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Feeling bored with my marriage

(17 Posts)
greatwhiteshark Thu 22-Sep-11 12:41:33

I love my husband, because he's a good man. But I'm bored. I've been enjoying chatting to new people at a group I've started going to once a week. It's stimulating, and interesting, and intelligent and, above all, new.

I've been married for 10 years, with my DH for 13, and we got together young. And we have children. And I'm a SAHM.

I can manage the children, that's not the issue. They'll grow up and I'll get a life of my own then...actually, that's not fair. I do have a life of my own - I have my own interests and I go out etc. But, what I mean is, I won't have any dependent-type ties in a few years.

But, every now and then at the moment, I keep having periods when I just want to meet someone else. I don't want to marry someone else, but I want to meet someone, flirt, have it maybe lead somewhere, be exciting.

And, I know I'm selfish - you don't need to tell me that - but I want it all. I want all that and I want my husband to be at home loving me and being wonderful, and I want to love him too - I do love him. I'm just bored.

And when I get like this, I get sad, and cry, and then my children pick up on my mood and behave like little ratbags, and I know that it's all my fault for being ungrateful and selfish.

Can anyone help me work out what the hell to do so I'm not living the rest of my life wishing I wasn't living it this way?

Taghain Thu 22-Sep-11 13:49:23

How old are your children?
I get the same feelings sometime; everything's too samey.

How about finding a part-time job so that you meet more people during the day? Can you make sure that you all go out together at weekends so that you do interesting stuff with your husband?
Or just start doing more with him and getting babysitters in the evenings?

I hope you conquer that niggling boredom.

BluddyMoFo Thu 22-Sep-11 13:52:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MangoMonster Thu 22-Sep-11 13:56:38

Sounds like you need a change or a challenge, volunteering or something that will give you a buzz but not destroy your family.

Proudnscary Thu 22-Sep-11 14:30:22

No you're not being selfish, you're being honest BUT you must find stimulation and satisfaction in a way that does NOT involve another man.
Otherwise you risk wrecking your dc's happy home life.
My honest to God advice to you is: Get a job. A job that you feel passionate and excited about. Even if part time, even if you have to retrain.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Thu 22-Sep-11 14:59:05

If you can't get a job or retrain, as scary has suggested, find a cause or an interest/hobby that you can feel passionate and excited about.

Or use your fantasies as the basis for a racy chicklit novel. Apportion 'tightly laced bodices', 'heaving bosoms', cankle-free 'neatly turned ankes' 'broad shoulders', 'slim hips', and 'muscular thighs' to the characters of your choice and get down and dirty with a succession of other men wink

RandyRussian Thu 22-Sep-11 15:00:07

Thing is after a few years you get bored with the same-oh day after day.
Can you and your DH find a new interest to share together?

planetpotty Thu 22-Sep-11 15:14:58

I have known many friends throw away happy marriages and bitterly regret it for a bit of fun.

Slightly harsh bit coming....
Can you imagine if the worst was to happen, say you did flirt and have it lead somewhere with someone? Your DH finds out leaves you and then remarries a couple of years later has more DC with the new wife? Do you think you would regret it? From your OP I would take a guess you would. Also it would cause huge problems with the relationship you have with your DC - not judging or wanting this to hurt, really im not - but I just think you need to have a very deep look at what the concequences of spicing your life up through this route are. (im sure you have anyway but sometimes good to have a bit of outside perspective).

I really just dont think its worth the risk to you and your family most definately try and spice things up in the ways that everyone above has said. Playing away seldom ends in any happiness for anyone least of all the DC.

Hope things get better soon and go easy on yourself you got together young so I would say its completely natural to feel the way you do smile

OneHandFlapping Thu 22-Sep-11 15:24:41

Could you face telling your children that "Daddy isn't going to live here any more", knowing the pain that will cause them, for such a paltry reason as boredom?

You gave up the right to have a variety of partners when you married and had children.

My mum always said that only boring people are bored. I'm not sure that is true, but I find that it is a good incentive to find a new challenge - sport, retraining for a new career, writing a novel, or whatever. Something more productive than shagging a new man, anyway.

Punkatheart Thu 22-Sep-11 17:20:29

I am on the other side - my OH has left and please please don't put everyone through the pain. It won't make your life more exciting. Find your life, find your interests...find a lovely gay male friend if you want male company....

josephinebonaparte Thu 22-Sep-11 17:52:08

I feel the same as the op, like I can't face another 60 years if the same life. You are not alone op.

ike1 Thu 22-Sep-11 17:56:24

Oh god Ill swap ur life with mine. I wake up sad everyday cos my husband left to be with an OW. That was 2 yrs ago.

blackcurrants Thu 22-Sep-11 18:30:36

A job, I think. Or a cause. Become stridently enthusiastic about something. I think meeting more people (not in a romantic way!) will help you.

I don't think you want someone else to shag, not really. I think you want to feel desired, and to desire someone. Feeling needed/useful/admired/relied on in a work or voluntary situation gives exactly that "I am awesome!" rush, but without the misery and heartbreak and guilt and did I mention the misery?

Might you perhaps be having a teensy mid-life crisis? Looking around you and thinking "is this it?" - if so, shake things up. Get a job. Find something you like, EVEN if it doesn't make you much money.

greatwhiteshark Thu 22-Sep-11 20:39:16

Thank you all for your responses.

1. I am not going to have an affair. That absolutely is not on the cards. But the dream of it is messing with my mind, and highlighting all the faults in my life with my husband...which I know would be there, in a different guise, in a life with any man. I am not naive.

2. Absolutely, I agree it's a midlife crisis. I am not bored with my life, I'm bored with my love-life. I have a fantastic, interesting, exciting hobby, but it doesn't turn me on or make me think 'ooh, he might kiss me!', however, I love the idea of writing some erotica...

3. ike and Punk - I know, I know I'm ungrateful. My Dad was an unfaithful, violent, alcoholic husband. I am under no illusions that I live a charmed life and I should be grateful for it, but at the moment I'm going through a bad patch, and I am trying to work out how to fix it because I know how lucky I am and I don't want to feel like this.

4. YY to doing more together. We're not doing enough together, except collapsing on the sofa at the end of the day in front of the TV. After discussion with the most wonderful friend in the world today, I have now asked my parents to have our children for a night and a day every three or four months, and to babysit for an evening once a month. There is something I haven't done for years that DH does with his friends, and that's climbing - we're going to go bouldering together once a month and I can't wait.

MangoMonster Thu 22-Sep-11 20:46:58

Happy to hear that, good luck with it all.

planetpotty Thu 22-Sep-11 20:50:27

Thats brilliant smile

blackcurrants Thu 22-Sep-11 21:14:22

Aww that's a great plan GWS. I sometimes have to sort of remember how much I actually do fancy DH, if you see what I mean. Cos so much of our life is 'did you get the milk?" and "where are his shoes? Where's his sippy cup?" and crud like that.

But sometimes -specially when we spend time together doing random stuff and hobbies that we did before we had DS - it really brings to the front things about him that I find rather sexy. Not "lovely" - but phwaarrr worthy.

And damn straight, you should read and write some classy erotica! smile

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