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What do you think of this? (Embarrassing)

(55 Posts)
OrangeJuiceWithBits Wed 21-Sep-11 14:41:48

So embarrassed to be discussing this, but need some advice.
I have a fairly open minded view of porn - I don;t mind if my partner looks occasionally, as long as it's not 'replacing' me or affecting our sex life. But he has looked at some porn that i don't understand (i.e. don't understand why it turns him on). It's transsexual porn - a category which I didn't even know existed until now. He has denied that it turns him on, and looked extremely embarrassed when I asked him about it (he had forgotten to delete the history), saying that it was curiosity. But it's happened twice. The web site wasn't just pictures either - it allowed the users to send messages to people working as prostititues, which he had done. I could see the message, and I could also see that only one message had ever been sent (he had signed up months ago, but the account was obviously rarely used because he had tonnes of junk mail which he hadn't even read). His message simply asked 'where are you based?' But I don't understand why he'd even want to know the answer to that question.

It would be easy to tell me that DP has problems and is planning to cheat on me to fulfil this fetish, but please believe me that it DOESN'T sit well with his character otherwise. He's never cheated on me in 6 years (I seriously don't see when he'd do it - we're always together, and when he's on rare nights out with the boys etc, he always calls me and comes home when he says he will). Our sex life is healthy. I want to believe that there is another explanation. He didn't get angry when I asked him about it - he just got VERY embarrassed and said 'why couldn't you have given me the benefit of the doubt?" He also said that he was taking advantage of the anonymity of the internet to see if he would get a reply, and that he understands that he shouldn't have done it and will never do it again. He added that he's always been curious about 'the weird things on the internet.' Please help me to work out whether this is 'just what guys do' and that he deserves another chance, or whether I should be worried sick, which I am right now. I would imagine that most guys would be sickened by this kind of thing and would never send a message, for whatever reason.

antlerqueen Wed 21-Sep-11 14:47:45

Would it be different for you if he'd just sent messages to females on similar sites?

Definitely not 'just something guys do'

OrangeJuiceWithBits Wed 21-Sep-11 14:56:23

It would be different - I think I'd find it worse, because it wouldn't have the weird aspect IYSWIM... I'd just find it highly unlikely that he'd need to ask a female prostitute where she was based. Whereas, I guess he's saying that he was exploring whether these other people really would reply, because they seemed so unusual?? Am I being stupid to think that?

MrGin Wed 21-Sep-11 15:28:14

Speaking as a bloke a fairly normal one, I can assure you that this is not 'just what guys do'.

Each to their own, but transsexual porn..... I'd run a mile from it personally, and as far as I know everyone of my male friends would too. I wouldn't even look at it in curiosity.

Once is a mistake ( possibly ) twice is something else.


peterpan99 Wed 21-Sep-11 15:29:21

i think your trying to pretend to yourself that its nothing
My partner looks at porn, i know what he looks at, and it has never been anything like this! Its not just something guys do im afraid! If it was a group of mates looking and doing it for a 'laugh' then it would be ok but your DH is doing it alone in private, and is embarrased by being caught

mumsamilitant Wed 21-Sep-11 15:34:14

Agree with MrGin. No, not normal in my book.

He may not of acted on this yet but he wants to or eventually will.

MrGin Wed 21-Sep-11 15:43:42


There could be legitimate reasons. I'm just speculating, I don't want to freak you out.

It does sound like something latent. I think admitting an attraction to the same sex, especially as a man is a pretty crushing thing, amplified if your married. I used to live in Brighton near a cruising area, and I was told by gay friends that a fair amount of 'hetro' married men would head down there.

I think you need to have a honest talk with him and get to the bottom of it.

Emailing a prostitute doesn't mean he's gone there, but it does suggest an intent even if he hasn't acted on it.

OrangeJuiceWithBits Wed 21-Sep-11 15:59:29

Thanks MrGin. My heart sank when i read your reply, but I think I need to hear it. The thing is, I truly don't know what to do. Do you really think there would have been intent there, and not just 'let's see if I get a reply' when he was bored one day?! Even I have looked at things on the internet that I would be embarrassed to admit to someone, just out of interest! (although not porn...)
We DID have an honest talk. He said things like 'you know I'm straight!!' - which i do... there's no question of him having difficulty being turned on by me (sorry if tmi) and I know from researching this 'topic' (I wish I'd never had to!) that apparently it's straight men who tend to look at this kind of porn! But it's not really a gay vs straight thing - it's a case of whether he has a strange fetish/fantasy, and whether it would ever be acted on. I would never be able to imagine it, but equally I'd never be able to imagine what he's done so far either. I feel sick to my stomach that there could be a whole other side to him that will remain hidden. How on earth do you start to make sense of something like this? I can't keep raising it with him as he's already given me a hundred reassurances and said it was just curiosity. I'm just left with this awful feeling that surely ALL men in his situation - guilty and innocent - would protest innocence.
I just need to know if anyone would believe him, or whether I am being hopelessly naive.

HereIGo Wed 21-Sep-11 16:10:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peterpan99 Wed 21-Sep-11 16:10:44

personally i wouldnt because if it was just out of interest or a joke, i know my partner would have told me/looked when i was there rather than do it in secret.
When you say its mostly straight men that look at this kind of porn, I dont think it is straight men, they are men who are not openly gay and theres a big difference

Malificence Wed 21-Sep-11 16:14:41

It could simply be a kind of morbid fascination, most people will gawp at a "freakshow", this is , in some ways the modern day equivalent - it doesn't automatically mean that he has a fetish for shemales .
The message would concern me more, that does seem an extreme action to take.
You must have a gut feeling of whether or not he is being honest?

peterpan99 Wed 21-Sep-11 16:15:53

yeah asking where they are based is a bit shifty. Why would he want/need to know this?

Renaissance227 Wed 21-Sep-11 16:19:47

It's one thing just looking and "maybe" getting turned on by this kind of porn. BUT it is another thing entirely to email a prostitute/shemale to ask where they are based!!!
I would not trust the reason for the email at all. That just sounds too curious to me!
I've known people get turned on by this kind of porn but NEVER, EVER consider contacting someone.

Malificence Wed 21-Sep-11 16:19:51

I can believe that straight men look at it, it doesn't meant that they are latent homosexuals, any more than a straight women looking at lesbian porn is denying her sexuality, there is a huge spectrum of sexuality, very few are at the extreme end.

OrangeJuiceWithBits Wed 21-Sep-11 16:23:23

This is horrible, but if anything my gut feeling tells me that he's not telling the truth. I should clarify that the first time i discovered this stuff, we'd only just starting seeing each other. it was literally years ago (yes, i've sat on it for years!!!) and I was being curious myself by looking at his internet history. i have always been a bit sneaky with new relationships - it wasn't a nice thing to do to him. But I was shocked when I saw that.
Then... after getting comfortable with the fact that it was a moment of curiosity, i discovered the message 2 years later. I feel so so stupid writing this down. I can imagine what everyone must think. I raised it with him, and obviously said that it seemed like something more than curiosity given that it had happened twice (and way more times for all I know). He insisted it WAS only twice (don't worry - I don't believe that part at all), but most of all he insisted that he's merely fascinated by the weird and wonderful, and always has been. I remember him saying 'I would NEVER act on something like that - you know me!'

I feel like I've always known what other people would think, and now I've asked for these opinions i don't know what to do about it. Since all this happened, we've got married and had a baby. There have been no repeats, but all of this keeps going round in my head.

Renaissance227 Wed 21-Sep-11 16:28:10

The "you know me line" has ALWAYS proved, in my experience, to be a cover up to help get away with something.
I would be horrified to find out my DP had contacted a shemale prostitute to find out where they are!!!

Malificence Wed 21-Sep-11 16:31:51

I think that if you honestly feel you are not getting the truth from him then you should put a keylogger on the computer, sneaky and mistrusting , yes - but at least you will know 100% what he is looking at , for how long and how often. It will drive you insane otherwise.
I know lots of folk think that people are entitled to have privacy within a relationship, fair enough, but not at the expense of their partner's peace of mind.

Renaissance227 Wed 21-Sep-11 16:33:20

Here here Malificence. I totally agreee.

MrGin Wed 21-Sep-11 16:36:19

I think that there isn't really a black and white of being straight or gay, there are just shades of grey. Society to a degree will up the contrast due to taboos.

I think the guilty tend to protest their innocence stronger than the innocent.

Kinks, curiosity, idiocy ? yep all valid reasons.

Emailing a transsexual hooker ) or any hooker ) is over stepping the mark though. And maybe he realized it after doing so and backed off, which his further inactivity would suggest.

I'm afraid it's one of those situations where you kind of have to believe him, otherwise you'll be tearing your hair out and living in doubt day to day. That said it would certainly raise my 'alert' level.

It's like people finding odd actions from their spouses that lead to suspicions of an affair, you can give the benefit of the doubt which is a noble thing to do. But if odd things happen again you have to face the truth.

MrGin Wed 21-Sep-11 16:38:32

... also you have nothing to be embarrassed about. you've done nothing wrong.

Sofiaintherye Wed 21-Sep-11 19:12:15

I don't think you should worry. You have a healthy sexual life, this is what matters. He has a weird fetish, so what? He was embarrassed when you caught him because, as this thread shows, he knows that most people find that stuff, well, weird. I personally find equally weird how blokes get turned on by watching two women having sex.
Unless he becomes addicted to this thing I should not worry.

eslteacher Wed 21-Sep-11 19:53:08

I think it's true that the internet enables, even encourages, people to take a curiosity a lot further than they would ever take it in "real life".

A very good friend once found her DP's internet history which showed he had been messaging women on some kind of sex chat site. She decided to play the long game, said nothing sat on the information and kept checking back into his account and messages over the next few weeks. Finally the woman that her DP was chatting to suggested that they meet up in real life, and he messaged back "sorry I'm not interested in meeting in real life, this is just an online thing for me". Friend finally had it out with her DP after that, and they're fine today a few years on.

So OP, although I understand that the category of the porn makes it worrying on a different level, I also agree with MrGin that most people are "grey", not 100% gay or straight - at least to the extent of being curious about other sexualities. So the mere fact that it was a transexual shouldn't lead you to assume the worst, and the fact that your DP went as far as communicating with him/her...well it's still just a very impersonal message, it doesn't necessarily mean anything more than a completely non-commital moment of idle wondering.

All that said, I know I'd be feeling exactly the same way as you if it was happening to me / my DP. But like you, I'd have to give mine the benefit of the doubt as there would just be nothing else to possibly support the idea that he was cheating on me or hiding a massive part of his sexuality....

MangoMonster Wed 21-Sep-11 20:05:18

I haven't read the whole thread but... Have you never clicked on something just out of curiosity what it would look like? You said it was only twice right? Or has he actually signed up to this site?

Gay40 Wed 21-Sep-11 20:24:49

See, I don't know anyone who emails transsexual hookers out of curiousity. Just like these husbands who join dating sites "just for a look".

lifechanger Wed 21-Sep-11 20:34:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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