The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Blowing Away The Booze In The Autumn Breeze.

[Mouseface]

Hello.

Welcome to The Brave Babes Battle Bus.

I'm mouse and I have an abusive relationship with alcohol. I can't have just the one drink, ever.

I'm not alone here, there are Babes who are sober and have been for some time, Babes who are still drinking and trying their best to stop or cut down and then there are Babes who aren't ready to stop drinking. Yet.

So, why not come and say hi?

No judgy pants allowed on here I'm afraid, cakes and cheeses are!

And for those who want to know a bit more about the Bus, HERE is our journey so far.

[Scootergrrrl]

Marking two days and no wine by making chocolate brownies. Anyone want one?

[Mouseface]

[MsGee]

I am sorry to stick this on the new thread, huge apologies to anyone it upsets. Mrs K I know you have been thorugh something similar and I hope that this doesn't upset you. Sorry I've not responded to other people on last thread, this has taken it out of me. x

Dearest Ho Ho

I am writing this letter to you, my baby, as a way of saying goodbye. I am so sad that we never had the chance to meet or to say goodbye properly.
I want you to know that you were so loved and wanted although I worry that you didn?t know that. When I found out I was pregnant I was so happy but also so scared. I had lost two babies before you and I didn?t dare get my hopes up. But every morning that I woke up feeling ill I felt so happy!! I don?t think a mummy has ever been so happy to feel sick.

Your big sister would have loved you so much. She named you (don?t worry, you wouldn?t have been saddled with Ho Ho in the long term). Anyway, I don?t know where your lovely sister got the name Ho Ho but she was adamant it was a good name for a baby - she is an odd one. She didn?t know about you but she so wanted someone to play with, so the name stuck.

I would have called you Elizabeth, Betsy for short. I think of you as a girl. I don?t know if that is just wishful thinking but I think you were.

Anyway, I regret so much that I didn?t talk to you more. I was so scared that something would go wrong. I was scared of how I would cope with a baby (your sister is a handful!), so I sort of muddled along and joked that I was in denial.

As time went on I started to worry that there was something wrong. I don?t know now whether it was some strange instinct or just me worrying after losing the other babies. I hate that I spent our short time together worrying if you were ok and worrying about whether it would all work out ok. I am sorry that you didn?t feel more loved. I am sorry I wasn?t strong even to enjoy the time we had properly.

When I was worried that I was losing you I talked to you properly ? not the quick chats we?d had before but properly. I told you how loved you were and how much we needed you to be strong and hang in there. And you listened, for the first time I felt you move. You did that for me didn?t you lovely baby? I shouldn?t have been able to feel you move but I recognised that feeling of bubbles from your sister.

And you were strong weren?t you? You did hold on for me. I saw your lovely strong heartbeat on the monitor and your kicking legs and it was such a relief. Hearing that you were so poorly was the worst moment of my life. I cannot describe the horror of it all. I spent the next 48 hours enjoying you, enjoying you move and jump about but with a sense of dread for what was to come. I am so, so sorry that that is all we had. You should have had a lifetime with your family. I should have talked to you every day in the first few months. I should have done whatever I did wrong differently. You were my baby and I failed you.

I am so sorry for the decision we made. I didn?t want you to feel any pain. Selfishly I didn?t want to feel any pain but I wonder now if I made the right choice. Whether I should have held out, just to hold you in my arms one time. I could have poured a lifetime of love into you if we had just a few minutes. I hate what happened and I can?t forgive myself for it. I can?t ask you to but I want you to know I think of you every day. After you went I ached for you. I couldn?t believe you weren?t safe inside me. I couldn?t believe that I let you go. I am so sorry.

I am not going to try to replace you. You cannot be replaced. Our family won?t ever be the family of four I imagined. I will never smile at the sight of my two girls squabbling or hugging (although your sister is not much of a hugger). There is a gap in our family and in our home and perhaps that is as it should be. You exist in that gap, in that longing. In the quiet corner of the lounge, the chair at the table that never gets used. You exist in the quiet moments in the night when I want to scream and howl for my baby but don?t know how to start.

I need to say that I am sorry. That I love you. That you had a name ? you would have been Betsy, or perhaps Eliza. That you would have had a happy home. That I would have bought you a new crib so you were next to me for as long as possible. That your room would have been pale green with lovely sloping ceilings that I would have hung bunting from. You?d have been spoilt rotten just like your sister.

You?d have completed our family. In a way you still have.

I love you little baby and you will always be in my heart.

Mummy xx

[MsGee]

Shit realised this is the first page people will see if they come to thread for support. They'll wonder what the thread is about. Shall I get deleted?

[obrigada]

MsGee, what a beautiful, beautiful letter, please do not delete it.

[Ilovemypinkflowerywellies]

msgee I am fairly new to this bus but no please do not delete it. The letter is lovely and Ho Ho part of your life let her sit on the bus with us all.

[Fairenuff]

MsGee what a wonderful tribute to your darling Elizabeth x

[bafanatheSober]

Hi All
Just filled up old thread.
MsGEe the letter is lovely, please do not even consider deleting it.

My name is Bafana

I am an Alcoholic
I haven't had a drink for 9months
One day at a time.

I love being on the bus, for the support, chat, laughter and am so often inspired by the wonderful people on it.

Right off to cook tea, have just powered through the laundry and ironing!!

[Fairenuff]

[Fairenuff]

How many Babes can fit on one back seat I wonder?

[thursomuchtolookforwardto]

MsGee sweetheart, have a hug or ten.

[notevenamousie]

MsGee I hope it has helped both to write it and get that out there. I think you have done amazingly, and you are letting yourself feel it. As you start to feel better (and you will, it won't always feel like this), don't be thinking you are forgetting her, but living as she would want you to - making her memory count.

I'm full of DD's cold, hot and sore throaty. She's tired after school, and not 100%, all she wants is television, and I am feeling slightly out of control about it. Usually I am really strict on screentime and would actually rather we didn't have a television at all, but my mum bought it a couple of years ago.

A friend of mine's dad is dying and it's really quite tough to watch him going through it - he's my age, and his dad has advanced cancer, very familiar story.

Anyway off to be Mummy. Confidence all over the place. Not wanting a drink though :)

[BBwannaB]

MsGee a wonderful letter, so full of love, keep on posting, our arms are open wide for you, ho Ho and Little MsGee
Noteven don't worry about screentime today or the next few days, if you are both feeling poorly (and sad) snuggling on the sofa seems like a good plan to me. When you are both feeling better you can do other stuff.

BTW my name is BBwannaB and I am an alcoholic.
With the support, encouragement and advice of my dear friends on this thread I have not had a single drink for 11 months. I don't feckin believe it, and if I can do it, you can too.
Come and join us.

[NewlyLush]

Hello, can I (re)join. I was here briefly about a month ago. Managed 4 days and then went away for a long weekend, succumbed to a few drinks, and carried on.
Currently on Day 2. Massive headache and feeling a bit shit.
If anyone remembers me, I'm the one with the heavy drinker DH. I actually got him to admit that he was drinking too much the other day, but I think he's mentally carparked it as he is incredibly busy at work.

A quick question - has anyone tried hypnosis to help with drinking - either CDs or sessions with a hypnotherapist?

[legalalien]

Grr, internet access went down and lost the message I had typed. Anyway, just marking my place...

[BBwannaB]

Hi Newly good to have you back, sorry you are not feeling good at the moment, are you getting enough sugar and enough fluid? As heavy drinkers we are used to having an awful lot of the wrong type of both.
I don't remember anyone mentioning hypnosis although quite a few have used the Alan Carr Stop Drinking book, which I believe uses some hypnosis techniques.
As I think I said to you before, you just need to think about your own needs and desire to cut down/stop drinking at the moment, let DH make his own choices.
What are you going to do this evening?

[BBwannaB]

Hey Isindie great minds think alike, but I didn't know you had tried hypnosis. What is it like, do you feel like you are making your own decisions or that you are being manipulated in some way? (not a criticism, just a genuine question).

[Silver66]

Hey

My name is Silver

and i am an alcoholic.

[NewlyLush]

Thanks for the responses.

The Alan Carr book is what helped me the first time. At least for four days anyway. I think I should revisit it. Didn't realise it used hypnosis techniques.

Interesting what you are saying about the "taking on board" Isinde. I know it's not a quick fix but I wondered whether a bit of mind manipulation might help. Anyway off to have some lovely tonic water.

Thanks again for the replies. It's good to know you're out there.

Oh, and apologies for just disappearing from the thread previously. I didn't feel that I could barge back in after a weekend away and let you know I was back on the regularly.

This headache is not good. Early night beckons I think.

[Mouseface]

Hey you xx

MsGee

My lovely lovely friend. I wish I could take your heart and hold it in my hands. I wish I could soothe your tears, I wish I could hold you. I wish I could take the pain away. I wish that your beautiful daughter, Betsy, was here, with you, with DD, with us, all of her aunties.

You have done so well to get this far, to write those words. I love you for finally letting go. You have bared your soul to us. You have let it out.

I know that life will always be hard for you when you think about her, your baby girl. BUT.....................

Now is the time to let your guilt go. Let her be. Let her move on. She will always love YOU. She will always be YOUR baby girl. She will always HOLD YOU in her heart.

You are not to blame. Let the blame go sweetheart.

You can do this. For DD and your baby, you CAN do this.

I am here for you any time, you know me and my number. HUGE hugs to you.

Thank you so very much for sharing your pain, your fears, your thoughts.

Any time you feel low, come and talk to us, please xxxx

[Mouseface]

Lush - headaches? Every day? All day? Booze or not?

Nice to have you back x

[NewlyLush]

Mouseface - just as withdrawal on day 2/3. I happened last time.

Don't normally get them, unless major hangover.

Sorry MsGee. I'm hijacking at your time of need. I haven't read back, so don't know the background, but sorry for your loss.

[notevenamousie]

NL you and anyone can come back, any time, drinking or not. If it was easy and we were that easily sorted, there would be no posting, would there. I have posted drunk, remorseful, lying, and it has taken me to be brought to my knees to be where I am today posting honestly and in sobriety (although whether I make any more sense to anyone remains to be seen!).

I had drinking thoughts today and Monday, for the first time in ages. Not sure what they meant. I look at alcohol and I feel physically ill these days. But I wondered if the oblivion might be quite nice.... Insanity, I tell you. Thankfully I have tools to deal with them today, and so I am now taking my steaming lemon and ginger tea and a hot water bottle happily to bed (is it really another 6 weeks til I can turn the heating on??!).