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New Partner Moving In

(13 Posts)
movingin Wed 21-Sep-11 13:24:10

Can anyone share their experience of moving a new partner in. After how long did you do this & things that should be considered etc. He gets on well with my dc's & we've discussed all the financial stuff.

buzzskillington Wed 21-Sep-11 13:26:30

Have you discussed housework?

movingin Wed 21-Sep-11 13:30:05

Buzz, he's great at housework, we're both very similar in that we like our houses to be clean & tidy. He's also a great cook & loves cooking grin

cuteboots Wed 21-Sep-11 13:33:27

does he have a brother! HEE HEE

movingin Wed 21-Sep-11 13:39:34

Cuteboots, actually he does & he's single at the moment grin

BertieBotts Wed 21-Sep-11 23:11:37

It's worth talking about expectations of how involved he will be with the DC, and examining how you feel about that. I found it really hard when DP started to transition from "family friend who DS occasionally saw but mainly as a playmate" to "possible future father figure" and was around a lot more and naturally on occasion got cross with DS etc. DP is actually a lot better than me and never shouts etc, but it just raised my mummy-tiger hackles if he would ever use a slightly firm tone of voice with him for a while, and I would also always feel massively attacked if he ever expressed a tentative opinion on anything to do with childraising which slightly disagreed with mine. That was definitely something I had to work at, and he had to work at finding his comfort zone, him being thrown in rather a few years earlier than he was expecting with someone else's toddler, rather than starting from scratch with a tiny baby, but we talked about it loads before he ever got to the stage of being actually in the role of father figure, and though we have differing opinions on some things, they are similar enough not to cause friction, and we are both okay with the things that the other is not willing to compromise on (which, TBH, are few). Even though DS is mine and DP has never tried to insist I change anything I do with him, it's a possibility that we might have more children in the future, so I wanted to sort it because of that, and also, it's just nice to know that he agrees with what I am doing and isn't silently simmering about how badly I'm dealing with something, or whatever.

I think if there are DC involved you also need to be 100% sure this is longterm. You don't really get a trial shot - if he moves in and then moves out again later, that is going to be really unsettling for them, so you want to minimise the possibility of it happening as far as possible. Do you see yourselves getting married in the future? If he asked you now, what would you say? And the completely opposite topic - what do you think he would be like if you did split up? Would it be amicable? Would he still want to see the children? Are you able to talk about "what would happen if we split up" without it descending into insecurity about whether you are going to split up or not?

You might have been doing this already, but have you been on holiday together yet? Stayed at each others' for a weekend/week (with children)? I think it's definitely worth doing this, of course it won't give you a true idea of how things will be, but any major glaring issues will come to light, and it means you don't have to explain anything to the children if this does happen. If you have done this, were you both on best/trying to impress behaviour? You need to do it where you both relax as well, and act exactly as you would in your own home (with him taking the children into account as well, of course).

As for how long - I would say at least a year, we waited 10 months though so I'm hypocritical! But it just felt right. The things above were things that we went through (a million times... I am a worrier!) before anything happened. Housework we didn't actually discuss massively, but his standards are higher than mine, and it sorted itself out - we have an arrangement where he's in charge of the kitchen, hallway and our room, and I'm in charge of the living room, bathroom and DS' room. Actually we are both pretty crap in general blush but it's actually cleaner now on average than it was before he moved in, and it doesn't feel like one of us is doing all of it. Financially, we worked out how everything would change etc, but in the end it actually happened rather quickly due to family stuff, and what we completely forgot to take into account was that income support and tax credits stop straight away, and can take weeks to sort out the new claim, which meant we had just about enough to cover bills and a small amount of food for about 2 months, sounds fine in theory, difficult when you need to get a bus somewhere, or family emergency means you end up using more petrol than usual, or your toddler is going through a growth spurt and eating you out of house and home. If we'd have thought about that, we would have made sure we had some money as backup - in the end we just ended up asking our parents to buy us food, which was embarrassing.

movingin Fri 23-Sep-11 16:47:12

BertieBotts, thank you for taking the time to share your experiences. Even though we have covered most of the stuff you mentioned your post has really been thought provoking and helpful. We are both very serious about this and do see ourselves getting married. It's just the fear which is normal I imagine that if it doesn't work out I will have exposed my dc's to pain again!!

lemonstartree Fri 23-Sep-11 20:20:12

My lovely partner has recently moved in with me and my 3 DS. We have been together just under a year. To me it feels right, I am very serious about the relationship and I believe he is too. We were spending most of out time together anyway, and it helped that he lived close by.

The kids have just adapted. Of course they knew him well anyway. He is a great role model for them, and they are seeing a healthy relationship between the adults in the house (unlike the one I had with their father) . I know he, as well as I , is very conscious of the bond he forms with them and that it needs to work for them too.

I am very lucky in that he has children too, but they are older (young adults) and more independent - it means he has had experiences that I have not yet had, and also that his children are not in 'competition' with mine for attention etc. Their needs are no less important, but different.

someone wise told me, "if you spend more time analyzing the relationship that just doing it, there is something wrong" - I feel very lucky that this just feels right - and I know there are many men who would be reluctant to take on a divorcee in her 40's with 3 quite young children...

movingin Fri 23-Sep-11 20:50:18

lemonstartree it is lovely to read how well things have gone for you. Wishing you every happiness.

BertieBotts Fri 23-Sep-11 22:11:35

Oh yes I probably should have added everything has worked out really well, even taking financial strain into account. I was actually really glad that he moved in when he did, because I unexpectedly had to go into hospital a couple of weeks ago and despite me never having left DS for so long before, and it being a bit traumatic with me carted off in an ambulance etc, he was absolutely fine staying with DP and was more upset by something which happened at the childminder's while I was gone than by the possibility of me going away again.

I think lemonstar has a good point about over-analysing, however, I over-analyse everything to the point that I once had an actual dilemma going on for weeks about whether or not to brush my teeth since if you brush too soon after eating it can damage the enamel, but if I didn't do them right then I would forget later, or wouldn't be sleepy by the time I went to bed, or I was going out. confused So for me that wasn't quite true, but the sentiment, definitely, and I completely agree that this relationship has never been "Argh, what's going on? What is he thinking? I don't understaaaaand!" and on the rare occasions it's got close we've been able to talk about it straight away.

GirlWithALlamaTattoo Fri 23-Sep-11 22:14:07

I don't have kids yet, so it was a bit more straightforward for me, but if my experience is useful I'm happy to share it.

My DP moved in after about 7 months, which was much, much quicker than I'd expected. We'd spent weekends and usually one night in the week together for the preceding few months, and on the not-seeing-each-other nights pretty much hadn't seen each other or spoken beyond the odd relevant text. Once in a while he'd drop something round and have a cuppa, but there was none of the needy hanging around that I'd had with others. One night I called him because my cat was ill, he came round within minutes.

We'd established early on that we wanted to get married and have children; not necessarily together, but in principle we were looking for the same type of relationship. We'd spent time with each other's friends, met each other's families, and established as far as possible that neither was an axe-murderer or a twat.

We talked about money, and established that as I earn more than him, he'd pay a fair proportion towards the bills rather than a 50/50 split. I made it explicit that if he wanted half my house he'd have to marry me (!) and that I only wanted to live with a partner if it was with a view to marriage and permanence before children.

When he moved in, I cleared space for his stuff, then he dropped me at a friend's house where wine was poured into me for several hours, and he arranged his stuff in the house without me being panicky and interfering, as I would be. Sure enough, he picked me up later and he'd done an excellent job.

I've tried really hard to make sure I think of it as "our" house instead of "my" house, and to encourage him to feel that way by getting involved in rearranging stuff and decorating.

So far (4 months in) it's working really well because he's lovely.

Good luck, and well done if you've got to the end; I think I've gone on a bit.

movingin Fri 23-Sep-11 22:35:15

BertieBotts sorry to hear you had such a traumatic experience. Hope you are fully mended now and that it wasn't anything too serious. You have a good point though and one that I have considered, which is the benefits of having another adult in the house. We've have another really good chat about it all now and are about to proceed with a phasing in period in which he will start to stay over weekends. It's very exciting but a bit scary too.

GirlWithALlamaTattoo great to read your experience too and great idea to give him space to settle in.

AnotherMumOnHere Fri 23-Sep-11 22:39:24

Have I missed it OP but how long have you and your BF been seeing each other?

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