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When you end a relationship, how do you deal with aftermath.......

(24 Posts)
WoodchipWall Wed 21-Sep-11 15:03:51

Hi, kind of new here although a lurker for a while.

I have recently ended a relationship after years of attempting to do so. Has been so hard for me and has taken a lot of self-help books, assertive DVDs, talking to friends, family, womens aid, even samaritans at a very low point til I was blue in the face.

So its done, me and 3 DSs are in a place, all in my name....no ties other than DSs and a few debts to split.

I have also said that DSs are as much his as they are mine and he can see them whenever he wishes and as much as he wishes.

The ex is finding it incredibly hard. He keeps ringing me in tears. Keeps telling me that I've destroyed his life. Says he has no life and it is because of me.

I am a little frightened of him as he can be quite intimidating and I just don't know how to handle him anymore.

Obviously we will always need to be in contact due to our sons but I don't want to see him anymore as once he's in the same room as me he corners me and I cannot get away (in that he can talk and talk and goes from almost begging me to take him back to being nasty and bitter and calling me names).

When he is like this with me I feel sorry for him and nearly always end up blurting out "OK, we can work it out, lets try again" but have managed not to this far.

I do not love him anymore but as he still loves me, it's very hard to feel strong enough to not back down.

We have spent years trying to get over issues that happened at the start of our relationship but just were going around in circles and I just got so tired of it all and realised life is too short and my feelings for him went a long time ago. We got together very young and I feel that we still had a relationship that we did in our early 20s with no hope of moving forward.

So I guess my reason for posting today is to see how other women in a similar situation managed to get past this and be strong and did you perhaps help your ex to move on, or is that not possible?

Despite my not loving him and not wishing to be with him anymore, I guess I still care for him as he is the dad to my 3 boys and we were together a long time.

I am just feeling such a bitch right now, but not done anything specifically wrong really other than wanting to be out of a relationship.

Thanks for any input.

buzzskillington Wed 21-Sep-11 15:11:40

Well done on getting out, it sounds like it's been a hard road.

Your ex can collect the children from the doorstep, you know - you've no need to let him in or be in the same room. You could possibly get someone else to be there for hand-overs, so, say your mum(?) answers the door, gets the coats on and all that?

You should probably also limit phonecalls to the necessary, about access and finances only - if he starts on, then you end the call.

You're not responsible for his happiness. You don't owe him a listening ear. You don't deserve his abuse or heaping on of guilt.

buzzskillington Wed 21-Sep-11 15:13:05

I also think you should formalise access, instead of having it so loose that he can see them whenever. Makes you too accessible to him and he obviously can't behave.

WoodchipWall Wed 21-Sep-11 15:16:51

Thank you Buzz

I know you're right and it is so easy to read it there in front of me but in reality I find it a lot of difficult.

I will get someone to do handover.

I know I'm not responsible for his happiness and he ensures I am aware that I've caused his despressed state!

Its just hard to feel that you have caused someone to feel so awful....

Nippysnippy Wed 21-Sep-11 15:18:30

Restraining order.
He can see the children either through a third party at a prearranged time or via a contact centre.
It is quite worrying that you are in a position where you allowing yourself to be abused by this man.
You need to formalise arrangements and put some boundries in place until he accepts your relationship is over.
He sounds like one scary/sick individual.
Do not invite him in. Do not let him into your home under any circumstances and if he forces the issue call the police. He is harrassing you.

WoodchipWall Wed 21-Sep-11 15:18:48

Yes OK will try and make access more formal, would you say to perhaps get something legal drawn up?

As of yet I have not sought proper legal advice, just a free half hour meeting which I did not follow up.

Nippysnippy Wed 21-Sep-11 15:20:16

Oh yes and change your number. Allow him to contact you only via email whereby you will have a written log should you need to evidence anything.

WoodchipWall Wed 21-Sep-11 15:20:28

How would I go about a restraining order? I've heard of them of course but would one be granted for a case such as mine?

Nippysnippy Wed 21-Sep-11 15:21:52

Def go down the legal route. Then refer any Q's he has via your legal representative. Have absolutely no interface with this man.

WoodchipWall Wed 21-Sep-11 15:22:20

I just worry that changing my number and/or not answering calls is going to infuriate him and make things work.

I wanted to keep things as amicable and civil as possible??

buzzskillington Wed 21-Sep-11 15:24:36

I know it's totally easy for me to say and not so easy to put in practice smile.

But you need a bit of anger - this man intimidates you, verbally abuses you and emotionally blackmails you - that's not nice and it's a choice he is making to behave in that way. If he loved you properly, he would indeed be gutted, but he wouldn't try to coerce you into trying again.

Nippysnippy Wed 21-Sep-11 15:25:04

See a solicitor re the restraining order. They can get one on an emergency basis. He is behaving in an intimidatory manner. List down all the behaviours outlined above and how it made you feel. Keep a log of any calls etc until you get your number changed.
He doesn't sound well and you need to protect your children and yourself.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Wed 21-Sep-11 15:25:26

Visit www.ncdv.org.uk and give them a call.

lubeybooby Wed 21-Sep-11 15:25:35

Have a phone that only he has the number for, or if you don't want him to know what you are doing keep your crrent phone just for him but change your number with everyone else.

Switch it off when you want some peace from the rubbish and stress.

It's what I did when leaving my 10 year marriage. He was fine after a while it just took me being quite distant and the phone thing to get there.

Nippysnippy Wed 21-Sep-11 15:28:09

The fact that you are worried that it will make things worse speaks volumes.
You need some protection now.
Nobody should feel intimidated in their own home.
You have told him it's over. He's not listening.
Time to act.

WoodchipWall Wed 21-Sep-11 15:30:42

Good idea with phone thing - thank you.

I always think of abuse and physically harming someone and friends and family have called him verbally abusive and a bully but I just felt he was hurting and struggling. I told me mum some of the names he has called me and she hit the roof! She hadn't realised.

Right, will get an appointment with a solicitor and change phone.

I've got such a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach........feeling a bit sick about it all.

WoodchipWall Wed 21-Sep-11 15:32:06

I really want to feel free, just don't yet.....

Nippysnippy Wed 21-Sep-11 15:35:46

You will feel so much better once you have actioned this. Good luck.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Wed 21-Sep-11 15:38:19

You have not caused his 'depressed' state. You've shown courage in moving out and moving on and now it's up to him to do the same for himself.

Changing your phone number won't help and, presumably, you need to be easily contactable by him if he has the dc and vice versa.

If you get an excessive number of calls/texts from him, turn your phone off at night and be selective about which calls you answer and which texts you reply to.

If possible, try to arrange matters so that you are never alone with him.

buzzskillington Wed 21-Sep-11 15:40:27

I'd do what lubey suggests - get a second phone and have everyone else use that one, while he's only got the other.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Wed 21-Sep-11 15:43:31

You don't feel free at the moment because you are not fully in control while he has the power to verbally abuse and intimidate you, when he's not begging for a reconciliation.

It sounds as if your mum is supportive - can you ask her to be on hand when he collects/returns the dc?

WoodchipWall Wed 21-Sep-11 16:13:04

Yes, my Mum is very supportive and has been my back-bone. She would be happy to help out I'm sure.....

WoodchipWall Thu 22-Sep-11 10:30:33

Feeling worried today.......he is picking up boys from school tomorrow and dropping them to the house after. My middle son always pines for him when he's gone and ex uses this as a way to look at me in way that says "see, what you've done, you've caused our son to feel this way".

Must get someone over I think but it's worrying me already.

buzzskillington Thu 22-Sep-11 12:11:38

Get someone over and have them answer the door to the kids, and keep him on the doorstep. You can busy yourself making their favourite meal or something in the kitchen, or pop out somewhere just before they're due back (whoever's supporting you can call you once he's gone). There's no need for you to be available to him for his nasty looks and emotional blackmail.

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