:26

I don't think you should take him back tbh.

he needs to give you more than one good reason to do so!

Hold your head high and make HIM do the work to make it up to you.

How DARE he do this to you?

sternface Fri 23-Sep-11 09:50:40

It intrigues me what differences there are in behaviour after a shock. I wonder whether subconsciously, you did this because you knew that if no-one knew about it, you'd end up persuading yourself that you could forgive?

What's done is done, so best to concentrate on the positives of people knowing. One of the downsides of people not knowing is that the person who's behaved badly can almost convince himself he's the same decent, upstanding person he always thought himself to be - and that doesn't help with the very necessary realisation that he needs to change - and fast. People knowing also allows you to reach out for their support and help. You won't feel so isolated going through this.

The other positive about this is that you are putting the blame and responsibility where it belongs and this gives a cue to others to follow suit.

I think in this case, people knowing will actually help with your resolve for what needs to happen in these early days i.e. separation.

StewieGriffinsMom Fri 23-Sep-11 09:55:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brianmayshair Fri 23-Sep-11 10:11:29

Essentially you have been managing well on your own as a single parent whilst not only does he get to work overseas but seems to have been enjoying himself a little too much.

Can you ever really forgive him? Although it is very, very hard and sad think about the fact that your babies are young and used to the set up of him living elsewhere if you take him back and then he does this again or you can't forgive him the will have to go through the separation.

Like someone else said he has blamed you by saying you he didn't think you loved him, so what does this give him license to have and affair anytime your attention is somewhere else? You were pregnant he should of been the one looking after you and making you feel special perhaps he would have got something in return. Could you have done this to him? and if not what does this say about his respect for you and his ability to hurt you to get his own needs met.

Sorry your going through this.

melody123 Fri 23-Sep-11 10:36:08

to brianmayshair. No I would not have cheated on him. He has now admitted that he used to speak to her on the phone when he was on his weekends home here. But says it is me that he lovees. things ar e now different i initially thought it was a flirt and a mistake but if he talked to her on his weekends home with me it was a relationship

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