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I'm doing the right thing

(14 Posts)
krispykremeaddict Thu 22-Sep-11 10:42:50

Ok, I have this ex. We've been on and off for three years and it's been quite intense. I was more into him than he was me, and I knew that he wasn't very good for me. I often felt used sexually, he was always 'borrowing' money and he would insult my appearance. I know, what a catch. But I loved him...sigh

A few months ago, I got my shit together, got some counselling and stopped seeing him. Cue him deciding that he was in love with me. I have spent the past three months fending him off. He's been promising the world and saying the right things, though I haven't been 'feeling' them (i.e. believing). It hasn't been easy, but I felt it was for the best. However, last week, I succumbed. I really feel that I let myself down, but this was the first I'd seen of the 'new' (ie. fake) him, and I didn't want to be questioning it forever. Well, I now know I've done the right thing. But a bit of confirmation from this board will help reaffirm that if anyone will oblige.

The first night was lovely, but old habits die hard.

The second night I was with him, I can't say I felt very romanced. I cooked for him (I like doing that, it's fine), but then he wasn't very attentive (only groping, nothing 'nice'). I fell asleep and he tried to hump me while I was asleep (I was conscious enough to say 'get the fuck off, I'm ASLEEP') and then in the morning I was treated to that move we all love, the old, 'force her head to my crotch'. Needless to say, I left very swiftly in the morning. We've since had an argument about it - me basically being accused of being frigid, me saying I just feel used, him saying that when adults love each other, they have sex. I tell him I need intimacy first. I know that this isn't unreasonable of me.

additionally, he admits (after weeks of denying) that he has issues with control in our relationship at a general level. When I confront him about specific aspects, he denies it is control. e.g. wanting me to cancel meetings with my friends ('You prefer to be with her than me, you don't love me', 'I only say it because I want to spend time with you'). I also dress in a particular way (which I do Monday-Friday for me, and I am generally very dressed up), but on the one day of the week I wear comfy casual clothes, he tells me it's a turn off -and if I pull him up on not accepting me as I am, he says he just likes it when I look nice. Of course, he denies being controlling.

As things stand, I'm not returning his calls or texts. I need to stay that way.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Thu 22-Sep-11 10:47:50

verbal, emotional, sexual, and financial abuser.

Stay away.
Well done on cutting contact; it's essential.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 22-Sep-11 11:02:05

Ex's are ex's often for good reason; in your case this particular ex is abusive and thus bad news all round. Controlling men are abusive, his behaviour is abusive.

You need to stay away from him, delete his calls and texts and not get drawn in again. You need to go NO contact. He will use any old declaration of love or tactic to get you back and it worked previously; controlling men do not let go of their victims easily.

Controlling men are often angry men too and always deny being controlling.

If you've never read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft I would suggest you do so. Also continue with the counselling and work further on your own self esteem and worth. Bad boys are just that - bad.

SingOut Thu 22-Sep-11 12:09:39

Is it possible to change your phone numbers and block or filter him from your email so that when he (inevitably) turns on the charm, you won't be susceptible to it as you won't even be reading it?
Well done on seeing the light, by the way grin

RabbitPie Thu 22-Sep-11 12:13:14

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 22-Sep-11 12:33:49

I can see why you felt that you should give the "new him" a chance. You'd always have been wondering if he really had changed. As it turned out, he couldn't keep the act up for a whole 24 hours.

As for pronouncing on what adults do, how would Mr "you want to see your friends, you don't love me" know anything about adult behaviour? That's toddler stuff.

Punkatheart Thu 22-Sep-11 12:36:38


You deserve a good man and this is not a good man - on any level.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Thu 22-Sep-11 16:14:44

The 'new' him was the 'old' him wearing a temporary mask to fool you into thinking that you could believe him when he told you he'd changed.

Leopards don't change their spots - and very few men and women are capable of changing theirs.

If you don't feel you can change your addiction to this controlling and abusive man, change your sim card, delete him from your emails/FB etc, and get out there and find a man who's worthy of your love and respect.

mumsamilitant Thu 22-Sep-11 16:31:44

If you can't manage to do any of this stuff yourself get a friend to help, let her delete everything so there's not even one "little" communication hiding somewhere.

ToPeeOrNotToPee Thu 22-Sep-11 16:54:09

I've been in a 'relationship' with a similar type of man. He's just using you. It's a horrible place to be and you do deserve better

Chrononaut Thu 22-Sep-11 19:24:23

you're doing the right thing, well done you smile

be strong and dont answer those calls or texts! delete or block the numbers and go see some friends smile

MangoMonster Thu 22-Sep-11 19:52:59

He's a complete twat and you are doing the right thing smile

Sofiaintherye Fri 23-Sep-11 19:26:38

Well, you should be celebrating now, congratulations for getting rid of this moronic asshole. I like your writing style, I am sure you'll find someone cute very soon.

krispykremeaddict Fri 30-Sep-11 09:32:26

Thank you for all your responses. It's been really helpful. I'm being civil with him when I see him out and about, but that's it. We had a further conversation where he pointed out things I needed to do (cosmetic surgery!) in order for us to be together. I told him this was absolutely unacceptable, he couldn't accept me for me and for what it's worth I can't accept him as he is.

Things have moved on quite quickly. I've had a couple of dates with a man who doesn't criticise my appearance, and I was talking about being in the gym and Cheryl Cole being on MTV and me wanting to look like her and this chap asked why I would want to look like her as I am much prettier, and a lovely person. <vom> I know it's a lie, but at least it's a good one! We'll see how things go, it's early days, I can't tell if he's into me and it is VERY VERY complicated. But not as complicated as the former. I'm sure a thread on this fella will appear in the future.

sofiaintherye thank you for your comment about my writing style - it's really kind of you to say.

Thank you all for confirming what I should know for myself.

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